Well shit.
We’ve hit The Doldrums of summer sports early this year. We are in extremis, and our only choice is to eat the men.
“But wait, we’re in the middle of the playoffs for hockey and basketball!” I hear you bleat, like the pitiful sheeple you are.
Yes, technically there are a bunch of “games” which are still “happening,” but I live in a world where only the sporting endeavors I care about are worthy of mention in these august pages. It’s a Mayhem-centric Universe in this column, and right now that sun is being orbited by celestial bodies of shit.
1. The Sabres haven’t played in almost a month, and Karma still hasn’t balanced the scales for the NHL fucking them out of a better chance for Connor McDavid. Instead, the fucking Blackhawks, who covered up sexual assault for more than a decade and openly tanked, managed to get New Connor (Bedard). Also, watching McDavid and Jack Eichel play each other in meaningful post-season hockey makes me sad.
2. The Bulls were sub-.500, got into the abomination that is the play-in tournament, where they killed Canada’s Hope and then pulled up lame in Miami. They were not good. And I don’t understand the play-in games from anything other than a cynical-money-grab standpoint. I watched the play in tournament in previous years, back when it was called “the regular season.” Now get off my lawn, it’s time for Matlock.
3. Tottenham…JFC, Tottenham. Just… GAAAAAAH. This must be what being an Angels fan feels like- gobs of money, two generational talents in Kane and Son, no significant reason for the Universe to punish them, and yet…they keep tripping over their own dicks and then stomping on them for good measure. It’s bad enough that Arse is actually good this year. FUYS.
4. the most glorious beisbol cardinals continue to suck out loud in the most embarrassing ways possible (non-Mets division). Like, I get it: the fans here are utterly fucking spoiled. They’ve had five (5) losing seasons in the past 32. They don’t understand losing gracefully because they’ve never had to. Being born in a minor league town and coming of age watching the Cubs and Sox, I savor every boring, routine over-.500 season. The team is hard to watch, but the #bfib are fucking repulsive at this point.
5. McLaren F1: Like Tottenham, only without hope. Lando and Oscar are cool, please give them non-shitbox cars. Also: “papaya” as a color scheme is fucking stupid. Please choose a less obnoxious color scheme until you are good enough to merit watching.
ACTUAL NEWS:
-Former Louisville mens basketball coach Denny Crum died. I don’t know much about him other than Bob Knight, Roy Williams and Jim Boeheim are still alive, which makes this a tragedy that I feel on a deep personal level.
-As I write this, Real Madrid and Man Shitty are tied 1-1 in the UEFA Champions League semi-final. I hope they both break legs and have to forfeit. The other semi-final is apparently Milan versus Inter…Milan. Which I guess makes that an Intra-Milan series? Whatever, all I know is that you never bet on Italian futbol unless you know who is trying to fix the match which way.
-Trade Giannis to Chicago, you cowards!
-Three out of the four Lions suspended for gambling have now been cut, with wideout Stanley Berryhill (one of the six-game suspendees since he apparently gambled on NFL property instead of NFL games) being released today. Really, all I can think of here is that if I looked up “Stanley Berryhill” on Wikipedia, the first result would probably be Brigadier Sir Stanley Berryhill-Sniggler, CBE DSO OPP, who won fame for his gallantry in the Crimean War by charging his unit of 2000 young men into Balaklava Bay with bayonets fixed and no survivors.
-Jim Irsay has fired (another) shot across Danny Snyder’s bow, this time in response to reports that prior to trading for the carcass of Carson Wentz in 2022, the Washington Commanders phoned up Andrew Luck to see if he would come out of retirement for them. Luck, as you may remember, retired abruptly before the 2019 season when his Stanford-educated brain realized that it (and the rest of his organs) didn’t need to continue getting crushed into a fine spreadable paté in order to be financially secure for the rest of his life. However, Luck’s contractual rights continue to be held by Indianapolis- he retired with three seasons left on his deal, and if he came back, that deal would resume. While I have no real affection for the old failson ruling his broken Empire of Cholesterol from a Throne of Drugs, I am amused that Washington may have managed to shoot its collective dick off one last time for such a far-fetched and ridiculous desperation play.
WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:
Hurricanes vs. Devils (6:00 pm Central on ESPN): The clash of two teams that shouldn’t exist. Hockey has no place below DC, and stealing the Whale was a fucking crime. On the other hand, we could nuke New Jersey tomorrow and it would be a net benefit to humanity.
Stars vs. Kraken (8:30 pm Central on ESPN): Dallas can jump up its own ass and die in a quantum singularity of self-obsession, unnecessary pickup trucks and shitty food. Bring back the North Stars. I have no beef with the Kraken other than it feels like the plural of “kraken” should be something else.
76ers vs. Celtics (6:30 pm Central on TNT): What if we took the worst fanbases in the country (non-New York division), made them root for intensely unlikeable teams, and then guaranteed one of them would be inflicted on the conference finals?
Nuggets vs. Suns (9:00 pm Central on TNT): If America has a sweaty, stinky armpit, it is Arizona, and nothing good should ever happen to it. I want to like the Nuggets, but 1. they are (really) owned by Stan Fucking Kroenke, and 2. Rudy Gobert caused COVID. I know he’s no longer on the team, but he stands as a symbol of all the idiot mask-denier fuckheads who helped spread the first wave and made it an ideological issue instead of a public health one.
St. Louis Cardinals vs. Chicago Cubs (6:40 pm Central Time): Yes, the cardinals stink. But still, fuck dem Cubbies.
Ice Hawks caught a YUGE break with that icing.
