Remember how I won my very first golf tournament and broke 100 on the same day?
Well, I just finished my second tournament and let’s just say there was no repeat.
Not only that, I scored the worst I have scored in a VERY long time: 122!
Let’s start at the beginning. It had been raining throughout the week and I honestly didn’t think the tournament would be held at all. As Friday night rolled around (the tourney was on Saturday) I was expecting an email telling us whether we were a go or not. To my chagrin, the email said, “GO”.
The tournament was another “full flight” tournament, which means that all the competitors were split into different “flights” or categories of player based on their handicap. Since there were a lot more players than last time, I was placed in the “D Flight” which I’m assuming corresponded to the players with the biggest dicks. Or widest.
On the day of the tourney, I again arrived an hour early to warm up properly. On the range, I was hitting everything perfectly. Right down the middle and long. I took it as a bad sign.
I was paired up with one of the gentlemen I had played with last time and that made me happy because he was a really cool dude and very kind to me. We ended up riding in the cart together.
The ground was damp, but not overly and it was cold. It drizzled from time to time when we were out on the course.
For this particular tournament, they had a special rule where you could lower your worst three holes down to pars. The only thing was you had to split them up between the Front Nine and the Back Nine. I thought this would play into my game as I had been pretty consistent and only had one or two disaster holes. I figured if I played like that, I would score well.
What I didn’t count on was that I would have multiple disaster holes.
I actually got an 11 on one hole. I shit you not.
I did not keep the score card as it was a round to forget, but I did have a wonderful time with my new friend. We supported each other and kept each other positive. He wasn’t having a great day either even though he was vastly superior to me.
After the round, we went to the bar and had some food together. The next event is a two-team scramble and I hope I get paired with him. I don’t that will happen, though, as he is a way better player than me.
PROS
It looks like I’ve made a new friend.
I got a gift card with my winnings from the first tournament.
They make a damn fine burrito!
CONS
I was cold, wet, and played miserably.
I lost a ball in the fairway rough after hitting it twenty yards directly in front of me. No one could find it. It was that kind of day.
OVERALL RATING:
I made silly mistakes which can be fixed. As much as the last tourney was a combination of everything going right, this was a combination of everything going wrong.
It won’t be like that all the time. I look forward to getting out there again and playing better.
See you next time.
[…] Last week, I told you about how cold, wet, and miserable I was in playing my worst round in a long time. That was a club tournament, so I HAD to play. If I’m just looking to play for fun when it rains, I’m staying in bed and looking up Pornhub on my phone. […]
[…] going to jail! Now you have a tale to explain over several weeks in the comments section of future Balls Magazine […]
Cat be like ” you got a warrant, pig?”
“This is a nice treat; they don’t make much cat food out of pork products.”
My father’s concerned that Trump’s upcoming arrest, (any day now! no, this time we’re serious!), is going to result in civil war, and I don’t think my reply that “Well the world needs more Ashley Babbitts” is helping his state of mind.
Maybe this time we won’t fuck up reconstruction!
By GAWD that’s Zombie General Sherman’s music!
General Philip Sheridan was the real destroyer of all things, much more than Sherman.
The CSA didn’t even get an entry in that JEW WORLD ORDER baseball thingamabob smh
It’s not. For one thing, they don’t have a specific date/place they can coalesce around. For another, the mouth-breathing idiots actually took note of the fact that Trump did *nothing* to help the 1/6 defendants. They won’t put their asses on the line for him again, not in that way.
The other thing is that THE AUTHORATAHS! realize that the Trumpers made them look bad on 1/6 and they’ll be out to crack heads if something happens this time. They may have voted for Trump as well, but you do not make cops look bad and expect them to forgive and forget the next time you come traipsing down the walk.
Let’s hope
“The Night I Won the Super Bowl” OR “The Most Boastful Story Ever Told at DFO” (Part 6):
Let’s see, where was I? Oh, right, it was fall of 2021, I’d split up with S____, moved into the loft at Fort Awesome, was dating D______ (from work) and G______ (from the internet) at the same time, and they knew about each other. Other signs that the world was ending included a massive terrorist attack in New York City that claimed almost 3,000 lives, and the Raiders starting their season at 6-1.
