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Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
And yet to every bad there’s a worse [in bed].
Thomas Hardy
You don’t need to tell me about the monsters that scare the monsters under the bed. – Eli.
As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.
Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
Today, Death travels the Potomac by Riverboat.
blaxabbath
Coach, you had a negative point differential, three different starting quarterbacks, fired an offensive “coordinator” mid-season, lost to three teams who finished well below .500, but still finished with double-digits wins, a 5-1 record against the AFC North, and made the playoffs. Can you describe how your Voodoo is capable of all that?
WCS
So far Penix has displayed poor arm strength, poor accuracy, poor decision-making, and an inability to deal with pressure.
Which means that right now the Bears front office is trying to figure out how they can somehow trade up from #1 to make sure they get him.
Horatio Cornblower
Actual conversation between me and my friend:
Friend: so wait, is this the same woodson on nfl network?
Me: no that’s rod woodson. He went to purdue and played for the Steelers. The guy they’re showing is charles woodson. He went to Michigan. They’re both in the hall of fame, and both played for the Raiders.
beat
Friend: your mom plays for the Raiders
Brocky
Don T
Found a funny:
Just got a random text from a guy wanting to meet up in the woods to compare dick sizes.
Fucking weirdo. Didn’t even show up
Brocky
I consider you friends, so I will share one exchange from tonight’s counseling session.
“I know you want to say ‘Fuck you I’m fucking out of here’ to your family.”
“Yeah, I really do.”
“Don’t do it.”
“Really?”
“Yes, take my word for it.”
jjfozz
Meanwhile, a viable candidate circles the graveyard, waiting his turn…
Beerguyrob
Looking at flights to Yinzburgh in March to visit a buddy of mine. I feel like the wish.com version of Zymm.
Sharkbait
here’s hoping pete carroll got fired at 9:11 PST, and via automated text/email/etc got hit with a second notice less than an hour later
fleshwound_NPG
It doesn’t matter because, I’m proud to say, I only get talking shows updates here where they’ve already been filtered and the joke exposed — BUT — I think someone needs to go hard at these dipshits who think their role in the world is to be a loophole and homogenizor for lunatic pricks to speak libel.
Oh the FoxNews “it’s just my opinion but also this is the only true true truth” bullshit was fine because politics is already dirty/messy and both sides and everyone knows every POS on cable news is not to ever be believed. Now we’ve got it in stupid sports that plays teams once a week and will go into literally any space now and our “heroes” are driving towards infowars and we’re gonna say, “Well MacAfee just hosts the show!”
This whole fucking mindset that everyone gets to somehow insulate themselves from any action by blocking, lying, and acting fucking ignorant the point is fucked. And, of course, it’s the “I only speak english and everyone shoukl too!” fuckwits who are the ones who never ‘understand’ the most basic agreement in principle.
blaxabbath
I’m reading this as “we must hunt down and destroy Pat MacAfee” and I’m in.
Horatio Cornblower
He seems like the type of “muscle bro” who’d collapse in a ball and cry when the first punch got thrown.
King Hippo
Pat: “Hi, random person”
Me: “YEAH…HEREWEGO” punch punch punch stab punch cockslap
SonOfSpam
I don’t have dominant and non-dominant hands. I have a passive-aggresive hand and a co-dependent hand
Doktor Zymm
My first job out of college was here, and I started there as a C developer in 1987. I’m still in touch with people that I worked with 35+ years ago. We lost to AOL because it was treated as a cash cow when every dollar and then some should have been put back in the company. I just found out today that they put up a historical marker there.
Marker text: “The world headquarters of CompuServe was located on the six-acre site at 5000 Arlington Centre Boulevard from 1973 to 2009. Incorporated in 1969, Compu-Serve Corporation (later CompuServe Inc.) was the first major online information services provider. Its subscribers were the first to have access to email, online newspapers and magazines, the ability to share and download files, and a variety of popular chat forums. One especially successful CompuServe innovation was the GIF graphics format. Increasing competition and a succession of corporate owners pressed CompuServe into the fate of many tech start-ups and it ran its course. It did, however, introduce millions of people to online connectivity, social networking, and laid the foundation for the widespread use of the internet.”
The founder, Jeff Wilkins, is on the left, and that POS Lt. Gov. John Husted is on the right.
BugEyedBoo
I love Weaselo’s [team] names.
ballsofsteelandfury
That was much to say [ for Taylor day 3]. Well done Sir.
2Pack
Great I read this whole thing and fell behind on work stuff.
Or, to put it another way
Look what you made me do
SonOfSpam
Oh, just shake it off
Redshirt
-24 degrees F here right now.
For fuck sakes people, we go through this shit every fucking year. That stuff on the ground? Snow. Is it shiny? IT’S FUCKING ICE. There are ways to drive like a fuckhead and there are ways to drive so you live. Momentum can either help you or get you killed. WALK THAT FUCKING LINE! IT ISN’T THE FIRST TIME IT HAS BEEN THIS COLD YOU USELESS FUCKS>
litre_cola
MRS. PAUL’S GETTING TICKETS TO THE KC MIAMI GAME, CAUSE SHE LOVES FROZEN FISH STICKS!
jjfozz
We also would have accepted “I haven’t seen Chiefs this cold since I had cleanup duty on the Trail of Tears” but that’s borderline insensitive.
SonOfSpam
I’m pulling progressively larger potatoes out of the oven as they finish baking, and each one is more decadent than the last.
First potato: butter
Second potato: cheddar
Third potato: butter and cheddar
Fourth potato: avocado and cheddar
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Slow down, Coach Reid.
