Meanwhile, at Coney Island…(and also 4th of July evening open thread)

INT. NATHAN’S DELICATESSEN – DAY

A bustle of activity. The CATERING MANAGER stands with his hands on his hips, watching the kitchen staff engage in various cleanup tasks; sweeping the floor, cleaning pots and pans, pouring used hot dog water down the drain. 

BUSBOY: [straightens up from over a sink full of dishes] I gotta say, it’s nice to be able to knock off early today.

LINE COOK: [looks over from where he’s hanging a stainless steel pot] I dunno, I really could have used the overtime.

CATERING MANAGER: Quiet, you two, and get back to work.  I want to get out of here.

LINE COOK: Finally going to make it to the 4th of July barbecue at your brother-in-law’s house while there’s still some of the good beer left?

CATERING MANAGER: That’s the dream.

— [DOOR FLIES OPEN] —

The NATHAN’S HOT DOG EATING CONTEST COORDINATOR bursts into the room…but then, SUDDENLY…

— [REAL WORLD FLIES OPEN] —

An incredibly handsome blogger looks up from his keyboard.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Wait, what the fuck?

The incredibly handsome blogger opens a browser and navigates to twitter.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Oh, right.

The incredibly handsome blogger performs a Google search on “2023 Hot Dog Eating Contest” and clicks on the first link provided.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Man, they just keep making him seem cooler, don’t they.

The incredibly handsome blogger hits the back button and clicks on the first link that is not a “sponsored” result.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Goddamnit, they told me that thing was canceled! I had a whole bit written up about Andy Reid using his Federal Barbecue Inspector persona to confiscate all the uneaten hot dogs! I had the image cued up and everything! See?

The incredibly handsome blogger rubs the bridge of his nose, and turns towards the camera, breaking the fifth wall.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Sorry, folks.  Thanks to some FAKE NEWS, I was tricked into thinking the most American sport of all time – the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest – was canceled as opposed to just delayed.  Which means instead of making Andy Reid fat jokes, I’m going to have to think of something heartfelt to say on this celebration of America’s Independence from the tyranny of having to pay taxes on tea.  I don’t know why they didn’t just follow Mike Brown’s advice and snatch a dozen teabags and put them in their pockets every time they stay at a La Quinta and are served a Continental breakfast, but I suspect it must have something to do with all the La Quinta Inns at the time having been commandeered to quarter British soldiers, a practice that THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA put a stop to. Anyhow, I’ve always been a fan of the wanton destruction of this holiday, at least until I got pets and began empathizing with the wide-eyed terror they experience throughout the night. Please drink responsibly and use fireworks responsibly, and feel free to share hilarious reports of others failing to exhibit said responsibility in the comments below, and have yourself a wonderful 4th of July.

Even the Canadians.

 

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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Col. Duke LaCross

It’s 11:30 PM and my neighborhood is showing no signs of letting up. We’re sitting with my poor little stepdog in an interior bathroom, listening to string quartet music. Poor little dude can’t stop shaking.

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Gumbygirl

Awww, poor baby. Try to get him some tranqs from the vet next year. I know some people have luck with those Thundershirts, but they don’t work for all dogs. Might be worth a try.

yeah right

If I had a wish, I wish everyone of you could see this town on the 4th of July.

Both of my daughters used to stop by and they didn’t need to see a professional show.

We’ll just watch from your balcony.

It’s a force of nature.

Gumbygirl

I saw on the news tonight that one of the big celebrations in LA is using drones. That’s a good idea, hope it catches on.

Mr. Ayo

What kind of liberal, pansy-ass, coward, cuck city do I live in? Why does my city hate America? Only three fireworks throughout the day, and nothing now even with the sun setting. Sad state of affairs here.

NYT is currently sending a reporter to an Ohio diner to answer this pressing question for tomorrow’s morning edition.

No wait. The fireworks have started now. Back to your regularly scheduled evenings everyone.

Brick Meathook

In L.A. major fireworks get fired off so frequently I don’t know whether it’s a holiday or some pro team won another championship. Or maybe it’s a war.

Gumbygirl

I went on my SIL’s upstairs deck to catch some fireworks. It’s rickety as fuck up there, they need to have someone look at it. I was skeered!

2Pack

Back when our hotdog eating contests got canceled… We wuz smart… We had a back up…

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Doktor Zymm

If my neighbor that’s a thief gets his hand blown off it’ll be like the US is cosmically implementing Shakira law

WCS

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA

yeah right

Holy shit I love you Pedro.

This town is going the fuck OFF!

Gumbygirl

I’m pretty sure Riverside is shelling Corona.

yeah right

They fucking deserve it!

Gumbygirl

It’s fine, because I don’t live there anymore!

yeah right

This is my favorite part when the professional displays are over.

