Wakey, wakey, chucklefucks.
I am reasonably burned out on Lesser Footy, but I did want to pat myself on the back (and fuck up my c-spine even worse) about this Shempions League DFO predicion:
2. Pick a Shock Result!
King Hippo – Maccabi Haifa are going to beat somebody in the Holy Land – the name is just too g-ddamned cool for it not to happen. Let’s call it as Juve, as that would make Hippo laugh and laugh – plus UEFA would love to see a “Super League” booster get their pants pulled down.
Still, Shempions can go screw. I am bored with all non-Holy Land aspects.
On the pitch today, you get resurgent Leicester hosting Palace (7:30, USA). Not bad, in terms of competitiveness/importance. But fuck Brendan Rodgers.
Only two matches in the 10:00 window, as news filters out that Inglen is joining the modern world and phasing out the stupid “live TV blackout” nonsense. EFL matches will likely all be televised domestically starting next season, with the Prem almost certainly following suit in 2024-25 (once their current broadcast deals end). Wolves/Forest are on USA, the Litre/yeah right Derby streams on Peacock. Once looks forward to a similarly spread-out broadcast schedule in the future.
Spurs welcome Hippo’s Less-But-Still-Disappointing Everton for a friendly, Spotlight Dance skullfucking (12:30, NBC). I don’t care how overwhelming the odds, put it ALL ON the Yid Army.
Sunday, with NO Euro-NFL to avert our eyeballs…NBC has EVERYTHING on Peacock. What dicks. And 4 of the 5 fixtures are at 9:00, with only Redshite/City of Men standaing alone (11:30, Peacock). I guess stream Leeds hosting the King’s Mighty and Proud Afrikan Water Pistols amongst the early options. But eat shit, NBC Sports.
Paedo State (+7) at Michigan (Noon, Fox)
It is SO GROSS having to want Lesser Harbs to win. So, I probably won’t watch much.
Auburn (+15) at Ole Miss (Noon, ESPN)
Pretty sure this will be Bryan Harsin’s last stand. And who doesn’t like watching a ded man walking?
Alabama (-7) at Tennessee (3:30, CBS)
Is this the Game of the Year? I suppose it depends on how close Nick Saban and Old Scratch can get Bryce Young to 75%. If he’s above 40%, he’ll fucking play. BUHLEE DAT.
BDSM State (+4) at TCU (3:30, ABC)
Don’t you hate it when all the interesting matchups are in the same window? Hippo sure does, especially when I have a Derby I have to watch, no matter how dreadful (see below).
NC State (+3.5) at SillyCuse (3:30, ACCN)
There will be no #ShameBet with Scotchy, as my Wolven Sort (and Donks WOO!!) provide Hippo with all his shame needs MOAR than adequately. These sides are a combined 10-1, but about as attractive as a syphilitic weiner. Thus, the “Star-Wipe Network” coverage.
Arkansas (-1.5) at Original Recipe Big Love (3:30, ESPN)
Kudos to both participants for their aggressive scheduling. Why on earth would this not be a night game, though?
Maybe it’s the orange uniforms talking, but Tennessee looked an awful lot like the Chicago Bears on that play.
Playing ‘The March of the Empire’ as Alabama marches down the field against you doesn’t seem like the best of ideas.
The Tennessee marching band is about accuracy, not hopium.
Night thread should be open. MOVE IT OR LOSE IT
It’s not up-if you don’t fix it soon I might have to fuck you up with my buttery muscles!
OK, even MOAR immediate! – UT huddle
Computer is listing the temperature as “sunset” – it might be having a stroke
Baby Tagovailoa just blew his knee out.
“Ok, so there’s these two brothers, ok. They both get the shit kicked out of them on the football field, like constantly, all the time. While still concussed they’re forced to play childhood games! I call it [traces an arc over his head with his hand] ‘TAG-YOU’RE IT!'”
-Showrunner, high on coke, oblivious to the fact that his idea will be stolen
“Love it.” – sleazy Hollywood producers RTD and DTZM
Oh noes, Ball So Hard University tripped up the Fightin’ Horatios at the end
I was out buying beer and BBQ and didn’t watch, but from what I understand from very unbiased UConn twitter the mean old refs stole it from us, and also our second half-offense was offensive only in theory, and then only to UConn.
