Your “Let’s Take a Few Baby Steps” Thursday Night NFL Exhibition Football Open Thread

It seems like forever since I did one of these. (I really should write more during the offseason but by the Super Bowl I feel burnt out-woe is me-and then after that it requires effort on my behalf, so that’s a no-go) The baby steps refer to getting back into the swing of things by exposing our eyeballs to football of any kind and Jax/L.V. is any kind of footed ball, that’s for sure.

To The Game!

Jags/Raiders:

-I’m not going to get into the details of this tilt, just paint with the broadest of brushes.

-Jax has got that ‘addition by subtraction’ kinda energy from what I’ve read about their training camp. Things being better organized is a huge step up for staff and players alike! But let’s be clear this franchise has wallowed in muddy waters for quite some time. Meyers’ over the top toxic, uninformed behavior was simply the latest setback for a franchise that can’t get both sets of tires back on the highway.

-A cursory look at their wr corps tells me that good times don’t lie ahead. Marvin Jones can’t get separation anymore, Christian Kirk got (over) paid (seriously, how would you feel if he was your team’s #1 wr?) and Zay Jones should be a bouncer because that’s what he does between teams. Will te Engram and his 4.4 speed finally be used as a seam-splitter? Would it matter?

-On the D side there’s no one aside from (the other) Josh Allen that I recognize which isn’t saying much about them or me. Jax simply needs more talent and as a Giants fan I feel qualified to make this assessment.

-I hope that Davante Adams looks forward to providing 75% (max!) of last year’s production to this offence.

-On the outside looking in, it appears the Raiders have soured on Josh Jacobs and would love to replace him with a cheap rookie deal but Zamir White can’t get on the field.

Welp, grasp thine chalices and partake of a beverage or two-you’ve more than earned it, having made it through the hell that was this offseason. Start typing!

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Senor Weaselo

Came up with a funny:

“It’s not a game, I’m not a robot AI challenging you.”
Allen Iverson: “We talkin’ ’bout practice.”

Brick Meathook

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Someone should do something similar for Rush Limbaugh.

Dunstan

Anybody know what happened to the old Name of the Year tournament? I don’t think there’s been one since 2020, the Twitter account that was associated with it has been inactive, and I haven’t heard anything.

TheRevanchist

That was a Sidespin thing, right?

Dunstan

I don’t think so. Deadspin 1.0 used to cover it a lot on their site and podcast, but I think it was run by a couple of guys who had been doing it for a long time, DS just publicized it.

Redshirt

The AFC West Dick Slurpage this year is going to reach Tom Brady proportions, is it?

TheRevanchist

It already has.

But think about this: the Chargers are better now that laserface isn’t there anymore. Yet some people think he’s a HOFer?

Redshirt

NFL Approximate Value Career Leaders | Pro-Football-Reference.com

How the fuck is Philip Rivers the #6 highest QB?!

SonOfSpam

“Dunno if I can take that”

-T. Brady’s son

TheRevanchist

Just got back from a checkup for the Mrs. I missed most of this game. I’m sure I can see all the great talent in the 4th quarter.

SonOfSpam

Redshirt is playing QB for the Jags.

Redshirt

I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE!!!

SonOfSpam

Hey, you’re doing better than Luton.

Gumbygirl

Is she doing ok?

TheRevanchist

She is dehydrated. She hates pedialyte, but the doctors told her things will go downhill quick if she doesn’t get in more fluids. Her stitches that tore open Sunday night is still an open wound. They were saying that we are taking care of it correctly.

Gumbygirl

Damn. It’s a rough ride for both of you. I’m beaming all of the positive thoughts your way!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

May she have a quick and full recovery

2Pack

Stay on it, and best wishes for a quick and full recovery.

Redshirt

Can you imagine how the NFL 1970s-1990s would’ve been different with today’s NFL Safety Rules?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Nope.”

–Trent Green, drooling again while watching teletubbies

Redshirt

That holding penalty might be the difference between making the NFL Roster due to a preseason TD return and getting a job at Dick’s Sporting Goods.

