Remember that old SNL sketch “Fecal Matter with your Host, Doug Fecal”? No? Yeah I figured it was just me. It was a solid (heh) talk show format with a specialized host and topic. Well, we ain’t exactly doing Pod Flies Open around here, but what about in written form, maybe say like a mix between Doug Fecal, Jack Handey, Balls’ 25 questions, Rev’s take on Larry King, and I don’t know, my own fucked up mind? With that backdrop I present to you the second edition of Random Thoughts with BFC! Now also an open thread! If you want to make this interactive, drop a note/question/bon mot in the comments ala my old Mouth Flies Open attempt at an advice column.
- Today marks 32 days since I last had a drop of alcohol. I’m not looking for a chip, merely noting the march of time. I hadn’t done a forced “cleanse” like this since before COVID. I was doing booze-free months since before Dry-nuary was a thing (terrible name, why the fuck would anyone brag about inventing it). I usually pick whole calendar months but had to slot something in between a wedding and DFOCon East this weekend. I guess what I’m saying is please don’t let Hippo take advantage of me if my tolerance means I’m a lightweight in Baltimore. Guess I should have a beer tonight!
- You know what’s a weird feeling? Procrastinating work with writing for DFO. I shouldn’t say “weird” as much as “makes me very cognizant of how much I don’t want to be working even when the to-do list is longer than John Holmes’s kickstand.” Nothing makes me feel more demotivated than knowing I’d rather be working on a draft of an open thread a week hence than tear into work so I can go to bed at midnight instead of 1am.
- Little known fact–in the back offices of DFO, after you overcome the mountainous pile of pants cast aside by the door, you can see how many comments have been made on this here site, and (at least for my view) how many are your own. As a result, I know a) that we’re closer than I would have thought to 1 million comments and b) that I am responsible for 2.3% of the comments on this site to date. I honestly can’t decide if that’s higher or lower than I would have guessed. Or what that means for my use of time (or YOURS).
- You know what’s fun? Not being able to fall asleep until 3 or 4 in the morning, being so exhausted that work is a brutal slog the next day so you go to bed early the next night, and then the rebound effect means you’re up til four am the following attempted sleep. Hooray for sleep disorders!
- Not gonna lie, I quite enjoy that spontaneous turn of phrase “attempted sleep.” Though it does remind me of the phrase “attempted carjacking” which reminds me of this classic Robert Schimmel joke:
Last week I was involved in a carjacking. Fortunately none got on the upholstery.
- LinkedIn birthday messages are just the worst. If you’re wishing me a happy birthday on LinkedIn, it’s because you don’t have any of my actual contact info because we are not friends.
- Found on twitter: an entire website of “absurd trolley problems” for you to vote on and see if you’re more or less of a sociopath than your fellow online denizens. Or just waste a few billable minutes
- The Zach Wilson banged his mom’s best friend story is the best thing that could happen to the Jets. No more boring mormon, suddenly he’s the second coming of Joe Namath. And he should absolutely be a returning Kharacter around here. Or at least some competition for Grumblelord in going after your mom.
- If you’ve been wondering where Dan Snyder is and/or wishing you could see him testify before Congress, sorry Charlie, he’s hiding out on his boat in international waters like a coward so he can’t be served a subpoena. Class act that one.
- I cannot believe that everyone and their mother is preparing for a recession and car dealerships are still charging “market adjustments” over MSRP. MSRP for a new 2022 Nissan Rogue SL? $33,500. So sure, why wouldn’t a used 2021 model go for $37,000?
- It is fantastic to see a Senate candidate with a sense of humor, especially when he’s going against such an unlikable asshat
To all yinz + youse down the shore today: hope you saw my very nice message ✈️ to one of NJ’s famous longtime residents 🥰 pic.twitter.com/xiVd6q5JIm
— John Fetterman (@JohnFetterman) July 10, 2022
- Speaking of Pennsylvania, and credit to blaxabbath for pointing this out–THE Ben apparently was outraged by the renaming of Heinz Field to Arcisure Field, being consistent in his belief that there’s no reason not to force something to happen against someone else’s will.
- Congratulations to Condi Rice and the Denver Broncos. Obvious joke is obvious, but I look forward to them finding WMDs at Arrowhead and launching a devastating preemptive strike at the Golden Corral.
- A friend is throwing a little thing tonight at a local brewery, and given the recent spate of DC breweries and distilleries closing on short notice, gotta support the locals (and bring this booze-free streak to an end). So that’s what I’ll be up to tonight, how’s about you?
What’s On TV Tonight?
Edmonton @ Montreal, 6:30pm DFO Time
‘Stros @ Angels, 7:07pm DFO Time, ESPN+
Honestly, tons of other games on but check your local/regional listings
ESPN claims none of it’s televised, so check it out and find your own feed, I guess
Western v St Kilda, 4:50am DFO Time, WatchAFL app
That’s it from my noggin for now, enjoy French food if you can tonight!
