“At Bloody Long Last!” Your Very First Real Game of the 2023/24 Season

I feel the same way every year-excited to see the season running on all cylinders (much like Brick) and a wee bit anxious, knowing I’ve got so many of these intros to write up. Whatever, focus on the positive, Scotchy.

I do enjoy very much watching the players and am continually stunned at the physical ability that they possess. I love the strategizing, the in-game decisions made that create differing outcomes. (Hippo has a sixth sense about this) And of course I love Hippo’s Monday morning breakdowns. The anticipation of knowing that the season will bring outrageous moments of all kinds deludes me into thinking that I can still feel things. That’s important!

Squidgy Bits:

-Kelly Stafford, the raging Id married to Matthew, said on a podcast that her husband was having trouble jelling with the young ‘uns on the team. So of course Matt has to address the media about it. Stir that pot woman, put your guy on the spot.

-The Raiders were more than a bit concerned about the mental health of Chandler Jones, to the extent that they sent a crisis team member to his house. Allaying all fears, Jones took to social media and shared this IN ALL CAPS FASHION. Everything is just ducky there.

-Good News! Jimmy Graham won’t be charged by the brave and concerned police of Newport Beach for having a “medical episode”. Back the Blue people.

To The Game!

Lions/Chiefs:

-The Over. Take It: The last time Goff and Mahomes threw down the final was a beefy 54-51 final in favor of the Rams.

-For those that have Kelce, his knee is a true game-timer so pay attention. Noah Gray’s family members completely deny that the pushpins in their possession are being used for anything but the hemming of pants. Why, that doll looks nothing like Travis anyway!

-Jahmyr Gibbs (why the ‘h’?) is reaching for the sky, saying that his goal this year is 1,000 yds rushing and 500 receiving. Only McCaffrey reached those totals last year but Gibbs does have very fresh wheels.

-The Chiefs have scored no less than 33 points in their opening game since Patty wandered over center. Plus, Andy’s record is quite impressive when he’s had seven months to prepare.

-Prediction Time: Kadarius Toney will limp off the field at some point.

-Prediction Time 2: Justyn Ross of K.C. will score a TD, justifying my selection of him in Hippo’s “Math Hurts!” league. (no, I’m not playing him)

Have at it!

5 4 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
522 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Gatoraids

Henne should be banging on a tambourine the drum equivalent of a check down

jjfozz

my wife just said that Travis Kelce is cute. time for divorce court.

Spur

Oh Military team. Wonder how much the NFL charged for that color guard? Guess that means its ok for an reporters to ask the players and coaches how they feel about Tuberville holding up promotions.

fleshwound_NPG

still wild that titanic dipshit has a 3-2 record against saban

Smithchez

Gents.

King Hippo

PRODIGAL SON WOO

jjfozz

What fucking lunatic just sung the national anthem?

Gatoraids

Reporting to my post. Thank you all for keeping this site running another year, thats good hustle.

LemonJello

Stretch a little before diving into posting, you don’t want to go on IR in week one.

Doktor Zymm

So, Kelce is out and in Freezer vodka league I didn’t draft another TE and can’t pick one up cuz all players are on waivers until Saturday. Well done Yahoo! 😂

Spur

Where’s Redshirt? I need him to explain Gym Jordan to me. How do the Ohioans think its ok this is piss ant reps them?

Brocky

Once you can convince a racist that you have their best interests at heart, you can do anything.

That’s not hyperbole. Trump literally raped a woman and his poll numbers went up

Redshirt

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuqIUM0Q9VE&pp=ygUYc2lsZW50IGJvYiBpIGdvdCBub3RoaW5n

It’s Rural Ohio. The most powerful Congressman in Ohio represents an area whose tallest building is probably five stories.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fun fact: “Five stories” is how many it took to get Eli to sleep after Olivia made the mistake of letting him watch Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Spur

lovely

clint greasewood

Most Gerrymandered district in the 4th most gerrymandered state.

Doktor Zymm

Politics is weird. Like how no one seems to care about Tuberville compromising national security by preventing any promotions going through

Redshirt

I’m still wondering how Congress is involved in the military…also how we’ve won five wars with two draws.

LemonJello

Matt Stafford and Andy Reid already have it on pre-order.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Protests that disrupt sporting events (tennis in this case) are just the most irritating things. Please let this be a P.E.T.A. thing so that I can justify eating a dozen steaks tomorrow.

Spur

Andy Reid’s “Delayed Meal Season” has begun

Redshirt

Hey, I won’t be home for another 75 minutes. Can someone tell them to hold up until I’m there?

LemonJello

With all the added bullshit in this pregame, you may not miss anything.

litre_cola

When does the sacrificial virgin come out?

Redshirt

I told you, 9:30!

