TGIF! I know everyone is super excited about the World Series (GO SNEKS!) kicking off right as this publishes, so I’ll get on with it!

Survival – Personal Edition

Some of you have made the terrible, financially ruinous decision to have children. Even worse, these total leeches deprive you of your much needed sleep. Let’s get some of the back by learning how to deal with Monsters in their Bedroom.

• Turn on the lights. Their stupid overactive imagination won’t overpower their actual eyes.
• Assert your authority over Monster residency. Don’t use residency, they’re too young and stupid to know that term. Just let them know you decide who can be in that room. Monster, child, or otherwise.
• Let them know Monsters are afraid of water. Then mist the problem areas of the door, closet, and underneath the bed. Your kid is dumb enough to both trust you and believe this.
• Assert that cute toys are Monster’s greatest fears. Weaponize your kid’s stuffed animals to stand guard around the room. Make sure  to save their favoUrite stupid toy to stand guard next to them while in bed.
• Declare green to be scary to Monsters. Or whatever other coloUr is convenient. Just make sure your stupid kid has pajamas in that color. Also have some night lights with the same coloUr. Get creative here and use bandages, stickers, polish, whatever to up the amount of the safe coloUr.
• If you encounter any Monsters, kill them with kindness. Make sure your gullible kid is aware of this strategy.

There you go, back to bed. #StaySingle

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Survival – Species Edition

Time to put the sexy in Friday!

Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to the comments!