Well, hello. Your friendly neighboUrhood Maestro is on sabbatical in Europe with Lady Maestro. You get me for a sub on this instalment of CFL Beat, for which I gladly volunteered my talent. Which won’t be necessary after all. Maestro, being generous and dutiful, left a post skeleton (great), and a series of… “Style Directives” that are “totally up to you”.
In league news (via CFL House Organ):
-The kicking game is awesome. Kickers are
on pace to make 39 field goals from 50 yards or more this season, 10 more than the record 29 set in 2018. The single season record of eight was established by J.T. Hay in 1986. René Paredes [Calgary] leads the league with six.
-Out of Regina come the news that the Roughriders released “American wide receiver Derel Walker” yesterday. Walker is a eight-year CFL veteran who appeared “in one game for the Riders this season”. Hey Maestro, I doubled sourced this item instead of making cracks at Regina’s expense. Note, taken.
WEEK 9 PREVIEWS [sic]
Shouldn’t it be RESULTS, M? But hey, OK, you’re the boss.
BYE: Edmonton (0-8)
The Elks are on pace to “miss playoffs for the first time in CFL history”. Per the Daily Hive, Edmonton also set “a North American professional sports record for most consecutive home losses at 21”. [Googles awful seasons in NFL (Detroit and Cleveland), and of Texas high school football]. Checks out.
BC vs. Winnipeg :
PICK: Winnipeg
RESULT: Winnipeg 50 – 14 BC
Toronto vs. Calgary :
PICK: Toronto
RESULT: Upset! Calgary 20 – 7 Tirana
Montreal vs. Hamilton :
PICK: Montreal
RESULT: Montreal 27 – 14 Hamilton
Ottawa vs. Saskatchewan :
PICK: Saskatchewan
RESULT: Saskatchewan 26 – 24 Ottawa. Smrt pick tho.
WEEK 10 PREVIEWS
Winnipeg (6-2) vs. Edmonton (0-8), Thursday, August 10th, 9:00 PM EDT (TSN, CBSSN, CFL+):
The Elks will start QB Tre Ford for this one. This will be the first game by the Ontario native. Ford was drafted 8th overall by Edmonton last year and had a 40-yard time of 4.45 at the 2022 University of Buffalo pro day.
PICK: 🚧🚨TRAP GAME🚨🚧 Winnipeg just dropped a 50-burger to a top-seated division rival. Going with the Elks and the rookie QB. Gimme anarchy.
Saskatchewan (4-4) vs. Montreal (4-3), Friday, August 11th, 7:30 PM EDT (TSN, CFL+):
Montreal QB Cody Fajardo injured his left shoulder last week against Hamilton and did not practice Tuesday. However, he’s expected to start on Friday. Per TSN, Fajardo has also spent most of the season playing through “an injured knee” and Montreal has allowed the second most sacks in the CFL (29).
PICK: Expo city all the way baybeh. My heart bleeds for veteran QBs running for their lives AND Fajardo happens to be a beautiful coast town in the east of Puerto Rico. Plus, I’m culturally bound to reject Roughriders.
Maestro: Respect the #Brand. Don’t make it about you.
Me:
I am posting on The Internet. Of course it’s about 🎶MEEEEEEEEEEE🎶
In sum, Montreal.
Calgary (3-5) vs. BC (6-2), Saturday, August 12th, 7:00 PM EDT (TSN, CBSSN, CFL+):
Per the Daily Hive item above, Calgary may also miss the playoffs for the first time in league history. The Stampeders can get back in the hunt with a win and loses by either the Roughriders or the Tri-Cats.
The Lions QB, Vernon Adams JR. has a left knee injury, but has been practiSing with a knee brace. (It’s not cultural appropriation, Maestro; it’s ambiance!) The item notes that backup QB Dane Evans did not practice on Tuesday, so Adams will start, barring catastrophes or The Fragility of Man.
PICK: i pick BC and offer some advice. The only Vernon Adams Sr. I saw on the web was an engineer on [🥱] LinkedIn. Drop the Jr., be your own man,* Vernon.
* Advice inapplicable to Marvin Gaye dad scenarios. Reference older than Maestro, ✔️ on MY list of “style and stuff”.
