It’s not exactly ‘must watch’ tv but it’ll do.
Newsy Notes:
-A stunner-Michael Thomas is injured! His body sure did pay the price for that one magnificent season.
-Brady’s Back! He was vacationing with his family in the Caribbean apparently. For non-GOAT’s, that is usually what the offseason is for. “But Mr. Glazer, I got this super deal-it would be a crime not to go!”
-The Vikes grabbed Nick Mullens from the Raiders in order to shore up their backup qb position. Mullens is that type of guy you completely forget about until you hear his name and then say to yourself, “Oh yeah, him. He’s still around?”. And then you put him away in that category of ‘qb’s that get passed around like a bottle of moonshine at a hobo campfire’. He’s 27 and this is his fourth team.
-Speaking of, Josh Rosen is still being given a chance in the league. He stunk up the joint for the Browns, going 7-20. This is his fourth team in four years. It’s almost as though talent evaluators in the league just can’t admit they were dead wrong about a prospect. Well, perhaps Arizona should be excluded given that they showed him the door as soon as he showed them his wares.
-Rich Getting Richer: Much has been said about rook tight end Isaiah Likely of the Ravens and he made those fellas look good by grabbing 8 balls for 100 yards. If you thought that he’s a possession type, he had 52 of those yards after the catch. A two tight end setup with Mark Andrews might just be a nightmare in an RPO offense.
To The Game!
Falcons/Jets:
-Everyone’s favoUrite Mother Lover is still out so we get Elitest Glass of Milf Joe Flacco (he’s 2-11 as a starter since he left the Ravens) with Mike White (remember his 4 INT game vs the Bills last November?) and a youngster by the name of Chris Streveler.
-On the other end Mariota-if he plays-was one of the worst qb’s under pressure when he was last a starter back in 2018.
-The Falcons wr unit looks so bad-Zacceaus, Byrd, Allison, Hodge, Darby, Tate, etc. the nobody’s list goes on and on..
-At least they’ve got Pitts.
-Can Saleh break the streak? The Jets haven’t won a game in September since 2018.
Bring some funny.
True musician fashion: Get home from gig and post-gig shenanigans at 3 AM. Have to wake up at 8:30 to shower and things get ready to teach a student 30-45 mins away at 10:15.
People at the bar have put forth the bold proposition that Spirit and Frontier are unpleasant to fly! Yeah, I’m gonna keep myself to myself because I don’t want to sprain my facetious muscles or overtax my obviousness gland. “no one checks bags anymore so they can’t fit all the carryons!”
Christ, I was not this fucking dumb when I was in my 20s
Sudden twist! Dude is from Edmonton!
His dad was on a flight with a guy who had a Grey Cup ring 20 years ago!
Did y’all know that hockey has really taken off in Canada??
Correction, dude’s dad is from Edmonton but dude grew up in Vegas, and the 2 chicks are from Toronto
Ohio really needs to get Sports Gaming. Since it so far away, its not worth it to make small easy bets (why drive 90 minutes round-trip just to make a $14 profit), which forces me to make long-shot bets (maybe Seattle’s strategy of not having a viable QB will work).
That’s the spirit! If it ends up being a total washout it’s easy enough to forget about in a few months when we know it’s totally irrelevant, and if not it adds significant spice to life!
Deshaun Watson is equal with Derrick Henry for MVP at +8000
Some team called the “Texans” are -5000 not to make the playoffs
Went with 4 straight bets, Lions win NFC North, Falcons win NFC South, Eagles win NFC champs, Bengals win it all.
If I win all 4, my $40 becomes $745
And to think, that $40 could have kept your hands warm for a few minutes instead.
It was $40 in paper bills, so that momentary warmth probably came with monkey pox, MRSA, and who knows what else
This is what else. At least for the dudes
Ok, this is hilarious
It’s amazing the male species has survived this long.
That’s good GAMBLORIN’!
I’m hoping MA turns on sports betting before week 1
Good. If the Bengals fail to win the Super Bowl. I can blame you!
I was thinking of apologizing in advance for that, but decided against it
When it comes to gambling, do what you need to do. Nothing is personal.
Also contemplating stupid NFL futures bets. I’m not willing to go stupider than “Eagles win the NFC championship”
Do it. They occasionally pay off!
My thought while deciding whether to drop a quarter in the stripper’s buttcrack
Holy shit, after all these years, YOU were the Ass Crack Bandit?