Later taters!
See you tomorrow champ.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p39Xx1cWxao
Folks, I’m calling it a night. I have a long train ride to Baltimore tomorrow.
You’re all invited to join me, and several others of your, um, sure let’s go with “favoUrite” people for the weekend.
I made it to SLC and am on my connection to WA. I want a drink.
The dog that I hate is doing those stupid running motions in her sleep. It’s so gotdamn cute but I need to remember that she barks her fucking head off when the humidity outside changes by 2.3%*
*may be a slight exaggeration
“Awwwwwwww….”
-Eagles Michael Vick
My train for Baltimore leaves in 5 hours and I’m still awake. Why the fuck did I take the early train again?
So you could get drunk and make a plan for the weekend before the rest of us arrive?
I am soooooo looking forward to the Baltimore stories!
“Baltimore Stories” sounds like the most depraved show Cinemax never aired.
Let us pray.
David Duchovny could narrate.
Pictures or it didn’t happen
“The Baltimore Train” is the least known position in the Kama Sutra, ppl forget that.
“9 out of 10 porn stars don’t recommend it.”
-Dentists, trying to grow the brand
This is a weird math problem.
The real question is, why are you taking the train to Baltimore?
For me because it’s 4 hours, it’s not going to be canceled, it drops me a 15 minutes walk from my hotel, and because I might get to meet Peter King.
Sharkbait may have different reasons, but mine are the best.
I went surfing today. Whereas last week it was messy but fun, today it was just plain messy. Still had fun, but I’d like some better waves, please.
I’m sure I’ve asked you this before, but I’m over 50 and barely remember my kids’ names, (is that bad? asks Antonio Cromartie), so I’ll ask again: have you read Willian Finnegan’s ‘Barbarian Days’? Incredible book, and I, much like Charlie, don’t surf.
Gumby was online looking for hats, and believe me, he looooooves hats, when he stumbled across this one for the Hartford Yard Goats.
I think he would summon the devil if he buys it.
I’m going to be there on 6/29, and if that hat is for sale I’m buying 2. One will be for Gumby.
You are a hero! Gumby has a ginormous head, so if it’s fitted, get the big one. Speaking of big ones…
We were visiting my sister in Mill Valley and they had goats clearing the hillsides of grass. They bring them in regularly. There’s so many goats! Like easily 100+.
Mrs. Cola has the Day of the Dead Yard goats hat. Its a beauty.
Does he rock the flat bill?
No, he’s a brimbender.
Probably even takes off the tags and stickers.
You have, and I haven’t (yet).
I’d send you my copy but I can’t find it and my brother continues to deny that he stole it.
He did.
My Keys To Success: Part Two
1) hire good people*
2) transition to an administrative role so you’re removed from much of the day-to-day crapola
*fail at hiring a good person at a key position so you’re forced to work long hours on the floor of the warehouse to compensate for that bad hire and it’s the busiest month of the year and you have no choice and it cuts into your scotch time but you have no choice in the matter so you’re basically right back at Day Fucking One for the time being.**
**probably the best run-on sentence I’ve ever written
I’ve found that “being mildly terrifying while in reality treating your immediate reports extraordinarily well and otherwise doing the bare minimum” works pretty well.
If I had to offer my own Part 2 I would just tell everyone to lower their goddamn expectations. Everyone healthy? Got a house you can afford? Car running well?
Congratulations, you’re living the dream. Stop trying to catch Bill Gates. It’s not going to happen.
Oh fuck that! Otherwise I got no reason to keep taxes on the wealthy so low.
How about, instead of letting them just go ahead of everyone, Delta show their gratitude for the troops with a free drink on board? It’s not gratitude when it doesn’t cost you anything and pushes back the other passengers.
Technically.
Good point. They’re really just letting them sit and wait in different chairs.
My Keys To Success:
1) be born as the result of a backseat dalliance and quickie wedding
2) be the son-not the daughter-of a father that had a thriving business
3) don’t fuck up this glorious opportunity
/if you follow these steps, you too can write intros to NFL games on company time!
My parents dated a month before marrying.
Like 2.7/3
My parents met on Labor Day, got married the first weekend in November. Gumby and I met when we were 12.
Lucky ot wqsn’t in Colorado City, you would have been married to an elder by then.
She meant when she and her sister-bride were twelve.
How do people cleanse? Not like lemon juice — like booze/drugs? I notice when I back off on the coffee.
Court orders are one way. Another is just sucking through it. It’s not fun, but, it’s doable.
I think I’m probably taking in too much DEVILS LETTUCE.
