[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

"I, frankly, am just amazed that someone from the Patriots organization would cheat!" – Dok

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Your Sunday Night NFL Football Open Thread

scotchnaut

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, ,

We’re four weeks into the season and from my vantage point, this year is even more entertaining than it was last year. (Cue purists crying about the dreadfulness that is ‘parity’.)

To The Game!

Chiefs/Bucs:

-Oh look, another qb ball-slurpage marathon just like last Sunday night. We never get tired of them.

-Were you to give me all your money (and you should) I would lean on the Chiefs here, even though Tommy has some weapons coming back. Why? They should be on limited snap counts.

-Both Godwin and Julio are something of game-timers according to Schefter. If just one of them goes it should give some needed oomph! to the passing game.

-Not sure how much longer Brady’s ego can handle only throwing an average of one TD per game.

-The Bucs D is off to a phenomenal start, giving up an average of three field goals per game. (points-wise) I do think that Mighty Mahomes might fiddle with that number though.

-Don’t expect the Chiefs to get things done on the ground. Last week they totaled 58 yards and the Bucs have the 5th best run D.

-Is it time to talk about CEH’s bust? I’m kinda leery about any back that doesn’t thrive in an Andy Reid offense. I mean, the guy has coached Brian Mitchell, Duce Staley, Brian Westbrook, LeSean McCoy, Jamaal Charles and Kareem Hunt and they’ve all been remarkably successful in his scheme.

That’s it for me today. Keep tapping at those damn buttons-show them who’s the boss!

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Doktor Zymm

Most of the lyrics from the early 90s make no sense whatsoever and I think that’s what I like about them. It’s objectively correct to feel ennui about the absurdity of modernity. Giving me specifics just provides grounds for objections.

2
Horatio Cornblower

Todd Bowles’s default expression is ‘confused’

0
Horatio Cornblower

THIS GUY CRIS COLLINSWORTH I CALL HIM ‘DIOGENES’ BECAUSE HIM SAYING HE’S NOT AN EXPERT IN ANYTHING IS THE MOST HONEST THING THAT’S EVER BEEN UTTERED DURING AN NFL BROADCAST!!!

6
King Hippo

Did Horny Fourny die?

0
litre_cola

He just old

1
King Hippo

As an old, I know these are pretty much same difference.

1
Mr. Ayo

He’s resting.

0
King Hippo

Just looked up, TD for someone on Chefs who I had no idea even existed. This is good.

1
Doktor Zymm

Aw forgot about this song 🙂
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKXaMzFeLg0

0
yeah right

So I won the money pick em league at work in week 1 and I’m almost certain to win this week too.

Is it bad form to walk the fuck away and not play again until next year?

0
Doktor Zymm

Leave $5 for the widows and orphans fund. Then you good.

2
Mr. Ayo

Of course. Also, why quit when you’re obviously better than them? So much money still available.

3
yeah right

This is a good answer because I’ve been a damn patsy for the last 2 years and let’s make that shit back.

4
Horatio Cornblower

Never apologize for winning money.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Absolutely, yes.

0
ThePirateSloth

How many of the Commentariat we got in Dallas? Imma be there in 2 weeks.

0
yeah right

Not there but recently traveled and can give recommendations.

1
ThePirateSloth

I grew up there, bringing the Mrs. Sloth to meet the childhood friends. I kinda want to hit up the State Fair, because maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan I miss it. And I almost got tickets to hit up Reunion Tower, but since there are no restaurants open up there… eh.

1
yeah right

Pecan Lodge for dinner first and foremost.

1
ThePirateSloth

Oh, I think I can fit in a visit to this place.

2
Doktor Zymm

I’ll be there for NYE, but I think our Cow fans are not local. Actually, no idea where Spur is.

1
Horatio Cornblower

I had friends there but they left and never went back.

1
ThePirateSloth

Shit, I left in 96 and have never wanted to move back.

1
Fronkenshteen

Great job Melissa. Really insightful. Now go tuck your colon back up inside your asshole, smoke a half a pack of cigarettes, and go home.

4
Horatio Cornblower

That’s outstanding hate.

1
Doktor Zymm

Okay, this here local commercial,
“We make junk disappear, all you have to do is point!”
I know dudes have a fear of ladies pointing and perhaps laughing, but that’s no reason to shrivel up, maybe we’re pointing because it’s great!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ie4x8hWYYE

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“G-g-g-g-great song!” – Stuttering Bill O’Brien

0
ThePirateSloth

What a glorious day to be alive!