Jaguras win AFC South 50-1
Josh McDaniels win Coach of the Year 150-1
DFO goes Public 50000-1
The Rest of the World Fully Understands HippoSPEEK by Week 10 OFF
Jags should be higher since that’s not their division. Like at least 200-1.
Yeah, they wouldn’t even give me odds on the Browns winning the Eurovision song contest
What about the Fuck Lions?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BO4Hzo-WGic
Can you bet on wars there? Ask if they got any action on the Ukraine situation (a.k.a. World War III: Round One)
Parliamentary Inquiry: “By DFO going public, do you mean publicly traded company or the public literally finding out about us?”
2017: “Eh, why not?” Places bet on “Bengals win AFC Championship”.
2018: “Eh, why not?” Places bet on “Bengals win AFC Championship”.
2019: “Eh, why not?” Places bet on “Bengals win AFC Championship”.
2020: “Eh, why not?” Places bet on “Bengals win AFC Championship”.
2021: “Ah, not worth the 45-minute drive to Indiana.” Doesn’t place bet on “Bengals win AFC Championship”.
2022: “THAT IS WHY DOK!”
// Not Making This Up Disclaimer
I have to charge another $40 to my room to get $100 next visit. I’m full of delicious food, and the spa is closed, so it’s gonna be booze. Do I go one drink of excellent scotch, or probably 2 specialty martinis? Not gonna do plain mixed drinks cause those are $1 tip to the waitress each if I sit down and play more cards
That’s a tough one. For me it breaks down to how much Scotch are they going to give you versus how tired you are. If the ratio of Scotch-to-Tired isn’t favorable I’d go ahead and get the two martinis.
Three shots of lower shelf bourbon could’ve been in play maybe
If the truffle oil doesn’t work, yuzu probably will
Now yuzu I can get behind. I have a bottle of yuzu liqueur that I haven’t quite found the best use for yet.
Have you, and I know this is silly, tried drinking it?
I don’t know, it makes an excellent cologne.
Good lord.
Damnit I need to get there. Hopefully before the winter
Is that a new variant?
No, but it’s not in the regular rotation. Friend of mine happened to stumble on it while up there and gave me one.
SUDDEN DRAMATIC TURNAROUND
Is it though?
SUDDEN NON-DRAMATIC CHANGE!
(flag and VAR pending)
A graphic for the Prem used for a catch. Outstanding work
Sir, there is nothing dramatic about a football game in August.
Preseason football is just awful.
“Hey, who wants to see the guy who’ll be delivering your Fed Ex package next week try to make a tackle!?”
Nah man he’s got insurance sales in his future
I know I was schedule to make the tackle on Tuesday, but now the projected tackle date is next Thursday, and don’t trust that until you get an ‘out for tackle’ notif
“it says here that my tackle is ‘out for delivery’ but the running back is currently dancing in the end zone. What gives?”
That looked like a wishbone formation
DID SOMEONE SAY FISHBONE??!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Cx4Wq_pgt8&ab_channel=FishboneVEVO
Yay, Fishbone!
If you’re gonna run you gotta hold onto the ball.
Psh, conformist
Good god.
https://twitter.com/justantherburn/status/1344189233817219073
Chiseled Adonis just got off his Pornhub ban to comment about her getting sent to the Shadow Realm.
I have no idea what any of that means.
Welcome to the Magical Land of Oldasfuck! We have snacks!
Werther’s Originals and Sodium Free Rice Cakes
That kick killed them so hard, they fell into Casket Pose.
Should all sprots be banned and lobotomized from all of our brains for introducing and legitimizing the phrase “it is what it is” ?
I say Yes.
Counterpoint:
A member of the 1977 South Side Hit Men
That man’s hat was working overtime.
It do indeed, Oscar.
As opposed to the phrases coined by corporate America?
Uh Ayo, can we put that in the parking lot and circle back later?
Que sera sera
How was Aaron Hernandez not the highest drafted tight end
There were concerns about his character.
Hard to believe, I know.
Look, if Urban Meyer didn’t see it coming I don’t know how the rest of us were supposed to.
Bristol’s Best!
Pats Scouting Report:
“Incredible athlete, good hands, sub 4.5 speed, might commit murder in the future, might not. I don’t know. Probably should take a chance, IDK. Has anger issues-could kill someone. Great value in the later rounds. Did I mention he might be a murderer? Runs great routes-might be a difference-maker. Give him a sharp knife in camp-see what happens. Great run after the catch ability. Did I mention he might kill someone? Otherwise, he’s a great kid.”
