TGIF! So long, work week and good riddance to another Thursday night of a pupper abortion game. DO SOMETHING CONGRESS! But we’re not here to reminisce, we’re here to survive for the weekend.
Survival – Personal Edition
Now some of you may not have enough money to pay for some help around the house. Which absolutely means you have to do your own chores. For shame! But, I’m here to cheer you up and give some great tips on how to make those “chores” a fun “hobby”! That’s right, we’re changing those chores to hores. Wait, that doesn’t work. Forget that, just read on for fun times!
- You’re now a spy. You have one hour to complete your mission. Your mission: laundry. The stakes: Wichita. That’s right. Complete the laundry in an hour or the entire city of Wichita is flattened. Gone. Nary a lone nutmeg will survive the neutral extinction event. Unless you’ve finished folding, hanging, and putting away those laundered clothes. We’re all counting on you.
- My favoUrite. Make the chore a drinking game. Doing dishes manually? One shot per dish type. (Utensils, plates, cups, pots, pans, other) Doing dishes in a dishwasher? One shot after pre-rinsing. If no pre-rinsing required, one shot to get started. Then one shot per loaded tray with a final shot when turned on or scheduled. Cleaning the bathroom? One shot for the sink, one for the toilet, one for the shower, one for the floor. Vacuuming? One shot every 5 minutes until you can’t hear the roar anymore.
- This one is fun if you live alone, even better if you want to be passive aggressive to your housemates. I call it the “Joe Buck”. Self narrate yourself doing the chore. Make sure to use the third person. For example, “Mr. Ayo, fresh off a full day of work and a liquid lunch, is squaring up to dust the living room. Mr. Ayo has his trusty Swiffer that has aided him for all these years firmly grasped in hand, posed to strike. The dust accumulation is a proper opponent today, having built up its defenses for oh so many months. This has all the trappings of a great battle.” Anyway, I’m not going to finish that story, just know I won, and so can you.
- Are you an insomniac? Do your chores in the middle of the night pretending to be a ninja. That’s right, low lights, no noise, silently eviscerating those chores like they’re Oda Nobunaga. By sunup, leave everyone astonished at the meticulous cleanliness of your palace while you drift, at long last, off to sleep.
- Lastly, if you have kids. Just make them do it. Bribe the shit out of them if you have to. Money? Sure! McD’s? Sure! Ice Cream? Sure! Toy store visit? Of course! Just get it done. But seriously, kids are the last hold out of free slavery, make the most of it.
Alright, now you’ve got some ideas how to make use of your downtime this weekend when the JV and lesser footy turn to disappointment. Just one last thing to do before that!
Click here to get to commenting
Survival – Species Edition
Time to put the sexy in Friday!
Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to what’s most important: Commenting and drinking!
I too saw the ospreys fly over El Segundo today as I made my weekly trip to Ralph’s for comestibles. It was pretty fucking cool and definitely against the standard landing pattern at LAX.
Let’s go Padres.
That was definitely ROCKING!
I take one evening off to watch quality cinema (Tucker and Dale vs Evil, two snaps up!) and somebody posts Rubber Ducky! I sang along, because I am 5! Bravo, my muppets! Tomorrow we jayvee, brought to you by the number 8, and the letter K. And McDonalds
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6yQUVs-qdI
“Awaiting for approval.” Was that written by the same Shakespeare who wrote “Login In”?
Good night you princes of maine and kings of new englands and the rest etc
Good night to you as well, Dr. Z. (& please be careful with the ether)
RIP ‘Dr.’/Coach Rhule
I go by Venicen King nowadays.
Here’s a Vought OSU Corsair, the first of four Vought aircraft to bear the Corsair moniker. A workhorse naval aircraft for twenty years, it also killed King Kong.
Killed King Kong?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjsCqaC-j74
Here’s the floatplane version. The OSU went through many adaptions in its long career, including that of “giant ape killer.”
That ape didn’t do nothin’ to nobody except kill a few people, yet look what they did to him, using Vought OSU Corsairs with fairings on their engine cylinders for increased cooling and less drag:
The other Corsairs were: the FBU Corsair dive bomber (1933), the gull-winged F4U Corsair (1940), and the jet powered A-7 Corsair (1965). None of these aircraft ever killed an enormous primate ravaging New York City.
My alarm is set for 4:30 in the morning to watch Wrexham play at 5:00 am on ESPN2. It’s going to be a helluva good time. Pretzels (soft and hard), cheese, wings, and booze.
I’m way more invested in this club than. I thought I would be. Up the town.