Sharkbait

Should I actually put this thing on?

TheRevanchist

Is it a strap on? If so, yes.

If it’s lingerie and lipstick, also yes.

Sharkbait

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Last edited 2 years ago by Sharkbait
Wakezilla

“Strap on? I’m listening.”

Prince William

herodotus450

Wait, a decade or two of suckitude can’t be undone with a flashy head coach hiring and firing? Woah.

SonOfSpam

Holy crap, Sinema is in on the Inflation bill…they must’ve included funding for a Tucson Hot Topic.

Redshirt

“Vote for this bill or Biden will nationalize the National Guard and raze all the malls in all of Arizona!”

JimU

The Jags have 106 total yards in the first half. It seems like they had half of that.

Redshirt

When did they start to include Return Yards?

King Hippo

Special Teams Yards Matter!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I watched just enough of that game to refresh my hate of Josh McDaniels. And of the dearth of reliable questionable streams now that the NFL Streams subreddit is no mo’.

Col. Duke LaCross

I’ve been looking east for a decent river the last couple seasons. A stream that flows east, if you will.

litre_cola

Whatever happened to Boris the DFS guy? I was learning and about to gamble.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I expect BorisLater

Sharkbait

He’s still around. He’ll be ready for week 1. I should have taken his advice and not done anything DFS related tonight.

Last edited 2 years ago by Sharkbait
King Hippo

Not saying he’s a lot lizard in the off-season to refresh his stack, but also not NOT saying that. (smgdh)

borisnow

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Last edited 2 years ago by borisnow
borisnow

I got some seasonal posts coming up soon. Just let me get moved into my new place first.

Sharkbait

I actually did 3 DFS lineups for this nonsense.

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King Hippo

Don’t worry, you can still win the Genius of Love dance-off with your slumlord!

WCS

Don’t eat the snake meat sandwich.

Redshirt

Time for my Very Way Too Early NFL Predictions:

Jaguars: Worst team in NFL History
Raiders: Move over ’72 Fins! The Raiders are coming to Perfectville!

TheRevanchist

“… and then the guy at the candy shop operating the taffy pull machine said, “Now, THAT’s a stretch!””

Doktor Zymm

One advantage of my job, the chance of scary head/neck injuries is much lower than playing in the NFL

Senor Weaselo

Pros: That
Cons: The boss?

SonOfSpam

Christ what a turd

LemonJello

Headed to bed here on the East Coast

runs a lap around the clubhouse slapping asses, HARD

Later, Taters!

Gumbygirl

You’re not going to stay up for the big comeback?!!

Doktor Zymm

No one can stay awake until 2037!

Gumbygirl

Lemonjello was a Marine. He can do it while running through a field full of landmines carrying an entire village of refugees in his backpack!

WCS

In the snow, uphill both ways!

King Hippo

Anyone have “Josh McDaniels wins first half challenge” on their bingo card? I’m assuming Grumblelord’s penis moved a little.

Gumbygirl

“Grumble grumble your mother was yanking it grumble grumble.”

King Hippo

oh God, the MRSA Dreamboat bland sayings portion. TV might be heading off.

JimU

It looks like the Jags only prime time game is the Thursday night game against the Jets right before Christmas. The NFL should have to refund Amazon’s money for that one.

King Hippo

That will be our best Game Night Open Thread of 2022!

JimU

By best, you mean drunkest right?

King Hippo

except for those of us who are high instead, inshallah

litre_cola

Why not both?

LemonJello

Jaguras/Jest could create a singularity of suck that tears apart the space-time continuum.

King Hippo

R-T-D, artist’s conception:

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King Hippo

(because of the tennis, you see)

/sees self out

LemonJello

What’s your opinion of your Jaguras so far, Other LemonJello?

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litre_cola

Masterchef Australia puts the American, and Canadian versions to shame.

ArmedandHammered

Do they have to go into the Bush to get their ingredients or do they have to use some of the dangerous indigenous critters as their main ingredient?

