People, it is hot here in Connecticut. We are at 91, but through some combination of atmospheric conditions and alchemy, it feels like 97. Sure, that’s laughably cool to you West Coast types, but to us pale, pasty New Englanders it is the 2nd Circle of Hell type weather. On top of that, it pretty much stopped raining several weeks ago, and now it hurts to walk barefoot across my lawn. Again, our idea of a “drought” is laughable to pretty much anyone from Colorado to the left as you look at the map, but the world revolves around the East Coast, and goddammit our whining will be heard!
That said, we need to do something to cool things off around here, and frankly the planet as a whole. Since it’s pretty clear no one in government is going to do it, I’ll have to do it through the draft. It’s the only power I have, and on this occasion I will use it for good.
Or at least to kill time during a Monday.
This week we’re drafting cool characters in entertainment. They need to be fictional, but it can be any form of media, be it stage, screen or, if you’re a real nerd, even literature. An actor portraying multiple cool roles can be drafted multiple times, but only once per role. A repeating character in a series of books, however, can only be drafted once.
The commissioner for today’s draft will also be my first pick, as I think it would be grossly unfair if I took him off the board by naming him commissioner, then took the character I had in mind for the first pick. And that’s just not cool.
Your commissioner and first pick:
It didn’t end all that well for him, (spoiler alert, I guess), but they don’t get much cooler than Luke.
The rest of you are on the clock.
Another late-round ultra-mega steal:
Ron Fucking Swanson
2nd Val Kilmer pick…Nick Rivers from Top Secret
6. Oh, I forgot literature! I’ll take Molly from Neuromancer.
I kept meaning to take him after BFC took Caps. Hilts, but kept forgetting. I am shocked he’s still here.
Frank Bullitt
I’m going with Ty Webb:
Wasn’t the whole thing that Ty wasn’t cool? At the end he’s telling Danny not to be like him, because he’s a dud, or something like that.
He and Danny were the whatever is PC equivalent of Eskimo Brothers, so they already had that in common.
I think it was more, “I’ve made my life choices and they’ve led me down this path. You need to make your own choices and be better than me.”
Doesn’t mean he isn’t cool.
Going with Quint. He might have been kinda crusty, but he was pretty damn cool.
(well, until the very end)
“At the end he was damn tasty though.”
-Bruce
It was far too busy to participate today so I’m doing it in one shot
Charles Bronson in Hard Times
Lee Marvin in The Dirty Dozen
Raymond Chandler’s Philip Marlowe
Lisbeth Salander
Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web
Baloo from The Jungle Book
Rudyard Kipling’s Gunga Din
/Dok grabbed The Pink Panther, which was the very first character I thought of before scrolling
At a minimum you’ve Blair Witched yourself with the Marlowe pick.
Damn, I only saw Sam Spade.
Balls took him. You can blame his New Year’s resolutions for him, since he wanted to read 5 books and accomplished it by, I think, reading 3-4 Marlowe books.
Goddamn literacy!
At the risk of Double Blair Witching myself, I’ll swap him out for Sherlock Holmes.
“Riff Raff” from Underdog:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwYj9gQoaug
Going with Ellen Ripley. Talk about keeping cool under pressure…
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Outstanding late round quality.
Thanx! Was amazed she was still on the board, as she is one cool customer.
Bender Rodriguez.
Now THAT is a quality pick!
Matt Helm
I try to live my life by Tyrion’s teachings
Pffft. You don’t know things.
I said I TRY.
Sheesh. How much can a midget possibly drink . . .
That was a great pick right up until the last season, when they turned him into an idiot.
Man, fuck those writers.
The Exceptional Thief, Hans Gruber.
Eric “Otter” Stratton.
That was Eric Stratton, Rush Chairman. He was damn glad to meet you.
Is he pre-law, or pre-med?
What’s the difference?
Frank Moses from RED. Played by Bruce Willis.
Seth in From Dusk Till Dawn.
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Country Mac
Cardinal Richelieu (1585-1642) from Monty Python:
https://vimeo.com/618019538
BeefReefer has opened up the Burt Reynolds element, so I will take Paul Crewe (non -Adam Sandler edition)
Bo “Bandit” Darville.
