Welcome Lards and Lasses, are you as giddy in your shorts or PJ’s or yoga pants or whatever as I am? No doubt. It’s finally here, by the grace of Goodell. [tries to spit on ground, hits small girl in error]
Thoughts and prayers go out to Bama fans and fantasy players that took Kupp in the 2nd round. Yahoo dunked on yours truly because I reached for Ridley there but how do you like me know, unfeeling fantasy platform?
My prep for today’s shindig involved making chili yesterday and making the near superhuman effort (for me) of only having a few loving spoonfuls. It’s been percolating (wrong word but I like the connotation) in the fridge, getting better and better by the hour. Let me know what your pre-game actions are in the comments.
To The Games!
Texans/Ravens:
For better or worse, Demeco and Stroud’s fortunes are joined at the hip. There’s some interesting pieces to work with but there’s such a long way to go. Lamar has never had so many legit receiving options as he has this year. (though I’ve given up on Bateman)
Bengals/Browns:
Will Burrow’s mobility be limited in any way? We should find out early, given that Garrett will no doubt be in his face from the get-go. The Bengals safety sitch looks as dicey as hell, so little experience back there.
Bucs/Vikes:
The Baker Mayfield Experiment (Part 3?) begins again in Minny. The former overall #1 pick has more than his share of doubters, haters and whisperers-seems like too much to overcome. We’ll see.
Titans/Saints:
Fantasy folks are saying that this is the year the wheels come off the Henry train but they’ve failed to account for the fact that he’s not human. He’ll be viable into his 30’s.
Panthers/Falcons:
Call me Ballsy (is there room for two?) but in Math Hurts! league I’m starting Atlanta’s backfield of Allgeier and Bijan. The logic (if you could call it that) is that no matter what the game script, they will try to run the ball down your throat.
Jags/Colts:
A Jackson/Moss backfield scares exactly no one and elicits an ‘Ugh’ from most everyone. Most folks feel that we’ll see the real Prison Girlfriend now that there’s some modicum of stability and competence in his environs.
Niners/Steelers:
Pitt is a dog at home to start the season? Yoink! you very much oddsmakers. Never undersell Tomlin, ever.
Cards/Commies:
In my “Not Survivor” pick ’em league I’ve the Cards to go down. I think it’s written in stone that Dobbs will have a dreadful day vs the likes of Payne, Sweat and Tears. Uh, I mean Allen.
Do you in the comments.
Allgeier/Bijan gets me 50.8 points in fantasy and a medical syndrome that causes an inflamed scrotum.
DDDDDUUUUUUUUVVVVVVVVAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!
Is Derrick Carr now The Golden God?
There’s only one.
MINSHEW TIME
DED CLOT!
Minshew Mania in the Gravy Boat!
That will do it then.
I hope ARI goes 0-17.
So many shirts coming off in WAS…..
Bengals and Steelers getting their heads kicked in, I’m feeling feisty.
Good to see these happy Browns fans….
Most of them probably have to look up “how to smile” tutorials on youtube since they’re so entirely out of practice.
The Ivy League plays on Sundays?
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/7McweEfdjuk
BAH GAWD KING THAT’S THE DEAD MAN’S MUSIC HE’S HERE
Minny: [does minimal amount of work to address the massive number of holes in it’s defense]
Also Minny: [is losing to rebuilding Tampa Bay]
They need a new stadium!
Joshua Dobbs just joined the Cardinals 17 days ago.
Looks like Joshua Dobbs just saw sunlight for the first time like 15 hours ago.
The AFC North is dying today. Look at the Ratbirds injury report.
Why would I bother reading a sad short story when I can watch football?
It’s not very short.
(insert Lowratio quip here)
the jake browning noise has gone off for the browns
“Arizona. This team is gonna surprise some people this year.”
Arizona: Scores 16 points (0 offensive touchdowns)
Yankees are being no-hit by the Brewers. The score is 0-0 in the 8th.
It is riveting stuff.
Looks like Dobbs is gonna cost the red team a win at least twice.
Hey, a lateral on a pickoff return that actually accomplished something!
Oh did I mention my fantasy opponent is starting watson? A browns qb is going to out perform the reigning league mvp.
You know that new commercial where they script the nfl? That’s real except they only intervene with me.
STILLERS GAHNTA DUMPSTA BOWL
That’s funny. I’m all high on CLE this season.
BIG SPROTS MEDIA just needs them to win a couple games so they can ignore all the questions about Watson they’ve been talking about for years.
Battle of Ohio
And to think Connecticut once contemplated fighting for the Case Western Reserve.
nobody is making 4th down conversions in jax/ind so naturally they keep trying
and failing
Both the Commies and Qards Defenses are making this a slobberknocker.
Zona is trying to get Conner killed. Did he vote against Sheriff Joe or something?
This is what happens when you’re the savior of the human race.
COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO DIE ON THE FIELD
Oh neat, I can watch my Illini get molested by Penn State next Saturday on Fox.
a tradition like no other
Mike Mexico needs to be exiled to another solar system.
Mike Andromeda
Still too close.
How has the BATTLE FOAR OHIO never ended in Most Glorious Draw?
It would be appropriate.
Thurston Howell with a TD for Lovie…
How brilliant of Eric Bienemy to call 4 straight runs to take the ball out of Rebecca Malone’s hands.
This aged poorly.
This Allgeier (can we just call him gator?) is also fucking up my fantasy match today.
On my Vodka bench, obvs
As noted in the above intro, I started him and Bijan-I’m at 39.4 points so far. The lesson?-Sometimes stupid ideas pay off big time.
Tannehill has more underthrows than Juan Guaidó
I must apologize. I took Derrick Henry. This is God’s way of punishing me
this is the best the clots have looked since my last bowl of mac n cheese
I think we’ve talked about this before but you’re in Indiana right?
yep