Ottawa (3-5) vs. Toronto (6-1), Sunday, August 13th, 7:00 PM EDT (TSN, CFL+):
Tirana’s QB Chad Kelly has an ankle injury but practiSed in full yesterday. The TSN item notes that Kelly played with Donks Woo! and the Clots.
On the otha hand, the Ottawa Sun has a litany of WRONG with the Redblacks, “last in each of the following:
Sacks allowed (33, while Toronto has just 10), passing yards per game (204.5), passing touchdowns (three, while Winnipeg has 17), completions of 30 or more yards (six, by comparison Winnipeg has 21), average yards per play (5.16), opponent passing yards (314.6) and 30-plus-yard completions by an opponent (20).”
PICK: Yeah, Imma play the DFO hits on this one: fuck Tirana, REDBLACKS.
BYE: Hamilton (3-5)
Last Monday, there was a “mutual agreement” between the Tiger-Cats and offensive coordinator Tommy Condell to get professionally away from each other. Which is great CFL material. But I will nawt spoof with an extremely apologetic exit interview. That would be caricature. Plus it’s very hard to recreate the most Canadian tradition of venomoUs passive aggression:
“Senior assistant coach Scott Milanovich” will call plays henceforth.
STANDINGS AND STATS
East Division Standings
| Team | Games | Wins | Losses | Points For | Points Against |
| Toronto | 7 | 6 | 1 | 224 | 144 |
| Montreal | 7 | 4 | 3 | 158 | 143 |
| Hamilton | 8 | 3 | 5 | 160 | 224 |
| Ottawa | 8 | 3 | 5 | 176 | 184 |
West Division Standings
| Team | Games | Wins | Losses | Points For | Points Against |
| Winnipeg | 8 | 6 | 2 | 240 | 161 |
| BC | 8 | 6 | 2 | 196 | 144 |
| Saskatchewan | 8 | 4 | 4 | 164 | 202 |
| Calgary | 8 | 3 | 5 | 190 | 199 |
| Edmonton | 8 | 0 | 8 | 105 | 212 |
Passing Yards
- Collaros, WPG – 2292
- Maier, CGY – 2077
- Fajardo, MON – 1877
Passing TDs
- Collaros, WPG – 16
- Adams, Jr., BC – 9
- Kelly, MON – 9
Rushing Yards
- Oliveira, WPG – 593
- Mills, CGY – 483
- Ouellette, TOR – 427
Receiving Yards
- Bane, SSK – 615
- Schoen, WPG – 610
- Mack, MON – 601
Defensive Tackles
- Awe, CGY – 62
- Dean, SSK – 53
- Thurman, HAM – 48
Sacks
- Betts, BC – 10
- Jefferson, WPG – 8
- Leonard, EDM – 6
Interceptions
- Houston, WPG – 6
- Dandridge, OTT – 4
- Daniel, TOR – 4
Field Goals
- Ward, OTT – 26
- Paredes, CGY – 24
- Whyte, BC – 22
PICK POOL
Remember to submit your picks here! https://www.pooltracker.com/join.asp?poolid=221760
| Rank | Total Points | Weekly Score | Win Percentage |
| BC Dick | 28 | 2-2 | 80.00% |
| WCS | 25 | 3-1 | 71.43% |
| The Maestro | 24 | 3-1 | 68.57% |
| SonOfSpam | 23 | 2-2 | 65.71% |
| Mr. Ayo | 23 | 3-1 | 65.71% |
| Steel & Fury, Balls O’ | 23 | 1-3 | 65.71% |
| Game Time Decision | 22 | 2-2 | 62.86% |
| blaxabbath | 21 | 0-4 | 67.74% |
| Litre_cola | 21 | 2-2 | 60.00% |
| BugEyedBoo | 20 | 2-2 | 57.14% |
| Gumbygirl | 19 | 1-3 | 54.29% |
| Tank Bricklayer | 5 | 0-4 | 16.13% |
| TheRevanchist | 2 | 0-4 | 5.71% |
Bof. BC Dick: bowler, curler, soothsayer. Bravo.
UPDATE: The table is updated. And I put my picks in too.
| Rank | Total Points | Weekly Score | Win Percentage |
| Don T | 0 | 0-0 | 00.00% |
I’m vested, baby!
