Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 17 (the Penultimate), 2022 Season

Far be it from me to curse things while not every NYE hangover is yet even lifted…what am I saying, that is EXACTLY on brand for me.  Everything is totally fucking fucked.  Eat a dick, 2023.

We won’t speak any details of the Black Panthers cowardly surrender to The Man.  Conduct unbefitting, to the extreme.

Hold that SEPA Wal-Mart jorts order – Minshew Mania has bitten the dust.  N’Awlins had the ball basically the entire Q1, somehow the Iggles’ D did NOT wilt, holding onto 13-nil halftime hole.  Philly would manage only a 56-yard FG and a busted coverage deep ball TD strike, before shooting themselves fatally in the dick, on a late pick 6.  20-10, road Saints.  YES, that means the #1 seed could sickeningly lack any gender identity.  Welcome to NOBUMMER’s America smgdh.

What about the 3-loss Vikings, you say?  Make that 4 losses, as they no-showed in a 41-17 humiliating loss in Green Bay.  Oh Jeebus, you can hear the narrative rumble.

Shit, even the Tomsulas looked in line to follow their fellow Division leader-types into the gutter, but Purdy Mouth and Palz came back to beat the…Jarrett Stidham Raiders?? – 37-34, in Extra Time.  I didn’t watch any of the late games, because I was angry.  But Stidham appararently went off – 365, 10.7 YPS, 3 scores.  Fucking wow.  Extend his contract, Guilty Remnant Mark Davis!

Christ, even the P*ts somehow remain alive/in control of their destiny, 23-21 home winners over the “I fucked Ted” LOLfins.  Poor Teddy Ballgame, his body just can’t handle this gladiator sport.  Throws a brutal pick 6, hurts himself trying in vain to tackle the returner at the 2.  Hey, maybe that Miami #1 pick that Denver gets will be reasonably mid-range?

Yeah, Denver played.  Yeah, they lost again.  27-24 away to the Chefs, at least we kept it almost interesting for most of the day.  Poor, ded Charmslinger.

Sherman’s Ashes beat the Qards at the death, 20-19.  Nobody fucking cares.

I guess at least Detroit won?  They get the Narrative Packers next weekend, each at 8-8.  Poor Strawberry Fields took YET ANOTHER senseless, pointless beating.  After an early 7-zip Bearistocrats! lead, DET closed on a 41-3 run.  OOF.  Playoffs are still possible.

But not goddamned likely, because the stupid SeaTruthers beat the collapsing Jets, 23-6.  Mike White ain’t Superman, after all.

Clippers du Merde claim the Battle for Los Angeles, 31-10.  Not that any Angelinos give two shits about them.  BLECH.

Pretty sure the Redacteds are eliminated, after a sad-even-by-Dakota-Jeebus-standards performance, losing 24-10 AT HOME to #ThePauls.  Proving again, there is just no fixing stupid.  Stupid is a limiting reagent, teach your children well.

Jersey A will make the playoffs, clinching the 6th seed (I think) with a resounding 38-10 beatdown of the Fat Humps.  Good on y’all, Vertically Enhanced Persons!

Today’s game meant as little to the Jaguras’ playoff situation as it did to the 500s.  No matter, Duval’s Finest boat raced to a 31-3 win anyway.  Enjoy that 1st overall pick, whoever replaces the stoic Hobo Lovie Smith.

As you likely – and correctly – surmised by now, I will not stay up for Yinzers/Ratbirds.  SNF has its own thread, toggle back and look at that if you will.

I do look forward to discussing the flexed Week 18 schedule in the morning.  We always come back for more, eh?

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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scotchnaut

Penn State/Utah-abusing 12 year-old boys vs. abusing 12 year old brides. Who Ya Got?

Gumbygirl

One abuser vs. an entire culture of abusers. Go Pedos! And I’m not just saying that cuz I’m from PA and SIL is an alumna.

Don T

I endorse this for banner. This is the best joke in 2023–so far.

scotchnaut

2 wins to 12 for Tulane coach? He’s gonna get paid.

scotchnaut

Thanks for the link-that was very instructive. Had no idea about his background.

WCS

USC just blew a 15-point lead in four minutes.

SonOfSpam

STILL erect.

Gumbygirl

You love to see it!

scotchnaut

The Trojans will send Rice for the home run ball-there’s no other play.

scotchnaut

So glad I didn’t turn the channel to Judge Judy.*

*Kidding!

Mr. Ayo

Whatcha you gonna do, when the Green Wave rolls over you?

scotchnaut

That is a catch.

Downfield Matriculator

Yes it is!

