Your First NFL Football Open Thread

marika-fruscio-calendario.jpg

Hey guys, it’s time to do that thing again and we have a full complement of tilts to do it with. Why does not a single team have a bye at the halfway point of the season? I’ve not a clue.

To The Games!

Pats/Fins:

Hopefully this gets ugly early which would mean New England has to fight from behind which they are ill-equipped to do. One way for Miami to get ahead is to continue to employ screen passes-they’re very effective doing so and guess what, the Pats are the very worst in the league at defending that play. Though the latter is good at playing the run, can they stop a bulldozing Fins squadoo that churns the yards out at 163 on average and 6.3 per?

Jets/Giants:

Dueling dumpster fires it is! (though both are coming off wins) Don’t be surprised if The Mother Lover has another good game because he excels vs man coverage and the Giants swing that way more than only five other teams. Also in the Jets favor is that they get both starting corners back from injury-so take your finger off that Wan’Dale Robinson ‘start’ button. You should play Waller though because the Jets can’t defend the tight end and Darren has cobbled together two good games.

Jags/Steelers:

From the Hard To Believe file: Cal Ridley hasn’t caught a pass over the middle of the field yet this year. Jacksonville has given up nearly 2,000 yards thru the air after seven games-luckily for them, Pickett would be the very last pick were you to be playing flag football in your back yard. Etienne should have a day vs Pitt’s 28th-ranked run D.

Falcons/Titans:

Gah! Both these coaches are stuck in the 80’s and are ranked 25th and 29th in scoring per game so expect this to be the horse-racing equivalent of a ‘mudder’. Expect to see cowardly punts on 4th and short and three yard passes on 3rd and 5. That’s just what Smith and Vrabel do these days. Hopefully the pre-game watercress sandies don’t trigger a Bijan tummy ache or migraine.

Texans/Panthers:

Houston is .500 somehow (maybe it was that ambush of Pitt?) and the passing game is on point. Their Expected Points Added while throwing is .14 but while running it craters to -.12. Stroud has been increasingly sending balls Schultz’s way, including looks in the endzone in three straight affairs. Stream Time!

Rams/Cowboys:

Dallas has a 10-game home winning streak and the Rams are somehow 2-1 on the road with a 3 point loss at Cincy as well. They continue to be a hard out because Puka and Cooper dominate the middle of the field-you can’t stop both of those chain-movers so take your pick. There’s quite a bit to mock McCarthy about but his 11-5 post-bye record is not one of them.

Vikes/Packers:

Oof! Minny has yet to score a rushing TD. Their game hope? (not plan, hope) It’s to score early and often and Green Bay just might capitulate, given that they’ve been outscored 63-6 in the 1st half of their last four games. Rb Jones is out so Dillon gets another chance to prove that he’s not a washed up washerwoman.

Saints/Colts:

Minshew Mania giveth and taketh away-the O has produced a more than respectable 58 points (acceptable) and 8 turnovers. (not) That latter stat needs some serious correcting but can they alter that vs a Saints D that has generated 12 takeaways so far? Will mouthy emo qb Carr call out his wr’s on the field again? No wonder the passing game is suffering. Carr has had back-to-back 50 attempt games. How has that gone? Every qb that has thrown 50+ balls this season (nine of them) has lost.

Eagles/Commies:

Beware the big play-Philly has 29 20+ yard plays and Washington has given up 34 so far. (AJ Browns ears are ringing right now) Will Howell survive the season? He’s been put on the ground 40 times already and as we’ve learned by seeing Dimes get crushed over and over again, the law of averages is going to catch up to him. And if it doesn’t he’ll have been sacked 100+ times by season’s end. AJ has five straight games with 125+ yards-if he gets another he gets the record.

Get out there!

 

 

5 4 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
212 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
LemonJello

SHAN’KHLOR makes her presence known to the Yinzers.

BugEyedBoo

Unholy union of Shan’khlor and Bleergh.

LemonJello

Those Elder Gods do like to get freaky…

WCS

“REFS YOU SUCK! REFS YOU SUCK!”

chants in Yinzburgh… even the Stillers radio crew is befuddled by the zebras to end this half.

King Hippo

There Will Be Bollo. Bollo del Verdad!

Redshirt

Offsides on the Offensive Guard?!

LemonJello

Pickett got a shoulder owie…is it Titty Kissin Time in Yinzerland?

LemonJello

IT IS!

Redshirt

We got the right cover pic for it!

WCS

REFBALL RAINS IN YINZBURGH

jjfozz

My wife is upset about Matthew Perry’s death. I’m leaving.

Senor Weaselo

And now for notes from the bandstand while we rehearse for some fundraiser and watch P*ts-Dolphins:

Why would you put the food room in a place where you have to walk outside in the rain?

Redshirt

Danny DeVito is now in at QB?

