As we get to the final week of the 2023 season (even though it’s 2024), we see that there are a fuck-ton of clinching scenarios in play here in Week 18. In keeping with old traditions, here’s the guide to all of them:
AFC:
The Baltimore Ravens have clinched the top seed in the AFC.
Lamar! can clinch the NFL MVP with:
-Something like… 322 through the air, and… 179 on the ground (getting him to 4,000 and 1,000)
-Tyreke remaining hurt (and not going for… 283 yards to get to 2,000)
(Update: With the top seed clinched, Lamar! will SIT in the final game vs. the Steelers.)
The Cleveland Browns have clinched a wild-card spot.
-Didn’t this happen, and I was about to take them to the AFC Championship Game in Madden Superstar Mode, I went to save the game, and the disc read error that was starting to plague my PS2 happened and corrupted my save file? No, I at least got them to win the North. (It was 21-0 and everything!)
The Miami Dolphins have clinched a playoff spot. They can clinch the AFC East AND the #2 seed with:
-A win or tie @ BUF.
Tyreke Hill can clinch the NFL MVP with:
-A win and hitting 2K, but would need the aforementioned 283 yards to do it, OR
-Lamar! falls into the Springfield Mystery Spot Sunday morning
-The fire wasn’t sympathy arson! (It was not sympathy arson, as Hill wasn’t there. More importantly, no one was harmed.)
The Buffalo Bills can clinch the AFC East with:
-Josh Allen saying “fuck it” and a win
They can clinch a playoff berth with a tie, OR:
-PIT OR JAX loss or tie, OR
-Chaos tie (HOU-IND)
The Kansas City Chiefs have clinched the AFC Weast. They can clinch the #2 seed with:
-A win AND a MIA loss
They can clinch yet another AFC Championship Game at Arrowhead with:
-A win AND a MIA loss AND BAL once again falling flat on their face in the divisional round
-Other bullshit
Taylor Swift can clinch the hearts of millions of Broncos and Raiders fans with:
-A well-timed breakup song during the playoffs that leads to Travis Kelce clanking passes like he were a Chiefs WR.
(Update: Patrick Mahomes and presumably others will SIT vs. the Chargers)
The entire AFC South Extravaganza! The AFC South has clinched:
-Semi-watchable status, for this week at least?
The Jacksonville Jaguars can clinch the AFC South with a win, OR:
-The much more fun maximum chaos of AFC South divisional ties! (JAX-TEN tie, IND-HOU tie)
They can clinch a playoff berth with:
-A tie AND a PIT loss or tie
-PIT loss + DEN loss or tie + IND-HOU to NOT tie
The Indianapolis Colts can clinch the AFC South with:
-A win + JAX loss or tie OR
-A tie + JAX loss
They can clinch a playoff berth with a win, OR:
-A tie +PIT loss or tie
The Houston, uh, Houston? can clinch the AFC South with:
-A win + JAX loss or tie
They can clinch a playoff berth with a win (so IND-HOU is a “win and in” game and therefore… one to watch?), OR:
-A tie + JAX loss + PIT loss or tie
Basically, I’m not sure if a tie gets them both in or both out. But it would be hilarious!
The Pittsburgh Steelers have clinched another year’s Coach Epps Voodoo Magic Winning Season™. They can clinch, by god, a playoff spot, with:
-Slight bullshit and a win
-Slightly more bullshit and a tie
-Even more bullshit with a loss
NFC:
The San Francisco 49ers have clinched the top seed in the NFC:
Brock Purdy can clinch the MVP with:
-Balling the fuck out, AND
-The aforementioned Lamar! Springfield Mystery Spot, AND
-Tyreke Hill also having something like that, AND
-Myles Garrett not suddenly playing QB.
The Detroit Lions have clinched the NFC North. They can clinch the #2 seed if:
-Everyone claims they are eligible. Yes, everyone. Just do it. OR,
-Marching over to Goodell and burning the office down. OR,
-A win + ties or losses by DAL and PHI.
The Dallas Cowboys have clinched a playoff spot. They can clinch the NFC East with a win (also clinching the #2 seed), OR
-NFC East ties for everybody! OR
-PHI is still broken.
The Cowboys have also clinched a karmic retribution loss in the Divisional Round to Detroit, unless doing so would cause another seismic shift in the world, in which case the loss will be in the Wild Card Round to someone equally as comedic. (Bonus if this is caused by falling to the 5 seed and losing to the NFC South Mandatory Team).