Doktor Zymm

I know we are all excited about the return of football, but it’s a bit overshadowed what with the WORLD DOG SURFING CHAMPIONSHIPS being this weekend!
https://www.surfdogchampionships.com/

Doktor Zymm
WCS

Which is RockinDog?

LemonJello

The left? I think other is UpDog.

King Hippo

The Jaguras are in mid-season Jagura form, allowing NBC to quit paying attention to the game early in Q2

LemonJello

Tough, but fair assessment.

JimU

This about the level of play I was expecting for a Jags-Raiders preseason game where none of the regular starters play.

Spur

Been Watching Bear Cam during work

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mphg2feuAPo&ab

Dunstan

“Same.” — Buddy Cole

WCS

Remember kids, salmon are very, very stoopid creatures.

Gumbygirl

Yessss!!!

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Spur

If you’re not watching The Rehearsal on HBO Max, you’re missing out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fjPFt8cpic&ab

Doktor Zymm

I miss out on lots of stuff and I am okay with that

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I don’t miss things when it counts.” – Lt. Michael Byrd

/this is a callback to an earlier joke that you might have missed

LemonJello

SHAN’KHLOR makes her presence felt in Dayton.

Doktor Zymm

If you are what you eat I am about 50% fresh mozzarella

LemonJello

Andy Reid has joined the chat

litre_cola

Basil and tomato?

/Tom Brady shrieks

Doktor Zymm

I have a giant tomato plant on my patio, it has the dual function of providing me with delicious tomatoes and making sure that Tom Brady doesn’t start hanging out on my patio

LemonJello

THIS JACKSONVILLE OFFENSE, I CALL IT A CLASSIC JAGUAR BECAUSE IT DOESN’T RUN VERY WELL AND CAN’T PASS ANYTHING EITHER.

Gumbygirl

Is it leaking oil? I had a neighbor who had a beoootiful XKE, around 67-68. British Racing green, just gorgeous. It was a permanent driveway sculpture, but sooo prettay!

Doktor Zymm

There are companies that hollow them out and put in modern guts so they actually run well, that’s what I would do if I ever decide to drop a stupid amount of money on a car

LemonJello

Yup. Resto-mod is the way to go. A ’49 Mercury would be the Jellomobile if I had the money.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is the point of your wrist considered the forearm or the hand? Appears to be forearm.

Doktor Zymm

That would make sense anatomically since it’s the end of your ulna

Gumbygirl

It’s the arm taint.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS RIGHT TACKLE BRANDON PARKER I CALL HIM THE DOORMAN AT A NIGHTCLUB FREQUENTED BY BILL BELICHICK CAUSE HE DOESN’T RESTRICT THE ACCESS OF FELINES.

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King Hippo

kickoff returns EXACTLY to the 25 are my jam

LemonJello

Settle down, Jaguras D. You’ve got a long, long road ahead of you.

Spur

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Spur

How did everyone spend the off season?
I took up gardening. Started too late in Spring didnt get much harvest. Could only grow sunflowers and watermelons from June until now. Planning out the Fall garden this week. Learned alot from spring on how to do this in Vegas

SonOfSpam

Beating Anorexia.

(I have a girlfriend named Anorexia)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ve been surfing and playing tennis.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m very tanned right now.

BC Dick

I’d rather eat all the change in all the pockets at the local homeless mission than watch preseason anything. It’s still practice and still counts as the off-season for me.
Damn well guarantee within the next few years Amazon or NFL- or some other horseshit streamer starts broadcasting OTAs and conditioning tests with a five-man panel and advanced stats graphics galore.
Makes me sick.

litre_cola

Nice to see you in a good mood.

BC Dick

Yeah I woke up at 2 and couldn’t sleep. So I went to work at 5:00 only for my pass card to not work until 6. Doesn’t excuse preseason sports from my valid, reasoned complaints.

King Hippo

Jim Tomsula, sifting through BC Dick’s septic tank

SonOfSpam

“You Canadian change-eater!” thanks for the new stereotype, syrup sucker.

Doktor Zymm

Both places are good for watching hopes and dreams being crushed