Pedro says, “Is that it? That’s all you got?”

Hunker down and enjoy the show.

Maybe keep a garden hose handy.

Gumbygirl

We had a neighbor set our yard on fire years ago in Navy housing. There was a pretty bad drought in western Washington in the mid eighties., believe it or not. The grass went up so fast, it was scary. That neighbor was a total douche canoe, as I recall. His wife crashed into our parked car, and tried to lie about it to the cops. She was a hateful bitch too.

SonOfSpam

Apparently there’s 80,000 people watching El Trafico at the Rose Bowl tonight, but I can’t watch it without Apple Fucking TV. LOOK MLS I ACTUALLY WANT TO WATCH ONE OF YOUR SHITTY GAMES.

Or maybe I’m just salty about Trout and the Angels.

SonOfSpam
yeah right

I’m sorry I’m not allowed to speak Twitter-ese.

Gumbygirl

I deleted it months ago, but I can see this? Maybe it’s not quite as deleted as I thought, or else Elmo Mush really really likes me?

yeah right

The Cubbies kept the game tied by throwing out a runner at the plate in the 10th. Ian Happ.

And they won by throwing out the tying run at the plate in the 11th.

Ian fucking Happ again.

Dunstan

Traditionally, the Cubs are pretty Happless.

yeah right

A zombotronic production!

Senor Weaselo

HOLY SHIT NEW BRAWL IN THE FAMILY-ESQUE THINGS.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqF0AurSzYc

WCS

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/UebUIrrwZuc

Goddamn, THE OL’ DOUBLE J LOVES THE FORTO’ JULEEYEE

Gumbygirl

Jerrah!

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

The fireworks on our street–and I mean this literally, because the intersection just past our house was ground zero–are nonfuckingstop and show no sign of relenting.

Brick Meathook

Holy shit I found this on the internet! That’s me in the back taking a picture! That was a ship’s camera and I’ve never seen any of the photos (until this one). I can name almost every guy here.

EDIT: That’s the crew’s mess of a submarine on patrol, during an event I can’t remember.

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Last edited 1 year ago by Brick Meathook
BrettFavresColonoscopy

That event: crossing the meridian

Brick Meathook

It was probably a qual ceremony where the captain awards dolphins to crewmen who completed qualification. It such a big deal we all got dressed up.

SonOfSpam

Who got Garo Yepremian?

Gumbygirl

We bought six of those coffee cups with the blue stripes, because Gumby sez coffee tastes better in them. That picture needs more poopy suits!

Last edited 1 year ago by Gumbygirl
2Pack

That’s cool. There is one event that I would love to find a picture of. They took a bunch of them but I have never been able to run one down.

Senor Weaselo

‘Twas time for my favorite Panic! At The Disco cover band, Traffic! On The Kosciuzko. Why? Because people were parked on the side to watch the fireworks. Listen, can you not do that on the BQE?

yeah right

When the space shuttle landed out here to bring the Atlantis home people parked on the 105 freeway.
In the middle of the freeway!

Horatio Cornblower

Oh good, my across-the-street neighbors have laid their hands on some fireworks and are firing them off in the empty field.

I hope they get so many ticks, and if they blow off any digits you can be sure I’ll call 922 just as fast as I can.

scotchnaut

No one could have possibly seen this happening on this day, at this time, at this volume. My heart cries out for you!

/#thoughtsandprayers

Doktor Zymm

We’ve got people setting stuff off in the parking lot and it’s not even dusk!

Gumbygirl

It started here too. Ridiculous.

Horatio Cornblower

(I wouldn’t mind but my dog is a huge coward, and my dog has priority)

SonOfSpam

Yes, my dogs are the reason I’m feeling stabby.

Not even dark here yet and assholes are blowing up M-80s (or something fuck do I know)

Brick Meathook

I just caught a brief bit of the July 4th concert on The Mall and I swear it looks produced by the Scientologists.

scotchnaut

There were a bunch of dudes jumping up and down on couches?*

*in concert, of course

Gumbygirl

My niece and her boyfriend went to that.

scotchnaut

A more nuanced take on the ESPN firings? Give me some Perna.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmpYHazQZu4&t=3s&ab_channel=ThatsGoodSports

herodotus450

Speaking of, have we heard from Ms. Kolber yet?

Brick Meathook

Lunch at Le Refuge in Old Town Alexandria

My beautiful date and longtime friend Tracey had rainbow trout sautéed in butter and lemon juice with mushrooms and almonds, while Brick had the cold salmon plate with cucumber salad, hearts of palms, other fresh cool garden delights, and an amazing dill dressing. Not pictured is the appetizer of cold asparagus spears with smoked trout. All of this was perfect on a steamy hot summer day.