The Philadelphia Eagles have clinched a playoff spot. They can clinch the NFC East with:
-A win + DAL loss or tie
-A tie + DAL loss
They can clinch the #2 seed with a win + DET loss + the offense remembering how to play football again.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers can clinch the NFC South with a win OR:
-A tie + NO loss or tie
They can stop some minor amount of scorn and derision for the division (but not them) and clinch a playoff berth (as in, a wild card, as in, two teams from the NFC South) with:
-A tie + SEA loss + GB loss or tie
…Wait, might we potentially have a .500 wild card team? (Since that would be the perfect 8-8-1.) I take the reverend’s salient points from yesterday back, 12 teams it is!
The New Orleans Saints can clinch the NFC South with:
-A win + TB loss or tie
-A tie + TB loss
They can clinch a playoff berth (and again, less scorn/derision of General Sherman) with:
-A win + SEA loss or tie + GB loss or tie
-A tie + SEA & GB losses
The Green Bay Packers are guaranteed a playoff spot because:
-It will infuriate Jets fans because they traded a 2nd for QAaron and even if the Browns and Lions are okay, someone sold their soul for Super Bowl III, even if we don’t know whodunnit.
-There are six different ways (the simplest one is to just win, but otherwise it involves MIN, SEA, and the NFC South)
-Jordan Love reminds QAaron of:
1. His brother, Jordan Rodgers, who he loathes
2. Fraternal love for his brother (see #1)
3. His own time dealing with Brittfar
The Seattle Seahawks clinch a playoff berth with:
-A win + GB loss or tie
-A tie, a GB loss, and a loss or tie by one of the two NFC South teams
The Seattle Seahawks clinch an increase in the Northwest’s blood pressure medications with:
-Both of these outcomes being up in the air on the last play of the game. And, let’s say, it’s in overtime for added stress.
The Minnesota Vikings earn scorn and derision FOR THE ENTIRE NFC if they clinch a playoff berth, due to:
-Them winning + losses by GB, SEA, and one of TB or NO, putting them as a wild card team at 8-9.
On the flip side:
The Carolina Panthers have clinched the #1 pick… for the Bears. They have also clinched the Dan Snyder Memorial Owner of the Year title after David Tepper’s $300K fine.
The Washington Commanders (.504 SOS) currently have the #2 pick
The New England Patriots (.527 SOS) currently have the #3 pick.
Presumably this would hold with losses by both teams (as I don’t know how the SOS would shift otherwise).
Other news:
–Zach Wilson is also sitting, but we figured that. It’s due to “concussion protocol.”
-Importantly not sitting: Josh Allen
In other sports news, they finally reached a real killscreen in Tetris. Yes, Tetris. The NES version. it’s come a long way in the last few years, which I know, sounds weird for a 34-year-old game. The person who hit the killscreen (which we learned about thanks to AI) is 13. Basically, once humans figured out how to move at the fastest screen, it was a matter of time… until they reached glitched colors, and then it was a matter of seeing the blocks. Once through that, a single line to level up at Level 155 could trigger the game to crash. Which he actually missed, but the next potential trigger was a single line at Level 157. I imagine it has something potentially to do with the lines cleared? If you notice, the hundreds digit is hexadecimal, so once you get to F00, that’s probably where the game starts to panic. I imagine there are plenty of next steps to take this, such as:
-Speedrun to crash
-Highest score to crash
-Highest line counter (latest place you can get it to crash, which has the added risk of fucking up and nullifying the whole thing) Apparently, there is a final level 255 of Tetris (which, funnily for a Soviet game, was all red), after which it rolls back to Level 1… if it doesn’t glitch out by then.
Okay, before you go in the locker with Horatio, what’s for watching?
Hockey’s interesting!
Less-Super Hughes Bros. vs. Alex Ovechkin’s Eternal Pursuit (NJD vs. WSH, 7:30, TNT)
Is basketball interesting yet?
Sirius vs. “Well, it’s cool, but it isn’t Sirius” (CHI vs. NYK, 8:30, ABC seriously has nothing good tonight)
Ex-LeBron vs. Current LeBron (MIA vs. LAL, 10:00, ESPN)
Is JV basketball interesting yet? No.
YARRRR vs. #23 Anti-yar? (Seton Hall vs. Providence, in progress, FS1)
Red Kentucky vs. Always the first 1 seed (Louisville vs. Virginia, 7:00, ESPN2)
#16 Son De Clem vs. Miami not Ohio (8:00, ESPN)
Stanford vs. UCLA (9:00, ESPN2)
Tweaker matchup! Fresno State vs. San Diego State (10:30, FS1)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xennials
Finally, a generation that meets criteria. I always identified more Gen-X than Millennial. I feel so vindicated.