Finally, JK Maestro, about “#Brand.” and stuff. I know you’d never punctuate after a hashtag. Have a blast in non-air conditioned Europe!
Enjoy the games, everyone.
Building on the Schitt’s Creek discussion, some other shows where you have to warn folks about grinding through S1 before things really catch fire:
Parks & Recreation
Community (first 4-5 episodes)
Justified (the 3-4 episodes after the genius pilot episode)
Then there are the inverses, 1 great season followed by a yuuuuuuuge dropff:
Friends
The Walking Dead
Dexter (had 3-4 great seasons, to be fair – but the last several were so very putrid)
Shameless started out well, but I couldn’t finish it. I stopped caring when the characters constantly made the wrong choices and never grew
My brother loved that show and kept badgering me to watch it. Then the last 2-3 seasons happened and he told me not to bother.
although, counterpoint, Emmy Rossum
Thank you FOAR featruring a shoulder there!
The League was absolutely fantastic for the first four or five seasons, too. Not so much the last few.
Verily the Dexter of comedy!
The new Justified, at least through 3 episodes, is tremendously disappointing. I have no great urge to continue with it.
I have it sitting in my DVR, like a dare from the universe.
TNG/DS9 are a bit rough a season and change in, but are worth it. SG-1 was iffy up to the end of the first season.
I am the only commentist here AND the only engineer that I know that dislikes any and all Star Treks.
… nothing wrong with that. In fact, that’s actually normal as the more you know how the world works, the more stupidity you see in Star Trek. Plus, the Federation were stagnant space commies, so there’s that too.
I’m an engineer (sort of) and I…don’t really dislike Star Trek, I’ve just never invested any time in watching enough of it to form an opinion.
Same with Dr. Who.
“I’m an engineer too! Thomas the Tank Engine said so!”
-E. Manning
I kinda like most Trek pre-reboot (never seen TOS, wish I’d never seen Voyager), but since I was always technically inclined I tended to disregard the technobabble and occasional factoid since the (and this a trope) – SciFi writers have no sense of scale. That and the idea that space-faring races could travel at fantastical speeds, yet be restricted to fighting at way closer ranges than WW1 naval actions
ie – the Enterprise-D’s power plant’ max output was something along the lines of 5 000 000 TerraWatt, lol.
True Blood was fun for a while. And lots of gratuitous nudity.
TRUE HIPPO STORY – I used to be able to perfectly say Sookie! in Vampire Bill voice.
lol yes that happened many times in this house too
Apparently, AI is not waiting until Skynet is fully implemented to start killing all humans.
“A New Zealand supermarket experimenting with using AI to generate meal plans has seen its app produce some unusual dishes.
One recipe it dubbed “aromatic water mix” would create chlorine gas. The bot recommends the recipe as “the perfect nonalcoholic beverage to quench your thirst and refresh your senses”. “Serve chilled and enjoy the refreshing fragrance,” it says, but does not note that inhaling chlorine gas can cause lung damage or death.
New Zealand political commentator Liam Hehir posted the “recipe” to Twitter, prompting other New Zealanders to experiment and share their results to social media. Recommendations included a bleach “fresh breath” mocktail, ant-poison and glue sandwiches, “bleach-infused rice surprise” and “methanol bliss” – a kind of turpentine-flavoured french toast.”
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/aug/10/pak-n-save-savey-meal-bot-ai-app-malfunction-recipes
Bender would be proud….
look, humanity’s got it coming. Let’s just test the prototype on Putin’s inner circle, ok?
Yeah, I’m OK with this. The people who will consume the results of these recipes probably aren’t doing much more than take up space here anyway.
AI generated “food” challenges is the new Tide Pod challenge, which was the new Project Badass, which was the new jumping bikes over your friends lying on the ground, which was the new eating live gold fish.
Same dumbassness, new and different coat of danger.
Bleach- infused rice surprise pairs nicely with horse dewormer, in Maga land.
Found out about “no AC in Europe” and was displeased. Especially in Germany, where it didn’t dip much below 80 at night and there was zero breeze.
Also, Europeans don’t seem to know about ice. Strange place, full of cathedrals and whatnot.
My wife got sent to Dusseldorf for work. She’s not a beer drinker, and they brought her a glass of Coke with no ice. She asked for ice, and they gave her a piece of ice that looked like it was chiseled out of the freezer.
yeah, “looked like”
Yeah, asking for ice for your drink is akin to asking for a handjob from the waiter’s mother.