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scotchnaut

I’ve heard a lot of good things about Tracey-stylish, yet not afraid to wear a pig’s mask if the situation calls for it, conversant with respect to Nietzsche’s theory of The Eternal Return, once played left wing on Gretzky’s line for two games and scored a goal, will inherit a chain of gerbil-drowning franchises, has seen the Queen-adjacent’s vagina in a purely professional setting, invented the only balloons that allow teenagers to walk across smaller lakes, the list of accomplishments goes on and on.

Gumbygirl

What’s in that gravy boat, tartar sauce? Looks good!

Gumbygirl

RIF! That’s the dill sauce, duh.

Horatio Cornblower

First the Orcas came from the yachts, and I said nothing because I did not have a yacht.

Then the otters came for the surfboards, and I said nothing bec…

Wait, just what the fuck is going on in the ocean these days!?!?

https://bsky.app/profile/catebridget.bsky.social/post/3jzpvlryk3727

Horatio Cornblower

Yes. Yes I am.

I have no idea how one gets to extend invites, but if I ever find out you guys will be among the first to know.

Doktor Zymm

My COBRA subsidy expires at the end of the month, so I’m applying for a California marketplace plan and it turns out I qualify for exactly $1/month state subsidy, lol

scotchnaut

“YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR ‘COBRA SUBSIDY’ WHAR THE SON DON’T SHINE!”

-Rattlesnakes in Florida

litre_cola

Well we know your identity now.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Clit Man?

litre_cola

He does seem to be showing..

Doktor Zymm

You mean I’ll have to pay back the $1 a month they’re offering me?

Brick Meathook

I thought you were unemployed? You need to learn how to legally shift your income around.

Doktor Zymm

My severance payment was in 2023, so my income for this year is artificially high

scotchnaut

I had a meeting in Sudbury today and immediately after she was done I headed over to Flames Caribbean Kitchen to get some goat curry, jerk chicken and some slow-roasted oxtail thingy. Some observations-

-it was 100 degrees Farvugnugen outside and it must has been at least 120 inside the place.

-I’ve never walked into a place where the temperature was several degrees hotter

-so kudos to the young lady that served me.

-she gave me such generous portions that she had trouble closing the lid on all three of the items I chose.

-you know about the celebrities on the wall thing? Well, there’s only one-a pic of Danny Glover hugging the owner. Apparently he did a movie in Sudbury a few years back and couldn’t get enough of their offerings.

Sooo, what I’m trying to say is that if you’re ever participating in some cross-North American Hide and Seek competition and you end up there, you should support Flames Caribbean Kitchen.

King Hippo

Shit fire, that looks a perfect combo and I never would have thought of it.

scotchnaut

“being unable to close the lid”

-I’ll take, “Most embarrassing moment at Howard Taft’s funeral for $600, Alex.”

scotchnaut

I’d like to make this clear-DO NOT support this establishment unless you are a participant in a cross-North American Hide and Seek competition.*

*I can’t tell you why but it’s important to me**

**I won’t be answering any questions on the advice of my lawyer.

ballsofsteelandfury

No Letterkenny stuff? That’s surprising.

scotchnaut

The place where they shot stuff closes at 3pm. Was not an option.

ballsofsteelandfury

I was thinking the Letterkenny crew would have hit up the Caribbean place you went to

scotchnaut

Ok, got it.

Game Time Decision

Even the Canadians

There’s at least one non-north American commentor, Boris’ burner accounts notwithstanding

scotchnaut

What about bk109? nvm…

Game Time Decision

2Pack glares in Italian

litre_cola

Forgot about Tank guy.

blaxabbath

Legoland allows outside food and drink. Would appreciate a spot draft here. Topic: Best Amusement Park Packings.

ballsofsteelandfury

Meaning, what to bring in?

White House Cocaine

yeah right

Got to admit Legoland has quality food offerings including a ramen shop with pork belly ramen.

Still got to go with Mrs Knotts Fried Chicken Dinner restaurant for best of all amusement park eats. I’ve gone just for the chicken.

Brick Meathook

Walter Knott built the park to amuse the people who were waiting in line for hours to eat at his wife’s fried chicken restaurant.

yeah right

And a slice of boisenberry pie?

Shit man. That’s all you need.

King Hippo

NC State Fair fried flounder. HOLY SHIT, so good.

yeah right

State fair food is a different category but if we’re going that way. Pork tenderloin sandwich at the Iowa state fair. Yes sir and ma’am.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Funnel cake is a quality pick even if not a need

Horatio Cornblower

“JUICE BOXES!!! JUICE BOX…(voice deepens considerably). I mean, I’d just, you know, smuggle in some beers and stuff.”

-Eli Manning

Gumbygirl

Potato Patch at Kennywood and Idlewild Parks. Mmmmmmmmfries!

WCS

The one and only correct answer.