Sweet mother of god, it’s Tuesday already. The never ending holiday of angry traffic and wet socks took place over what seemed like a 13 day week. Then the “new year” and my own birth anniversary a week later. There’s more birthdays next week and then the flower holiday and if that’s not enough it’s followed up with mother and father and uncle and Jimmy across the road days all spring. What a racket. That chicken and goat farm can’t materialize fast enough.
On a side note, take a look at this deer cushion I came across at a local stuffed sheet and bedsack outlet. Guess what the entire family is getting from me next Christmas?
Goddamn. I’m exhausted. But wait – there’s bowling! More bowling. Endless bowling, every stinking week there’s bowling. It’s some sort of time loop. One of those ones without cameras but with all the unseen murder and theft and horrible assaults. You know it happened. Only the cameras ignored it. And Bill. Bill never told a soul. He knows it when he remembers what used to look back at him from the lavatory mirror.
We had a week off from bowling last week. The week before I didn’t go. I was starting to like my Tuesdays.
Anyway, we’re onto what I sincerely hope is the stretch run. What I think is more likely is that we’re just getting into the second half of this poorly-written epic. Like one of those books about the trolls who deliver jewelry for 30,000 pages.
We’re in fifth place now, holding steady. Our gal had the top handicap game and the second-best scratch game when she had her turkey fest whatever week that was. Surely I described it already. I’m desperately hoping the other team pre-bowls this week so I can get home early and get some sorely needed sleep.
Son of a bitch, I’ve got nothing more to say on bowling until next week when tonight’s scintillating affair can be laid bare for all to see. Still, it’s really quite a delightful time for me. I’ve never been happier.
Other than this relentless slog of a bowling league. End it already! Euthanize Tuesday! Where is my MAID for bowling? Enjoy your individual nights and tune in for more wild and fast bowling action next week! I hope it’s better, too.
Fresno State tops the unbeaten New Mexico!
“Whatever.” – Derek Carr, upholding his vow to never feel joy
Sigh. It really bugs me that one of the expected consequences of a Bills player almost dying on the field is that the Chiefs will get a first round bye and homefield advantage throughout the playoffs.
My idea for dealing with the probability that they will never finish the Bills-Bengals game would be to figure out the win probability at the point the game was stopped, and then flip* a coin weighted to that probability. Then add that result to the existing standings.
*electronically, I guess?
Or just give KC home field advantage, like sweet baby Jesus intended.
Wife made soup for dinner. Good thing I am not hungry.
I’m invested in the bowling. Can we get a photo of the chairs at the alley? Bowling alley chairs are one of those stage objects that unlock the whole picture
I showed up late for bowling one evening (work sucks) and there was that vibe in the air, where everyone was still pissed about something I missed. It turned out my wife and Asshole Brother got there early and sat up at the tables, rather than down in the pit. The other team got there, and said something like, “We always sit up here, can you move down into the pit?” “Fuck no, get here earlier next time.” I guess it went downhill from there.
Not that Asshole Brother was wrong – IMO the pit generally kind of sucks, in the best of places. And this wasn’t the best of places.
I’m a pit liker. Very happy down there, makes me feel nostalgic and cool. Makes me want to smoke a cigarette and drink a cheap beer out of a paper cup I keep in my street shoe to keep it from falling over
I’ll endeavour to get a chair shot. They’re not great at this place. No benches, all high chairs and these tables with weird swivel in and out seats. I miss the grimier alley.
Let’s gooooooo. Can I get a pic of the pit too, I’m a pit liker
.
Love the support!
Well I have something more to say about bowling…
You like to wear women’s clothing that make you feel sexy?
No… not enough chrome and leather…
On a lighter note, Christian Eriksen, who fully recovered from his on-field cardiac arrest, was born in a town called Middelfart
I have bet on that very footed ball side!
Makes sense. If you fart out the left or the right, your buttcheeks may be a little malformed.
And upperfart vs lowerfart is just anatomically confusing
Well crap, let’s just make this more heartbreaking shall we? Damar has a 7 year-old little brother named Damir who was at the game
What happened to Damer? Is the next brother to be named Damor?
Went non-cis and insisted on Damyr
On the one hand, I think it’s great that the NFL cancelled the game because that guy got hurt. It truly showed humanity’s brighter side in a moment of tragedy.
