Welcome, welcome fans of the NFL. Not so long ago this would be a game that you would consciously avoid were it a regular season tilt but the times have indeed changed and I think coaches Stefanski and Ryans are the primary reasons. Houston’s GM gets a little credit as well for drafting intelligently. All in all, it’s not a bad way to start the post-season festivities.
To The Game!
Browns/Texans:
-Phenomenal rookie Stroud absolutely tears apart zone defenses. The problem? Cleveland plays man just about more than any other team. And guess what? C.J. is a bottom 6 qb vs that setup.
-Those Browns are favored in a playoff game for the first time since Nigeria moved its capital city from Lagos to Abuja! (thanks Wiki)
-Who will step up if, as expected, the secondary bends coverage towards Nico Collins? Both Noah Brown and Robert Woods are hobbled-to what extent we don’t know because, why would they miss a playoff game if they were able to walk? Xavier Hutchinson has come up small in a few recent games, having one catch on seven targets. Maybe the wildcard is John Metchie, a guy that can’t stay healthy but his Alabama pedigree may manifest itself.
-Still Old: When Flacco was starting his first playoff game Stroud was a wee 8 year-old. Isn’t it amazing that some people are old and other people aren’t as old?
-Successful Rebuild: The Texans last played an extra game back in 2019. Only three players from today’s roster played in that fixture-that’s quite a bit of turnover.
-Cooper went bananas the last time these teams clashed but ends Anderson and Greenard weren’t around and starting cb Cashman was sitting as well. That said, I’d take the over on his 73.5 receiving prop.
Let’s have some fun.
Phalanx.
…and Cleveland finally turns into a pumpkin!
3f13feee20d9a941ff9a5e15f74753e3.jpg (669×635) (pinimg.com)
Legit
BLOWOUTS ARE LARGER IN TEXAS
Amazingly enough, Brazilian blowouts have nothing to do with Brazilian waxes.
“Tell me more.”
We got a great big CON-VOOOOOYYYYY
(and yes i have this)
THe second 45 I ever bought.
First 45 I ever bought: Play that Funky Music White Boy
ELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My youngest is having 5 of his buddies over tonight – the noise level is amazing. Mrs. Fozz just said, “I have to run out. You’re in charge.”
How much alcohol can I distribute to these monsters?
Depends on how quickly you can lure and trap them in the shed.
I think we established earlier that you should mix martinis for kids
Alcohol’s not going to bring the noise level down.
Another substance though…
Does seem like a quick and easy way to get out of being left in charge in similar future situations though
True story: My first born son was five days old, my wife was getting her nails done. It was raining. I left him in the car to come inside and give her money.
“Where’s the baby ?”
“In the car. I didn’t want to get him wet.”
‘WHAAAAAT?”
Every woman in that salon was ready to kill me.
I’m awake! I’m awake! What’d I miss?!
Alot of BLEERGH and work to re-punt, for a net gain of maybe 4 inches.
Houston is real and they’re spectacular.*
*final result pending
Goodell died.
Our Peacock trial scam!
So yeah. I hate this sport.
Have you considered NOT being a Browns fan?
Found my stashes. I got Campri, cheap whiskey, moscato, merlot and rum. No vodka. I have half a lid of weed. Its too cold so a mixed drink it is. Off to mix something up.
Sommet I noticed paying “full” attention to a 500s game – Stroud’s footwork is legitimately badass. Body control, too.
From what I gathered reading some interviews, he was playing as a kid with a ton of other elite QBs, and he was always considered outside the top 2 or 3. My guess is he put in a ton of work building good habits and we’re seeing that payoff now, because he really does make it look natural
A few of his longer throws were on second reads. He’s a keeper.
Miami Dolphins players and fans arriving in Kansas City (artistic interpretation)
Cool Runnings – Arriving in Canada (HD) (youtube.com)
ppl forget that “C.J.” stands for “Corenthal James”
You’re right, I did forget that!
u must be ppl!!!
“As long as I’m nawt soylent green or trent green
Say what you want about Jimmy Kimmel, but I’ll say this, he’s an insufferable douche who failed upward.
He’s Jimmy Fallon except he doesn’t have Lorne Michaels’ shit on his nose.
I’ll take Kimmel over Fallon.
I’ll also eat cat food over dog food. It’s all the same garbage.
