If you don’t live on the East Coast, Hank Scorpio hasn’t started slowly and methodically vaporizing you yet. Imagine playing sports in this? Oh, wait, we have that.
But for real, if you haven’t heard, Ontario and Quebec are currently suffering from wildfires, and it’s so widespread that the resulting smoke has gotten into the jet streams and so the eastern seaboard from Boston to Norfolk has some rough-looking air quality alerts.
The red-orange is bad, but the purple and maroon are worse, adding to yet ANOTHER reason to pray for The Maestro. (Other reasons to pray for him include the dragging-on of the Senators bidding and the REDBLACKS.) The air quality in Ottawa is currently rated 11. Like most standard amps, the Canadian AQI normally only goes to 10, but the current air quality is bad enough to get in Spinal Tap range. (Two weeks in a row!) It’s less than ideal.
Hey, we have football news too!
Good Bills news: Damar Hamlin practiced with a helmet for the first time yesterday! (For the media in an open practice, though apparently he wore it during a closed practice last Wednesday.) Earlier this week, he started his CPR tour, dedicated to teaching people CPR and distributing AEDs.
Bad Bills news: Josh Allen is your cover athlete for Madden 24. No idea what they’re going to do for next year, since Madden 25 was used back in 2013 (which would have been Madden ’14) for the 25th anniversary of the franchise. The deluxe version has him with Bills Mafia, but nobody is making their way through a table, nor is there a dildo in the shot (as Madden 23 was rated E for everyone).
DUUUVAL! has a stadium plan mock-up concept, looking like it’ll rival the murderiest parts of BirdMurderDome.
In lesser lesser footy news, sources say that Lionel Messi is taking his talents to South Beach.
Lastly, RIP to the real one, Hossein Khosrow Ali Vaziri, best known as The Iron Sheik and Colonel Mustafa, former WWF world champion, tag team champion, and master of the Camel Clutch and making them humble who reclaimed some Internet celebrity by being balls-to-the-wall insane on the social medias. Respect the legend, and of course, as is tradition, fuck the jabroni Hulk Hogan. He is survived by his wife, three children, and five grandchildren.
What’s on?
NBA Finals Game 3: Nuggets vs. Heat (8:30, ABC, series tied 1-1)
(Stanley Cup Final Game 3 tomorrow, Vegas leads 2-0)
Is there baseball on national TV?
Does MLB Network count?
“I did not leave the South Side for this” vs. Breaking Fences (CHW vs. NYY, 7:05, MLBN)
BOO THESE MEN! vs. Dome Definitely Closed (HOU vs. TOR, 7:05, MLBN)
Miércoles Gigantes vs. Sugar, Water, Purple (SF vs. COL, 8:40, MLBN)
Small Bears vs. Wolfram Alpha (CHC vs. LAA, 9:35, MLBN)
May we not get the Black Lung!
Hope all the east coast folks are getting through this. Mask up and stay safe.
Musk at the height of his emotional maturity.
It’s a shame his parents never taught him to use his words
It’s a shame his parents didn’t JonBenet his shitty ass.
His parents? You must mean the au pair.
Emerald mine overseer, or whoever
Barbara Lee, one of the only elected people I actually like, was talking about how the A’s owner being a dickbag might contribute to the MLB losing its antitrust exemption. Apparently it’s been an item of discussion for a while now, and it would be glorious if this particular piece of assclownery ends up being what pushes it over the edge.
Cincinnati Reds on Twitter: “Anyone got a spare brick wall we can run through? https://t.co/Xb37DtJpC6” / Twitter
Dirt Bengals are getting a bit frisky. This may be an interesting March to .500.
EDIT: Maybe “March to .450”.
Is a race to 75 wins, and I’m not even sure anyone but PIT and CIN is even hobbling in the correct direction.
The rookie (de la Cruz) is fucking frightening.
/goes to Whitecaps game, feels hospitality of supporters
/now cheering for stupid expensive Vancouver BECAUSE THE CITY IS AWESOME
You still have to tell me about The Cure!
he won’t say it if you don’t say it firrrrrst
As advertised. Only FOZZ moment was when they were into a deep groove and people bailed for the toilet or more beer.
