The NFL wastes no time chivvying its fans on to The Next Thing once the gratuitous bro-hugs-on-the-sidelines shots are finished- sometimes not even that long. I can’t be certain, but within ten seconds of the game-clinching Tuaception Sunday night it seemed like NBC was blaring ads about HOT PLAYOFF ACTION. This makes sense on a number of levels:

1. As a society, we have reduced our average attention span to that of a coked-up weasel; and

2. Roughly 80% of post-game analysis seems to revolve around that week’s Egregious Ref Screw-Up, so you can understand why the league would like you to move it along, nothing to see here, etc.

But there is an unacknowledged human cost to the glory of a completed NFL season. Like a war photographer, I feel it is my job to highlight the trail of bodies left behind after the roar of the crowd has died, lest we forget their sacrifice.

I am speaking, of course, of the coaches fired on or before Black Monday.

What, you thought I meant the young men whose joints and limbs were destroyed and whose lives were likely shortened by our Beloved Game? No- the real heroes are the mediocre middle-aged white men (and Ron Rivera) who saw this system, this deadly game, and still stepped up to say “I want to make millions of dollars from this without enduring any of the pesky ‘physical violence’ involved.”

This year’s post-game bloodbath was really more of a blood-bidet, with only one (Washington’s Ron Rivera) actually getting the axe on Monday. Arthur Blank could not resist the urge to toss Arthur Smith in the trashcan following the Falcons’ Sunday debacle against the Aints (and who can blame him?), while the three other presumably open positions were…uh…opened between Halloween and mid-December. LATE NOTE: one last drop of urine has been shaken off at the urinal of Black Monday, with Mike Vrabel being fired after six years in Nashville.

For those of you who missed it, here is the quick rundown of each fired coach and situation:

THAT’S MY RAIDERS?:

Former Coach: Josh McDaniels- fired on Halloween.

Why Was He Fired: Because he’s Josh Fucking McDaniels. He was made to be fired. Of all the rotten fruit of the Bill Belichick coaching vine, he and Matt Patricia are perhaps the most openly hateable. Josh McDaniels exemplifies the expression “you’re not as smart as you think you are,” in this case because no one in human history has been as smart as McDaniels thinks he is. When Bowlcut Mark Davis makes a bold personnel decision to fire you and everyone (EVERYONE) agrees that it was the right move, you have well and truly shat the bed.

Interim: Former Giants defender Antonio Pierce. After taking over, he posted a 5-4 record, and the players seem fairly unanimous in supporting him for the permanent gig. I tend to agree- he and interim offensive coordinator Bo Hardegree deserve massive credit for posting a winning record 1. in a time of turmoil, 2. for the Raiders, and 3. with this goofy-looking fucker as a starting quarterback.

Steve Wilks with Carolina and Rich Bisaccia (the last Raiders interim coach) both did similarly impressive jobs and had similar grass-roots support from their players. You will note that neither of them actually got a shot to get comfortable in the Big Chair, and so I assume it will go with Pierce.

Is It A Good Job? No, not really. All due respect to Officer Favra up there, but he’s not a quarterback you start intentionally. They have all their draft picks, but unfortunately that tops out at #13, putting the top passers in the draft are out of reach (unless the new GM decides to push all his money into the pot on the first hand, which he won’t). They have a reasonable cap situation (projected $50 million plus), but as we discussed in previous columns, the free agent quarterback is warm garbage squeezings. Even the Russell Wilson card doesn’t make this look like a winning hand- they don’t have the line he needs at this stage in his career. Frankly, the best potential here is hoping that the Bears’ head gets turned by Caleb Williams or Drake Maye and they’re willing to trade Justin Fields cheap. Fields may not be the answer, but he’s a legitimate starting QB in that weird liminal space where he might (might) thrive with a change of scenery, which is better than any of the other options I see for them. Both the offense and defense were massively inconsistent all year, a situation that is unlikely to stabilize with Josh Jacobs likely on his way out of town. It’s a rebuild without a quarterback in the Chiefs’ division, and that’s not an inviting spot if you have any better options.

Whose Going to Get It?: Rumors have Jim Harbaugh considering a switch back to the pros during that twilight after the championship but before the sanctions (“the Pete Carroll Zone”), and this could be a reasonable fit, although the Chargers seem more likely. I’m going to play the odds here and say “Mediocre Young White Offensive Coordinator”- Ben Johnson of Detroit.