The Lil’ WCSes (and associated Dukes) are “Generation Alpha.” Informally, “Coronials” is being tossed around.
This is shit that’s going to be read about us in a century, provided we haven’t wiped ourselves out yet.
I’m a late Boomer. I think they call us Generation Jones, but I have no idea why.
My mom is a Joneser, too. The old man is the definition of “Boomer” (except for his undying hatred of Trump*).
*Dad is as blue-collar union DEMMYCRAP as there is. However, he’s never liked Trump. This goes back to the 80s. I remember him pissed off about him being on Geraldo or Oprah (probably both), dad LOATHED The Apprentice, etc. I mean, he’s never liked Trump in general. The last nine years have been a study of later-stage radicalization, with the old man growing even MOAR leftie. Not exactly what the stereotypical ‘Nam vet Boomer voting demographic right now.
One more thing, I think the Korean War is going to start getting the recognition it deserves over the next decade. It ought to, anyway. I have to think most of the DFO contingent here knows or knew someone who was involved in that. My mom’s dad was in the Navy, and saw combat. So his older brother, in the Army at Incheon.
My dad was a Korean War vet.
I was born in ’62. Greatest year ever. I’m tail-end boomer but really early Gen X.
I was born in ’60. Ike was still president.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7MyOyeb6eo
Took ’em friggin’ long enough, seeing their Twitch stream has been around since before COVID. However, MST3K is now streaming live 25/8 on the U-toobs.
The other night you posted that Plantagenet series. I stayed up half the night watching the whole damn thing. It was verra good!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CdFRtnYTZY
This one about the Stuarts is also quite good. I can’t say the same about the Tudors. That one was just meh.
Guess who isn’t getting to bed early? I’m a sucker for this kind of stuff.
We ended up leaving an hour late, so will get into Chicago at 1:30 am. It’s hot as fuck on this plane so probably won’t get a nap in
I’m high as fuck [shocking] and starving to death, but I have this ginourmous kitten on my lap. My legs are numb. Pinned in the wreckage. Send help!
.
So lucky
Do you have any pets? And why don’t I know that? I’m a bad imaginary friend.
I’m gonna go visit some kittens in a couple weeks! Also my friends, but mostly the kitties
I wish I could help but I’ve got my own problems here…
So lucky
It’s not that I mind my mother-in-law’s cooking – it’s pretty good even though it’s 80% soups and broths – the problem is that when she’s here I never get to decide what we’re having for dinner. And I’m always stuck cleaning up. Which, again, isn’t so terrible, but I’d like the chance to cook and *not* have to clean once or twice during her visits.
Yeah, one of the underrated benefits of being the cook is always getting to eat something you’re in the mood for.
Things are now cristal clear having read this marvelous rundown.
Only thing this post needs is moar cleavage.
Damn Gina!
She has a really positive attitude.
Watching a doco on sloths in Suriname. Truly interesting.
Hey, my travel agent said it was a great deal!
It isn’t. 3k from here, AND on the return flight you fly to Amsterdam but only layover for 3 hours. That is Bullshit.
You should be able to connect through Trinidad and Tobago.
Ugh, can’t I just pick one?
Pick Trinidad. The surgeon general sez Tobago gives you cancer.
The KNBC weatherman is now a guy in a terrible suit with brown shoes.
Never wear brown shoes with a blue suit. Only cheap defense attorneys with billboards do that.
People who wear brown shoes with blue suits should be shot.
What happened to Fritz?
Maybe he got sent to daddy heaven with Fred Rogan.
Fred is alive and kicking in Gumbygirl’s backyard!!
https://www.desertsun.com/story/sports/2023/12/26/fred-roggin-trading-los-angeles-sports-for-new-kind-of-newscast-at-nbc-palm-springs/71660419007/
Shit, should have scrolled down!
Fred’s out in the desert now! He has the coveted 6:30 time slot, his first show was yesterday. Snarky and fun. I love me some Fred. But no Spiro, alas.
I think he’s Petros (same diff) but I always called him the Greek guy from USC. Him and Fred were great together after SNF, and I have no idea why they broke that up.
I know he’s got a different Greek name, I usually call him Not Spiro, but I can’t get the name out of my head. It may have something to do with my undying love for Spiro Agnew!