That pitcher was probably a superstar jock at his high school yet he is still a big string-bean doofus. Just goes to show you, doesn’t it? It sure does.
Big Green String-Bean?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAnPwbi4dDA
Wow i actually listened to that. Thought it was Brian Wilson.
It took 5 years, but I now miss snow and get excited about cold. Just looked at the weather for Chicago while I’ll be there, saw high of 43F on Monday and thought ‘nice’
That’s actually chillier than normal for mid-October, might be a year where I can bust out my polar gear later in the winter
Nothing is as cold right now as the Dodgers bats.
Someone doesn’t have an ex-wife
Jonlovitzcritic.gif
It stinks!
Boy I just thought up a great game to take the “chore” out of entertaining the lady with the cantaloupe. Thanks Mr Ayo!
My pleasure, sir.
These French mystery books are increasing the amount I am looking forward to my trip in September, and might even be enough to get me to be better about trying to learn French
Wee wee!
Wait, I mean Oui Oui!
I read Decilitre “Boucle d’or et les trois ours” tonight!
I am actually reasonably tired despite sleeping a solid 9 hours on the plane, but I should probably have a glass of wine to help me get to sleep anyway
I think you meant bottle. But keep going until you reach your dreams.
I’m sure a glass will do fine.
I need one of them glasses.
I have the beer mug equivalent. It holds a 6-pack
Good thing it doesn’t know the difference between beer and wine.
Solid move. Alcohol is the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems after all.
The Women’s 2021?! Rugby World Cup is on right now. Looks like a lovely day in Kiwiland.
Did we go back in time and no one told me? Again?!
Yeah you get to keep the new baby AND you’re going to have another one too. Weird times man.
Vasectomy my ass! That’s two! I want a refund, or, at least their college paid for.
You and Antonio Cromartie should start a club. Or see if you can sneak one into his brood, there’s enough he might not notice an extra
Yeah, they’re doing the same thing with not changing the name despite it being delayed a year.
Met my new skip manager in London and it turns out he plays rugby. He says everyone who plays in the UK really just want to be American football players.
Scotchy’s Senators are a laughable 0-1 right now, in case anyone was wondering.
I really do need to do laundry, I should have done it last week before heading to London, as the additional laundry from the trip will probably necessitate the overflow laundry bag. Maybe I should just bring a bunch of it to Chicago with me tomorrow and do it at my condo where I have an in unit washer/dryer.
I’m setting the timer for 1 hour. I’ll start it on your command.
Wichita prays for you.
What city is after Wichita? I might be willin to procrastinate for a few hours if I can get rid of most of Oklahoma
Topeka is somewhere in there.
No idea why Dorothy didn’t stay in Oz
Sorry honey, but it works the other way. Chi*** is only two procrastinations from being the target.
Damn, I was hoping I could finally procrastinate for the forces of Good
Ok yeah, this is happening. I’ll actually have something to put in my luggage on the way back from Chicago this time! And I save like $6!
That’s a couple Arby’s sandos.
The Dodgers putting Andrew Heaney in is working out just as well as it did last year when the Yankees would put Andrew Heaney in.
I cannot believe this game is only 2-0. It feels like it should be 9-0.
https://twitter.com/UConnFootball/status/1580985282622464000
I gotta believe UConn wins tomorrow. I mean, that husky is going to tear that bird apart. This isn’t even fair.
Big time.
Finally watching Top Gun: Maverick.
Wish me luck.
Good luck
Don’t get too attached to Goose.
Oh shit, my bad. Didn’t realize that was the sequel.
Anyway, don’t believe it when Maverick bails out at 10.5 Mach and doesn’t get all his limbs ripped off. I’m not really sure what the context of that is, but Neil de Grasse Tyson was very upset about it on Twitter last week.
It’s fun!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxzwfZ2Wa94
How is it that we are not writing piece after piece featuring Herschel Walker as a kharacter?
I mean, you can’t really parody someone who’s already a caricature.
You’d almost have to go the other way and have him be a secret genius like I’M MARK DAVIS
Because he’s literally beyond parody at this point?
This. Nothing I could come up with would top what he’s actually doing.
“OK, OK, I got it! So, Herschel comes out like he’s this big family man, and then his estranged gay son, who’s a TikTok personality or something, rips into him for abandoning and/or threatening that family in favor of his many other families, and then right when that’s breaking it turns out that not only has Herschel been paying for abortions he’s actually sent the women extra mo…He what? OH COME ON!!!!!”
And he is a Cop! Fox viewers will eat up this new sitcom.
Because the truth is stranger than fiction?