2
litre_cola

Iggles won, my Canadian futbol team won and made the playoffs, I won 2 bets. 3-1 in FF, I agree, glorious!

1
ThePirateSloth

.

giphy (10).gif
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Doktor Zymm

It’s skinny Andy Reid!

2
Doktor Zymm

None of us need this, but the reason we don’t see deaths in the NFL is probably because they all died in college. I remember a couple of these, but what incentives do college programs have to change? Once again, fuck the NCAA until you can pull its intestines out
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_American_football_players_who_died_during_their_careers

Last edited 3 years ago by Doktor Zymm
0
herodotus450

Everyone arguing for a return to soft pads and helmets and stuff needs to sort by date in that college deaths table

1
Doktor Zymm

There was actually a huge lull since the 30s when the forward pass was legalized, but seems to be a resurgence since in the past 20 years which, not great. And a lot of it just practice exhaustion.

0
BugEyedBoo

Pretty sure I read somewhere that kick return rules had to be modified to make the flying wedge illegal because it was killing players.

2
Doktor Zymm

I remember that being a NFL rule change in the early days of OH SHIT CTE, no idea if it was also a college thing. Either way probably for the best that we don’t just mow down eager younuns.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Interesting coincidence how global warming kicked in at around the same time as all these heat exhaustion deaths.

0
BugEyedBoo

My wife’s uncle has a good story about being on the second string on his HS football team. They could only afford the newfangled plastic helmets for the first string, and it was no fun whatsoever to get sent out on the field in his leather helmet.

0
Doktor Zymm

Andy Reid would make a great portable projector screen if he was wearing a white polo

1
Gumbygirl

Live -action Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

0
Mr. Ayo

For the last time Andy, the meat conveyor belt stops when you move. Stand still!

0
Horatio Cornblower

Can you imagine the stains?

1
clint greasewood

Waiting for Brady to take off the jersey and pads and start flicking off the crowd as he runs to the locker room ala Antonio Brown.

1
Brick Meathook

Andy Reid likes to eat a lot of food:

comment image

0
LemonJello

Yo-Gabba-Gabbert is TB12’s backup? We need…THE FLOW!

3
Mr. Ayo

Brady hurt?!?!?

0
TheRevanchist

He probably ran into the huge erection I have right now.

4
Doktor Zymm

Physically or emotionally?

2
Mr. Ayo

Both! His marriage is in shambles! And his shoulder is messed up now.

2
Horatio Cornblower

No one knows what goes on in the privacy of a marriage, and there are certainly all sorts of issues that all couples have to face and deal with as they navigate through their lives together, but whatever it is going wrong in Brady’s marriage I feel pretty confident in saying that it’s all his fault.

3
Doktor Zymm

They both seem like not great people, so I’m going to go with the sum of the parts being more fucked up than the individual amounts of fuckupedness

1
Horatio Cornblower

I don’t know anything about Gisele, and am only judging Brady based on everything he’s very publicly done and said over the years.

2
Horatio Cornblower

With the provision that I don’t like giving NFL Memes any sort of credit…

https://twitter.com/NFL_Memes/status/1576710303659671552

That’s a big ol’ yikes.

1
Doktor Zymm

Missing the easy access to stupid sports bets. I’m sure the team over/unders in this game were fun

0
Doktor Zymm

EVEN MORE HELLAIRITY!

1
The Maestro

Even Madden ’04 Vick couldn’t do what Mahomes just did right there.

1
blaxabbath

You gotta unlock Prison Mike

3
Brick Meathook

I haven’t seen a QB have this much fun out there since Brett Favre.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Did Mahomes just rip off a bunch of poor people?

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

That was increíble

0
litre_cola

Mrs Cola asks about the camo hats.

My response ‘SUPPORT THE TROOPZ”

Her response “What are the troops even doing right now”

SUPPORT. THE. TROOPZ.

4
Doktor Zymm

There’s still more deployments than you might think. Small percentage of the troops, but still blows for them. The US needs free college if for no other reason than to defang military recruiting

0
Horatio Cornblower

Which is the (“the”, of course, meaning “one of many”) reason(s) we’ll never get free college. Frankly I’ll be surprised if high school is free by the time I shuffle off this mortal coil.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m curious as to how many of them are working with and for Ukraine. Like training, intelligence assessments, etc.