Downfield Matriculator

Ouch — should be targeting also. What an ending either way

scotchnaut

Helmet to helmet ain’t looking too good.

Downfield Matriculator

Tulane picks up a safety, so now down 6 and getting the ball with 4 minutes left!

scotchnaut

Look at you Tulane.

WCS

SAFETYCAKES ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED

WCS

Plantaincakes achievement unlocked?

blaxabbath

Everyone wants to kill the Capital One guy, right?

Redshirt

Only if the AT&T girl commands me to.

Redshirt

Rumors are that Cincinnati is trying to get a Chili Bowl in TQL Stadium. No word on if the winning coach will be dunked with Cincinnati chili or if it is the losing coach.

scotchnaut

The trophy should be modeled after a public bathroom toilet.

Announcer: “You’ve just won the Chili Bowl-where are you going?”

Winning QB: “TO A BUS STATION MEN’S ROOM!”

scotchnaut

Not inviting Wisconsin to play in the Cheez-It Bowl seems like a slap in the jowl-ful face of its citizens.

blaxabbath

All those cheese-flavor chemicals being heisted in from CHINA are taking American Dairy Jobs!

blaxabbath

ILLINOIS WITH ALL THAT STUMBLIN’ AND BUMBLIN’ AND WOOOP!

blaxabbath

No offense, Navy Federal Credit Union, but I expect a guy in the Navy to win a footrace against some local clowns. Why the hell is this dude even looking so exhausted at the finish? At the moment of victory is where you show as little fatigue as possible. Kill a bitch.

Whole country gone soft.

Gumbygirl

No running in submarines!

WCS

NAWT FACKIN FAHHHH

Doktor Zymm

Minshew or nae, yesterday was a pretty awful showing for the Iggles. If they’re so unmotivated or so overconfident or so actually crap as to let any team from the NFC South beat them, that does NAWT bode well for their ability to get back on track in the playoffs.

No matter who gets the #1 seed, it’s looking like the wild card round is going to be a disgusting mess of teams all trying to have the most spectacular playoff exit

WCS

HAIL CHAOS

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blaxabbath

It’ll be more interesting than chalk.

blaxabbath

I like when teams have names like Green Wave. Where it’s like the whole, not the individuals of the group (read: Bears).

Also the boxing cartoon wave is an awesome mascot.

blaxabbath

How the hell is Tulane so good?

blaxabbath

I meant on the year. 11-2?

These guys just Pigskin Zags?

scotchnaut

Purdue felt that it was enough just to be invited to a bowl game.

blaxabbath

Think their alumni cares?

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WCS

O HAI GREEN WAVE

WCS

WINTAHH CLAHHSAHHK about to puck drop.

Gumbygirl

Digging the uni’s!

WCS

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Don T

QB Josh Dobbs will start for TEN. Tits losing means a much higher draft pick to perhaps, say… Draft a real QB.
Me? I want the Titans in the playoffs. Pzht. Easy. Yet, thank you 2023, for making me feel a brand new emotion: Pyrrhic optimism.

scotchnaut

Wait a sec-Brentford?

WCS

Heisman winner, USC quarterback, and inevitable NY Jets draft bust Caleb Williams just broke his throwing hand.

Horatio Cornblower

comment image/revision/latest?cb=20120229061749

AND THAT’S WHY YOU OPT OUT!!

blaxabbath

I’m not kidding. Boosters need to build these teams with just like professional college players. I don’t have the details beyond it but, at some price point, you need to be able to buy a kid to make his only focus winning in the NCAA.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…you need to be able to buy a kid…

“That’s what I keep saying!” – Brad Childress

ballsofsteelandfury

You really missed a HELLUVA game on Sunday night.

Gumbygirl

Beat the Brownies, Bills beat the Patriots, and something else I can’t remember.

WCS

Jets have to beat LOLfins.

Gumbygirl

Yeah, that’s it.

blaxabbath

Was really hoping for CAR to go on a run. Steve Wilks taking that dogshit deep would have been a timely example of what the team had before Kliff Kingsbury that they absolutely could not do shit with.

Instead, Wilks also sucks.

Last edited 1 year ago by blaxabbath
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS GUY BLAXABBATH I CALL HIM RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY BECAUSE HE WAS HOPING THAT CARR WOULD GO ON A RUN BUT HIS DISAPPOINTMENT WAS INEVITABLE.

Last edited 1 year ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
scotchnaut

The Cheez-It Citrus Bowl? I believe these end of the year football games have lost their way.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The only thing less appetizing I can think of would be the Colgate Citrus bowl.

Senor Weaselo

The Citrus Bowl, presented by “Got Milk?”

blaxabbath

Neosporin Citus Bowl

Senor Weaselo

That’s a game for next year, match the sponsor to the bowl game. Because remember when it was the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl? That shit made too much sense so no more.