Brocky

Always nice to see Gracie Hunt

Spoiler

comment image

comment image

LemonJello

Collinsworth got into Trumps makeup, it seems.

jjfozz

And my dog is still weird

comment image

Brocky

I I’ll never forget coming home from school one day to see my big Rottweiler mix sunning herself on a table we had set up in the basement

LemonJello

MUST.SHOUT.LOUDER.

-Director to the vapid gasbags in front of the camera

jjfozz

What I did this summer . . .

comment image

LemonJello

Nice pool.

Brocky

comment image

fleshwound_NPG

“We’ll help lower that coverage for you just a tad.”

-Leafs in April

Spur

low energy kids. step it up.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Wish I had one of those.” – Olivia Manning

ballsofsteelandfury

For all the folks that are checking in for the first time after the long off-season, should we do a handy “Here’s what we did last summer” to get them up to speed?

Here’s my list:

1) RTD’s wife LOVES vacuuming
2) Horatio had a sex dwarf named Lowratio
3) BFC traveled the world and attended important sporting contests
4) Dok is on special assignment in Turkmenistán
5) I’ve started playing golf and writing about it.

Anything I missed?

litre_cola

DFO CON on an NFL Weekend in Vegas

litre_cola

It says it would put you 1 over the roster limit

litre_cola

Who do you want to drop?

litre_cola

Or, waivers are done the 9th

litre_cola

You have 4 guys on your bench. Bench is only 3 spots as was consensus last year.

litre_cola

14 team league, more activity, no kicker. I think that was the thought. We can adjust next year if it blows.

SonOfSpam

The Gumbys joined a cure.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The part about Rikki hijacking your golf columns to write about how he became a 2X Super Bowl Champion.

ArmedandHammered

Fantastic posts about the wacky world of War40k.

Horatio Cornblower

Had?

Gumbygirl

I’m having a glass of white wine, and I’m making a quiche like a fucking lady!

Gumbygirl

I am a drinking lightweight, but I am absofuckinglutely blazing it up at this here cotillion!

fleshwound_NPG

HUGE

herodotus450

Wait a second…

jjfozz

I fucking hate that guy, but I feel bad for him. Wait, I don’t. Fuck the Chiefs.

jjfozz

I drive to DC from Baltimore 3 days a week, and I can say, without a doubt, that people who drive Teslas should be dipped in motor oil and set on fire.

fleshwound_NPG

fortunately teslas have been known to do one of those things!

SonOfSpam

Those Dungys really hang around.

jjfozz

Hey Danny Masterson, enjoying getting railed in prison, you piece of shit.

SonOfSpam

But the victims were also Scientologists. Is assaulting a Scientologist even illegal?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When asked for comment, fellow Church of Scientology member Shelly Miscavige responded by making spooky ghost noises.

(because she was murdered, you see)

Last edited 1 year ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
litre_cola

Her and Waldo best hide and seek players right now. It’s a toss up for who is better.

Spur

Storing away the rights to calling a Goff INT a “Baby Buster’s Ball Bonkers”

SonOfSpam

comment image

jjfozz

Fozz Update, like you cretins give a shit:
Oldest Fozz Spawn has COVID
My father has dementia and was operated on yesterday
My mother and both sisters are fucking lunatics
But hey, I’m going to the Springsteen concert…OH WAIT I’M FUCKING NOT BECAUSE HE FUCKING CANCELLED

Going out back to drink a Drano cocktail

ballsofsteelandfury

Damn Fizzier! At least you have the Rave…. Never mind.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sorry to hear about your dad.

jjfozz

Thanks, it sucks. He’s not the guy who raised me.

herodotus450

Ah yes all the “Leaguers” coming back to DFO for concussion season. WHERE WERE YOU ALL IN MID-JUNE WHEN ALL WE HAD TO ENTERTAIN US WAS TWO STICKS WITH A DEAD FLY GLUED TO EACH END!

jjfozz

Well, if you must know I was out back digging a pool for my wife and kids, and when I wasn’t doing that, I was installing webcams in Siberia to try and record a real live Yeti. And when I had the spare time, I was advising Trump on what his next move should be.

LemonJello

And not so much as a fucking postcard to check in on us…

litre_cola

Well we are all sober Scientologists now. Hell of an offseason.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Please tell me you were the one who advised him to keep publicly denying having ever met E. Jean Carroll.

Gumbygirl

And we were damn grateful to have them!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…and Coco Gauff just tore out her opponent’s soul in front of a full stadium in Queens.

jjfozz

HOW IN THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK YOU FUCKING DOING BOYS?

King Hippo

Are you feeling Todd Monken this evening??

Gumbygirl

Fozzie! We have missed you!

jjfozz

I missed you guys, dealing with my family – who I’m about to completely disown – has stolen my life and depleted my energy.

