Nine Voice Mails & A Text: A Fathers’ Day Special Offseason Etc. Etc.

10:01 PM

Happy Fathers’ Day, Roberto. It’s your father. I hope you and your… Wife, I guess, had a great day today with your baby boy. Having children is a blessing. Take care.

10:37 PM

Hi ‘Berto. Your sister just texted to wish me a Happy Fathers’ Day. Just the three words. She’s very mindful and knows I like concision. Brevity in words. To the point. It’s a refreshing quality.  Umm… Sorry about the wife thing. I didn’t mean to presume you got married. Your cousin Rafael told me that you moved in with a lady who wasn’t Natasha and that you had a baby. This was very…

10:49 PM

Hrmm. Either I pressed the button or lifted the finger, I don’t know. But it stopped recording when I was talking earlier. Anyway I wanted to apologize. I’m not too proud to say I’m sorry, as you know. Just… I wanted to finish what I was saying about your newborn son. Becoming a new parent imposes a challenge to nurture a vulnerable little baby. It is not easy. I… Just know that I’m available to… Wait. I have to keep the finger on the but–

11:05 PM

To be clear. That vulnerable little baby thing was meant towards your son because he is only a couple of months old. I definitely was NOT alluding to you in any way. But ok. I apologize again anyway for calling you an unfuckable widdle toddler or something when you introduced me to your first girlfriend during my peak alcoholism. For which I got treatment by the way. Did anyone care? Psht. It mattered NOTHING to anyone. Still the same resentment and rejection. Oh yeah, absolutely. Everything is my fault. Well you know what? Screw you. I’m gonna get a tumbler of Diet Caffeine Free Doctor Pepper.

11:08 PM

Yeah. Still sober. I do it for me now. Listen. I can’t undo anything I did either sober or… Otherwise. But I changed. I did change and become the squarest asshole and a morose sap for almost a year. And then a… Sour gramps. Right? Isn’t that what you said about me to Rafael in that last Christmas party we all got together? ‘Berto why do you confide in him? That’s on you. My whole life was teaching you kids about the virtues of shutting the fuck up. Jesus Christ you were a talker. Now you have a kid. Heh heh. I hope your son comes to you to talk about feelings whenever you come home from work.

11:10 PM

 BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, Ay…. Heh heh…

11:37 PM

But no matter what you can count on me. Well, my wisdom through voicemails because you won’t pick up my calls. Two in the last year and half to be precise and none to ask you for money. That was a one time thing. If you think you’re too good for a postdated check from an Anguillan crypto exchange that’s on you. You didn’t want the money back ok. But I apologize. Again. For another thing on top of everything. Forget that. Advice about the baby. Pffff…. Ok. Get your kid the best education possible. If you have no idea where, get a school that cripples you financially. For you we didn’t braaaap! But for your son. Put him the most expensive and therefore best schools. Then you can lord that over your son when he becomes a fuckup. Also keep a home that keeps away Family Services. Make someone do the dishes every three days. If you get social workers inside your house, tell them the Jesus indoctrination your grandma gave you and your sister behind your mom’s back. Your godless mother DID keep your baptism pics in the divorce. Get those pictures back and put them in your home. Do it. Give your mom a ring and tell her I. ME told you to call her. But don’t give her this number I mean c’mon!

[Intermission]

NFL NEWS

-The NFL will hold the supplemental draft on July 11. This is the first supplemental draft since 2019. Notable supplemental picks of the past:

• Bernie Kosar – Kosar was selected by the Cleveland Browns in the 1985 Supplemental Draft. He had a successful career as a quarterback, leading the Browns to multiple playoff appearances.

• Cris Carter – Carter was picked by the Philadelphia Eagles in the 1987 Supplemental Draft. He went on to become one of the greatest wide receivers in NFL history, earning multiple Pro Bowl selections and induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

• Rob Moore – Moore was selected by the New York Jets in the 1990 Supplemental Draft. He had a productive career as a wide receiver, earning Pro Bowl honors with the Arizona Cardinals.

• Ahmad Brooks – Brooks was picked by the Cincinnati Bengals in the 2006 Supplemental Draft. He played as a linebacker and had a successful career with the San Francisco 49ers, earning multiple Pro Bowl selections.

• Josh Gordon – Gordon was selected by the Cleveland Browns in the 2012 Supplemental Draft. He had a promising start to his career but faced multiple suspensions due to substance abuse. Despite his off-field issues, he has shown flashes of talent during his time in the NFL.

Via ChatGPT

SPROTS TOMITE

All times Central

Grandes Ligas

As always, slur free.

Y*nk*s (Severino) @ Medias Rojas (Bello) – 6:00

WNBA

Connecticut Sun @ Los Angeles Spark – 6:30

MinnsesoUta Lynx @ Las Vegas Aces – 8:00

INT’L KUMBAYA FÚTBOL

Because they’re friendlies. Huh?

Tch. Pearls before swine, man.

Honduras hosts Barbados – 7:00

CONCACAF FINAL

Yes yes yes! It’s the DFO darby, the regional final has the super mega ultra clásico that pits the Evil Empire and the SoUrries. Live, from the Raiders Dome in Las Vegas Nevaddah

Estados Unidos hosts Canada – 7:30

Litre was at the CAN 2-0 USA the last time these nations met up in the Iceteca; photographic evidence here. Alls I want is a Canada victory. And blood. Some blood would be nice. Not Oakland parking lot overflowing with 49ers blood, I’m not a sadist. My plea is for some run of the mill, Oops my elbow on your orbital bone sa ree kinda gash. That would make this final mythicc.

FINALLY,

12:02 AM

So even with two minutes to spare you’re too proud to acknowledge your old man during Father’s Day. Hey. That’s fine. Nobody asks to be born and you can’t spit towards the sidewalk without hitting an ungrateful and self-absorbed kid. There’s a connection there but this Mexican Klonopin my neighbor brought me packs a wallop. Anyway… Tssss. God damn the youth are insufferable. Kids are all about vision and exuberance and enthusiasm. But wisdom and experience get you ahead. Falling face first. Having no one to help you. Getting out of jams by yourself. Snfffff. Hrm… Roberto. I am proud that you were able to pull ahead without me giving you a cent. If you give your kids everything they will never learn on their own. Plus leaving kids to their own devices takes zero effort. Remember what I told you when you turned eighteen: from this moment on everything is on you. Not on me. Not on me. Send me a pic of my grandson and I might call you from my deathbed. Or next Fathers’ Day. Whichever comes first.

12:33 AM

You have 1 new message

12:35 AM

Was that so tough? Thank you. I knew you were a softie just like your Pa. Let me give you another piece of advice. When your missus and baby go to visit relatives, select appropriate alcohols to get blackout drunk and pass out within a seventy five minute period and then nap for an hour and eat something before they get back. I know you drink. Do notice I’m not giving you shit about drinking despite your genes. Instead I choose to share my alkie wisdom. I can give you my drunk driving tips in person when I visit the baby. I’ll tease one. Sometimes you gotta close one eye to improve sight.