Lost to Reagan, picked Ferraro as Veep, leading to the slogan “Vote Fritz and Tits” because 1984 was a looooong time ago.
Everyone knows you should wear blue shoes with a blue suit
I bet his jacket only has 3 buttons too, what a pleb!
It’s everybody on that channel. They all look like as drab and unfashionable as defrocked priests and nuns, or wildly inappropriate like tight pants weathergirl. Seems weird that their style game would be so bad in LA.
We are waiting for the pilots to get here. Definitely useful to have them on board.
Check them out. See if they look nervous.
They’ve probably had enough drinks to be pretty relaxed.
Or drunk
I have to spend tomorrow trying to remember how to do data science for my next interview on Friday
Can’t you just make up numbers? I mean, if they could do that data science they wouldn’t need you, and since they can’t, there’s no way they’ll know if you making things up.
I don’t know, this company in a NPR sponsor so they might be on to that trick
My SIL is a theoretical astrophysicist. All of her published work, and there are thousands of pages of it, is full of mathematical symbols and formulae. Maybe Stephen Hawking can decipher it, but it gives me palpitations when I look at it.
The sister is a theoretical astrophysicist and the brother buys tickets to The Cult.
She’s married to Gumby’s sister.
Ha ha! That’s great!
So, basically, they both married well!
Just make up terms that your interviewers won’t know. Intimidate them, and then walk out abruptly.
It’s a zoom interview so maybe I should use the endless depths of infinity as my background. When you stare into my zoom background IT STARES BACK
Then take a fake phone call in the middle of the interview and conduct salary negotiations with the imaginary party on the other end. Demand courtside tickets to something.
There’s going to be live coding in Python, so I’m thinking it would be helpful to have a few different types of live snakes on hand
Or just start reciting lines from Life of Brian
Have the big O’Reilly Python reference book in front of you and when they ask you something look up every answer in the book.
I actually do have a hard copy of the O’Reilly Python for Data Analysis, that’s what I’m going to read through tomorrow to refresh my syntax, although I will always and forever accidentally use parentheses when returning a value from a function
2024 is only three days old, but this is already in the running for favorite threads of the year.
That’s the puss.
That cat Brick’s always posting. They’ll be mesmerized, and you can convince them to give you eleventy billion dollars, and 50 weeks annual vacation. Plus a lair in a volcano.
. . . or Brick’s other cat:
This ‘un, but I like the other one too, because he looks like my boy Henry.
Here she is. Weird.
Giving off those Hunger Game vibes.
Should have gone with the tuxedo shorts jumpsuit
Looks a bit Fantasy Island little person.
Lowratio’s got a girlfriend!
Somewhere in Connecticut, someone looks up from his bowl of gruel…
I mean, “looking up” is pretty much second nature for him.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrNim504lJE&list=RDGrNim504lJE&start_radio=1&ab_channel=kostas
Rev. Horton Heat beat Tetris in 1996.
Wigglestick!
Almost time to board my first flight in 2024! After reading all the Haneda coverage you better believe I’m gonna pay more attention to the safety briefing than I have in years
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdPy5Ikn7dw
The safety card actually has some pretty cute illustrations
To play this one you had to get into some Zen state, a oneness with the bombs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeKiml6aL1w
“Yeah, that’s not something I’d recommend.” – Jason Pierre-Paul
Zen and the Art Of Wiping Your Butt Lefthanded
This weatherperson on the NBC Los Angeles news is wearing the weirdest outfit. It’s kind of mesmerizing in it’s fugliness.
I had to look it up. The pink one with the black dots?
No, she has on 70’s looking gray polyester bell bottom pants with matching vest, a black see through shirt with a huge white collar and cuffs. The collar has a ruffled tie thing attached to it. Very weird and cheap looking. If you lit a match, she’d go up in flames in a millisecond.
I was told there’d be no math.
I don’t know who keeps telling people that, but they are wrong, there is occasionally math
I’d be perfectly happy in a math-free world.
I’m always amused by how 75% of “playoff clinching scenario” explainers deals with the possibility of ties, something that happens really rarely. I mean, I get it, you’ve got to cover all the bases, but still…
-D. McNabb
The thought of someone being able to Tetris at the mega-warp speed absolutely terrifies me. It was all I could do not to shit my pants and complete 1 or 2 moves before giving up.
I was pretty fantastic at Tetris as a kid. My best game could have been even better but I paused to go to dinner and then immediately died when I unpaused because I lost the groove