Craig Ferguson was the last good talk show host.
Conan is still awesome. Ferguson needs to resurface.
Narrator: “We’ve replaced Southeast Kansas City with the ice planet Hoth from The Empire Strikes Back. Let’s see if the people notice.”
“If we win, I’m eating one of those Tauntauns!”
-You Know Who
Dak dies tomorrow.
Collinsworth Junior is just a nepotism hire.
Throw Chris Simms on that pile.
The annoying downside to the draft is consistently sending the best young talent to toxic teams like the Browns that have destroyed many a career before they even have a chance to get paid. I’m also entertained that all the ‘MURICA people don’t see it as socialism to redistribute talent based on need rather than merit every year.
COUNTERPOINT: Mike Bidwell’s sexuality aside (I’ll spell the name right when they win a Superb Owl), the Cardinals are vast expanse of emptiness.
So in today’s edition of “the universe hates brocky”…
So i have mentioned this, but I have something called a “2nd” job. This second job is for a faceless corporation, and like all faceless corporations they hold a holiday party, except ours is after the holidays, because they apparently can’t justify taking that many people off the sales floor at once.
Any ways, they got free food and raffled items, ranging from big to small, and every year a grand prize
I never pay much attention to thr raffle, only ever gotten gift cards, yadda yadda, so imagine my suprise when not even two hours ago I was informed that I had in fact won the grand prize.
Long story short I got a free 55″ LG smart TV. Not a bad get.
And of course I don’t have the right vehicle to transport it, so gonna have to call in a favor tomorrow
Turn that frown upside down, Tiger. You had a good happen to you.
What is this “postponed due to weather” bullshit in Buffalo?
What the fuck? Is this baseball?
DID SOMEBOHDAY SAY PITCHAS AND CATCHAS?!!
-pats fans the next 20 years
Oh fuck, 30?, 40?
Who wants some Halftime Foster Kittens video?
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C1_XGEFLpTK/
I like to play a game in post season football during crowd shots, it’s called “Guess the Bandwagon Fan.” It’s incredibly easy. For instance, any woman in the front row wearing one of those idiotic straw cowboy hats can’t name one person on the team. Or the name of the team.
A younger QB would’ve gotten out of that jam.
We get a No mas! moment to end the half. If this franchise was real and had any fans, they’d be over the moon!
Moon Under Water was Orwell’s favoUrite imaginary pub!
500’s are running a train on the Browns secondary
The Browns secondary should be so embarrassed they should crawl under a rock. Holy Shit, they’re chasing their tails.
THE BROWNS SECONDARY LEMME TELL YA I CALL THEM UVALDE PD BECAUSE THERES A SHOOTOUT IN TEXAS AND THEYRE DOING JACK FUCKING SHIT
Oh my.
Banner!
I don’t care how bad of taste it’s in!
Did you guys know it’s going to be cold in Kansas City? First I’ve heard of it.
“How’s that affect brisket production?”
-A. Reid
Stroud didn’t let that one deep miss throw him askew. Purty. Can’t rattle this guy.
He’s good, but he’s no Bryce Young.
no Bryce Young
-What Carolina would say if there were ‘take back-sies’ in the draft
This High School Musical sequel looks like poop.
As opposed to all of the other ones?
Imagine catching a beer can right in the face from Manning.
If a Manning threw a Beer at me aint no way I try to catch it. Let the beer hit me right in the eye for that sweet settlement money.
One of the best ever SNL bits.
The best SNL hosts are the ones who fully commit to the role.
Part of the reason I’ve always been reluctant to be a big fan of his is how hard he tries to maintain his “aw shucks” good guy image.
Guy has always had a competitive angry side and tries so hard to never let it show
So he’s Will Smith?
WHY IS THE DOOR OPEN!?!?
Even worse, it’s a shitty beer.
Peyton is saying: Please resume Bud Lite purchases and consumption. I am not a tranny.
THIS CLEVELAND DEFENSE I CALL IT PEPTO BISMOL CAUSE THEY’RE STOPPING THE RUNS
Hey Hippo, looks like all it took for our faith in Singletary to be rewarded was for him to be traded to a team that recognizes his talent.
FIRST YEAR I had zero shares of that guy. Drove me bananas and then some.
Strange how the Bills turned things around later in the season after they started giving Cook more than 7 touches a game.
