Hey, welcome back! After last night’s failed Lemonade Experiment (the sugar-centric hangover this morning, god!) I don’t feel like doing this but obligations are obligations.
To The Games!
Steelers/Bengals:
Cincy will start a guy (Jake Browning) that sounds like an early Industrial Age process. I come from a long line of Jake Browners-it’s not done anymore because carriage technology has progressed so rapidly. A positive change in scoring fortunes for Pitt will allow everyone to do what they’ve always wanted which is to Blame Trudeau! Er, Canada.
Jags/Texans:
Stroud has thrown for 300+ in 5 of 10 and in three straight. What to do vs a Jacktown team that gives up an average of 254? Y’all should be fortifying your team with a Tank Dell is what you should do. If the Texans win this shootout (calling it) they’ll be atop the division and have the tiebreaker. P. Girlfriend is 1-4 and owns a 4-7 TD/INT number against this team.
Bucs/Colts:
[throws up in mouth a little] Indy? A playoff frontrunner? Well, they’re 5-5 and have the league’s easiest sked down the stretch. Do Better, NFL! I don’t think Irsay’s heart or his dealer could survive a playoff game so something has to be done. Kidnap Minshew maybe? Cade Otton came good when I had to stream him a few weeks ago and should again given the Colts inability to defend the position.
Saints/Falcons:
New Orleans needs some help in the passing game and with Thomas out (naturally) the answer is staring them in the face. Carr and Shaheed, when they do hook up, create an 88.8 QBR number which is top 20 in the league. Ridder gets another go at starting because Arthur Smith has coached himself into a corner.
Pats/Giants:
This one’s for all the (draft pick) marbles! If the Giants lose their odds of getting a top 2 pick rise to 47%. If the Pats take the L their number rises to 37%. Such excitement! Play your Stevenson’s and Zeke’s and don’t think twice about it. On the other hand, these teams can’t generate anything (DeVito’s cromulent outing last week aside) offensively so it should become a Stalled Drive Celebration.
Panthers/Titans:
A run-happy team vs another that has given up a league-high 17 TD’s to rb’s? Yes please. In deeper leagues you may even entertain playing the future, Tyjae Sharp. He’s splitting carries and gets the passing down work. Just a matter of time. Say a prayer for Bryce Young-the guy must want to close the book on this season and start a new chapter in ’24.
See you in the comments.
Urge to nap or play Footy Manager? Rising.
never falling…
Can you take my kid to his athletics cult? I would love a nap.
fuck it, it’s Canadia. He can just wander off unsupervised.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzmprUUqryM&pp=ygUcdGhlbWUgZnJvbSBzb21ld2hlcmUgaW4gdGltZQ%3D%3D
/Texans playing in their cherry-colored jerseys
Lt. Daniel Kaffee: “DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?”
D. Ryans: [shrugs] “Yup.”
Lt. Daniel Kaffee: “THAT’S GODDAMN RIGHT YOU… I mean, okay then.”
[goes 7/13 for 49 yards and an INT]
-Mac Jones, stating his claim for the starting job
it’s just public shaming at this point
Yay! Gameclocks are broken in Cincy!
With in-depth play-by-play analysis of the malfunction!
On the bright side, it’s good to see that whoever programmed the chyron display for CBS made the clock display optional, for just such a situation.
Alright! Timeless game!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGsQ5n9Qu0A&pp=ygUWdGltZSBzdGFuZHMgc3RpbGwgcnVzaA%3D%3D
not the real video link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdQY7BusJNU&ab_channel=CyndiLauperVEVO
(crosses out song to post until they fix the clocks)
One for Scotchy y Hippo there WOO
TANKDOWN!
(I need many MOAR of those from CJS)
Ice skating bumper cars, something a Cincinnati native could enjoy.
Prison Girlfriend ain’t afraid of a little contact in the box!
“Man, I could sure go for a little contact in the box.” – Deanna F., Mississippi
/Lowratio perks up
Oldest Fozz is writing algorithms to predict how to bet.
When I was 19 I was drinking beer in the woods behind a burned out shopping center.
Back in those days Porno was on VHS and magazines! Like real men enjoyed it!
…or in between the A/B switch on the cable box. You couldn’t see the races, but damn it, it taught you to be skin color blind!
Bengals…lead?
One of the elements they’re made of, yes.
Houston getting killed by whatever the opposite of home cooking is.
Good Burger 2?! Bring back the strikes!!!
50 yard completion to Tank wiped out by a penalty. Goddamn it!
THIS STEELERS BENGALS GAME, I CALL IT CINCINNATI CHILI BECAUSE IT LOOKS HORRIBLE AND LEAVES A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH
I turned it off and am watching an episode of Cabinet of Curiosities instead. After that, I’m thinking music.
Well, I’ve burned through Emily in Paris, so I feel kind of empty inside
Go to Hard Times Cafe on King Street in Old Town Alexandria and get a Cincinnati Chili all the way (5-way). You might change your mind.