1
Doktor Zymm

None in Ukraine itself. MAYBE some in Poland, but while we’re doing materiel support and intelligence support for Ukraine (and quite well it seems!) we’ve explicitly avoided doing anything like ‘combat advisors’. I would put money on it being contractors for training and agents for passing on intel. Any sort of military presence in the area would endanger aid by provoking that idiotPutin.

0
Brick Meathook

The submarine service is always deployed, and always on combat-duty status regardless of world conditions.

And they’re not “troops.” Troops sell Girl Scout cookies. “The troops” is a meaningless term used by people who don’t know what they’re talking about and don’t even mean it anyway.

2
litre_cola

That’s interesting about the submarine service. How many are always going?

0
Gumbygirl

More than enough.

1
Brick Meathook

I don’t know the numbers anymore but around half of them are at sea at a given time. The rest are in maintenance (routine and major).

3
litre_cola

Pardon my complete ignorance is it the same for China, Russia, and those with a fleet? Always be movin?

0
Brick Meathook

Probably. The Soviets definitely did. I can’t tell with China; I don’t think they’re nearly as good as they portray themselves as.

1
Doktor Zymm

Do they even have a full on sub service?

0
Brick Meathook

They do. A lot of them.

0
litre_cola

I remember the Russians regularly getting spotted near Scottish oil rigs and shores a while back.

0
Horatio Cornblower

I can drive down to Groton and ask.

/warning shots destroy engine block

Well, turns out they’re kind of reluctant to share that information…

0
BugEyedBoo

Not original to me: the AVF (All Volunteer Force) plus Forever War has created a sort of aura around the military service. Everyone way back when, when I joined (1979) most likely knew somebody in their immediate family who served, or had served themselves. I served, my dad served, my stepdad served, my best friend in high school served. And so on. And these folks, myself included, knew that the military was, among other things, a great big bureaucracy full of all sorts of folks doing all sorts of things people do; bravery, sacrifice, dealing with stupid red tape, stealing, killing, cheating on their spouses, etc.

TV shows and movies made back then would reflect that. Some examples are Gomer Pyle USMC, MASH., Stripes, and Private Benjamin. This doesn’t count the older, goofy ones like Sgt. Bilko and McHale’s Navy.

Fast forward to today. Of all the people I know and work with, I know one person, counting both them and their families, younger than, say, 40 who was in the military. He washed out of an attempt to become an oboe player in a Marine Corps band, but decided to honor his enlistment even though the Marines were more than willing to let him off the hook. And I’m not alone. So the servicemen and servicewomen who serve in the AVF are relatively unknown to folks like me that live nice lives out in the suburbs. Somebody’s fighting and dying, but they’re not nearly as ubiquitous as they used to be.

People want to honor their service, because here in the USA that’s what you’re supposed to do for your soldiers. So you get that, “Thank you for your service,” stuff*. TV and film producers don’t make shows and movies that mock soldiers a’la MASH or show them in any bad way. Most folks get to have a little WWII cosplay, leaving out the bad parts of WWII like deaths and injuries (physical and mental). Very few, or nobody you know served, so nobody you knew personally got blowed up in Afghanistan or Iraq. I bet your average Pentagon PR person likes that just fine.

*My mom’s boyfriend thanked be for my service. For what? I worked in an electronics lab as a lab technician for three years and drank way too much beer.

1
litre_cola

Chefs are rolling this evenin.

0
Doktor Zymm

But are they riding dirty?

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Riding dangerously, at least in the case of Britt Reid.

3
litre_cola

The Frenchie is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBD3V7dyqN8

1
blaxabbath

I just looked at matt rhules hc record (cfb and pro). How the hell did he get this gig?

0
King Hippo

I mean, he’s still WHITE

0
Brick Meathook

TB12!

comment image

2
King Hippo

Strawberry rhubarb pie will do that to a fellow

1
Dunstan

Worth it.

5
blaxabbath

Credit where due, Kliff Kingsbury can run away with a game against a bad team when the opposition is allergic to crossing mid-field.

0
blaxabbath

Second caller thinks Kingsbury covering his mouth while talking in the mic is to battle some Astros style cheating by the Panthers.

While unlikely, he’s not wrong that Houston Astros organization is a bunch of cheats.

2
Doktor Zymm

Don’t they all cover their mouths while talking into the mic? Usually with the play card

0
blaxabbath

That was the response by the ex-player host.

1
Brick Meathook

That’s exactly why they cover their mouth, to prevent lip-reading. Baseball pitchers use their gloves for that during mound conferences. And lip reading isn’t cheating; if you can see it and understand it, it’s fair game.