WASHINGTON REDACTEDS (pending rebrand from “Commanders”)

Former Coach: Ron Rivera- fired 1/8

Why Did He Get Fired: The same reason he got fired in Carolina- steady mediocrity is not enough in the face of new ownership’s desire to put its own “stamp” on the team. It’s very hard to judge Rivera’s role in Washington’s performance the last four years: 26-40-1 is not a pretty picture for any team, with only one season at or above .500 and one playoff appearance (not the same season). However, there is certainly a Degree of Difficulty modifier when the sled you’re trying to pull is weighted down with as much organizational and cultural dysfunction as Washington under Late Stage Snyderism. While I wouldn’t hold out much hope for the Josh Harris Era as a significant performance improvement (think Tepper for Jerry Richardson), at least it’s likely to be a different kind of suck.

Is It A Good Job?: Not until we see affirmative evidence of culture change. In spite of a perfect opportunity to clean house, Harris is apparently retaining Martin Mayhew has general manager, notable for his occasionally-promising-but-deeply-chaotic 8 year run in Detroit. His run since 2021 has not been a highlight film of brilliant moves- maybe Dan Snyder forced him to trade for Carson Wentz, but the rest of the roster is the usual mismatched scraps of ill-fitting talent. That said, Harris has hired Rick Spielman (architect of many incredibly uneven Vikings teams) and Bob Myers (who apparently inherited Steph Curry and hired Steve Kerr, making his basketball genius undeniable and applicable to any sport) to help find a coach as restructure the front office. So look for Mayhew to be summarily shitcanned after the draft. Like Vegas, Washington is a team without a QB and no coherent structure to plug one into. Their best players were traded during the season, and their offensive line had Sam Howell contending for David Carr’s single-season sack record until very late in the season.

The difference here is draft position: Washington sits in the #2 seat, giving them real options if they believe in (presumably) Drake Maye. Alternatively, they can sell off the position for a pretty hefty ransom and hope another QB falls into their lap while rebuilding. They also have quite a bit of cap space if they want to shore up their roster that way.

Who Will Get the Job: Steve Kerr.

ATLANTA FALCONS:

Former Coach: FedEx heir Arthur Smith

Why Did He Get Fired: He was unable to build a winning team around Desmond Ridder and Taylor Heineke. I cannot fault him for that. He also has a Punchability Index surprisingly near Josh McDaniels, confirmed by his post-game hissy fit over Jameis and Company running up the score from the 1 yard line. It wasn’t gonna save your job, mate.

Is It A Good Job?: Hard to tell. Arthur Blank is a turd, but seems to confine his meddling to showing up on the sidelines to celebrate. Terry Fontenot might be a good GM or might be Rich McKay’s errand boy stuck with making the moves dictated by an out-of-the-loop dinosaur. They might have an impressive roster outside the QB and defensive line positions, given the star power in the so-called “skill positions” (Drake London, Bijan Robinson, underrated Tyler Allgeier and Kyle Pitts). Plus, the NFC South is a steaming pile of dogshit free to anyone willing to pick it up, meaning even a slight improvement could lead to a post-season berth immediately. Problem is that Atlanta is stuck in that same middle space for QB purposes- 8th pick overall. The Falcons do have some ammunition to move- Calvin Ridley’s performance upgraded the Jags pick to a third rounder, plus with all the young talent on rookie contracts, they may be a little more free with future first rounders than other teams. Similarly, they are probably one of the better landing spots for Justin Fields in the trade scenario above- good surrounding cast, cap room for an extension if he plays well, etc.

Who Will Get the Job?: Feeling very strong Dan Quinn “remarriage after a relatively amicable divorce” vibes here.

DON T’S SLIGHTLY LESS THAN NORMALLY MAGNIFICENT TITS:

Who Was The Coach: Mike Vrabel (54-45 in six seasons, Coach of the Year 2021)

Why Was He Fired: Fuck if I know. This one seems to have been pretty out-of-left-field even for the Take Industrial Complex- rumors are swirling that he and GM Ran Carthon (epic Star Wars Name) did not get along, but still. After the Titans collapsed down the stretch last year and never really got off the floor this year until they stuck it to the jaguars (thanks, btw), I guess it makes some sense. But when you look at what he was working with the last two years (the broken remnants of Derrick Henry, the corpse of Ryan Tannehill, the Not Ready For Arena League Players (Malik Willis and Will Levis) and not-AJ Brown) it’s hard to put a lot of blame on the coaching staff. Given that Vrabel was being talked about as a potential Belichick replacement, this is just weird.

Is It A Good Job?: Meh. It has the potential to be- there are interesting pieces even after Tanny and Tractorcito move on this offseason, and there is a LOT of cap space. Tennessee picks seventh, so they are looking at Michigan’s JJ McChucklefuck as their best likely available option to solve QB through the draft this year. If they are stupid (and by all accounts Carthon is not) they could pursue a high-priced veteran placeholder like Cousins or a low-priced flier like a cut Russell Wilson while trying to develop a later-round pick. That doesn’t change the fact that the roster is constructed around the archaic run-run-pass-and-hold-them-on-defense philosophy that they’ve had since Jeff Fisher. They can change that relatively fast if they want to spend the money, but there’s a faintly Bears-ish whiff around the team: you can change coaches, but the mindset seems to linger.