WCS

comment image

Mr. Ayo

Sponsored by his happy place, Jimmy John’s.

jjfozz

Three moronic soccer moms yelling advice to their children from the sideline. Completely confused the kids. Just shut the fuck up, ok?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

As opposed to Darkest Timeline Zack Morris, who just will not surrender to the authorities after a criminal warrant was issued for failure to provide internet child support.

Don T

Let’s be fair. Internet Mom spent all the money for heroin. For her only!

ThePirateSloth

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[immediately calls his NAMBLA Anonymous sponsor] – Marc Trestman

jjfozz

Epic text battle with my little sister, re: The Martyr.

I used the word “bullshit” multiple times; told her she made this choice; called her immature and illogical.

Probably won’t speak for about a week.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You probably could have gotten a solid two weeks if you’d said she was being “hysterical”.

Gumbygirl

Imagine what he’d get if he asked her if she was “on the rag!”

jjfozz

One of her texts was, “I”m done with talking to you. I’m done.”

My response was: “You promise?”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rikki, tuning in to a 6-3 Jaguars-Steelers snoozer after having watched the Rugby World Cup for the last two months (artist’s conception):

comment image

Don T

Well you know how it is. Quit fitbaw five years running, start to find it not that interesting.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Even the players’ moms think this game is dull.

Don T

Pur Taylor Swift there. SolvT
/twirls scarf around neck
//hot as fuck

Redshirt

Tuck Rule visits JerryWorld.

LemonJello

There’s a halftime drag show?

WCS

comment image

we can’t have this degradation of murincan christian vules around kisd!!

Don T

Fumbly Demond 😘😘😘😘

Redshirt
Don T

My PRTW team grieves. I mean, seethe 🤬

Don T

comment image

Don T

Fair catch at the six. My, what a punting tour de force.

jjfozz

Do you know that sailors wore gold earrings so if they died in a foreign land, the value of the earrings would pay for a casket.

The more ya know

LemonJello

Prison Girlfriend is just asking to get shanked in the showers with these turnovers.

Gumbygirl

Bless him!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sweet! A soulful, stripped-down cover of “I Drove All Night”!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hearing terrible, terrible music like that makes me miss tWBS.

Don T

Better punt and coverage for ATL 🫤 respek

jjfozz

Picked my son up at the train station, which was the location of a pro Israel rally. Was very moving and emotional – and super positive.

And I’ve always been so impressed by rabbis – not sure what it is, but they carry themselves with a mixture of friendliness and authority.

Plus, there were some comely Jewish babes

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

SOURCE BACK TO JEWSSTACKED OR SHUT UP.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Example:

comment image

jjfozz

Is she in the cast of Emily in Paris?

clint greasewood

This Steelers offense amirite?

comment image

WCS

The pretzels are raining in Yinzburgh along with the rain.

comment image

Don T

63 yard pu t fiekded at the 5. I know that ain’t TEN, ’cause nobody boots it as far as Stonehouse 🥰

Redshirt

Dallas murderdeathkilling L.A.? Huh.

jjfozz

My wife is making Italian wedding soup. When it’s finished I’ll pour some into my laptop so you can all have a taste.

Don T

Send me a meatball through the NumLock / 7 crease 😛

jjfozz

If only I could, her meatballs are on point.

HOWEVER

She bakes her meatballs, instead of frying them. Sacrilege.

And yes, when we were first married we had a legit argument about this.

BECAUSE YOU FRY THE MEATBALLS MRS. FOZZ!

Don T

Agree with you. A really good oven is rare. A good fry always 😙👌🏼

LemonJello

comment image

jjfozz

i’ve had two bowls, and you should all be jealous, cause it is amazing

Gumbygirl

Feed me!

JUMBOAUDREY2.jpg
WCS

HIGH END TALENT
STILLERS GAHNTA SUPERB OWL

ThePirateSloth

It’s 2023 and I still can not understand how the NFL determines what areas get what games for national broadcasts. Why am I seeing the Jags/Steelers game in the PNW on CBS? Is there this idea that Seahawks fans are gonna hatewatch the Steelers? Do studies show that a shit ton of Jags fans live in Idaho? Is there that ONE player that went to whichever Oregon/Washington college and was super well known locally now playing on either Jags/Steelers?

I just don’t get it.

ArmedandHammered

It makes people buy Sunday Ticket to watch home teams and gives the NFL more revenue.

WCS

So, we’re doing this kind of game again. Apologies, Lemonjello.

First three quarters Kenny Pickett
comment image

Last ten minutes Kenny Pickett
comment image

Oh, and Minkah’s hammy went bye-bye.

Last edited 1 year ago by WCS
LemonJello

Is it wrong to want TJ Watt to suffer something similar?

jjfozz

A sledgehammer to the nuts would not even begin to satisfy me. Yes he’s a great player, he’s also an insufferable douchebag.

WCS

I’d be John Hammond talking about Dr. Ian Malcolm if Watt played for any other team.

jjfozz

Ah, last night was fun. A gummie, beer, a few bourbons, a dim recollection of dinner. Why can’t every day be like this?

Don T

Levis to Hopkins. Praise Gamblor.