0
Doktor Zymm

Solution: MONGOLIAN THROAT SINGING FOR PLAY CALLS

2
Horatio Cornblower

Goddammit, Zymm; that’s your solution for everything.

0
Horatio Cornblower

The Panthers? Jesus Christ, you could yell your plays across the field at them and still win by 11.

0
Doktor Zymm

Hellairious!

1
blaxabbath

First CARDINALS TALK caller opens with rights and prayers for all those in Florida recovering from the hurricane.

At this point, the entire sports talk landscape can be handled by a computer.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Any prayers for the Republican congressmen and senators who voted against the bill with Hurricane Ian relief funding in it?

2
blaxabbath

I don’t think they’re actually thinking or praying about anyone anywhere ever.

0
Gumbygirl

Did they tell people to donate to DeSatan’s private charity/slush fund instead of the Red Cross? Because that would NOT surprise me.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Every coach ever: TAKE THE SACK
Machines: i got this
Brett Favre: ejaculates before going to prison

0
blaxabbath

Did Favre break a law?

0
Doktor Zymm

Yeah, but they only really enforce stealing from welfare if you’re a poor so I don’t think he’s going anywhere

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Several

0
Doktor Zymm

Do you think Carlton Davis has this dude as a namesake?
comment image

1
LemonJello

Horesy v Horsey for Thursday night!

2
Doktor Zymm

Chargers used to be a horsey team too, and their horse on horse action with the broncs mark a significant date for me

0
Brick Meathook

comment image

3
TheRevanchist

Looks kind of like the dad on Malcolm In The Middle.

0
WCS

comment image

I don’t know…

4
blaxabbath

“Say. My. Name.”

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Cheaty McCheaterton

0
Horatio Cornblower

You’re goddamn right.

0
The Maestro

THIS PATRICK MAHOMES I CALL HIM HURRICANE IAN BECAUSE HE’S ONLY IN TOWN A SHORT LITTLE WHILE AND IS WRECKING TAMPA’S SHIT IN RECORD TIME

6
Doktor Zymm

Kelce is a big dude, I thought they were supposed to be gentle?

0
King Hippo

YAY, Team Revanchist!

1
TheRevanchist

Feels good to have the hatred of the other QB giving us such great support.

2
blaxabbath

I’ve respected the consistency re: your avatar.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[runs through the clubhouse wearing nothing but a bandana wrapped around his wingwang yelling “WINLESS NO MORE!”]

10
Doktor Zymm

HOW MANY WINS?!
*Looks down at wing-wang*
ONE!

6
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, but it’s a big one.

2
Doktor Zymm

Don’t feel like you need to justify yourself, when Favre looks down he sees a tie

Last edited 3 years ago by Doktor Zymm
3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I meant a big bandana. I’m trying to have at least a *little* decency.

0
The Maestro

Boneless wings you say, Applebee’s?

They’re nuggets. They’ve always been nuggets. Drop the pretenses.

Though credit for the whole 5 for $1 setup. Paying an identical (and sometimes even higher) price for boneless vs. regular wings is some longrunning hooooorseshit.

4
litre_cola

Saucy Nuggz. NOT wings. Preach!

1
Doktor Zymm

But are they nuggets or fingers?

0
WCS

It’s Applebee’s, so the feet.

3
blaxabbath

You know, there’s an Applebee’s at Central and Camelback. It’s a pretty premium intersection and they just redid the shops in their all MCM/Yuppie but that Applebees still stands. I’ve never lived more than 3 miles from it (7 of 10 years) and I’ve never been and never will go — not for any fault of it.

Anyways, point is, Rex Ryan buying that place would actually make sense when you think about it. He could be this generation’s margaritaville.

0
King Hippo

Andy Reid’s hat is always on. Never noticed he was bald before. Of course, he’s so fucking fat, hard to notice anything beyond that.

0
Doktor Zymm

I was also unaware, although now that you mention it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him sans hat. He has taken the route that is both practical and aesthetic though and just shaved his head.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like he’s put on a lot of weight in advance of Britt’s DUI trial.

0
King Hippo

If he’s fat enough to be handicapped, would that be a mitigating factoUr at sentencing?

/just kidding, if my Simpsons memory is right, he passed that about 5 whole turkeys ago

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Starting these games at 820 is stupid. Get going at 805, you pinkos.