On the other hand, it wasn’t the Kennedy assassination. He didn’t die, it was non football related, and he was only a sixth round pick. The other players were traumatized? Quitters, more like it. Give both teams an L. They didn’t cancel D-Day because a guy got shot.
God, your country desperately needs another assassination of another incredibly polarizing national figure. I nominate Stephen A. Smith. Can I see a show of hands?
Skip Bayless is right there!
I’ll look the other way if you want to do a “Two For One” Special.
With his first pick in the inaugural “sports commentators I’d like to see assassinated” draft Rikki-Tikki-Deadly has selected…
He’d then be a martyr with monument somewhere.
I’ve never once seen or read anything by Stephen A. Smith, Peter King, or Bill Simmons. I only know them from here and KSK.
It’s pretty obvious you don’t read.
/BANG! POW! ZINGO!
Bill Simmons bragged in text about how he pulled the goalie to impregnate his wife without her permission. Funny guy.
I wonder if HR managers ever say “most of y’all could stand to skip a few meals anyway” to soften the blow?
I was quite happy with the “throw money ghosting” method
Gumby got laid off by Ericsson years ago, in a ballroom. With security. I was in the hotel upstairs. He got hired back that day as a contractor, but many did not. It was ugly, and bizarre.
Laid off story – emails were sent out for two groups, one that was going to get laid off, and one that wasn’t. Groups were split pretty much down the middle, and it wasn’t real clear which was which (hint: if one meeting is at 10 and one is at 10:30, it’s the early one getting the axe, so they can shut off your shit before you find out and wreak havoc). So I’m fucking with my neighbor, good friend and POS practical joker, and I get there early and unhook his PC and hide it in my office. When he shows up, he was all, “What happened to my PC?” I dunno, but I did see the head of security carrying off a PC, was that yours? Joke was on me, though, because I was in the “pursuing other opportunities” group.
This Ericsson one was so fucking weird. Ingvar or whatever the fuck his name was fired almost the entire company on video, in this fucking Sheraton ballroom, and others around the country. They had basically just built the first nationwide cell system in the country, this was early 2000’s, so they had tons of employees. Gumby said he was like a Bond villain, a giant floating head on a huge screen.
That was about the time of the dot com burst. My wife worked for Solectron. She had a cubicle in a large warehouse that housed rows of people working 12 hour days before the bubble burst. She last through many rounds of layoffs, to a point where she finally nagged her boss to lay her off while they were still providing severance. When they called her into HR, she knew it was happening and couldn’t stop smiling. She really wanted that severance pay!
But fuck that company. They were dicks. She was right to get out.
Yeah. Gumby actually got a nice severance package that day, and hired as a contractor with pretty much the same money, just no longer an Ericsson employee, no benefits. He’s retired military so it didn’t really affect us, but it was bad for other people. Telecom is like that, you can move around from permanent employee to contractor and back again.This was our first experience with it, so it was unsettling.
I was in a layoff where they sent HR teams around the company to find the people and escort them to the commons area for their processing out. Like tables set up and check box termitions, proceed to table C for your paycheck and severance.
So I hid out in the data center room, and the death squads missed me and I managed to stay unfound all day.
Finally at 4:30 PM I figured lets go see if I lived, I head down to the common area and find the entire layoffs team has been kept there 2 extra hours because of my absence. I was the last one on their list. They were split on I’d just gone home or they needed to get the cops involved. (No security cameras in the data center room yet this was 20 years ago, plus it was a cheap, family owned business. They’d overhired a year before to support a big new product roll-out; now that this was canceled/ fail the writing on the wall had been obvious for weeks).
Table D was “grief counseling.” I declined.
Evening, dicksnots.
On a more serious note, I went to bed before seeing all this Hamlin stuff last night. Jesus Christ. What news to wake up to.
Bring me the head of Roger Goodell.
I must say, I’ve enjoyed years much better than 2023
The most frustrating thing for me has been seeing Goodell apologists insist that he’s a decent human being because the league’s response to this was only mildly ham-fisted, as opposed to full-on punch-your-wife-in-an-elevator level of ham-fisted.