“Doesn’t take shit from anyone, and by that I mean he will literally kill you if he perceives you as disrespecting him. Seriously, he shot a guy in the face in Florida. I’m not making this up! Anyway, like Scotchy said in his report he’s really fast and has great hands. Take him in the 3rd round, because he’s also a murderer.”
He ended up even higher, at least a few feet off the ground.
You can’t expect him to be hanging around like that
What is he, a Dungy?
My son’s finest moment in college, and I’ve told this story before, was when his roommate, a HUGE Pats fan, came back to the room and my son told him that Hernandez got out of prison and the roommate got all excited and said “but how?” and my son said “probably feet first; he hung himself”
I was so proud.
That’s solid parenting.
Theory: there is nothing which you can’t make delicious by drizzling truffle oil on it
Counterpoint: Actual truffles are fine but overrated. Truffle oil is gross bullshit.
Source: A truffle pig
I’ve been called worse.
I mean real truffle oil, not the other shit
I hate to agree with a lawyer, but this bloodsucking leech is right.
Has to be very subtle. I had some truffle salami the other day, delish.
First course of the omakase was a sort of light tuna tart with a bit of truffle oil, so good and inspired this comment, even though in this case it would have been tasty even without the truffle
This is the second week in a row that my fishmonger has had fresh sardines. They are so good and so damn cheap, probably because most people are grossed out and/or don’t know how to prepare them.
Fucking delicioUs.
Enjoying now on the patio with a Clairette Blanche
I am filled with shame, but my laundry is about done and I will thusly skip el half segundo.
Laundry is the bane of mankind. I am legit gonna work remote because of the loss of the laundry benefit, and I may eventually go back to school to get the knowledge required to invent nanobots that eat the dirt off your clothes and come in convinient powder form
Working remote means your laundry’s right down the hallway, T shirts are acceptable and pants optional
Nah, laundry requires going outdoors at my apt. Plus I have to fold my own undies and pay money. Unacceptable.
The absurd suite I got upgraded to at the Vdara has a washer/dryer in one of the closets and I am actually super pissed I didn’t bring all my laundry to save myself $6
If you’re living at the Vdarra you are way out of my price range. Just sitting here in a condo in Seattle. With stacked washer-dryer by Bosch.
Those are called ‘moths’, Zymm.
They do the opposite, they eat the clothes and leave the dirt. I want to invent the anti-moth.
She was so convinced she could, the Doktor never paused to think if she should.
I saw one of those up close in Key West at a butterfly exhibit.
They are gorgeous.
It looks like an incredibly expensive silk scarf. Too pretty to be real!
Well I apparently get ESPN+ but not ESPN, but that doesn’t matter, because Richard Linklater’s Slacker is on, which is one of the greatest motion pictures ever made.
You can stream Everton’s massive League Cup tie tomorrow, then!
Who do yous got? We have something called Crawley.
Oops
I always liked it when KSK (and DFO) game threads would list the TV channels that games were available on. Those threads were usually my only guide to game broadcasts, because even Googling can be awful because the SEO algorithms would always direct me into a blizzard of fucking ads instead of just answering my goddam query.
tl;dr – what channel is this on?
ESPN.
Do you want us to look up the channel number for your area and provider, too?
I need you to turn the TV on and adjust the volume as well. There’s some cheddar popcorn in the kitchen; you can go ahead and bring that to me too. Thanks, and I’d appreciate it if you could speed it up a bit.
I’m not calling you out especially but everyone on this site that has had surgery on their lower limbs recently seems to be so needy.*
*I’ll be having surgery on a lower limb next Wednesday. I’ll be needy afterwards, thank you very much.
I’ve been getting my ass kissed so much lately I’m thinking about getting my other foot cut off.
Don’t fall for that trick, they won’t double your pill allotment!
What did you decide to do about your vacation?
Still up in the air but leaning toward not going.
Lower extremity surgery bros!
That’s right!
Me and BFC are Hollywood ball-waxing bros.
Is 506sports helpful?
https://506sports.com/
THIS GUY GETS IT!
I’m from the internet and I’m here to help
They just had a sideline thing with Laura, and all you could see was her nose. Nice job, ESPN!