“Ten game suspension without pay for the marijuana. If you were just drunk driving, you’d only have a $100 fine.”
— Roger G., NY
“Smacked your woman around on tape? That’s two games.”
Also Roger G.
I wasn’t aiming for a “cleanse” but last fall I decided to significantly increase my intake of fresh fruits and veggies for a six week period. Feel free to go nuts, eat as much as you want-it doesn’t matter. Combine it with just a bit of exercise and it’s crazy how much weight you’ll drop.
That doesn’t take away from the fact vegetables taste horrible.
/just so you know-you forced me to do this
Princess: “Here comes the carrot.”
WCS: [tied to a bed] “No, I don’t want the carrot. I HATE VEGETABLES!”
Princess: “Open wide, you know you want it.”
WCS: “No!” [shakes head back and forth]
Princess: “Here comes the airplane.”
WCS: “I don’t want to be the hangar!” [becomes turgid]
/I can’t go on… I’m laughing too hard
Princess: “We’re going to call you the ‘Earl of Carrot’. Keep quiet!”
/ vegetables get pregnant
In unison:
ABORTION STOPS A BEATING HEART!!!!!
I usually just take a shower.
I’m really curious to see how far China is willing to go on the whole zero-Covid thing. They only just unlocked Shanghai, but seems like they’ll be getting BA5 pretty damn soon.
Why isn’t their Socialist Healthcare solving this?!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a standing reservation at Golden Corral.
They’ve got over a billion people. Not like they’re using them all anyway.
First beer in 32 days consumed.
I’d love to be in your throat right now. Wait. I’ll come in again. Wait. Damn it!
.
“Who are you to assume what Ernie’s wants and needs are? Maybe he wants to be raped while semi-conscious!”
-Clarence Thomas, writing the majority opinion in a case involving the Agricultural Adjustment Act of 1932
Shoutout to Horatio for pointing out that Clarence won’t be writing dissenting opinions anytime in the near future.
Carence Thomas Opinions is getting to be one of my favorite running comment jokes.
As much as I loved them, you really start to get the cream when you eliminate the low-hanging Aaron Rodgers is gay jokes (though it eliminated the potential related jokes during his Covid fake immunization thing).
I think that was Rikki. My fan/fic about Clarence Thomas involves a lot more slashing.
I wish I could take the credit but it wasn’t me. I contributed something to that discussion but it definitely wasn’t that.
It was you, you stupid bananahead.
Per Game Time Decision it was Dunstan. It’s a damn good line.
“Oh, like Thomas will ever have to write a dissent again.
Dunstan”
I blame my memory and the fact that all you law-talkin’ guys sound alike, like.
A Lightweight in Baltimore
Was that not a film noir movie made in 1958 about a boxer with a small penis? I believe the narrator was none other than Robert Mitchum.
Serving subpoenas to Snyder on his yacht is the best reason to buy a speargun that I’ve ever heard
How come none of you guys did a Archer joke here? They used spear guns.
Did…did she find Nemo?
(Interior, bag milk store. A man in a shabby suit sets his eyes on the headline of the Benedict Arnold Gazette) “What in the Seven Parks of Winnipeg is this!?”
(He angrily pulls out his Research In Motion (C) Blackberry (R) and dials his secretary) “What is the meaning of this? Free agent signings? Long term contracts? Exceeding the Cap Floor? Those deals were in my private General Manager’s journal and were never meant to see the light of day! How are we going to explain this?… Hello?”
(Cut to secretary’s desk outside an office in a very inconvenient, out of town location. The secretary drops the phone and rips off her hair–a wig!–to reveal Detroit Red Wings legend Daniel Alfreddssoonn. He gets up and skates out of the office triumphantly)
(Fade to Black. Credits. Gunshot sound.)
No, I will not be taking any investors for this project, I will be reaping 100% of the profits for myself.
Those wacky Ontarians and their milk sacks. Must be the dairy cartel’s doing.
[snorts, slowly gets off couch while making old man sounds, gives standing ovation]
The chocolate fountain at Golden Corral is probably incubating the version of Covid that will kill us all, thank Deus.
The only ones that will survive are Golden Corral regulars that will have built up an immunity. [shudders]
/apparently I’m a classist for the sake of a joke
When I was in Vegas, myself and another dude who was relatively new to town got covid. We’re two of the youngest healthiest ones in the office BY FAR.
I had no shame telling those people it was because they’d been in Vegas for decades that nothing could get them.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ_IqZTKhP0
*Donald Trump
*Attempted Insurrection
“They should give Donald Trump a Nobel Prize for Attempted Insurrection!”
-Not Ashlii Babbit, That’s For Sure
“Gurgle, gork, urk!”
-More likely Ashlii Babbit
Too soon. Jeez.