Hard Times was the only thing I liked about living in NoVa
BC Dick and I made skyline while very high and absolutely loved it.
/ducks can being thrown at head
el TractorcitoDOWN for mas loyal hombre de los Puerto Rico!
Menopause is a wonderful thing
I have hot flashes all the time, really helps me connect with my inner #SpiritGoddess
Can I move in with you until about 2030?
Heard there was a fight in the stands before the Giants game, a Pats fan said the worst possible thing about DeVito, that he doesn’t fold his pizza slices.
Folding pizza in half should be a capital offense
“What about casseroles?”
-folks in Chicago
/runs away laughing
Get that Detroit-style pizza, and folding isn’t an issue.
Oh man I could really go for some of that right about now.
I’d never heard of Detroit-style pizza until I went there in September. That was the greatest piece of pizza I’ve ever had, and I’ve had ’em all over the world.
Calzone will not be tolerated
If you took the Over on Tommy DeVito’s passing yardage today, Wan’Dale Robinson is not your fri’end.
your liver is also probably not your friend either
oh man, I’d say “hated by one’s liver” is polling over 90% with this crew!
“You’re right. Guy’s a dick. DeVito is dealing, though!”
-my liver
At the very least Browning has an arm and can reach Chase downfield. (from what I saw last week)
How old is this guy?
Been slingin em professionally since 1911
Are those lieutenants operating that thing? “See, this piece goes here, and then you turn this piece (I think), and then you pull on that metal part there . . .”
Baker Mayfield does nae squat 600 lbs (especially after today)
I dont understand why a player doesn’t jump cleat 1st onto the Eagle pile. That would end that shitty play. Also, they Eagles always false start on the play and its never called.
…and Browning just pulled a TE Tim Tebow. Fantastic
GIVE IT TO WHITE, MAN!!!
We are due!
More of an ass man but am all in on the Tits D today
Matt Jones lost the coin flip to Zappe.
We’re about one or two weeks away from Belichick pulling a Constanza with the Lombardi Trophies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TOuK47jjck&pp=ygUcc2VpbmZlbGQgd29ybGQgc2VyaWVzIHRyb3BoeQ%3D%3D
Alright, time to see if we “NextManUp-ing” or “Tanking”.
I get a lot of U W coverage here and he was quite good in college.
He’s not lacking in confidence. Fans are trying to spirit bomb him into an Alternate Universe Joe Burrow.
I can die happy if Dr. Mantis Toboggan and The Enduring Purgatory of White Mac end in a nil-nil draw.
Bunch of shitty games this morning. Might just fart on my Sirianni voodoo doll until gane time.
I don’t know why you would stop at kickoff.
RedZone time. Piss off, Ashley Young
Saw A&M workshopped Mark Stoops as HC overnight and the people revolted.
Bonfire Cult would have eaten him alive.
Even by Texan standards A&M people are weirdos.
One of my #BFIB supporter buddies lives in Houston, and he agrees with your assessment. Says Texas Tech are as close as anyone gets to “normies.”
My buddy is a prof there. He is leaving at the end of the year to go to U of Virginia due to what you are saying.
Wahoowa is also a cult, but mostly a harmless/amusing one.
Holy crap did you folks know that Lenny Kravitz was once an opening act for The Cure?
https://www.theverticalfiles.com/the-ticket-stub-project/feb-22-1992-the-cult-lenny-kravitz
You mean the Cult?
Bad news guys, Marty Krofft has gone to the big LSD lab in the sky.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LD6q3rBuoZ0&list=PLpRTgxWQrbJmYzrdMj_sEQJ3YpFX-uEEl&ab_channel=Sid%26MartyKrofftPictures
(edited for her pleasure)
Morning Folks
When the opposing team is leading you away from the ref so that you don’t get a second yellow and thrown out of the game that really has to make one question your value on the field.
uh huh (see comment below)
I’ve never seen anything like that. McGuire and at least one other guy gently pushing him back like “Hey, we need you on the pitch, buddy”
Word has made it all the way up to Canada-Jack/Hou is on 4 separate TSN channels.
I don’t understand, if they were going to create a fictional team for a Canadian broadcast, why have it be from Houston? They should have made it a bunch of plucky upstarts from Saskatoon or something.
I don’t know, the Houston Ruff Riders has a nice ring to it.
I would think Muff Riders would be a more fitting tribute to Houston.
New FIFA 24 ad showing Erling Haaland kicking a kid through a brick wall just in case the Premier League gets any ideas about going full Everton on Man City.
I thought my keycard to the Clubhouse stopped working. Turns out, I was trying to use my Sea Pass from the cruise to get in! Thank Baby Jebus for the unlimited drinks package!
But now I’m back and ready for some fitbawl!
“Well that’s too bad, because all we have here are the Patriots and the Giants!”
-The NFL
Ashley Young is terrible. Dyche’s obsession with him is my only complaint atm.