“Pfff. Rookies.”
— Bill B., MA
[isn’t 100% sure whether he’s ever done that] – Zach Wilson, trying to remember whether any of his BYU teammates had ever worked as a waiter
No AC in Central and Western Europe, Spain, Italy and especially the Balkans have long since deemed that a basic necessity. In all fairness, shifting climate and insane restrictions on what can you do with slightly older housing means that AC’s yet to become commonplace in France, Krautia and the like… Of course, it’s not helped that electricity’s costing an arm and a dick there too these days (Fuck you, Greens!*). On the bright side, you also don’t get mosquito nets as well in those places to make your stay there even more draining 😀
*Before someone jumps in to defend those arseholes – a bit of context. The same Greens replaced cheap and safe nuclear power in the land of overhyped Panzers in favour of coal-fired plants (that ironically produce more nuclear contamination than NPPs) and are attempting to restart coal mining as well.
Yeah, the European Greens hangup about nuclear power is a real problem/blind spot and why I’d probably vote cenrte or even centre-right block as a EuroHippo
I’m not a huge fan of nuclear power, but I am less of a fan of cooking the planet with coal. As long as we can develop a safe way to store nuclear waste, (my personal favorite right now is “anywhere in Wyoming and the Dakotas, because those places aren’t real”), that’s certainly the way to go over coal.
Exactly this…the problem with nuclear power is the “eh, just put it wherever” attitude with the waste. Solve that, and I’m all in.
There’s plenty of places where people can’t (or at least shouldn’t) live, and where food isn’t (or shouldn’t be) grown. Just need a big federal “condemnation” action, it’s much less painful than any other climate/energy solution I’ve heard.
By God that sounds like Derby, CT’s music!!!
One of the optimal storage solutions is Nevada’s old nuclear test sites. There are plenty of blast-caverns there that can handle the world’s nuclear waste for centuries, with the added bonus of keeping those safely away from “other concerned parties” 😉
Well, someone hasn’t seen The Hills Have Eyes!
I liked the solution presented in Infinite Jest – just force Canada to annex some territory and catapult all our waste out there.
You realize that proper nuclear waste storage for a country the size of the US (or Russia, or EUrostan) takes up less space than a single coal mine (especially open-air ones), right? Or that you can actually recycle a lot of nuclear “waste” to be further used to generate power?
Now, if you want a valid argument against nuclear power is that the worst-case failure mode of nuclear reactors (though ironically, this affects Russian plants less, since basically everything but the last RBMK-type plants are made to *literally* keep after a near miss from a nuke) is worse than any coal/gas power plant.
The real scary element in any and all post-Pootin Russkievillie is all that crap just there for the taking.
You mean the 90s? Yeah, mate, those are the reason why Post-Putin ain’t happening despite our best attempts to trigger that scenario. Plus, given the West’s general track record (we keep fighting against a string of “the enemy of our enemy” since fucking Korea), anything post-Putin will be less Yeltsin 2.0 and more Stalin 2.0 (and one that may be tempted to use the bomb first while they have a technological edge in ABMs and first-strike platforms).
I’m still holding out hope using MOX fuel and breeder tech to convert weapons grade plutonium to fuel, but that’s turned out to be a bit of a boondoggle, thus far…
If BC Dick had another vice he would be up a bunch of money worshipping Gamblor this term.
A Maestro – Don T mash up. What late summer fun!
It’s a sandwich!
Oh I see what happened last week! I thought we were supposed to pick the LOSERS.
Must have thought we were selecting GOP cadidates.
That’s been my theory all season! I really should start reading the fine print.
I am told I would love Schitt’s Creek. On what platform is said show potentially available to one?
It’s on this new invention called “tee vee”
The Hulus! Loved Schitt’s Creek.
My tv is a Panasonic and picks it up pretty well when i have the dial to Ch. 3.
Stetsasonic is what ah suggest FOAR the hip-hop fans (ppl forget that)
Even without wiggling the rabbit ears?
I’m told one must power through the mixed bag of season 1 to get to the real gold.
That’s what I was told. I started Season 1, saw Chris Elliot and checked right out. Can’t stand his schtick.
