INT. NATHAN’S DELICATESSEN – DAY
A bustle of activity. The CATERING MANAGER stands with his hands on his hips, watching the kitchen staff engage in various cleanup tasks; sweeping the floor, cleaning pots and pans, pouring used hot dog water down the drain.
BUSBOY: [straightens up from over a sink full of dishes] I gotta say, it’s nice to be able to knock off early today.
LINE COOK: [looks over from where he’s hanging a stainless steel pot] I dunno, I really could have used the overtime.
CATERING MANAGER: Quiet, you two, and get back to work. I want to get out of here.
LINE COOK: Finally going to make it to the 4th of July barbecue at your brother-in-law’s house while there’s still some of the good beer left?
CATERING MANAGER: That’s the dream.
— [DOOR FLIES OPEN] —
The NATHAN’S HOT DOG EATING CONTEST COORDINATOR bursts into the room…but then, SUDDENLY…
— [REAL WORLD FLIES OPEN] —
An incredibly handsome blogger looks up from his keyboard.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Wait, what the fuck?
The incredibly handsome blogger opens a browser and navigates to twitter.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Oh, right.
The incredibly handsome blogger performs a Google search on “2023 Hot Dog Eating Contest” and clicks on the first link provided.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Man, they just keep making him seem cooler, don’t they.
The incredibly handsome blogger hits the back button and clicks on the first link that is not a “sponsored” result.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Goddamnit, they told me that thing was canceled! I had a whole bit written up about Andy Reid using his Federal Barbecue Inspector persona to confiscate all the uneaten hot dogs! I had the image cued up and everything! See?
The incredibly handsome blogger rubs the bridge of his nose, and turns towards the camera, breaking the fifth wall.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Sorry, folks. Thanks to some FAKE NEWS, I was tricked into thinking the most American sport of all time – the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest – was canceled as opposed to just delayed. Which means instead of making Andy Reid fat jokes, I’m going to have to think of something heartfelt to say on this celebration of America’s Independence from the tyranny of having to pay taxes on tea. I don’t know why they didn’t just follow Mike Brown’s advice and snatch a dozen teabags and put them in their pockets every time they stay at a La Quinta and are served a Continental breakfast, but I suspect it must have something to do with all the La Quinta Inns at the time having been commandeered to quarter British soldiers, a practice that THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA put a stop to. Anyhow, I’ve always been a fan of the wanton destruction of this holiday, at least until I got pets and began empathizing with the wide-eyed terror they experience throughout the night. Please drink responsibly and use fireworks responsibly, and feel free to share hilarious reports of others failing to exhibit said responsibility in the comments below, and have yourself a wonderful 4th of July.
Even the Canadians.
It’s 11:30 PM and my neighborhood is showing no signs of letting up. We’re sitting with my poor little stepdog in an interior bathroom, listening to string quartet music. Poor little dude can’t stop shaking.
Awww, poor baby. Try to get him some tranqs from the vet next year. I know some people have luck with those Thundershirts, but they don’t work for all dogs. Might be worth a try.
If I had a wish, I wish everyone of you could see this town on the 4th of July.
Both of my daughters used to stop by and they didn’t need to see a professional show.
We’ll just watch from your balcony.
It’s a force of nature.
Distant fireworks have been nonstop since darkness fell, but the local ones were less intense than usual and have been over for a while. Hasn’t been too traumatic of a night for the pets, which is wonderful.
I saw on the news tonight that one of the big celebrations in LA is using drones. That’s a good idea, hope it catches on.
What kind of liberal, pansy-ass, coward, cuck city do I live in? Why does my city hate America? Only three fireworks throughout the day, and nothing now even with the sun setting. Sad state of affairs here.
NYT is currently sending a reporter to an Ohio diner to answer this pressing question for tomorrow’s morning edition.
No wait. The fireworks have started now. Back to your regularly scheduled evenings everyone.
In L.A. major fireworks get fired off so frequently I don’t know whether it’s a holiday or some pro team won another championship. Or maybe it’s a war.
I went on my SIL’s upstairs deck to catch some fireworks. It’s rickety as fuck up there, they need to have someone look at it. I was skeered!
Back when our hotdog eating contests got canceled… We wuz smart… We had a back up…
If my neighbor that’s a thief gets his hand blown off it’ll be like the US is cosmically implementing Shakira law
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA
Holy shit I love you Pedro.
This town is going the fuck OFF!
I’m pretty sure Riverside is shelling Corona.
They fucking deserve it!
It’s fine, because I don’t live there anymore!
This is my favorite part when the professional displays are over.
Pedro says, “Is that it? That’s all you got?”
Hunker down and enjoy the show.