Who Will Get It?: Owner Amy Adams Strunk strikes me as this generation’s Virginia McCaskey/Martha Ford- she’s willing to entertain innovation (like hiring Carthon) but can only tolerate one progressive idea at a time. Bitch is president of a fox-hunting organization, for fuck’s sake. Look for a mediocre white retread (Jim Schwartz, Dan Quinn) to counterbalance Carthon’s “modern” ideas like having more than one functional wide receiver.

SAN DIE…ER, LOS ANGELES CHARGERS

Who Was the Coach: Brandon Staley (24-24 in most of 3 seasons)

Why Was He Fired: Never has a man done less with more. The Chargers should be gearing up for the playoffs right now, and given how vulnerable the Chiefs were this year, it probably should have been a home game.

Well, “home” game- there’s really no such thing as home-field advantage for the Chargers, as road fans consistently dominate the crowd at SoFi Stadium. It was bad enough when they playing in front of 20,000 people at StubHub Depends Field, but having to consistently run a silent snap count in your “own” stadium is just embarrassing.

The amount of money and talent concentrated in this team is staggering.

*Justin Herbert

*Khalil Mack

*Joey Bosa

*Keenan Allen.

*Derwin James

*Rashawn Slater

*Austin Ekeler

*Donald Parham Jr.

*Asante Samuel Jr.

*Briscoe County Jr.

It reads like a Madden roster when you have Salary Cap set to “Off”.  But through a combination of poor scheming, poor motivation and baffling playcalls, Staley managed to piss away a 27 point playoff lead last year, and then went 5-9 this year with no indication he had any idea what he was doing. When Justin Herbert went down with a season-ending injury, General Manager Tom Telesco and the Spanoi wisely ended the farce and fired him.

Interim: Giff Smith. No, that is neither a typo nor a joke.

Look at him. Stare into his eyes. He is not one of those Uncanny Valley Dall-E images generated from the prompt “photograph of platonic NFL coach” although you would be forgiven for thinking that. “Giff” isn’t even short for something like “Gifford,” as far as I can tell; his parents just looked down at his pasty, angry little smushed newborn face and said “looks like a ‘Giff’ to me.” No one will ever displace Jim Bob Cooter on my list of Great Coach Names, but Giff Smith…he’s up there.

Anyway, he sucked, went 0-3, no one liked him.

Is It a Good Job?: So in any long-term romantic relationship, you weigh the good and the bad and decide if it’s worth it to you. I had a high school friend who married the shrillest, most unpleasant harpy of a woman anyone in our group had ever met. Like, it was so bad that we breached our sacred obligation to lie when he ask “so what do you think?” and actually told him what we thought. He thought about it for a moment, and responded “Yeah, but she’s hot, cooks and loves anal.” Well, there’s not really anything you can say to that, so we congratulated him on his happiness and promptly did a Homer-Fades-Into-The-Hedge thing. It was worth it to him to put up with the daily friction in exchange for..um..that stuff.

So it is with the Chargers job. Not that I’m comparing working for the Spanos family to anal sex; the general consensus seems to be that you would have to wrap the member in question in pickle-juice-soaked barbed wire before inserting in your own unlubricated rectum in order to accurately compare the two.  But goddamn if there’s not a whole lot of tempting talent on that roster (see above). They’re projected to be about $34 million over the cap next year, but cutting Allen and Mike Williams alone gets them well into compliance. Normally this would be suicidal, but the Chargers hold the 5th overall pick. Assuming for the moment that the top 3 teams (either the current ones or ones who trade in) do the smart thing and take one of the top QBs, Marvin Harrison Jr. or Malik Nabers will fall to the Chargers. That instantaneously makes up for any loss of talent in the WR room. The idiot rich indeed have the opportunity to get richer, given Allen and Williams’ age and injury issues. There are very few foreseeable reasons that this team cannot go 11-6 next year, and they are the only open spot with a settled quarterback situation, let alone a budding star like Justin Herbert.

Who Will Get It?: It irks the Spanoi to no end that they are the fourth most popular football team in a two-team town. It hits the value of the team, and it hits the ego. Accordingly, look for the splashy hire here- bringing in A Name would be the single simplest way to woo the fanbase that has given the team the stiff arm for the last six years. If there’s a situation that could tempt either Belichick or Jim Harbaugh to take a new gig, this would probably be it- this is not a rebuild, nor is it a reload; this is just fixing glitches. As hard as it is to picture Darth Hoodie with a suntan, I would not be shocked.