It’s a character made to annoy, like Colin Robinson in WWD… Shadows. But Elliot is overtly disgusting, which can work for a mayor.
Shadows is brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
That’s fair. I was hooked on my second try. The first coupla episodes are just “disgraced and entitled rich folks flopping”, but man does it get very, very funny and awesome.
https://youtu.be/Fa2x1j-InuA
Yes, this is correct.
Very much enjoyed the entire run.
A Puerto Rican writing about Canadian football? What’s next, an Irishman writing about how to properly season food?
This place used to have standards.*
*That’s not true. We’ve never had standards. Or pants.
Full disclosure: written with robe, pantsless.
“THIS IS ALSO HOW I GO THROUGH MY DAY AS A CONSTITUTIONAL LAW EXPERT!”
– Craig Robertson
AS GOD HIMSELF INTENDED!
That’s a good point, are there any classic artistic depictions of God wearing pants? There don’t seem to be:
“I drew a butt!”
— God
Look at the angle. He’s clearly looking down St. Catherine of Sienna’s blouse and drawing what he sees.
You are correct, my bad.
No, no, a healthy discussion of God’s perversions is what DFO is for!
Well, if you believe in the Holy Trinity…
“TIME TO ACT, PATRIOT!”
– Craig Deleeuw* Robertson
* I believe the pronunciation is just the initial ‘W’, which he probably gave himself in 2004 to let the world know John Kerry was a ‘queersexual negro’, and explains the severely misspelled middle initial/name.
Robertson’s theories about Kerry are as full of holes as he is, and America’s a better place for that.
More like ‘murrican-Irish writing about properly seasoning food. Us Irish (yes, even imported Eastern European ones) actually eat well seasoned food now – Italian, Indian, Mexican… everything but Irish as we leave that for our nostalgic norte americano cousins… and for tourists that decide to “be Irish” for a fortnight. It’s the same people we sell our
carbonated pissGuinness to.I always remember The Onion doing a chart on the history of food, or something similar.
3,000 BC. The Irish discovery boiling as a method of food preparation
Dunno ’bout the bad old days, since I’ve only moved to OYreland at least a century into the curry age so I’ve never had to subsist on genuine Irish cuisine. My national service in the old country gave me a close analogue that gave me an appreciation of how far one can stretch the meaning of “food fit for human consumption”. For context – after 6 months of that even the Vomelette and the Four Fingers of Death (which’d been phased out for almost a decade at that point) felt good 😀
How would you like to battle your insomnia with a regular of “Batshit But True Stories from bk109’s Life” DFO column? I’d read the shit out of it.
I’m not sure that I’ve got that many pleasant-ish memories from being in uniform with a training mishap is one of the reasons why I’ve got chronic insomnia (and another being that time we had to drive some MT-LB’s through a wildfire to pull out some villagers) and the rest of my life being mostly boring – working part or full-time since 12, so I could earn my happy (or at least non-shitty) “ever after”.
On the plus side – I’ve reached almost Russian levels of no fucks given (including convincing my wife that A&E is for pussies while removing a couple of nails from my shoulder blade after the X-mas Eve nail gun incident of ’18)
Sure, tickle our bollocks with a “nail gun incident” teaser, then pretend your life is too dull to write about!
What’s interesting in wifey losing her footing on a step ladder and accidentally tagging me with the Makita when she picked the wrong hand to try and prop herself? I’ve being hurt worse working in IT. Admittedly, that included a live 3-phase cable that some moron left on a cable run, a 15 foot (5 meter, but can’t be arsed to properly convert to freedom units) drop and the most tedious series of talks with HR and H&S in my life
I’m going to the Home Depot right now for a nail gun! I already have a ladder.
Why not? The DFO faithful will help you find a plausible explanation on why you had to nail down decorations. Don’t forget to get Gumby(boy?) some long nose pliers (I’d suggest Knipex if they’re on sale) to give him a fighting chance in getting the 16ga nails out 😉
your ‘merican Guinness being carbonated piss statement (agreed, btw) reminded me of this lil bit. An oldie but a goodie…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQzu14TKi3k
“PUSSY!!”
Why didn’t Larry write this?
No cell reception that deep in Regina?
Balls Deep in the Regina With Larry!
No cell reception in Regina
FIFY