During “A Forest”???
Your doctor has to have already talked to you about penicillin
I spent so much time walking around that my feet damned near fell off. Just so much cool shit to look at, and the people were all genuinely awesome. And I fucking HATE people!
It really is surprisingly good
5 days old and this adorable baby horse has life figured out! Her mom is already looking for adult conversation and carrots
/checking into Game 3 of the NBA Finals
-Ok, they’re definitely playing basketball
-neither team is doing it very well though?
-I remember The Joker being way smaller and wearing much more makeup
-[looks at watch] When do the Lakers or Warriors show up?
I just realized it’s 18 months to the day I went sober, January 7, 2022.
I bequeath my monkey beer shares to whomever wants it first.
I heard that the 18th month is by far the hardest. Good Luck!
/of course I’m kidding
At least nobody will be getting inside you for a sixer, unlike certain defrocked priests in the SEPA area…
Wonderful, you are a king (or duke or earl or whatever).
Congrats!
I’ll ask if “Count WCS of Bungholio” is taken.
Congrats, man, that is no easy task.
Hell is going through withdrawal, but it never gets better. Withdrawal sucks.
oh man, the itching one just can’t scratch.
“No, no, it’s easy – watch!” – Jim Tomsula, using his bindle as a backscratcher
Sharing a yuk-yuk I made…I mean Bernard Gilkey Has a Posse! made on the Cardinals’ interwebs this morning. It got TWO WHOLE LIKES!
The #BFIB support was angry, my imaginary friends.
Angry like an old Fredbird, returning soup at a deli.
This is cornfusing, even for you.
huh, that’s EXACTLY what Other Hippo said
Fulham supporter Pay Silva he is our greatest manager ever.
https://www.reddit.com/r/trailerparkboys/comments/143fxe4/smokes_lets_go/
Makes sense now.
Look, I’m so hard up for football right now, I’d watch Raiders/Panthers right to the end. There. I said it.
Actually one of my favorite Raiders memories is from a Panthers game:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCIZnmKZaFI
I caught myself on the EsP looking at NFL stories. Futbol dun. On to other things.
Bill Barnwell is always worth a read
He was mates with Simmons. Nope.
Oh Christ. Fucking media fucks.
My best memory of Shriekback-
/at Carleton Uni’s largest bar on “Alternative Thursdays”
Me: [chatting up a young lady, that band’s tune, “Gunning For The Buddha” comes on] “Hey, do you want to dance?”
Her: “Sure!”
Me: [during dancing, shouting into her ear] “Did you know that the title of this song references an ancient philosopher that said, “If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him?”
Her: [quizzical look] “Huh.”
Her: [after the song is over] “I have to go home.”
/Fin
Her [later, to her friends]: I thought he was gunning for my buddha, but I guess not.
Air quality is a myth, you guys, I aint wearin no mask!!
[climbs into his lifted pickup truck, lays the horn onto a Chevy Volt driver that has done nothing wrong, spits tobacco juice into old McDonald’s french fry box, wonders why his disability cheque from the goddamn government that I hate is three days late]
-Herodotus
Well sure, I voted to cut Social Security, but I didn’t mean my Social Security.
Your Big Pickup Truck exclusion in the rider in the initial draft didn’t have enough votes/bribes from corporations in committee. It’s simple math, citizen! Have you considered grifting to get what you want?
He is from Alberta????
Whelp, time to grab some gold, frankincense & myrrh, head down to Costa Rica, and greet Crocodile Jesus. Rejoice!!
https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2023/jun/07/scientists-record-first-known-virgin-birth-in-female-crocodile-in-costa-rica
That is so cool-facultative parthenogenesis is my kink. I believe Shriekback partially addressed this back in the day.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bMM61Y5CEU&ab_channel=ShriekbackVEVO
The crocodile Christians have to be an improvement of the human version. I mean, at least the crocs are supposed to be cold-blooded.
The Crocodile Pope will be pleased