Maybe keep a garden hose handy.
We had a neighbor set our yard on fire years ago in Navy housing. There was a pretty bad drought in western Washington in the mid eighties., believe it or not. The grass went up so fast, it was scary. That neighbor was a total douche canoe, as I recall. His wife crashed into our parked car, and tried to lie about it to the cops. She was a hateful bitch too.
Apparently there’s 80,000 people watching El Trafico at the Rose Bowl tonight, but I can’t watch it without Apple Fucking TV. LOOK MLS I ACTUALLY WANT TO WATCH ONE OF YOUR SHITTY GAMES.
Or maybe I’m just salty about Trout and the Angels.
This was nice though
https://twitter.com/farmersliguepod/status/1676431078691860481
I’m sorry I’m not allowed to speak Twitter-ese.
After that Nancy Reagan tweet I am going to make an effort to avoid looking at twitter ever again. It will never be topped, and I’d like my final memory of twitter to be a fond one.
I deleted it months ago, but I can see this? Maybe it’s not quite as deleted as I thought, or else Elmo Mush really really likes me?
The Cubbies kept the game tied by throwing out a runner at the plate in the 10th. Ian Happ.
And they won by throwing out the tying run at the plate in the 11th.
Ian fucking Happ again.
Traditionally, the Cubs are pretty Happless.
Feel like I should watch this:
A zombotronic production!
Topical!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIATvAcEoEU
HOLY SHIT NEW BRAWL IN THE FAMILY-ESQUE THINGS.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqF0AurSzYc
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/UebUIrrwZuc
Goddamn, THE OL’ DOUBLE J LOVES THE FORTO’ JULEEYEE
Jerrah!
The fireworks on our street–and I mean this literally, because the intersection just past our house was ground zero–are nonfuckingstop and show no sign of relenting.
Holy shit I found this on the internet! That’s me in the back taking a picture! That was a ship’s camera and I’ve never seen any of the photos (until this one). I can name almost every guy here.
EDIT: That’s the crew’s mess of a submarine on patrol, during an event I can’t remember.
That event: crossing the meridian
It was probably a qual ceremony where the captain awards dolphins to crewmen who completed qualification. It such a big deal we all got dressed up.
Who got Garo Yepremian?
We bought six of those coffee cups with the blue stripes, because Gumby sez coffee tastes better in them. That picture needs more poopy suits!
That’s cool. There is one event that I would love to find a picture of. They took a bunch of them but I have never been able to run one down.
‘Twas time for my favorite Panic! At The Disco cover band, Traffic! On The Kosciuzko. Why? Because people were parked on the side to watch the fireworks. Listen, can you not do that on the BQE?
When the space shuttle landed out here to bring the Atlantis home people parked on the 105 freeway.
In the middle of the freeway!
“Wait, what’s this about Atlantis?” – Pete Carroll
Oh good, my across-the-street neighbors have laid their hands on some fireworks and are firing them off in the empty field.
I hope they get so many ticks, and if they blow off any digits you can be sure I’ll call 922 just as fast as I can.
No one could have possibly seen this happening on this day, at this time, at this volume. My heart cries out for you!
/#thoughtsandprayers
We’ve got people setting stuff off in the parking lot and it’s not even dusk!
It started here too. Ridiculous.
(I wouldn’t mind but my dog is a huge coward, and my dog has priority)
Yes, my dogs are the reason I’m feeling stabby.
Not even dark here yet and assholes are blowing up M-80s (or something fuck do I know)
[listens carefully]
“No, no, those are M-1000’s” – noted fireworks enthusiast Jason Pierre-Paul
As he should.
I just caught a brief bit of the July 4th concert on The Mall and I swear it looks produced by the Scientologists.
There were a bunch of dudes jumping up and down on couches?*
*in concert, of course
My niece and her boyfriend went to that.
A more nuanced take on the ESPN firings? Give me some Perna.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmpYHazQZu4&t=3s&ab_channel=ThatsGoodSports
Speaking of, have we heard from Ms. Kolber yet?
Or Ufford?
Lunch at Le Refuge in Old Town Alexandria
My beautiful date and longtime friend Tracey had rainbow trout sautéed in butter and lemon juice with mushrooms and almonds, while Brick had the cold salmon plate with cucumber salad, hearts of palms, other fresh cool garden delights, and an amazing dill dressing. Not pictured is the appetizer of cold asparagus spears with smoked trout. All of this was perfect on a steamy hot summer day.
I’ve heard a lot of good things about Tracey-stylish, yet not afraid to wear a pig’s mask if the situation calls for it, conversant with respect to Nietzsche’s theory of The Eternal Return, once played left wing on Gretzky’s line for two games and scored a goal, will inherit a chain of gerbil-drowning franchises, has seen the Queen-adjacent’s vagina in a purely professional setting, invented the only balloons that allow teenagers to walk across smaller lakes, the list of accomplishments goes on and on.