As I mentioned, D_____ lived out on Coronado island, which was a pretty decent trek from where I was living. That meant our time together was structured activities on weekends. G____ lived in the same neighborhood, so we could be a lot more casual and spontaneous about things. Which is why it was a bit surprising to me that after I’d spent one night with D_____ and the following night with G____, I got a call from S_____, who lived further away than either of them, all the way up in Mira Costa. She was nearby, and wanted to stop by.
There’s an Elmore Leonard book called “Stick” where the protagonist has the opportunity to bed three women in a single night. This didn’t happen to me. But when I got the call from S_____, I realized that maybe, just maybe, it could happen for me over the course of 48 hours.
I don’t know where S_____ got it in her head that she wanted to throw in “one for the road”, as the expression goes. But apparently she had, because on that Monday night, after I’d spent Saturday night in Coronado with D_____ and a candlelit Sunday evening at G_____’s apartment, S_____ turned up at the front door of the Fort, said a shockingly abbreviated hello to my roommates, and led me up to the loft.
“So,” she said, hands on her hips, gazing out the wall of windows in the loft at the lights of San Diego reflecting off Mission Bay, “how do you want to do this?”
To be clear, that was not the night I won the Super Bowl. That comes later, and involves a golf course drink cart girl. But this explains how I built up the confidence to play my best in the big game.
Next up: the ferry to Morganville!
“And that’s how I wound up selling Amway! The end.”
Fun fact: the father of the guy who owned Fort Awesome pitched us on an Amway variation. It was depressing to witness.
fall of 2021?
Need to talk with DJ3000 about fixing the timeline.
10 PRINT %YEAR%
20 GOTO 10
D’oh. 2001, obviously.
“11 in one hole? A decent start, I guess.” – Houston
“Pft. Amateurs.”
-J. Stalin
Hey, I told you to quit after the tournament you won.
Just the sophomore slump Buddy. Let’s get back out on the driving range with Paige.
“Bet that made his putter stand up!”
— J. Carson
(speaking of feeling dirty, that’s a em-dash. Big fun on the command line.)
Hey Balls!
I wanted to take a moment to express my sincere congratulations on your latest blog post! I was impressed by the quality of your writing about golf and the way you communicated your ideas with clarity and passion.
Your post was insightful, informative, and engaging, and I found myself completely engrossed in your content about golf from start to finish. You have a true talent for storytelling and your ability to connect with your audience is truly impressive.
I appreciate the time and effort you put into crafting such a wonderful piece about golf and I look forward to reading more of your work about golf in the future. Keep up the great work!
I’ve been goofing around in ChatGPT (see above) but seriously this thing is crazy deep when I use it for work stuff.
-ChatGTP
ChatGTP would have fixed that typo for me.
edit: I had it right! it’s ChatGPT!
Balls – from your description of Flight D, congratulations on your very wide penis. Perhaps the width of your member has been covered previously, so I apologize if this is redundant.
One downside to playing college football is seeing 100+ penises per day in a locker room. I am solidly average. But if you ever see Roscoe (Cornell ‘01) that dude is PACKING.
Not to contest your knowledge of Big Red history but….
Andy Bernard and Brocolli Rob were Cornell penises that I did not see. Alas, I am ignorant to each of their penile girths.
Wouldn’t it be the ones whose dicks could displace the most mL of water?
Next time I will make sure to have beakers handy for measuring penile girth via dunking.
This is an 88mL of fury callback
My brother did poorly in his weekend tourney as well. Libstorms been rolling in dropping all that CA precipitation/sidewalk syringes all over our World Famous hole. But if you can only perform in ideal conditions….
I am sitting on my porch now as the rain continues to fall [like Brandon getting on AF1] and I’m 85% sure in not going in today and will have a fire. Might even pass on the gym now that I know RTD’s shoulder is crap.
Living out west really makes me appreciate that i got to fight my war in the desert and not Vietnam or Siberia.
I believe the politically correct term is “wokestorms”.
Big Bear this morning. Loki has never seen snow before.
Pfff… when I want a new friend I just create a new account on DFO and pose as some version of a Gumby woman.
Just get one of Boris’ accounts
Saddle up, Pokey, we’re heading to Arizona (or Nevada, not entirely sure where Blax is) to whoop some ass!
Dammit, Balls! What about sexy beer cart girls? WHERE ARE YOUR PRIORITIES?
Sadly, nowhere to be seen….