Maybe one of us needs to bash our head into a brick wall repeatedly to induce CTE, then wait 10 years, and THEN that one can approximate such a character.
During the week I don’t take any Oxycodone tablets so that I can save them up and take fistfuls of them on the weekend. However, I graduated from swallowing them whole to chewing on them. Then I started grinding them up and snorting big ol’ rails of Roxy, but even that doesn’t do it for me anymore. Now, I grind them up and mix them into a buffered saline solution and then I pour this mixture into my eyeballs.
You never go full Hippo
Get a needle and shoot it like a proper person.
hey I’m not a junkie
…yet
We’ve entered the Drag Out the Wife and Kids Part of the Election Cycle in Ohio.
(deducts points from Tim Ryan)
That ad with him and his wife drinking is solid
This one had their kids in stereotypical looking-at-their-phones role.
Holy shit this GOP ad that just aired during the Dodgers game is pretty fucking racist.
“Keep America White – Like the Dodgers has always been!”
I thought I hallucinated that.
-Redshirt, 2015-present, Several, Several, Damned Times
No, the Bengals really did make the Super Bowl last season.
Sure they did, Horatio! Sure they did!
They started saying the quiet part out loud a while ago….
Dumbbells pitching not off to a great start tonight.
As long as you hit the bat, it all works. Go Doyers!
I would advise the young woman in pic #1 not to paddle out if she doesn’t see anybody else in the lineup, and to stay on land and have a mai tai with me instead.
What a long short week. On Manhattan #2.
Speaking of Sexy Friday, did anybody else catch the underboob that the cameraman managed to get in frame just now during the Padres-Dungheaps game?
Of course.
Must…not….make….second….base…joke….
Huh, never thought to use Twitter for porn, but then again, what part of the internet isn’t for just that? Anyway, here’s Asa Akira:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhCL5Ygzc24
Is she “en casa” or is that a casting couch?
It can be both
But in all seriousness, that does look like her home couch.
Maybe she works from home like most people nowadays.
Also, how do you know what her home couch looks like?
Why do you know that?
Mrs. Sharkbait would like to know this answer as well.
She’s a lovely, honorable, married woman and there’s no benefit to ask why I recognized a couch.
No one said anything about it being beneficial, we just want to know why you recognize the interior of a porn star’s house.
Horatio, we live in a world that has porn stars, and those porn stars have to be guarded. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Horatio? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Carol Maltesi, and you curse the bloggers. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know — that Carol’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.
You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that porn star — you need me on that porn star.
We use words like “bukakke,” “autoerotic asphyxiation” “fluffer”. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent doing something. You use them as a punch line.
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very entertainment that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it.
I would rather that you just said “thank you” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a pile of cash and call a local escort. Either way, I don’t give a DAMN what you think you’re entitled to!
Fantastic.
That should be a banner
I don’t think it would fit.
Also something someone said.
I am willing to create a new site just to have this be the sole thing on it.
And by that I mean I am willing to have someone else create such a site, as I’m not really sure how one goes about doing that. Either way, this has made my night.
Good God man, these pics are amazing!
The mighty hunter about to spear the pink duck, (I’m sure that’s a euphemism for something, but damned if I know what), was particularly striking.
Stupid sexy Ernie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh85R-S-dh8
I’m singing along, and I remember most of the words! What I lack in accuracy, I’m making up for in volume.
My favoUrite set of pics is 6 weeks in the future. Mark your calendar.
/6 weeks from now
Mrs.Cornblower: “Horatio, the kid is gone and I’m wearing that spe…”
Horatio: “BE GONE, HARLOT!!!”
Please, everyone, do not abdicate your relationships for Sexy Friday.
You can have both!
I LOVE the multiple surfboard pics!
I don’t do fantasy at all, but, the Stillers entire first string secondary is out this week against Dreamboat.
GAMBLOR with that how you will.
The way those assdicks get EVERY BREAK HUMANLY POSSIBLE
I feel that way about the Chiefs.
*Fires up the Boris signal*
Holy shit, what amazing work this week. SHOULDERS REPRESENTIN’ LIKE A MOFO
I aim to please, sir.
just don’t make eye contact that makes it weird smh
Ay, Redshirt–
https://twitter.com/UrbanAchievr/status/1580932918561898497?t=NIGYoQjtWrmZPcxPWMYrtw&s=19
Oh good. I’m not the only one.
“There are dozens of us! DOZENS!!!!”
Under: “Really, Redshirt?! You bet me?!”
Me: “Its been a long couple of years! Don’t judge me, betting option!”