Gumbygirl

Whatchu talkin’ about, Cheezits go with everything!

ArmedandHammered

Was unable to watch anything yesterday since I was spending time with the wife. She has been on a hair trigger for aggro lately due to work. The lawyer who is supposed to be her assistant is probably insane, insisting her Pennsylvania mob family is trying to kidnap her to bring her back into the family. And I am not talking Philly mob, but rural upstate PA mob.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Easy to catch up to them in those horse drawn buggies at least.

ArmedandHammered

Gotta be careful of the scythes attached to the wheel hubs.

WCS

Those chases get intense…

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WCS

rural upstate PA mob”

Doug Mastriano voters are very strange people.

ArmedandHammered

I get this image in my mind when she tells me about this, of a bunch of inbreeds I call the Pennsultuky Meth Mob, all in overalls and hoodies, no shirts.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

‘sup?

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Horatio Cornblower

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If this guy shows up just get the fuck out of the way and let him take her.

blaxabbath

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, I’m just a Caveman. I fell in some ice and later got thawed out by your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me. Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW and run off into the hills or whatever. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, did little demons get inside and type it? I don’t know. My primitive mind can’t grasp these concepts. But I must ask — what is hair trigger for aggro?

Don T

Eye contact + lisp

ArmedandHammered

Means she is like sweaty dynamite, the least little thing can set her off.

blaxabbath

Ask her if she’s gotten “it” out of her system yet.

Don T

I understand the cause for alarm ever since the Shakers encroached on the cabinets underground market.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Anybody else read this and praying it doesn’t give the new guy an aneurysm?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Uh, you mean ‘back injury’, right?” – NFL concussion spotters

blaxabbath

From Russia

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[Checks news]

SeaWorld: Two Helicopters Crash Into Each Other (four dead three critically injured)

Memphis rapper, Three 6 Mafia member Gangsta Boo dead at 43

Jeremy Renner critical but stable condition after snow plow accident

Ground crew worker killed after being “ingested” into plane engine at Montgomery, Alabama, airport

Jesus. 2023 sure is hitting the ground running.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, and then:

14 killed in attack on Mexican border prison

Anita Pointer of the Pointer Sisters dies at 74

ArmedandHammered

Death is just getting the work done early so he can coast the rest of the year.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, like the 2022 New York Jets!

Gumbygirl

The Gumby family holiday season!

Doktor Zymm

You need to stop checking the US news, other countries report a mix of positive and negative stuff rather than just pounding away at the negative. On any given day, 91% of the stuff reported in the US will be shitty and tragic, no matter how deep they have to dig and how many more important optimistic stories they have to pass up.
https://www.nber.org/papers/w28110

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[quietly folds bandana and puts it in the closet until next September]

In all honesty, I am pretty pleased with yesterday’s result. It’s only a single data point, but it showed that a quarterback who knows McDaniels’ system can play pretty damned well in it. It’s also nice to see that the team – the offense, at least – hasn’t given up on the head coach. So maybe next season isn’t quite so DOA as it seemed two months ago.

Also, there’s this:

Screenshot_20230102_070044_Yahoo Fantasy.jpg
Sharkbait

Davante fucked me. I need 45 points out of Allen and Diggs tonight to overtake my opponent.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s not impossible. But I’d much rather be in my situation than yours. I don’t think Buffalo’s defense and kicker will be combining for 40 points.

Last edited 1 year ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
2Pack

That’s a great wrap up Hippo. I will not get into the narrative, but I did mention back in November when GB was stinking up the place, that they may be better off sneaking in as 7th seed. Gotta get past the Lions who are playing tough first. I can’t watch that game… something, something… hope dying. I will watch us some Barbara… she’s back on this week.

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WCS

I trust Lea Michele trying to interpret Trent Green’s driving directions more than I trust SKOL in a road playoff game.

Apologies, yeah right

Last edited 1 year ago by WCS
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m not saying that the 12-4 Minnesota Vikings are frauds, I’m just saying that the 6-10 Raiders have a point differential that’s better by two full touchdowns (-5 vs. -19).

Horatio Cornblower

Oh, the 12-4 Vikings are absolutely frauds.

Sorry Yeah Right, but someone has to say it.

Don T

The only Win & In game is Tits @ JAX. The rest is a need-help trough. Just remember it was the NFL who gave DUUUVAAAAAL a short week for Saturday prime time and TEN a mini-bye.

Senor Weaselo

And yet they’ll give the QAaron NARRATIVE BOWL the Sunday night game because fuck you, that’s why.