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Is this the first Burt Reynolds pick? I was wonder when one of his characters would go off the board.
.
James Rockford
5. Kyūzō of The Seven Samurai
Katy From LetterKenny.
/ pretty much any of the main characters from the show, except McMurray.
// and Bonnie is the only characher with a first and last name from IMDB
Only logical answer
4th Pick: The Daywalker, Blade!
In the spirit of blax’s “what really defines cool” comment, I’ll take Judge Harold T. Stone.
Is that the guy that sentenced Paris Hilton to jail, and then sent her back after the corrupt sheriff tried to release her to house arrest?
Ha ha, just kidding, even after all these years I still remember that it was Harold P. Sauer who did that.
Paul Sorvino passed away at 83 today.
https://twitter.com/RexChapman/status/1551634370670231553
I’ll take Paulie Cicero for my next pick. Had to check, but the character was “based on” a real life (alleged) mobster rather than being a real person like Henry Hill, so he qualifies for the draft.
You could take Sorvino, he’s gotta be cool enough by now
Paul Vario was the real-life mobster that Sorvino’s character was based on (and really all they did was change the name). I’m reading “Wiseguys” right now, the book the movie was based on.
And based on the reading I did I’m not sure I bothered with “alleged”
John Winger.
Soo many good Bill Murrary options here.
Jesus Christ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsqGiN-e5iM
Wait! What round is it?! I’ll take Andy Dufresne. Very fucking cool character.
Can I have the guy from the Old Spice commericals?
I don’t see why not. I assume you’re talking about the guy who is on a horse, and not the guy currently in tears while in therapy because his wife keeps taking his body wash.
Lisa from Weird Science
Literally the only cool person in that whole film
I’m not sure she was actually a person, but it’ll be a cool day in Hades before I overrule this pick.
/Trades up with Mike Ditka, taking his third for an ashing joint.
//Takes Omar Little.
///Is a better drafter than Steve Keim.
Jeff Spicoli.
Late round value: Ash from the Evil Dead movies
What truly DEFINES cool? Success over obstacles? Doing it your way? Serving others? Getting laid? Making it rich? How much water does that ‘quiet cool’ hold?
Inspired by 2Pack, Selene from Underworld.
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Going to guess that she’s both metaphorically and literally cool, what with being undead and all.
Very good. Very cool.
Cues up Shock Me by Kiss… LOUD
The guy from Cocktail. NAWT TOM CRUISE.
Um, I just would like one beer, please.
/Tossed violently out onto the sidewalk
“Yeah, you gotta order [hic] at least three…” – Blackout Brett Kavanaugh
Dave/Devjeet from Flight of the Conchords
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGoivhJ2pn4
In the 4th round I select Emma Peel. Now if you’ll excuse us… Gonna mentally peel Emma outta that little number there…
Ouch
Excellent pick!
For my first pick, I choose Lt Commander Rick Hunter from Robotech.
Were you perhaps thinking of someone else?
Yeah. Rick was a spaz. Roy Fokker or Max Sterling.
For my next pick: The black private dick that’s a sex machine to all the chicks.
I’m talkin’ ’bout Shaft. Can ya dig it?
Shut your mouth!
but I’m talkin’ ’bout Shaft…
Right on!
Speaking of late round value, Bueller? Bueller?
Since I fouled my last pick, I’ll take Garak from DS9. A complete monster, affably nice, honorable, and a magnificent bastard all rolled into one.
3rd Pick: Tony Stark
Tony Stank is still on the board!
https://youtu.be/cL0IDYp5bJ0
Fourth pick, four words: Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez.
As opposed to the Bennie with a Mohair suit and electric boots?
I don’t know, can a Jet *ever* be cool?
Only when not in a Jets uniform.
4. Stay thirsty, my friends.
That’s quality late round value.
Magnum muther fuckin PI
Edit:
Oh the old one with Tom Selleck, not the new one, as it just occurred to me that there are 2
Frozone. Figuratively and literally cool.
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Quality pick.