King Hippo

Lookit Baby Buster, addressing the Fuck LioUns like he’s people!

yeah right

Welcome back football!!

Enjoy everyone, as per normal I’ll be working for the first hour or two of this one.

I will catch up on arrears when I get home.

jjfozz

Ha, “rears”.

LemonJello

FOZZ IS IN THE HOUSE, THIS IS NOT A GODDAMMED DRILL, PEOPLE!

Spur

Really curious to see how the year for KC goes with Bieniemy gone. All the talking heads are picking them to repeat but none are mentioning Bieniemy gone.

This might go down as a software vs hardware issue. KC now has great hardware running shit Windows ME.

Spur

I only have Vodka and chili dogs

King Hippo

(and hopefully name-brand terlet paper)

King Hippo

inshallah homey

Spur

i have some lemonade and ginger ale. but a vodka martini sounds good

Mr. Ayo

You sound ready to go!

King Hippo

You need BALANCE in your booze groups, taek care of that liver ppls!

litre_cola

Chefs – 4.5
AmonRa td
Gibbs Over 34.5

Only because you can’t bet on any Chefs props on the dumb maltese betting site.

King Hippo

You lost your good Canuckistani book?

litre_cola

They waited for the Kelce news.

Spur

Afternoon Folks

King Hippo

I am very glad that Hippo chose nap. Or more accurately, old age chose nap for Hippo.

Horatio Cornblower

“Hey, don’t forget us!!”

-Several pill bottles

Spur

comment image

fleshwound_NPG

the nfc north will never, ever be an easier take for the lions…so they are def gonna go 8-9 and either the vikes or the pack will win it by going 8-8-1

LemonJello

Kelce can take next week off, too. I’m sure he won’t be needed against the Jaguras.

LemonJello

Where are my manners?

HOW THE FUCK WE DOIN’ BOYS AND GIRLS?!!!!???

Gumbygirl

Ready!

Horatio Cornblower

Nothing says “turn on the baseball game” more than Chris Simms and his Howdy-Doody schtick showing up on my screen.

See you later NFL.

/Changes channel to see Carlos Rodon give up a 2-run HR to the second batter.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There’s always tennis!

Horatio Cornblower

Not for me. Disney and Spectrum continue fighting, precluding me from getting ESPN.

King Hippo

FITBAW – still, as EVAR…the pinnacle of human existence

fleshwound_NPG

still howling at michele tafoya throwing all this away to have a few hundred views a week on her karen youtube channel or something

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think I’ve seen it, the channel is called “I’d Like to Speak to the Manager Immediately”, right?

Horatio Cornblower

That has to be an all-timer in the Bad Decisions Hall of Fame.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Bad Idea has a new handbags line!

LemonJello

THIS PLACE, ARROWHEAD STADIUM, I CALL IT THE ROMAN COLISEUM BECAUSE WE MAY GET TO SEE SOME CHRISTIANS FED TO THE LIONS!

Horatio Cornblower

Jason Garrett, just now: “People have this misconception of Andy Reid as this grandfatherly type” when in reality he could barely pick his own children out of a line-up, something that has actually been relevant, let alone identify, or even be aware that he has, any grandchildren.

I may have added some of that in my head.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS ANDY REID I CALL HIM BRITT REID WHEN HE IS ABOUT TO GET BEHIND THE WHEEL OF AN AUTOMOBILE BECAUSE HE HAS VERY QUESTIONABLE AWARENESS.

fleshwound_NPG

THESE DEFENSES TONIGHT LEMME TELL YA I CALL THEM STARLINK BECAUSE THEYRE GONNA DISAPPEAR RIGHT BEFORE THE FIREWORKS COMMENCE

IMC-X.png
fleshwound_NPG

first footbaw here since the ksk days without having THAT platform on running in the background

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Kelly Stafford, the raging Id married to Matthew, said on a podcast that her husband was having trouble jelling with the young ‘uns on the team. So of course Matt has to address the media about it.

“This was all a big misunderstanding. I was just telling Kelly that I wanted more jelly. That’s all. To put on my cookies, it had nothing to do with rookies. This press conference is over.” – Matt Stafford, having checked his watch and seen that Little Caesar’s is now open

Last edited 1 year ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Gumbygirl

I would give him a pass for domestic violence. She needs her ass whooped.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, be more suble about it. For example, print up a placebo prescription for “brain medicine” and put in the the cabinet and when she questions where it came from, remind her that her neurologist prescribed it to her last week and ask if she’s been forgetting to take it.

LemonJello

“I wonder if that’ll get me second dinners?”
Fatt Sackford

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s our Matt, always working an angle. And it’s almost always an obtuse one.

King Hippo

the things she has washed out of the folds of his back, tho…

1 2 3 5