SillyCuse qb over the line of scrimmage while passing because nothing is ever easy for any team I cheer for.*
*Man City excepted
Wait, what? That seemed obvious.
agreed, but meh. Y’all is significantly better than us.
“Tua has cleared all protocols, is still out because reasons.”
-R. Goodell
I’m a little teapot! – Tua T., Miami. FL
“My bairn rulstes wree whiitn aetcabclpe ltmiis.” – T. Tagovailoa, Miami, FL
“Igwe efere enwe na-acha odo odo na-afụ ụfụ n’ụbụrụ!”
— Tua T., FL
I’m beginning to think that the N.C. State False Starters are making all their dreams come true.
ahem…it’s NC State False Starters, lose them periods
You know who else is a fan of no periods? Matt Gaetz, that’s who.
Me neither, grumble grumble (from other end of spectrum)
I’d like to officially announce that I’m no longer a Duke’s mayonnaise commercial virgin.
And Hippo saw a “Hochul for Gov.” ad, welcome to Star-Wipe Network coverage!
Wow. Uh, I hope you two had a nice time together and it treated you respectfully.
My pleasure!
Duke’s is gross.
Wow, I want whatever Bryce Young is on.
He’s on so much painkillers, he feels nothing. Its almost like playing on a VR headset; you visually see the action, you audibly hear the action, but the other three senses don’t sync up.
Game Recognize Game, yo
Did y’all like that quickie tour of the Confederate Navy?
OK, let’s just go back to our “near-immediate TD” offensive package – Tennessee huddle
This review is the dumbest + longest outlier ever. Like, well off the top right of the chart.
Roll Damn Tide maybe Not Quite Damn Ded
“Devin Leary is out due to a torn pec-critics say that he’s just imitating former NC State QB, Bill Hicks.”
Only in the SEC – nobody in the stadium can count to “4”
They proposed changing to letters (a,b,c,d) a few years ago but Lea Michele threatened to blow up SEC headquarters if they did.
They really should have called her bluff, it’s not like she would have been able to know which building to target.
Or how to assemble anything.
Refs tried to give them 5th down. Saban says noooooooo!
Not that I want to see Arkansas win, it’s more like I want to see Team Sister Wives lose.
Adios, Barves.
if only there was a repetitive chant one could do to celebrate this…
Let’s hope we get to say the same about the Dogders.
How many times do they have to look at this? I fucking hate Alabama and even I can see that it was clearly leading with the helmet.
You can NOT overthrow your receiver on fourth down.
Watch and learn, rookie
— Half of the NFL QBs
/wifey and her sister are doing The Multiple Option Roulette game regarding watching wifey’s nephew, who is playing hockey this evening. Shall we run them down?
1.) wife drives nephew to arena, sister cooks supper for the other kids
2.) sister drives son to arena
3.) sister’s husband drives son to arena
4.) wife cooks supper for other niece and nephew
5.) sister calls her mother to see if she’s free to drive her grandson to arena
6.) Sister: “Maybe we should get takeout for the kids so I don’t have to cook?”
7.) Wifey: “The only place open is that Indian restaurant-niece doesn’t like Indian.”
8.) Sister: “Right, right.”
9.) Sister: “Mom called back-she’s busy.”
10.) Wifey: “I’ll bring your kids to arena.”
11.) Sister: “Are you sure? But I’d really like to see my son play his first game of the year right from the start.”
12.) Wifey: [calls me] Can you, um, drive sister and nephew to arena, come back to sister’s house, help me with supper, and then drive me and the niece and nephew to the arena?
13.) Me: “As I’ve said many, many times before-leave me out of this bullshit.”
14.) Wifey: [will not talk to me until at least noon tomorrow]
Not the Penthouse letter I was expecting.
I eventually ended up banging my brother-in-law in a shed at the far end of their property, if that makes you happy.
I suck.
It’s a damn good thing I’m not God. I’d be smiting people left and right, all day long. Maybe it’s a bad thing I’m not God, there are plenty of motherfuckers who could use a good smiting.
