First thing I should mention is that I hope our brethren on the Leftest of Coasts have buckled down the hatches and are as safe from harm as is possible. Perhaps you’ll think twice this winter when I complain about my penis falling off (again! So many re-attachments!) in frigid weather. Seriously, stay safe.
Should you be leaning into your masochistic side today you can watch 12 hours of football with no breaks whatsoever. (If you’d peeked at Jags/Lions) The other footy is quite available to you as well with Man City playing Newcastle. Will Haaland (yawn) score another doublet? Probably. Let me run down the games but only in a ‘these teams are playing’ manner.
To the Games!
Fins/Texans: Houston made quite the splash at the draft and then was promptly forgotten about again. I hope they’re on the road to relevancy because one can’t usually stand to see a hobo get kicked over and over again no matter how funny it is initially.
Bills/Steelers: Buffalo redid it’s backfield hoping to improve their run game but will it work? I’ve got some thoughts about this but will save it for my Giants preview.
Bears/Colts: Taylor is freefalling in all the fantasy drafts featuring the sharks on the Sirius fantasy channel. I’m doubtful he’ll be around on the opening weekend.
Bucs/Jets: Has Baker won the job over Trask? I don’t care.
Pats/Packers: Hey Green Bay, Bill can tell you all about the hard times that can befall you after a Hall of Fame tosser (UK definition to be used here please) has left the city.
Titans/Vikes: Levis is out so Willis is going to play the entire game, according to ESPN. This has ‘potential disaster’ written all over it-say a prayer for Don T.
Chiefs/Cards: Arizonny is the team most likely to have the fewest wins this year. How’s that albatross of a qb contract feeling right now?
Broncos/49’ers: Where have you gone, Courtland Sutton?
Raiders/Rams: Another team, another rb being treated like a piece of dog feces on the bottom of a Gucci loafer. In the Raiders case the footwear is most likely some Sketchers picked up at The Goodwill.
Cowboys/Seahawks: Such late game. Me no watch.
Have at it folks.
New thread!
Inter Miami just won the Leagues cup on penalties, with the kicks going all the way to the goalies. Thanks to that bro who streamed the game on TicTok!
Pet peeves: put the gotdamn lid back on the pot/pan you just dished food out of instead of leaving it on the counter; put the spoon or utensil back on the spoon holder instead of it dripping all over the counter; clean up the bits of food you spilled dishing out your food including closing any condiments/cheese.
Especially do all of the above when it’s not your fucking house.
This fucking guy!
This guy!
Truth.
Oh fuck. Pats player just got carted off with a presumed neck injury. They just called off the rest of the game.
That’s not good
I think you meant FAHK!
https://i.giphy.com/media/5YhFFUFq6ZTry/giphy.webp
I have arrived. You may now commence with praise.
Welcome back!
Hello handsome! I love this time of year, when our football snowbirds come back.
They should collect all these pre-season player nobodies and construct a whole new league of teams out of them, that play in lesser cities to lesser audiences, perhaps during the NFL off season. They could call it: The League With Guys Who Weren’t Quite Good Enough.
This idea is so crazy, it might just work
https://postimg.cc/DmYfj9df
Sharkbait 2.0 is drinking, it’s only natural that I should not let him drink alone right?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4E9ydw_aDMg&list=PLFi9V6EFsFImuaVHJA2g3mChHkS6g51Yj&index=3&ab_channel=Thergothon1
You’re a good father.
Watching the Heaux game. How do you become the smelling salt bro??
HOX!
Finish him!
Man I forgot how borderline insufferable pre season broadcasts are.
These pre-season sideline interviews are more of a waste of oxygen than usual.
Minshew grew a full beard?! We are living in a dystopia.
Indiana has this weird shit in the water where it makes men look more intimidating while actually lowering their testosterone
He is an absolute beauty.
That used to be illegal in Turkmenistan
To be fair, Turkmenistan would have outlawed certain elements in the atmosphere if was possible.
Even Truthbiscuit found a pair before Tomlin told him to hit the showers.
Man, the ‘Stros are butt.
Also butt:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tm4a7eBz2w
I remember watching that live. The commentators just busted out laughing. They couldn’t hold it together.
Joe Judge is listed as an assistant head coach for the Pats this year. If I’m not mistaken, in his circumstance, he’s failing sideways, just like all white fellas in job bubbles.
/checking thru the tv channels
Brain: “Cool! I get Pats/Packers.”
Also Brain: “Guh! I get the Pats and the Packers?”
A lot of the yinzers were saying that Connor Heyward was a neppo-pick, but damn, the kid just goes out and makes plays…
lunchpail hardowkrng no days off
bigbro thatwill kickyourass
BLEERGH is getting his preseason reps in Yinzburgh, too.
Peezy Junior with the pick. Lord help the Bungles if this kid is like his dad.
Meanwhile, in the ____shirt household…
(artist’s rendering)
(love the irony of “What’s New Pussycat” being the music during this scene)
We only gave you permission to put in those cameras for private use!!!
LIL PEEZY!!!!!
Last year Mailk Willis was terrible bad omg [looks away in disgust]
Preseason reports is he’s much improved. I like this. More reps, good. TEN making preseason 2 the Malik Willis Trade Showcase, fine too.
Oh yeah, I’m already on midseason resignation form. Din’t mean to brag #Saurrie
Will you burn down a Burger King when they trade King Henry for a sixth-round pick to the Clots?
I’m not so sure he’s worth that much anymore.
