Your First Slate of NFL Football Tilts Open Thread

But soft, what yonder matches approach? I’ve got them right here.

To the Games!

Raiders/Bills:

Las Vegas (and whatever else they’ve been over the years) haven’t won 2 games on the road to start the season since 1980. Is qb Allen slipping back into some silly decision-making or is it just me? Renfrow should finally see a ball come his way after not being targeted last week, what with Meyers out and Adams having trouble with a foot.

Ravens/Bengals:

The Mighty Burrow can’t go 0-2 in the division to start the year, can he? Last week his mates on the D side of things gave up 8 yards a rush to Deshaun so Lamar might just do ok. Rook wr Zay Flowers might be something-he had a 47% target share in his first game.

Chiefs/Jags:

I picked K.C. in survivor because I figure Patty will bounce back in a big way. I do expect that it to be a high-scoring tilt however. Kelce is expected back and in two games against Jacktown last year he had a trifling 20 catches.

Chargers/Titans:

Some fantasy analysts are just plain lousy. “We saw Tyjae Spears eat into Henry’s workload in a major way last week” is something that I read. I found that curious so I looked at their respective touches-Henry had 17 and Spears had 4-stop trying to make something happen, lousy football writer.

Packers/Falcons:

One advantage of never throwing the ball? Ridder hasn’t tossed an INT yet in his first 5 starts. If he does it again this week he’ll be the very first, going all the way back to 1950. Arthur Smith’s commitment to the rush will be tested as Green Bay gave up only 3.3 yards per attempt to designed runs by rb’s last week.

Seahawks/Lions:

The last two games these two have been high-scoring jizzfests with Seattle winning both, 48-45 and 51-29. Maybe take the over? “Goff falls apart under pressure”, so says the narrative but yet somehow he has tossed the ball 359 straight times without a pic.

Colts/Texans:

It’s The Battle of The Rookie Quarterbacks! My money ($60 of pretend money) is on Richardson.

Bears/Bucs:

If Mayfield wins this he joins the elite company of Fitzmagic, Shaun King and Rob Johnson as the only Tampa qb’s to start the year 2-0.

Do that thing.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

THIS TAMPA BAY STADIUM I CALL IT THE WOODS BECAUSE THE BEARS ARE SHITTING IN IT

fleshwound_NPG

yep, justin fields is getting replaced in the draft

King Hippo

He’s a faster, darker-hued version of Tebow. Hopefully less obsessed with foreskin.

fleshwound_NPG

how good the nfl south is: their best team has given the bears a chance to win the game

fleshwound_NPG

*NFC

(but the afc south is bad, too)

King Hippo

Oh dear GOD, Geno.

ArmedandHammered

PTSD flashback to being a Jet?

King Hippo

this checks out!

Doktor Zymm

Regression to the mean can be a BITCH

King Hippo

also checks out!

clint greasewood

Allen in for Buffalo

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I was on the subway and a schizophrenic man telling “the Jews did 9/11”.

Apparently the other two dentists didn’t agree Crest whitening strips were as effective.

King Hippo

Did you ask Coach Carroll for an autograph?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

He paid me in thermite

fleshwound_NPG

“a solid 230 lbs.”

-d. trump

Doktor Zymm

Closer to 300, I’m not great at estimating weights, but unless he has absolutely zero muscle he’s well over 215

Doktor Zymm

Ah, gotcha, although it’s always possible that Trump is just full of helium, he does seem like a big gasbag

King Hippo

Peak McDaniels – having his QB toss hospital balls to Davante Adams, down 4 TDs with 5 minutes to play.

King Hippo

(sorry, THREE minutes to play)

Doktor Zymm

To anyone who thought the Bears were going to be good this year, LOL TOLD YA SO

yeah right

Hey folks? An important observation: it seems the rest of the world could give a tin whisker shit about the NFL when the Premier League and the Rugby world cup was going on.

There was one TV that had the Chiefs game going on for one table and the place barely knew it was on.

Meanwhile the bar across the street that was showing England vs Japan in the rugby world cup was blowing the fuck up.

This has been your random observation for the day.

Resume on.

King Hippo

This is why Hippo gon’ DIE IN MURRIKA

King Hippo

Tits n Clips to DRAW?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

FYI, the Bears are winning 7-0 since I started watching.

Doktor Zymm

They might pay you as much as they pay QBs (ie nothing) to watch their games!

Don T

The pride of Indiana U, Nick Westbrook-Ikhine.
Incidentally, fuck Bobby Knight.

fleshwound_NPG

“got you, fam. wait a couple a years…”

-satan

fleshwound_NPG

throwing to dj moore…ok idea

King Hippo

In a Puerto Rican BK, a dapper man starts making tractor sounds

ThePirateSloth

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

King Hippo

U mad, bro? – Ralders
Yeah, we mad. – Bills Mafia

ThePirateSloth

Dammit, I caught up to live on the Seahawks game, now I gotta watch this stupid commercials.

Ugh, fuck you USAA for putting Gronk in my face 15 times a game.

King Hippo

Really is excellent insurance, though. No clue why they bother advertising.

ArmedandHammered

Tax wrie off.

fleshwound_NPG

jags with vintage andy reid goaline offensive playcalling

King Hippo

Nelson Agholar is still in the League???

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, which suicide pool site were we using? Because ESPN claims I picked Seattle last week and was eliminated.

bk109

ESPN 2023 eliminator. It appears that when I did my drunken pick I went with Geno Smith/Seattle.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Hopefully not the Tom Mees one

Horatio Cornblower

OK, we’re on to the lawn mowing portion of the day. Gonna be a close call with 4:25, but I should be fast asleep with the game on and a newspaper over my face by 4:50.