2
TheRevanchist

I am so glad the mute button keeps me from hearing Carrie Underwood.

3
BugEyedBoo

Carrie Underwood > Hank Williams Jr., but that’s a really low bar to clear.

4
Doktor Zymm

I think you recommended Annals of the Former World a few weeks ago, only a couple chapters in but enjoying already, thank you!

0
King Hippo

It’s amazing, we have TWO West By God Virginia natives on here. And they BOTH CAN READ!

1
BugEyedBoo

#1 just for you.

EF4UsjyWoA4QDU1.jpg
2
BugEyedBoo

Something about the hills maybe, it’s still “Back home,” even though I’m never going back, and I’ve lived elsewhere more than twice as long as I lived there.

1
BugEyedBoo

yw. I was looking at it in the bookshelf last night and thinking I need to read it again.

And I think somebody here recommended The Dawn of Everything, and that is the good stuff.

2
King Hippo

I have my volume manually all the way down to “0” so I don’t accidentally unmute and hear the knob-slobbering. Or Carrie Underwood.

0
BugEyedBoo

SpaceX, Tesla Motors, now robots!

https://twitter.com/BriannaWu/status/1576021072239300608

1
LemonJello

Did they try turning it off, then back on, before the reveal?

1
Gumbygirl

Bang on it with a hammer?

1
litre_cola

Is it a sex bot?

1
LemonJello

Fister Roboto?

3
TheRevanchist

I took a poll of all the people in my house that will have a birthday within the next 2 months. The result is 100% that KC will win this game.

1
Horatio Cornblower

We ordered take-out tonight. They said 30 minutes. Got there after 30 minutes. Said they were just waiting on the soups. Waited 10 minutes, during which time one person ahead of me left, three more people piled in behind me, and the girl working the front took a call complaining that the delivery order was wrong.

Asked about the soups. Got a confused/terrified look. She said she didn’t know how long it would be, pointed to the kid behind me and said “he’s been waiting 20 minutes”, which is pretty much the least helpful thing she could have said.

I tell her to just give me the money back, (because I had paid when I came in), and that’ll be the end of it. This winds up with the manager begging for 5 more minutes, (surprise, it was not just the soups; they had forgotten my daughter’s order entirely), because he was understaffed. He’s not understaffed, of course, he just has a bunch of his relatives working there who don’t know how to work in a kitchen. And I know this because the same thing happened the last time I tried to get takeout here, (whole thing’s a shame, because the food is really good), and he had the same excuse.

To wind this up he eventually got his 5 minutes, took 10, (which I waited for because my daughter’s meal was clearly going to be fresh), and gave me half the money back. Ordinarily I would have told him to keep it, but I was just too pissed off about the whole thing.

And while all this was going on the three people eating in had yet to be served, two more calls had come in about missing pizzas out for delivery, and none of the people waiting to pick-up takeout had gotten their orders.

If that were my restaurant I would say it’s arson time.

1
Doktor Zymm

Good for them that people like their food. Nawt good for them that they cook like amateurs. I would say that perhaps they should hire Wussel Rilson, but his cooking ability has been called into question recently.

Oh well, hope your food was awesome, and maybe tell them to pad their estimates by 20-30 minutes in future.

4
LemonJello

Why is Princeton Eating Club screaming on set? Does he not understand how microphones work?

0
Doktor Zymm

Tom Brady is older than me, and I’m quite happy that he absolutely looks older than me now. SEE WHERE YOUR ANTI-TOMATO AND IODIZED SALT GODS HAVE GOTTEN YOU NOW AND WEEP!

9
Doktor Zymm

I’m gonna go open another bottle of fizzy wine, just in case that’s what’s keeping me younger than Tawwmy.

7
the Alpha and the Amoeba

Dammit Packers, stop letting games go down to the wire

0
Doktor Zymm

So this is fun for killing time before game-like thing starts: https://onemileatatime.com/news/stolen-phone-american-airlines-flight/

0
litre_cola

I don’t think that happened. Too much doesn’t add up.

0
Doktor Zymm

Yeah, seems super weird, but an enjoyable read and nothing verifiable so I’m rolling with it

1
litre_cola

Then again people are crazier today than 10 years ago so rum guy could be off his rocker.

1
King Hippo

Mandatory is for the WATCH, not the paying of attention. And deffo not having the volume on/listening.

0
Redshirt

-my parents at my grade school concerts (sniff)

4
King Hippo

EXACTLY! They were technically there, so NO THERAPY for you!!

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