Only 1? It’s festivus season!
He’s about to put you down 2-0 with that trip.
It’s becoming a very large complaint, mind.
https://comicbook.com/powerrangers/amp/news/mighty-morphin-power-rangers-the-return-reveals-first-look-at-new-green-ranger-olivia-hart/
Only in comics can you fully ship Tommy-Kimberly and not on Saturday morning TV where you have to dance around how Green and Pink makes Olive, er Olivia.
Pimento Loaf Power Ranger
Eli Manning has strong opinions on this.
OLIVIA MANNING: [exasperated beyond belief] All right, Eli, repeat after me. Whenever I am about to start peeing…
ELI MANNING: Whenever I am about to start peeing…
OLIVIA MANNING: I will pause and ask myself…
ELI MANNING: I will pause and ask myself…
OLIVIA MANNING: “Am I dreaming right now?”
(based in an almost-but-thankfully-not-quite true story from Rikki’s own previous evening)
(Peyton snickers as he prepares another cup of warm water)
Thank you for making me almost spit take with a mouthful of oatmeal.
Was Kimberly the one played by Amy Jo Johnson? Because if so, I only shipped her with myself.
https://twitter.com/realsamvalenti/status/1728566139306062097
Elsewhere, the OSU faithful is trying to burn down the Oval, but not realizing you can’t burn down flat grassy plain.
Look Sam, the ASU female students have shifts to work down at The Landing Strip and the males need to check in with parole. Don’t act all holier than thou.
I’m going to amuse myself by imagining that all the liquid spots on the bleachers behind him are urine stains.
imagining?
uh…wow
yeah, I can’t even bitch about that’un. Just…wow. Like ye said.
Goal of the season
holy CRAP
https://dubz.co/v/7j486q
Not sure how other Arsenal fans feel, but I’m really enjoying seeing Emery’s success with Aston Villa. Guy deserves it.
This never ending black Friday sale bouncing from store to store chit Wifey has been putting me through is just begging to get my azz bounced from the LDBC. Stevie Wonder Christmas playing now.
DO IT
What do we do with heretics these days?
https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/38952074/justin-jefferson-my-health-more-important-fantasy-football
That’s total fuckin’ nonsense right there.
(says the guy who drafted him with the first pick in the draft)
Good thing he didn’t say that about Daily Fantasy Sports or his house would have burned down due to an “electrical fire” at the exact same time a black bag team from NFL Security would have been in the area for unrelated reasons.
I’m frankly surprised Dak didn’t get his legs broken Thursday after his “don’t gamble” speech the week before.
Way to reveal your bias against white billionaires with the anti Irsay talk.
/s
Hey! I’m not Carlos Slim’s biggest fan either.
Fuck a duck-I’m going Spears.
Good idea. No way her latest production isn’t terrifying and going to come back and bite you in the ass. Literally.
Good enough!
She’s 41. Marika is 44. Shop and compare people.
Good advice. I’ll have both and compare and contrast. This may require several tests.
Sum quality cray cray MILF right there Buddy.
She both the combination of an young Amish going through Rumspringa and soiling her wild oats before going full Amish as an adult and the dangers of allowing a mentally ill person free-reign with no abusive oversight.
This is pretty much spot on.
Looks like a match.com pic, the desperation to be loved plus the craziness come through loud and clear.
You never go Spears Bro.
/ as he goes all in Spears
I…really didn’t need Rachaad White to be gimpy for this week. Yikes.
I have him in 3 of 4 leagues. #metoo
Rotowire sez it’s basically a nothing burger, which settles me down a bit. I could start Cort Sutton, but against #ThePauls that seems #suicidal.
Samesies. I need a big game from him…
Damn, I really want to play Spears over Zeke but the numbers don’t bear that out. And every time I try to get cute I lose, but I want ceiling not floor!
That’s why I stopped gambling on sports. When I gamble in a Casino, I always play the long game, lose small but survive until I win big and then bail out before the odds come back around.
On Sports Gaming, I’m always chasing the homerun bet, turning to plausible parlay bet that would net a return of 50%-150% into nigh-impossible odds.
It will be legal in Cakalaky come 1 January. Perhaps I will dip my toe back in if that means it’s easier to get moneys out (before I tilt) and I don’t have to re-learn that Bitcoin laundering step.
I found that massive consumption of opiates makes gambling more fun.
It’s really the dress FOAR all seasons
What kind of world are we living in when Jags/Texans is the most intriguing game of the bunch? I bet in one of those alternate universes where the Axis powers won there’s still at least a halfway decent game on, like the Dusseldorf Wolfsrudel vs. the Nagasaki Senshi or something.
Today’s matchup between the New Duisbergh Steelers and the Losantiville Germans would still be interesting.
I sure hope you’re right about CJS. Maybe 6 TDs and I have a shot.
ALSO WOO!!!!! EAT SHIT FAT MACK
Hey, it could happen again!