Welcome again to What We Drank Last Night.  In-depth beer, wine and liquor reviews are great, but the average North American has neither the time nor the attention span for “notes of smoked blueberry” and “nuances of toast.”  WWDLN aims to fill the void of when your at the liquor store and want to know whether the bottle in front of you is any good without first reading 10 pages on some blogsnob’s life story and preference in tasting glasses.

Alcohol is back!

No, I’ve not been Dry for a while, but my tolerance disappeared. I wasn’t paying for exotic alcohols when one Guinness was enough to send me to bed early. But our first Date Night since Sister Squishface was born rekindled my love of weird booze, so I’m reviving this feature. Besides, after Week 1, a fair number of our readers are going to need something to keep them from chugging Dranø.

Here’s the required format, as set forth in The Holy Writ:

• A picture of the beverage, if available. Can be a stock shot, still life in a glass or being poured over an attractive person’s body.
• A one-sentence description of the beverage.
• One sentence about about what you liked or didn’t like (herbal, too sweet, tastes like Andy Reid’s taintsweat, etc.)
• A picture or gif representing your rating of the beverage, preferably in a humo(u)rous manner.

Today’s beverages will be rated on a Scrubs scale.

TEERENPELI SINGLE MALT 12 YEAR

WHAT’S IT LIKE: It’s Finnish, so it tastes like sauna sweat and awkward social interaction!  Finnish whiskey went into hibernation for years until Teerenpeli started up, which is weird considering 1. the Finnish culture surrounding alcohol and 2. half of Finland’s cereal crop is barley (and they said Model UN was a useless activity…).  It was gloriously sherry-and-oak forward: lots of vanilla, a bit of fruit, but lighter than I expected.  It was like a good Speyside and a good Irish whiskey accidentally got mixed; not quite as good as either one alone, but a delicious novel experience.

VERDICT:

PAIX SUR TERRE 2020 MAISON MASON UGNI BLANC

What’s It Like: Long time since I had a white wine. It was like being 40 and running into a girl you dated for a month in college– you see why you were interested, but you understand why you moved on.  It was citrus and lemongrass and all the things I like in a white, but it was just very thin and unsatisfying.  I can appreciate that it’s probably an excellent example of its type, but…

Verdict:

JOSEPH MAGNUS TRIPLE CASK BOURBON

What’s It Like?: Imagine alcoholic caramel. A deep sweetness, like some sort of recursive Xzibit-style meme about hearing you like TV, so we put TVs in your TVs so you can watch yourself watching yourself. But for alcohol. I lost the thread, nevermind.  The bottom line is that it was remarkably complex for such a sweet bourbon, where you could actually separate the different kinds of sweetness (molasses versus maple syrup versus brown sugar).  My liver and my pancreas had a shouting match over which got to quit first.  It was lovely.

Verdict:

NFL NEWS: Whelp, no good news is given on a Tuesday.

-Rodrigo Blankenship, the bespectacled kicking hero of the Indianapolis Colts, is no more.  I mean, he’s not dead, he’s just not in Indianapolis anymore.  Which is kind of the opposite of dying.  After missing half of last year with a hip injury and a potentially-game-winning 42-yarder against the Texans (along with two out-of-bounds kickoffs in a dome), Blankenship was cut. Don’t worry though– Blankenship and his Horace Grant Rec Specs will probably be signed by another team in three weeks, because kickers are the left-handed relievers of the NFL.

-T.J. Watt has decided he doesn’t need surgery to fix his fucked-up pectoral muscles and is expected to be back in about six weeks.  Apparently his crack team of personal doctors determined a regimen of 6 am freezing baths, GRIT injections and daily handjobs would be his best course of recovery.

-DAKDAKDAK Prescott will not go on IR, meaning he could (in theory) come back sooner than Week 5. Why he would want to do that, I don’t know. Riding the bench while Cooper Rush makes you look like you’re worth every single one of those 160 million dollars seems like a pretty good idea from here.

-Jets refugee Jamal Adams ded.

WHAT DID YOU DRINK, MUTHAFUCKAS?