Her eyes are up here
Olamide Zaccheaus is
a.) The leader of the Roman Lost Legion
b.) a wide receiver
c.) a dish from northern Nigeria
d.) a savvy detective character from a new book from Jasper Fforde
e.) the lead singer in the new hottest band “Equus”
f.) the latest addition to the Periodic Table
Announcer: “This Spread Offense is showing huge gains on chunk plays!*
*huge gain occurs because of missed tackle by defender
Losing Brian Griese is some help, but remains a shitty broadcast
Makes you miss the Boogermobile, doesn’t it?
Would love to see the Boogermobile come back but want it to be powered by hot air balloons so it could hover over the play.
Was the play over in a jif?
I think I could crack the ATL WR rotation. And the J-E-S-T still can’t tackle them.
Know what would make me smile? Todd Bowles makes MRSA Dreamboat play the entire first half of the pre-season finale, behind the 4th string OL.
Beautiful women reporters on the sideline, retread qb’s on the field-keep on doing what you’re doing, NFL. #recipeforsuccess
I mean, Mariota is TOTES a guy you can go 6-11 with, and not be in position to draft either franchise QB in 2023.
“Preach!”
-The Fins
Laura Rutledge looks like a stripper who is trying too hard.
Not showing enough skin
I mean, you have to IMAGINE that part. But the creepy smile, the ridiculous caked-on makeup, the FINGERNAILS? She won’t get through 2 sentences of small talk before asking if you’re ready for a private dance.
/tWBS would have LOVED this conversation
He really would
Welcome to Wrexham parts 1 and 2 premiere Wednesday night!!
Spoiler Alert:
Rob McElhenney is going to play both sides so that he comes out on top.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9EYt_f12wo&ab_channel=Download4What
Here’s a crossover I didn’t know I needed in my life until now:
Hank Hill is truly a man for all seasons.
I tell you what. You’re right.
/thank god none of the horrible characters in the cartoon were manifested in the political arena IRL
//phew! That was a close one!
They took mah SHINS!!!
Fuck, I want the Abridged version.
/Do they still make YGOTAS? I stopped watching in like 2011.
Its ok guys, Herschel has solved Climate change, he says we have enough trees. All good.
“Running Back Tries To Tackle Climate Change. It Doesn’t Go Well. We Give Him a Grade of 27.4”
-Pro Football Focus, trying to grow the brand
But what’s his stance on the quiet car?
-P King
To his credit, he knows trees are important. That makes him the most environmentally friendly drone in OrangeDouche’s collective.
Jesus Christ, he is such a moron!
/Laughs in Redacteds’ Stadium
Gerald J. Ford? Who the heck was that, the first man to become president of the Metropolitan Dallas Ford Dealership Association without actually being elected!?
Some rich asshole.
You got lucky.
Bloated corpse of Jimmy Hoffa finally found down in Dallas? Folks in East Rutherford will be so relieved!
Huh, you rarely see terraces on a football field these days.
I think that stadium is lactose intolerant
So that’s where they moved Tal’s Hill.
That’s Rikki’s Raiders! are cutting Obama Duck, taking fairly hefty ded cap hit.
Just in time for Fall Sweeps!!
Herschel Walker is getting heat for backing out on a Thursday debate because everybody will be watching SNF.
Actually, the Thursday kickoff is a SNF production when on NBC.
DM for my fees for weddings and parades*.
* raining surcharge applicable
Holy shit is cheese ever expensive right now! Especially Parm and Emmental. I need TwoPack to send cheese. I am sure the exchange and postage is STILL cheaper than here.
Should have warned all my Canadia brothers. I bought a massive block of Parm back in May, knowing the cost was going to skyrocket.
/one cool thingy about my job is that I get emails from suppliers regarding the price tendencies of pork, beef, seafood (shelled and not shelled) poultry, potatoes-itgoes on and on.
/if you like early Yukon’s that have very little skin on them, now is the time to buy
//the frozen market on lean ground beef is nearly non-existent, btw.
Thank you. My bff’s hubby works for Gordon Food Services and he warned us about meat during Covid so we loaded up. Did nae know the cheese issue.
Cheese is Satanic. REPENT, sayeth the Hippo!!
ANDROID TABLET: Please schedule new OS install time.
RTD: [starts scheduling, happens to cross through current time]
ANDROID TABLET: OKAY NOW!
So is he likely on the Ravens or Likely is his last name?
IT CAN BE TWO THINGS
After reading about the rules regarding this [cut blocks allowed within the ‘tackle box’] it’s very apparent that the block on Kayvon Thibdeaux was completely legal and Kayvon made a mental mistake. Yet another Giant gets banged up though.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHMn6okTou0&ab_channel=BrettKollmann