What’s in that gravy boat, tartar sauce? Looks good!
RIF! That’s the dill sauce, duh.
First the Orcas came from the yachts, and I said nothing because I did not have a yacht.
Then the otters came for the surfboards, and I said nothing bec…
Wait, just what the fuck is going on in the ocean these days!?!?
https://bsky.app/profile/catebridget.bsky.social/post/3jzpvlryk3727
Are you trying to big-time us by posting a link to an invite-only service?
Yes. Yes I am.
I have no idea how one gets to extend invites, but if I ever find out you guys will be among the first to know.
My COBRA subsidy expires at the end of the month, so I’m applying for a California marketplace plan and it turns out I qualify for exactly $1/month state subsidy, lol
“YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR ‘COBRA SUBSIDY’ WHAR THE SON DON’T SHINE!”
-Rattlesnakes in Florida
Well we know your identity now.
Clit Man?
He does seem to be showing..
You may have to make up a difference come tax time; we’ve had to cough up some money in the past.
You mean I’ll have to pay back the $1 a month they’re offering me?
Oh, my mistake, I thought you meant you were getting the advance tax credit that leaves you with a really low bill, but might get clawed back later based on income.
I thought you were unemployed? You need to learn how to legally shift your income around.
My severance payment was in 2023, so my income for this year is artificially high
I had a meeting in Sudbury today and immediately after she was done I headed over to Flames Caribbean Kitchen to get some goat curry, jerk chicken and some slow-roasted oxtail thingy. Some observations-
-it was 100 degrees Farvugnugen outside and it must has been at least 120 inside the place.
-I’ve never walked into a place where the temperature was several degrees hotter
-so kudos to the young lady that served me.
-she gave me such generous portions that she had trouble closing the lid on all three of the items I chose.
-you know about the celebrities on the wall thing? Well, there’s only one-a pic of Danny Glover hugging the owner. Apparently he did a movie in Sudbury a few years back and couldn’t get enough of their offerings.
Sooo, what I’m trying to say is that if you’re ever participating in some cross-North American Hide and Seek competition and you end up there, you should support Flames Caribbean Kitchen.
“Being unable to close the lid” reminds me of the last time we had Korean fried chicken (i.e. Friday). The place we got it is unique because they include fruit and it is SO SO GOOD.
Shit fire, that looks a perfect combo and I never would have thought of it.
“being unable to close the lid”
-I’ll take, “Most embarrassing moment at Howard Taft’s funeral for $600, Alex.”
I’d like to make this clear-DO NOT support this establishment unless you are a participant in a cross-North American Hide and Seek competition.*
*I can’t tell you why but it’s important to me**
**I won’t be answering any questions on the advice of my lawyer.
No Letterkenny stuff? That’s surprising.
The place where they shot stuff closes at 3pm. Was not an option.
I was thinking the Letterkenny crew would have hit up the Caribbean place you went to
Ok, got it.
There’s at least one non-north American commentor, Boris’ burner accounts notwithstanding
What about
bk109? nvm…2Pack glares in Italian
Forgot about Tank guy.
So I was reading someone’s idea that the Ukrainian army could just stroll right across the area that used to be underwater before the Russians blew that dam, but it was pointed out that the ground is far too wet and muddy, it would need to dry out considerably before a significant force could cross it. And then I was thinking you’d need some kind of superpower to make that possible. And then I realized…
Legoland allows outside food and drink. Would appreciate a spot draft here. Topic: Best Amusement Park Packings.
Meaning, what to bring in?
White House Cocaine
Pork rinds.
Got to admit Legoland has quality food offerings including a ramen shop with pork belly ramen.
Still got to go with Mrs Knotts Fried Chicken Dinner restaurant for best of all amusement park eats. I’ve gone just for the chicken.
Walter Knott built the park to amuse the people who were waiting in line for hours to eat at his wife’s fried chicken restaurant.
And a slice of boisenberry pie?
Shit man. That’s all you need.
NC State Fair fried flounder. HOLY SHIT, so good.
State fair food is a different category but if we’re going that way. Pork tenderloin sandwich at the Iowa state fair. Yes sir and ma’am.
Funnel cake is a quality pick even if not a need
“JUICE BOXES!!! JUICE BOX…(voice deepens considerably). I mean, I’d just, you know, smuggle in some beers and stuff.”
-Eli Manning
Potato Patch at Kennywood and Idlewild Parks. Mmmmmmmmfries!
The one and only correct answer.