Speaking of balls rolling down things, let’s talk about my throat. No, wait, that doesn’t sound right. Ah, what’s the worst that can happen? Not like anyone will notice, eh Rumpelstiltskin?
/lo fives dwarf
So I’m at the dentist today for my semi-annual cleaning. The hygienist is busy so the dentist does her thing first. She pokes around, gasps, then says, (and you have to do this with a significant Slavic accent to really get the full effect), “do people tell me you have bad breath?” To which I, who do not want to anger a woman who has two fingers of one hand on my tongue, (and not in a good way), and is holding a sharp metal hook in the other, do not say “has anyone told you your bedside manner sucks goat balls?”, but instead say “nough, na reewy” because it’s hard to form words when your tongue is being held by someone else and moved side-to-side while that person peers down your throat with a headlamp.
“You have cryptic tonsils!” she says, in a manner I can only describe as ominous wonder.
“Uh gots crptuh wha now?” I manage.
“Cryptic tonsils!”she replies, this time oddly delightedly. She then explain that tonsils have folds, or “crypts” in them, and that as we get older they get either bigger or just more prone to getting bacteria and food bits in them, which in turn can lead to sore throats, (don’t get them unless ill), and/or bad breath, (which my wife, who would not hesitate to say otherwise, says I do not have), (my mother said the same, as I took her to dinner after the dentist, and she was in fact very angry that anyone would even suggest that her little boy has breath that smells of anything other than roses and angel’s wings. I am 53 years old), and she then proceeds to use what I can only assume was a vacuum cleaner and a dental mirror to hold my tongue down and remove what I will admit were disturbingly large chunks of…something(s).
This was arguably worse than the cleaning, even if it didn’t involve having your gum lines scraped out with high pressure water. I am also pleased to announce that I have a surprisingly responsive gag reflex for someone who went to an all-boys Catholic high school.
I got home and checked the mirror and there is a surprisingly large hole in one of my tonsils. I just filled it with some chocolate ice cream.
Anyway people, apparently we should all be gargling more in order to prevent these build-ups.
This has been “Modern Dentistry With Horatio”, a feature that will never recur.
You should get those tonsils removed. They give you ice cream and popsicles!
No shit, she told me they wouldn’t remove them today and I thought to myself, “Yes, I know, because you are a dentist.”
She’s a very good dentist, too, but I think she gets really enthusiastic about these sorts of things.
My grandfather was a doctor. We all got ours out when we were 4 or so, except my younger brother.
They don’t do that anymore like they did when we were kids, when they’d cut them out if you had a sore throat. I was kind of at the end of that, so there were a few kids in elementary school that got the whole ice cream thing.
Congratulations on the gag reflex!
Can’t wait to hear stories about the next DFO get-together.
Very overt, for a cryptic tonsil account #JustSayin
Too bad they weren’t crypto tonsils you could have made an NFT of them and – CHING CHING CHING – cashed in.
Well, that was a fun stroll down google lane
Tonsilith. Kind of funky and gross.
Mennonites
Against
Ice
Dicks??
Hey how long is pumpkin pie good for in the freezer? Trying to see how much time I have after I wolfed that down.
I think it starts leaning evil after the 15 day mark. That sorcerer behind the dumpster at the Tim Hortons in Blind River has never steered me wrong.
That explains all the NUTMEG flavor
“Shut Up, NUTMEG!”
-P. Griffin
Shut Up AND Nut Meg will take you down a very dark wormhole
Aww, our cat this disappears two autumns ago was named Nutmeg.
We also called her Death Machine. Pretty sure the local rodents had her whacked.
Doesn’t the freezer make stuff good for up to 6 months or more if you are brave/drunk?
Yeah, won’t get bad, but might get freezer burnt.
To make that big prize money, the house with the $10K prize money that my wife and I bowled in ran 40-week leagues. This was from the end of August to sometime in May. Those definitely tended to drag. 16-week half-season is about right, unless you love love love bowling.
With a win tonight the Mighty Sens will draw even with the dirty*, godless Red Wings in the standings.
*Scuttlebutt has it that Dylan Larkin only bathes once every other week, and only after several other players have gone before him. I’m not even going to start in on the fact that the team only has one bathtub.
I think enquiring minds want to know:
Is anyone Jamaican you crazy?
Haha no, that was just a brief appetizer