CAROLINA PANTHERS

Who Was Their Coach: Frank Reich, who didn’t even last a season.

Why Was He Fired: Because his owner is an asshole. Reich is the first coach since I’ve been watching football that has been fired in the middle of his first season for reasons other than gross incompetence (Nathaniel Hackett) or scandal (Urban Meyer). Reich’s team and scheme were not good, but they weren’t teeth-achingly shitty the way last year’s Broncos or the early-century Lions were. He had a rookie quarterback who was at best underdeveloped, tiny Miles Sanders as the only offensive threat, and an offensive line that might be made up of government assassins, given how intent they were on getting Bryce Young killed.

Honestly and truly, if CJ Stroud hadn’t come out swinging and made David Tepper look bad for forcing the Young pick, I think Reich would have at least finished the season.

Interim: “Scott Tabor”.

Is It a Good Job?: Ironically, they’re going to need another Riverboat Ron to take this job- someone both desperate and self-confident enough to gamble on everything breaking juuuust right. First, you have to assume that David Tepper is getting tired of his reputation as a hyperactive Queen of Hearts, shouting “Off with his head!” at the slightest provocation- if so, maybe he’s willing to take hold of himself and give the next coach some actual rope before getting to the hanging part. Then, you have to hope Bryce Young is going to make real progress and be more Smurf Josh Allen than Tiny Zach Wilson- this, at least, you have some control over. You have to hope Brian Burns is willing to negotiate a long-term extension, because his franchise tag is going to take up roughly half their available cap space next year. Finally, you have to hope that three quarters of other teams’ players die an unexpected and sudden death, and that they are forced to field strike-replacement-level players next year.

So no. Not a great job. This is truly going to have to be a “find a diamond in the rough” coaching search. I know NFL coaches are generally neurotic weirdos with the Rise and Grind Mindset tattooed on the backs of their eyelids, but I have a hard time seeing any coach with other options (including a decent coordinator job) looking at this and saying “yes, sign me up for this designed-to-fail shitshow”.

Who Will Get It?: Now watch- Belichick decides to take the gig to really prove he doesn’t need a star quarterback to win.  But in reality, my money is on Seahawks offensive coordinator Shane Waldron. He’s got the Sean McVay Pedigree, the New England ties that every white male asshole owner covets, and a track record of reviving a cast-off quarterback who never fulfilled his potential.

Unless of course he takes the New England job once Belichick fucks off for Los Angeles.

NFL NEWS

-BAD TIMES IN PITTSBURGH: The Steelers, fresh off scraping into the playoffs by the thinnest of margins, roll into Buffalo with a full head of bad energy. Defensive heart and soul (and league sack leader) TJ Watt is out with a knee injury. Star safety Minkah Fitzpatrick is at the “optimistic” level of whether he will play or not, which for a knee injury is not great even if he does. Walking personal foul Damontae Kazee comes back from his three game suspension, ensuring the Bills will get at least 45 free penalty yards. And Mason Fucking Rudolph remains the starter in front of Kenny Pickett. I get riding the hot hand, especially when the other hand has been cold (and tiny) all year. But in a game where Pittsburgh is expected to get their doors blown off, I wonder at the value of completely wrecking Pickett’s confidence for next season and beyond. If he’s definitively Not the Guy, fine, but the Steelers better have a Plan for replacing him now.

-Denver Broncos are attempting to do damage control about two weeks late on the Russell Wilson situation.

After it surfaced that the Broncos came to Wilson during the bye week and said “adjust your guarantees or we’ll bench you”, the NFLPA got all in a tizzy- because that’s kind of an unfair labor practice- and sent a letter to the team saying “do it and we will fuck you up.” Of course, the team later did it anyway and seems completely unapologetic about it, with GM George Paton saying, “During the bye week, I did reach out to Russ’ agent in a good faith and a creative attempt, to adjust his contract[.] We couldn’t get a deal done, and we moved on with our season.”

Paton was asked how Wilson and his representatives could have felt as if the threat of benching the quarterback existed if no compromise was reached on a contract adjustment.

“That’s a good question. Again, we tried to make an adjustment to the contract; we did so with what we feel professionally is in the best interest of the Broncos.”

That’s what we call a “non-denial.” He absolutely did that.

However, the team’s lawyer appears to have had a word or two with management, as Paton stated that no decision had been made yet on bringing Wilson back next year and that there is “a scenario” that was discussed with Wilson about him coming back. I interpret this as a gesture to try and suggest that the Broncos were not wedded to the concept of doing whatever it takes to avoid paying Wilson money called for in his contract. Which they absolutely are- no football team in history has decided it was in the interests of winning to start Jarrett Stidham.