LemonJello

Ah, a :”Tomsula Nap.” Just make sure to hide your bindle before getting too comfortable.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Did Kmet just break up a pass intended for DJ Moore? That was a pretty Bearistocratic play.

Col. Duke LaCross

Made a better play on the ball than any of our DBs today.

yeah right

94.7 KMET Los Angeles.

Where rock and roll never dies!

King Hippo

I used to be able to do the Rainman “97X…WHAM!!…The FUTURE of rock and roll” pitch perfect. Yes, I was always that kind of asshole.

yeah right

Rainman!

King Hippo

Quantas never crashed

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Jimmy’s ancestors from the south originally went by Sharecroppalo

King Hippo

Monty, that looks painful to me.

ArmedandHammered

Watching RedZone is the only things that makes folding clothes bearable.

King Hippo

Divorce helps. one can just stuff clothes in drawers unfolded-like

ArmedandHammered

The clothes have all been mainly washed for months, except for the same clothes I wash every two weeks, but they all end up in the clothes drift. Decided to fold and put away due to not being able to find anything quickly.

Gatoraids

same have later games im interested in so Redzone got me through assembling a cat tree taller than me

Game Time Decision

-Lowratio

fleshwound_NPG

the raidahhs being a 1st place team was a fun 5 minutes

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think they’re guaranteed to stay in first no matter what happens this week, since they’ve got the divisional win.

fleshwound_NPG

but theyre also guaranteed to lose the next three

fleshwound_NPG

the eternal struggle

toney vs the ball

Horatio Cornblower

This year is clearly Scotchy’s favorite year in NFL history.

Last edited 1 year ago by Horatio Cornblower
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ok, I’m present and accounted for. What did I miss?

/checks Bears score

So…..shouldn’t have bothered?

King Hippo

They had one really nice drive early. But then…skynet went sentient, I guess?

Last edited 1 year ago by King Hippo
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Japan is so fun to watch.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

To be clear, I’m talking about rugby, not pornography.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

But I’m also not not talking about pornography.

Horatio Cornblower

Gently?

Horatio Cornblower

Foolish mortal.

bk109

Gently as in “gently used second hand car” and not gentle as the first rays of sunlight gently dancing on your loved one’s skin

Doktor Zymm

I correctly identified that they were playing England based solely on the chanting coming out of a nearby bar. Wales is kicking so much ass somehow!

fleshwound_NPG

justin fields really wanting the bears to not make the same mistake twice at not picking a qb high in the draft

fleshwound_NPG

perfect chance for ryan poles to nuke the qb he did not draft and start completely over, and hide the fact that the coach he hired kinda sucks

Redshirt

Bengals have been upgraded from Mostly Dead to Slightly Alive.

Don T

Oof. Tits DBs making Everett look like Gronk.

Don T

JUST AN OBSE5VATION K?
#positive

LemonJello

Chris Everett?

bk109

Right, after tallying the votes with 5 votes (wifey and kiddos), it’ll be Halloween in Tahiti. While it may not have the wreck of the Arizona (and the other Pearl Harbor historical sites.. aka the only touristy stuff I’d wanted to do there), from what I gathered from work the company property there are a couple of private islands (so no people, yay!), but with aircon (double yay!) and internet (yaaaaaay.. my kids won’t accidentally make their own nuclear reaction in a fit of boredom).

bk109

Funny, I was thinking shitty Hallmark/Lifetime/Netflix romcom. Basically something like Operation Christmas Drop or Holiday in the wild or Christmas Inheritance or…
Yes, I like bland romcoms (within reason – if Vanessa Hudgens is part of the cast, I’m out), especially around the holidays.

Doktor Zymm

The east part of the island is supposed to be pretty excellent, although staying at a company property I guess you don’t get much choice in location

bk109

Well, yeah – it’s either free vacation on the company’s dime (that doesn’t count against my paid leave) and minor inconvenience, or .. I’m not even going to risk googling how much just the fuel and landing costs will set me back, let alone the actual month in almost (because it has French) paradise 🙂

King Hippo

Doubled down on BUF/VGS for SurvivoUr/Loser pool, huzzah

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s like doubling down in the bear-shitting-in-the-woods/pope-funny-hat pool.

fleshwound_NPG

fantasy hack: start the qb that plays against the bears

Don T

JEFFERY SIMMONS 😍😍😍

King Hippo

I can’t tell if this is MOAR Classic Tits or Classic Clips. I guess maybe the answer is yes?

LemonJello

Burrow-ception in Cinci…

Don T

I just realized I’ve been wearing pants this whole time. Attenuating: the shorts completed the two-tone look for early game.

fleshwound_NPG

baker is on pace for about 400 yards passing, in case you were wondering how chicago’s new defense is working out

Gumbygirl

Tannyfannydown!

Horatio Cornblower

It’s a gorgeous day for baseball in Pittsburgh, and judging from the attendance it is time to once again add going to a game at that stadium to my list of things to do.

litre_cola

Pearl Jam exit music for Seattle. Did you guys know grunge was from there?

WCS

Jerome Bettis hails from the state of Michigan.

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litre_cola

Jimmy Graham is a hooper.

bk109

Yes, but we can’t nuke ’em just for that. (I’ve asked 😉 )

litre_cola

comment image

Gatoraids

Demolition Waiver Position Man