El Tractorcito still has some gas in the tank.
with respect,
https://youtu.be/sX0CbA4718A
Dude. He has at least 1 and 1/3 good seasons left in those legs!
Over the next 3 years?
Two. Max.
MINSHEW MANIA AT THE GRAVY BOAT! THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE!
DRUNK ON GRAVY
I’m spending 4 days in that boat in April next.
There’s an eclipse you see.
Damar gets a standing ovation from the Yinzers after making a tackle. That wasn’t awful of us.
They’d throw AEDs at him in Philly.
“Buffalo with their deepest penetration, here…”
Unlike my vasectomy, the Stillers defense held them scoreless.
Alex Highsmith really looks like he could be the next Jason Gildon or Levon Kirkland, so cue the season-ending Achilles’ rupture in 3..2…1…
Spam’s daughter has to come home early tonight. That’s a lot of lost revenue for his family-does anyone want to start a GoFundMe to make up the difference?
Kind of you to ask, but my OnlyFans is what puts beer in the fridge.
Same here.
“Give me money, or I’ll take off my clothes.”
I should try that.
Release The Truthbiscuit!!!
Artemis loves Truthbiscuit!
…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand theres the punt
another 3 & out tho’ Noice! Woo Lil Peezy!!
…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand theres the other punt.
Thought you might be able to relate to this on a couple of levels.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtVKz0rv4cg&ab_channel=LedZeppelin
What, the craving of the release that only sweet, sweet, heroin can give? Yeah, there’s that. What’s the other level?
3rd and 28? pre-NFL BLITZ!
“Y’know, if we got rid of one cylinder we could save millions every year!”
-Future CEO
Also, lets make it a hybrid, so it’ll only last 80,000 miles.
Oh no, this is a British engine. There’s a reason British engines have over 12,000 parts. Here’s the sleeve valve arrangement for each vertical cylinder pair:
The Napier Sabre H-24
That seems excessive.
THE ‘MUTH ISTH LOOOTH!!!!!
stillers ganta superbowl
(checks score)
Oh, God. I’m gotta call off work on Monday. One of my coworkers is a Yinzer Who Has Ascended beyond a Yinzer. She’s gonna be insufferable.
All us Yinzers, everywhere…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxfYB-Kvq5o
Not going to lie, the guy in the foreground at 0:15 looks like my uncle around that time and age…
(2024 Presidential Debate prediction)
Republican: “There is no evidence of Climate Change.”
Democrat: “California is getting hit with Tropical Storm, you Conservative Ostrich!”
(Redshirt, pictured during the 2024 Vice Presidential Debate, artist’s rendering)
Me as Grimey pretty much describes my relationship with politics since 2010.
Southern California is being hit with a hurricane as punishment for its sinful hedonism and other awesomeness.
Ben Shapiro certainly isn’t responsible for any of the flooding.
No, but I am. Yet I’m not even there . . .
Fox News Coverage:
Libs PWNED at Debate, Resort to Avian Namecalling
They should play these preseason games after the season, instead, to allow the backups to showcase themselves for free agency.
/I just saw Prison Girlfriend roll his eyes
The first thought that came to me?
PG: “The County Commissioner again? That’s three times this week!”
So far it’s just getting overcast. The store was fucking packed but I got shit done.
They’re evacuating Catalina which is unnerving.
We’ll see.
The house is fully stocked with supplies and I’m currently cooking what will be the season finale of Sunday Gravy.
All is calm at 2:30 California time.
Anaheim is currently cloudy and mellow.
Beers are chilled.
Daughter has reluctantly agreed to come home at a decent hour tonight.
[angrily throws down clipboard]
– Mark Sanchez
[Matt Gaetz slides into DMs]
You can follow the forecast cone here:
https://www.nhc.noaa.gov/refresh/graphics_ep4+shtml/174308.shtml?cone#contents
“This is bullshit, when am I getting that ice cream cone you promised ”
–Andy Reid
“I had my forecast cone snipped off shortly after I was born.”
-T. Green
“And I helped!”
-T. Tebow
Hey, are you in northern Ontario and you need a few sandwich platters for a funeral or a 50th wedding anniversary? Mrs. scotchnaut is your go-to caterer. Do you need anything beyond salmon and/or tuna? Screw that noise. Her conditions are very specific.
-must need at least two days notice
-no condiments beyond mustard or mayo
-diced onions cost extra*
-do you want the crusts cut off? GFY!
-if you don’t drop off the platter the day after the event there will be hell to pay
-won’t do any bread other than Wonderbread because she knows her audience
*kidding, she does all this for free for all her extended family members on a regular basis
Despite the stringent conditions, I still very much want one of those sandwich platters right now.
Does she deliver?
Tua seems to be entering pre-season already concussed.
Back’s already flaring up?
Like the old song says, the spine bone is connected to the pia matter, the pia matter is connected to the sideline tent.
The sideline tent is connected to the…passed-the-concussion-protocol-button…
Welp, it looks like someone hacked the Governor of Florida’s twitter account:
https://twitter.com/GovRonDeSantis/status/1692883659466948622
Or … y’know, election season has begun? Also, ‘ello y’all on this
finedayWe stand ready to help the people of California in any way we can-it doesn’t matter if we have to ban books, attack amusement park owners, strip funding from schools-we’ll do anything it takes to defeat this storm!
Though we thoroughly oppose the demonization of the Radical Left and the Fake New Media as they all know that Gov. DeSantis is the only candidate who can singlehandedly defeat Hilary and all her tropical cycle disciples.
And by the way, where are all the missing reports of the warm weather fronts? WE DEMAND ANSWERS!