Welcome one and all to one of the few traditions we all hold dear ’round these parts –

[DFO] “Hate Week”! 

An annual tradition like no other, where we look back on what drove us mad about the NFL this year, with a sideways glance towards what the year ahead might be.

I’m the co-inventor of Hate Week, Beerguyrob

and I’ve dropped back in this week to make part of my court-ordered contribution to the site. So like the uncle with a problem who comes to town once every so often,

I’ve returned once again to spread darkness across the land. I’ll be running the evening threads most of this week. Not Friday, though – that was, is, and forever shall be “sexy”.

I’ll also fill you in on some of the shenanigans I’ve been up to in my time away from the site. (Hint – boring shit)

Anyway, today’s topic is hopefully the last time we have to bring up this jagoff until his gold jacket election in 2028.

Oh look – it’s this prick’s annual visit to Hate Week. I figured I’d put him first just to get him out of the fucking way. Well, let’s see what brought him here this time:

Is it the diet?

Oh Lord, no. let’s not revisit the diet, or Alex Guerrero is going to show up and spike our clubhouse water with electrolytes.

His 9-8 record, which includes a win thanks to the most magnificent roughing the passer call ever invented?

This call was so bad that the League should apologize to Dez Bryant for Green Bay 2015.

But, no.

Of course, there’s the topic of his divorce – the result of him needing to come back and finish 9-8.

Because who wants to stay married to a Brazilian supermodel,

^{These were taken four days ago.}

when you could move on to a 21st century model that has all the upgrades & comforts that a middle-aged man is looking for…

Oh God – let’s not forget the crypto! The investment he roped both his ex-wife and ex-owner into may end up costing him upwards of $20 million.

Here’s a fun fact – that Blockchain partnership he was advertising?

That long term deal lasted about eight months. Why, the next big thing he pimps I’m going to short like Tesla, because the bad news will pay me big dividends. And that’s not counting the private lawsuits and allegations of securities fraud for promoting a now-bankrupt financial instrument.

Then there’s the fans. New England might never recover from the loss, and lapsed Celtic fans don’t have any reason to head down to Sully’s for a Sam Adam’s until the Red Sox take the field. And all that merch? Wasted money! This example was spotted in the wild by a random Ape:

Good thing Tom Brady retired so this lady doesn’t have to update her vanity plate again pic.twitter.com/f7ATEQb3Qn

— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) February 4, 2023

I know the whole business of fandom is that you either like the player or the laundry. But there’s owning a jersey and then paying good money year after year to be part of something that will never love you back. There’s no way this person could ever be so humble as to go back to SKE-580 or some such licence plate combination that she’s convinced was fabricated by someone doing 15-to-life. Mind you, I bet the old woman that drives that car believes that this

is a documentary.

This is what he is giving up – unwavering loyalty from people he would cast aside for ten bucks more. So when he was asked about his future plans by his broadcast “colleague” Jim Grey, Brady’s response was less than collegial: (transcript courtesy si.com)

“Tom, you’re leaving everybody guessing,” said Gray. “You said you’ll take your time. Do you have any type of a timetable as to what you might want to do regarding your football career?”

“Jim, if I knew what I was gonna f—ing do, I’d already [have] f—ing done it,” answered Brady. “I’m taking it a day at a time.”

So now we get to spend from today until the Draft guessing where His Majesty might deign appear next sporting season. (I had a whole Brett Favre, ‘perennial retirement’ rant all worked up, but that’s currently the purview of the whiny bitch that replaced him, who appears to be going to the Jets.)

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd right on time, here we fucking go:

He hadn’t even signed autographs on the memorabilia to sell to recoup his losses, and already the rumours are swirling around that this noodle-armed glory hog wants another kick at another team’s can.

No no, I need something more. Something that will transform my internet vitriol into actual, physical hatred…

There we go.

LATE EDIT: 

Well whaddya know, the motherfucker brought it all to a close:

Truly grateful on this day. Thank you 🙏🏻❤️ pic.twitter.com/j2s2sezvSS

— Tom Brady (@TomBrady) February 1, 2023

I mean, it’s not like he couldn’t have bothered showing up to the Pro Bowl one last time. Methinks he timed this news so he didn’t have to go because ‘he’s out of the game now’. Also, as Forbes put it, “Brady’s current best options — the Buccaneers, Las Vegas Raiders and Tennessee Titans — won’t be Super Bowl contenders even with the seven-time Super Bowl champion on their rosters.”

Be that as it may, we’ve all been through this dance before with him and others. (As a Packers fan, I’ve lived through the 12 Favre retirements and am currently ignoring this third Rodgers one.) None of us believes this is real until the season starts and he’s on another continent – clearly, not South America anymore – and he’s not in a uniform. As friend of the site DrawPlayDave rightfully points out, there is only one real way to make sure he stays retired:

But if he is truly done, then the NFL reporting narrative switches to another drama queen. One who has been down this road before, sewing fear, hate & mistrust along the way…

Aww fuck.

Tonight’s sports:

• NFL:
  • Super Bowl “Opening Night” – 8:00pm | ESPN, TSN2
    • it’s “Media Day” rebranded for the post-COVID era
      • here’s a primer from FOX Sports
• NHL: note – all games are regional broadcasts
  • Flames at Rangers – 7:30pm | MSG, Sportsnet (West & East)
  • Canucks at Devils – 7:30pm | MSGSN, Sportsnet (Pacific & Ontario)
• NBA:
  • Celtics at Pistons – 7:00pm | Sportsnet1
  • Clippers at Nets – 7:30pm | NBATV, TSN1
  • Bucks at Trail Blazers – 10:30pm | NBATV, TSN1

Please contribute your hate below, and welcome back to the miserableness of the buildup to the Big Game!™®©

LATE, LATE EDIT:

What. In the actual. Fuck?!

https://twitter.com/TomBrady/status/1622608355972849667

This divorced-dad energy is off the scale. I just fucking can’t right now. Begone, old man!