I thought Buffalo was America’s armpit
Stinky, swampy, and sweaty? That’s New Jersey.
Isn’t that the taint
That’s the entire Gulf Coast, New Orleans is the balls.
Seems as though Ice Hawks dopped a kraken in the punch bowl tonight.
I am straight up not having a good time
I can’t believe that CNN is going ahead with their town hall featuring a sex predator. I’d watch my cat lick her anus for six hours before I tuned in for a single second of that.
The hope is 45 is confronted about today’s verdict. Which used to be journalism, bit now works for eyeballz viral advertising
The Roundball Chicken Pieces are beating up on the Flaming Gas Balls early in Arizona.
“Flaming Gas Balls” sounds like a toy that would be found in Buddy’s collection.
Sounds like me after too much Taco Bell
I have learned to keep the lighters away after I eat Taco Bell, to avoid combustion.
Stop triggering the dwarf’s PTSD.
And to think, it’s an Arizona thing…
Actually, not a surprise that this is the case in AZ.
For RTD:
https://www.cnet.com/home/kitchen-and-household/theres-a-right-way-to-vacuum-your-home-and-it-isnt-the-back-and-forth-method/
Turns out my mom has been right all along.
Bullshit. The “right way” is to pay someone else to do it.
Raising some great questions
The hairnet also raises questions
Protocol, full, proper PPE. She does look all bidnezz there, gotta give her that.
Dedicated to the free sample game.
I didn’t know Costco was in Germany, too.
According to the label on this bottle, the Lemon Drop was invented in SF. Today is also the anniversary of topless dancing in SF overcoming an attempted ban in the 60s. Seems like the place was a lot more fun 50 or 60 years ago, it’s kind of a crap place to drink or engage in nightlife nowadays
“Too many fa…”
We’ve just cut off Bob Huggins’s mic; let’s see if anyone notices.
Karl Mauldin and Clint Eastwood had the place nice and tidy back then.
Michael Douglas too!
I must find and try green mango pickles. Maybe also move to Fiji
After 6 goddamn hours to do 2 loads of laundry I am finally done. My fellow renters are filthy animals.
Next time, consider the glorioUs alternative of FIRE. Cleansing fire. HOLY fire.
It’s time to once again release the Kraken.
Castellanos just homered. Safe to assume Huggins has been fired?
He could be fired. Might just be that it’s taking a really long time to push him out the door.
Velour suits are slippery.
yes, but F still equals m*a
Clothes are still wet after dryer run #2, but only damp now so I’m confident run #3 will be the end of it. Consoling myself with a Napa Valley Distillery Lemon Drop and the Thai version of elote
THIS LINDY RUFF I CALL HIM PHILLIPPE PETAIN BECAUSE HE’S LETTING THE VICHY DO WHATEVER THE HELL THEY WANT
THESE VICHY WHALERS I CALL THEM FAUST BECAUSE THEY’RE REALLY DEALING WITH THE DEVILS
Oh that is excellent
Carolina not fooling around in the 2nd.
Fire up Brass Bonanza?
FOAR banjo, in D-minor!
The Devils are, um, not good.
Today has been the laundry day from hell and it’s still not done. I’m just going to start wearing clothes until they smell so bad that horses run away from me, or until they’re so caked with dirt they don’t bend, or until they cause bedsores, then I’ll throw them away and put on new ones. It’ll probably take a while, especially if I shower in the clothes, or only wear them when I have to go outside.
I am a weirdo (in case you hadn’t noticed.) I don’t mind doing laundry. What I hate, more than any other household chore, is sweeping/ mopping/ vacuuming.
I don’t mind it anywhere near as much when I have my own washer/dryer, and all of today’s catastrophes would have been avoided if I wasn’t using my apartment complex’s shared laundry room. The other option is to start taking my laundry to Chicago, doing it there, then bringing it back to California.
RTD just had a seizure
First the Celtics get blown out, and now this? What a rotten night!
I feel obligated to post this. If memory serves this was Henley’s response to cops finding a comatose 16 year-old in his house. (he promptly blamed his roadies, as one is want to do)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7KwHMzWTME&ab_channel=DeanTheSavage
“People are so judgmental about these things.” — Matt Gaetz
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhBn-ewlbB8
Counterpoint: Fuck the Cardinals and their fans.
y sew jelly smh
Also, YES, Hippo does consider “Fentanyl Awareness Day” (much like Drug Takeback Day) a hate crime against hisself, personal like.
If they legalized opiates, they would essentially negate the majorty of danger from fentanyl since there would be quality control and accurate labeling. It would also remove the incentive to spike other drugs with it, as the potency makes fentanyl the most efficient substance to smuggle.
fucking EXACTLY!!!!!
(Dok FOAR Empress)
You can buy Fentanyl free coke in Vancouver now.
Last night, at least the #BFIB put the Bastard Man Small Bears back under .500. Where they belong.
Maybe I’ll go to a Cubs game later this year, I love how cheap tickets get when a team sucks
These New Jersey Devils I call them Robespierre because they are throwing Jack Hughes out there all over the place.
Ok, THAT’S funny
I love this on sooooo many levels, but mostly because my maiden(lol) name is Hughes.
Do you pee in a jar like your grandfather?
As far as I know, my grandfather wasn’t a jar pee-er. At least not in this country. He may have been notorious for it when he lived in Ireland.
I was trying to imply that you might be the lovechild of a brief tryst involving Howard Hughes and Joey Heatherington. I thought it was obvious. smh.
I’m old enough to be his actual daughter! We used to call him Uncle Howard. Was it Heatherington or Heatherton? She was very perky, as I recall. I hate perky.