But Alex, I hear you saying. You are not a large, water-dwelling mammal. We know this. But Alex! If the review isn’t written in Hippo-ese, it could be readable to the general populace, causing untold societal and psychological damage! The everyman is not intended to consume Broncos content at this concentration, it’s too toxic! Yes, yes, we know this. Put on your hazmat suit and dance the Blucifer, ‘cuz if Broncos fans can’t escape these truths, neither can you.

Let’s start by taking a whiff of last years’ Broncos.

Oh. Oh, no. Sweet mother of Baby Cthulhu, that is rancid! What kind of nuclear catastrophe, late-night Taco Bell shart, Habanero-gravel anal lube, fermented ball sweat-scented car air freshener was last season? By week 3, Broncos Country had lost its collective mind and started eating the paste directly out of the jar. After getting hyped all off-season, we treated the world to some of the worst on-field product ever put to television. Even after trading the farm for “future hall-of-famer” Russell Wilson, our best QB since Super Bowl 50 was STILL Trevor Siemian. Not even Mile High’s stickiest icky could dull the senses enough to make a Broncos game palatable.

Let’s be honest. We aren’t going to learn anything from the failed experiment of Nathaniel Hackett’s debut as an NFL head coach. There are too many variables to consider when trying to divine the cause of the ick. New HC Sean Payton perhaps said it best when he gaffed himself into this month’s news cycle, stating that last season’s problems were an “incrimination on the head coach, the GM, the president, and everybody else who watched it all happen…there’s 20 dirty hands, for what was allowed, tolerated…” Fair point. I don’t mind having a head coach that doesn’t try to scapegoat, and I have even less problem with a head coach that “forgets” to temper his words. The football world needed somebody in the Broncos org to tell the truth about last year, and our new coach did, whether he intended to or not.

Eugh, get me out of the last season talk. Let’s turn our attention to the current roster and schedule.

OFFENSE:

Three years ago I would’ve been hyped for this offense. Today I look over it with the same level of skepticism as a Chinese home buyer being offered a $41,680 gold bar to buy a condominium.

It’s no secret that with Sean Peyton at head coach, a few additions at OL, and a healthy RB room, the Broncos are going to be more run-focused this year. That said, few Broncos fans have any real faith in our offensive line. We do like some Javonte Williams, though, and Samaje Perine is a nice addition to the short passing game. Bottom line here: having a mature running game has been a key to Russell Wilson’s historical success, and our wide receivers can’t stay healthy, so I’m all for it.

Speaking of WRs, Jerry Jeudy is probably the most exciting Broncos draft pick in recent memory. His on-field work, though, has been lackluster. He looks like he’s going to be a world-beater until he drops the pass. I’ve never seen a man SO open, drop SO many passes. Of course, he just sustained a hamstring injury and will likely be out until as late as week 4, and we all know hamstring injuries tend to linger. Opposite him, Courtland Sutton is coming off his first off-season without injury rehab. It’s his last chance to justify his position on the roster. There’s a steep dropoff after these two on the depth chart. Marvin Mims Jr? He is a receiver. Kendall Hinton? He’s a Broncos legend for playing QB that one time when all our QBs were out (fellow Broncos legend and Colorado Kid Phillip Lindsay is actually credited with the start at QB for that game, fun fact) – but his gloves sitting in the Hall of Fame doesn’t make him more than a WR4-level talent.

Time to address the Quarterback position. Russell Wilson is not washed, I don’t care about last year. He’s clearly not the kind of talent that can cover up glaring issues outside his position, but in a stable situation I believe he can be a top 15 QB again. If he looks bad again this year, I plan to crawl into an unmarked grave and wait for my next life to watch football again.

DEFENSE:

Hmmmmm. In theory the Broncos defense is still a strong unit. Our linebackers are good on paper – Randy Gregory, Baron Browning, Josey Jewell are all solid players. The D-Line leaves plenty to be desired, though. In the secondary, things are looking good. Pat Surtain II is a breath of fresh air. Safeties Kareem Jackson and Justin Simmons are solid, and the addition of Kyle Fuller keeps things solid. All around, as long as we don’t force them stay on the field to to constant 3-and-outs, the defense should be a satisfactory, if not news-worthy, unit. For whatever reason, I’m concerned that the unit will under-perform.

I’m not a fan of Vance Joseph as a DC; he coaches for high-risk turnovers in the same way that Wade Phillips did, but it requires a level of offensive talent that can bail you out when you inevitably give up big plays when the risk doesn’t go your way. I don’t think we’re there, so I’m not going to feel safe until I see solid performances. We threw Vance out like two seasons ago; why is he back?

SPECIAL TEAMS:

I’m on record saying that Brandon McManus was a diva kicker who wanted to chase long-distance fame in Mile High. He was part of the Super Bowl teams’ identity and was a safety blanket for a few years, so fans will surely feel bad about losing him. It makes it worse that his replacement, Brett Maher, made a fool of himself last season by missing 4 extra points in a single game (no other kicker since the stat started being tracked in 1934 has missed more than 2 in a game). A weathered fan will accept that outlier performances, both good and bad, have a tendency to over-color perception of kickers in this league, and while we might be victims of confirmation bias a couple times this season, we aren’t likely to see much of a shift in production from the position this year. Remember – if kicking is exciting, something is wrong with your football team.

COACHING:

We’re miles from where we’ve been the last 6 years at Head Coach. Sean Peyton has a solid track record with only a few question marks. Can he succeed without Drew Brees? Probably. Is he too checked out after having been retired for a year? Probably not. Is he the only missing piece we needed to become a playoff team? Almost certainly not. But I’m happy to have a big-name HC to lend legitimacy to the team and enforce discipline in the locker room and on the practice field.

Last year I wrote a piece of horror micro-fiction where Vance Joseph was slated to return at Head Coach for the Broncos. Lo and behold, here he is as DC. I know players love him and he seems like a great guy, but I’m not ready to forgive him for failing to live up to wildly inappropriate, astronomically high expectations. We could’ve had Kyle Shanahan instead of him, and I’m not over it. He might be having the time of his life, but I’m still chanting Fire Vance Joseph. On the bright side, at least we’re making Wednesday practice great again.

Joe Lombardi is a perfectly serviceable OC, and with Sean Peyton calling most of the plays he will have less on his plate than when he was with the Chargers. He’ll fill more of an assistant role for Coach Peyton, just as he did when the two saw success together in New Orleans. I’m happy with the stability and familiarity there, and I’m not expecting miracles – just consistent improvement.

THE NARRATIVE:

The Broncos are going to be boring again this year, but it’ll be an improved kind of boring. Instead of being last season’s once-in-a-lifetime trainwreck that even announcers couldn’t pretend to enjoy, we will probably be treated to the kind of football that doesn’t get media coverage. I’m hopeful for a winning season but I’m not expecting playoffs. It takes a lot of talent to win in the AFC, let alone the AFC West. We are not that kind of team yet, but we have a chance to not be the worst team in the division (looking at you, Raiders!).

If I’m being honest with myself, I prefer exciting bad to boring good. I want the Broncos to be in the news, so even last year I had a great time as a fan because people couldn’t stop talking about our horrible team. I’m bracing myself for a lot less drama this year, and I’ll try to enjoy stable football. Whatever the case, please join me this season for a weekly game review series where I pretend that everything that happens in the NFL is because of aliens. Until week 1, I’ve been your host Alex_Demote and I’d like a beer and a nap.