Don T

Heh heh. Nice 4th down Vrabel jinx, scotchie.

King Hippo

put this game on my tablet, just out of morbid curiosity

WCS

Each drive more kickier than the last!

Brick Meathook

I turned on my heater this morning. It’s like 60 fucking degrees outside.

-also-

I just fried the hell out of an egg

jjfozz

YEAH BRICK FUCKING COOK THE SHIT OUT OF THAT EGG

Brick Meathook

Do you remember hanging out with me last night? I drove you home.

King Hippo

some Cowperson must have insulted Aaron Donald’s mom

Redshirt

If the Titans can wear Oilers throwbacks. I want the Ravens to wear Browns throwbacks. Against Cleveland. In Cleveland.

WCS

comment image

Redshirt

Report: The NFL Is Expected To Punish Jim Harbaugh (msn.com)

Spygate II: Maize and Blue feels like Hanukkah; I’m getting a new gift practically every day!

WCS

The Ron Meyer/Pete Carroll Rule

King Hippo

couldn’t happen to a nicer douchebag

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I first read that as “NFL is Expected to Punch Jim Harbaugh” and thought to myself “cool, make him put on a wig and have Ray Rice do it.”

WCS

Hasn’t Janay apologized enough?

Brick Meathook

comment image

Don T

Also works with crossfit 😅

WCS

And MAGA.

King Hippo

Crossfit MAGA Vegan!!

ArmedandHammered

That would make someone King Douche Bro

Brick Meathook

Crossfit MAGA Vegan Atheist

Brick Meathook

Boat-owning CrossFit MAGA Vegan Atheist

clint greasewood

Boat-owning CrossFit MAGA Vegan Atheist that invests in Crypto.

Redshirt

Plus he owns a boat.

King Hippo

Heh, my shittastic alternatives to Cort Sutton would be Founding Fathers (who may have lost his jerb on MNF), Jaleel McLaughlin (also in snow, but is at least a runner), or Michael Mayer (fucking 2nd TE). Any advice would be welcome.

LemonJello

Start drinking now?

King Hippo

2nd pill is calling Hippo’s name, fo sho.

Mahomes (who also has the fucking flu) is also my QB in Vodka.

Brick Meathook

I’m taking a second pill too in solidarity

King Hippo

BROTHER!!!

blaxabbath

FLU GAME!

LemonJello

comment image

Redshirt

The man no sold a snowplow blast. That’s professionalism!

Steve Keeley vs. Snowplow Truck – YouTube

blaxabbath

SOURCE BACK TO NEWSMAX OR SHUT UP!

Don T

Cristo Dios. That is both marriage and reversing the vasectomy material.

Redshirt

As a Christian, I’m forbidden from worshipping anything before my God. But per my interpretation, there’s nothing in the Bible about worshipping anything as long as it doesn’t conflict with the 1st Commandment.

ballsofsteelandfury

God gave her those titties. You should thank him.

ballsofsteelandfury

And by worshipping them, you’re really worshipping him, so….

ballsofsteelandfury

Fun fact: my local CVS carries devotional candles.

Brick Meathook

You can worship anything you want. I’m currently worshipping a Tensor lamp on my desk with no recriminations at all. So go for it.

BugEyedBoo

Doesn’t say anything about goddesses, so I think you’re good. If you have any doubt you can go check out those billboards north of you out on I-71N.

Brick Meathook

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

Right??

Don T

“Friends”: Ah, look at him. The cellphone rings and he’s scurrying off. You’re pussy whipped!

Me [sprinting]: That? Oh querida, it’s just the wind. It may rain. What say we lock ourselves in the room until next Sunday.

Redshirt

Friends: “Have fun going to the Carribean. Enjoy all the beaches and restaurants!”

Red (Narrating): “He didn’t say anything, but they all knew the truth. Old Redshirt wasn’t planning on them leaving the honeymoon suite.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

SOURCE BACK TO NEWSVAX OR SHUT UP!

2Pack

Napoli plays later tonight. Currently sitting in 4th, 6 points back. Here’s some Marika with a couple points of her own.

marika-fruscio-napoli-sampdoria.jpg
King Hippo

The best Everton shout I’ve ever made – that Jarrod Branthwaite would be a perfect complement to Tarkowski in the backline.

King Hippo

Putting the squeeze on #TittyKeeper WOO!!!!!

WCS

comment image

2Pack

More gooder English.

FB_IMG_1696397124990.jpg
WCS

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Pick two from

DJ Moore
Chris Olave
Jahmyr Gibbs
Christian Kirk

King Hippo

I think you have to play DJM, just because he might go off. They;ve been hesitant to give Gibbs much of a load (PHRASING), and I just don’t like Kirk as a player.

King Hippo

ppl forget that song was about the timing of breaking off a curl route smh

King Hippo

plus he supports the Bearistocrats! so he likely hates himself enough to stay up and watch anyway

ballsofsteelandfury

Fun fact: I always thought he said “Pretzel heart”