Seriously, they used premium picks on both guys, too. Why would you do that and treat them like a backup interior lineman?
Seriously, I need a fix here. Caffeine, liquor or weed, something. I went liquor free when I got sick since it tasted like rubbing alcohol to me. I go straight to alcohol poisoning and not happy drunk after 2 drinks now. My body hates me.
Gummies. Or liquid CBD, I’m on that shit right now and it’s amazing.
Drugs. The answer to EVERY problem is DRUGS.
My wife freaks out every Saturday morning because of all the shit she thinks she has to do. I instituted a new rule: CBD and coffee. Shits working great.
I’m old fashioned and a classicist. I prefer alcohol mixed with prescription opiates, used in proper combinations and quantities (“proper” = more than prescribed but less than lethal)
Is it a violation of child labor laws when the NFL gives a toddler a pirated copy of photoshop and has them make all the graphics for the broadcast?
Not if they remote work from Islamabad
Not all Make-A-Wish kids want to be on the field, I guess.
If they are unchained from their desk every 14 hours, it’s cool with the NFL.
“I vacuumed upstairs.”
“Ok.”
Wife currently vacuuming upstairs.
Anyone have any fentanyl?
I didn’t realize you and RTD were related by marriage.
Infuriating.
BROTHER!!!!
My son showed me a video today of a KC fan putting on 7 layers of clothes. No game is worth that bullshit.
KC fan? Layer 7 must’ve been a tent.
That was an Electric Boogaloo tackling.
Soccer clinic today. Tiger Mom, yelling at her child through the plexiglas. Kid is 9.
“Fuck you. The world doesn’t need another asshole in youth sports.”
That was in my head.
Dammit! I forgot to setup my “Peacock activation” phishing site.
I can’t believe how fucking dumb people are – why would you keep your product, at its highest consumption rate – away from fans?
I’m guessing the truckful of money that Peacock backed into Goodell’s driveway might have something to do with it
I want to see the data on how many Peacock subscriptions were purchased for the MIA-KC game and then cancelled right after. And I bet the NFL wants to know those numbers as well.
Dog: “Hooman, you get new floor?”
Me: “It’s a rug.”
Dog: “I pee on it, make sure you know it’s mine.”
Me: Fuuuuuuuuck
We quit putting out rugs because of this.
Bonus: it’s a rug for the back of the basement. WHY DO WE NEED A RUG BACK THERE? NO ONE GOES THERE!
Our husky is the designated rug-ruiner
I CALL THIS TEXANS/BROWNS GAME TOMAS DE TORQUEMADA’S FAVORITE BECAUSE ALL THE CORNERBACKS ARE GETTING BURNED.
Those punts come on the back of five straight scoring drives
When you said “come on the back of” I thought you were talking about Antonio Brown.
Or John Holmes
Grabbed a local Chicago gin to try when I was picking up some Malort for Litre. Think I will try it out with a G&T
Thank you!
Weirdly enough the didn’t have it at the normal grocery store, but they’ve always carried it at Whole Foods around here
Henderson’s with cucumber slices, the girliest drink I drink
Hendricks is lovely with cukes and mint.
My sister introduced it to me one night on vacation and I was fucking hammered.
Let me guess-it’s called, “He’s In The Car” gin.
With Ryans, and Mayo next year – makes me wonder if we will start seeing MOAR linebackers get HC gigs. They are responsible for defensive calls, so would make some logical sense.
I have Brian Bosworth on the phone for you sir.
Is he calling from Fansville?
Burning a timeout because they’re huffy over questionable officiating? Brownsian!
andy reid when the bbq joint gets the order wrong
It’s almost like the browns and texans knew no one was gonna be watching and now they’re collectively ticked off
I saw potential in this game but not this much.
I think every single 500s playoff game has aired in the Sat 4:30 window, and usually for good reason. Today is a real star turn.
Another draft and Tank Dell back in the fold? Looks like they’ll be my fave backup team.
There has been some great QB stats thus far.
All right we got a shootout
This is like a heavyweight fight!
/between two guys that can’t lift their fists above their waist
(scowls)
-J. McCain
So, if I’m reading this right….
In order for a Flacco return in Baltimore, browns have to win here, while the chiefs and bills have to win their freezer bowl games
The Browns are really brownsing things up in unexpected ways