Really pisses me off that they are mentioning the Asterisks won the 2017 World Series without a gigantic “CHEATERS” stamp across the screen.
A whole team of worthless assholes.
GO NERS!
SillyCuse are a bunch of false-starting son’s of bitches.
Hah! The Wolven are also false-starting son’s of bitches!
MILLIMETERS from a JV Orlovsky!
JMU up 7-0!
Everyone (wife, dog, cat) is dozing except for me, and there’s sports on for the next ten hours. I presume that I died and have arrived in heaven. I guess God really *isn’t* omnipotent because if he knew about the time I…ha ha, nice try, purgatory. I’ll go ahead and wait this one out.
Tell wifey that you bought a Roomba while she was napping. If still alive, report back to the clubhouse with her reaction.
We already have two Roombas.
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
(the roombas, not you & your wife of course)
yeah, give ’em both some PCP, see what happens
Hey, Phoebe and Monica* need a third Roomba in their lives.
*I’m just going to assume you guys name your Roombas the same way you name your pets.
One is named Robert and the other is named Rosie.
The Bruce and The Riveter need to have a baby.
play some Marvin Gaye and see what happens
Of course you do.
If he’s not the major shareholder…
Also they are set to run literally every single day.
If I had one, it would be smearing yakked up furballs all over the house. Henry is a compulsive self-groomer. If I let them dry up and dessicate, they can be lifted up without too much mess, but if they are fresh…oy vey. No Roomba for me.
That’s one of the upsides to Lily sleeping in the garage and spending as much time as she does on the patio – rarely does she hack up a hairball inside the house.
Henry sleeps on me, and spends most of his time on me. He is a needy boy, but I love him!
SillyCuse crushing the hopes and dreams of Hippo, 7-0.
one cannot kill what is already ded
Oh c’mon, I know you want them to play in the Astro Bluebonnet Bowl.
Psssshhhhaw, they always end up in the CLT bowl. Or nowhere.
Folks, it’s a beautiful day here in CT, perfect for going outside and raking all the colorful leaves that fell over the past week.
So I’m getting the hell out of here and driving to Treehouse to pick up all the beer I ordered, maybe drink some there, and then grab the best BBQ in New England for later.
You all be good, and if you can manage not to get taken down by the Staties outside my house before I get back, maybe I’ll share.
How To Kill An RB 101:
The Illini’s(?) Chase Brown has rushed 41(!) times today. He’s going to feel like I do every day, trying to get out of bed tomorrow.
[raises hand]
Excuse me, Professor Scotchnaut? Does “RB” stand for something else, like “railroad bindler”? Worried I might be in the wrong class.
A more classic look for our lesser footy cleavage uhh I mean coverage tonight.
still gives me a semi, but a CLASSY semi
Atalanta can dream about them titties…
UConn? MOAR LIEK You Can!
Wolven Sort quartered back is out for the season (torn pectoral, fucking ouch). The backup led us to a comeback win over FSU last week.
He was 0-1 passing, in 23 minutes of game action.
The Ole Miss Rebels are wearing colors inspired by the Stars and Stripes. Revisionist History or Idiocy?
while their mascot is literally a thumbs-up to secession
I have always wondered why people are so opposed so secession.
I mean, what’s the big problem with Mississippi leaving? We’re really going to miss their 50th ranked education system?
Artists rendering of the average Mississippi native:
Alabama state motto – Thank God for Mississippi
True.
Just remember: we fought a Civil War to keep these states in the Union. Getting rid of slavery was the reason, but keeping the states was the price.
The price was-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_asNhzXq72w&ab_channel=GamingSoundFX
There are currently three State Police troopers arresting a fat guy with no shirt that they look to have tackled in the field across from my house. Dude appears to be drunk.
Which one of you assholes was trying to find my house and didn’t call ahead?
You sure it isn’t the coach of the football Huskies? You have been a bit hard on him this year.
That man is 3-4 and currently tied with the mighty…Cardinals? Some kind of red songbird anyway…of Ball State.
He could be our next governor at this rate.
Gumby was offered a full ride football scholarship to Ball State.
He’s only 3 foot 4? Things are looking up for the Huskies!