LemonJello
1
Reply
Brocky
Reply to LemonJello
January 11, 2024 7:46 pm
Slow down, Coach Britt Reid
FTFY
Brocky
Let’s get Sexy Friday started a day early with this smokin’ hot photo of Ron DeSantis shaking the hand of his own wife.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
“This is a thing humans do, right?”
SonOfSpam
Wait, I’ve got something better.
WE ARE MERELY EXCHANGING LONG PROTEIN STRINGS. IF YOU CAN THINK OF A SIMPLER WAY I’D LIKE TO HEAR IT.
SonOfSpam
I’m guessing Lillian Hellman wasn’t available.
https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/39293221/patriots-hire-jerod-mayo-replace-bill-belichick-sources-say
scotchnaut
His top assistant:
SonOfSpam
Mouse update:
I caught the mouse in the kitchen. Had the little bastard in my hands, but he squirmed out because I a) did not want to get bit, (it was a moment of opportunity and I did not have gloves), and b) I really didn’t want to crush a mouse with my bare hands. That’s just psycho shit.
Later on the cat finally got off his lazy ass and cornered the mouse by the fireplace. He sat there crouched, staring intently. The mouse ran around some books, scooted onto the firewood, and eventually got nose-to-nose with the cat before jumping down between the cat’s paws and then scooting off somewhere. Cat never even tried to catch him.
The mouse disappeared and the cat, having completely failed and in fact not even tried to do his job, went over to an old pile of catnip crumbs and got high.
Cats! They’re just like us!
Horatio Cornblower
Greetings from the comfortable climes of my hilltop manor in Southern Rhodesia! This stretch of frigid winter weather that most of you are experiencing in the New World is regrettable, but that’s what you get for deciding that being part of the British Empire was not good enough for you! Always remember – God is on the Empire’s side, and He can cancel winter (and climate change) if he so chooses to!
Cecil Rhodes
Don T
THIS IMAGINARY TEXAS TEAM, I CALL THEM GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT BECAUSE WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO THE BROWNS MAY BE AGAINST THE LAW AND HUMAN DECENCY!
LemonJello
Okay, the Flaccoceptions are funny, but I did want Flacco to have a good game. He seems close to the nicest guy in the NFL and he is not a secret sex pest nor domestic abuser, which sometimes seems like a rarity in this league.
hippofant
I’ve talked to many people who met him, nicest guy ever.
jjfozz
AND ruined a playoff run by the dreamboat!
fleshwound_NPG
THE BROWNS SECONDARY LEMME TELL YA I CALL THEM UVALDE PD BECAUSE THERES A SHOOTOUT IN TEXAS AND THEYRE DOING JACK FUCKING SHIT
fleshwound_NPG
I just can’t bring myself to dislike Taylor Swift in any way. Tell the cameramen to lay off her if there’s a problem. I think she’s a good kid.
Fronkenshteen
Can’t imagine why a bunch of mouth breathing football fans/announcers/pundits find an attractive young woman with strong opinions and the resources to back them up threatening.
Horatio Cornblower
THESE TUA PASSES, I CALL THEM PENNYWISE THE CLOWN BECAUSE THEY ALL FLOAT DOWN HERE!
LemonJello
Good thing they cut quickly to Dungy, you don’t want to leave him hanging
BrettFavresColonoscopy
I’ve been to snow football games. I think I’d prefer that over no snow but fuck-ass cold.
Sharkbait
I went to calvin Johnsons last game in January 2016, I was on the third level and it was so cold I couldn’t feel my face
They had tacos though
Brocky
I haven’t seen this many frozen dolphins since I visited that Japanese processing ship
jjfozz
Brick Meathook
This would be great…
2Pack
Uncle Ed used to call Marvin Lewis “New Year’s Milk Carton” because his teams would disappear in January
Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show
There are still some things we can all, Cowboys fans and Cowboys haters, be happy about.
And Ol’ Double J making this face again in one of them.
Horatio Cornblower
The only guy that might possibly be more pissed off than Jerry would be Qaron Rodgers and that thought fills me with warmth and joy.
scotchnaut
THESE DALLAS COWBOYS I CALL THEM MY FLIGHT OUT OF CHICAGO CUZ THEY AINT GOING ANYWHERE
Doktor Zymm
Redshirt
Dallas needs to hurry up and score so the Packers can get back on the field and embarrass the Dallas Defense
Spur
I did nawt expect this Love kid to turn out so well
Doktor Zymm
Unexpected Love children surprise everyone.
WCS
I’m tired of this GB knows how to draft QBs narrative.
Three completely different administrations were involved, and so far this current one is only lucky…in love.
NotShogunButShogun
That must have been very nostalgic for Fatthew, getting to lose in Detroit just like old times
Doktor Zymm
The Independent Neurologist forgot that a guy was already checked. Does the Independent Neurologist need an Independent Neurologist?
Redshirt
Puka Monkey Dishwasher
SonOfSpam
Sooo, we picked February 26 for the day we commit my dad to the health care facility.
Tonight, my brother in law says, “Your mom said March might be better because it’s getting warmer.”
I told him, “I can be the biggest asshole, bastard son of a bitch in the world. And I will make sure he’s in there on that date. If no one ever talks to me again. Fuck it.”
jjfozz
Horatio Cornblower
Are we still dunking on Dallas? Also Toronto catching strays here.
Sharkbait
Wow, a shootout in Detroit, just like the Republicans predicted.
Horatio Cornblower
So i had a somewhat weird drive home
Brocky
normally cold wieners dont stay that big
fleshwound_NPG
Oh, you get the hoodie from the ’96 Chevy
That you bought Super Bowl 30 eve
Charles Haley humps the front porch
Larry Allen run blocks
And Bayless thinks Troy Aikman is gay
Almost all of your laundry
Are from wins over the Bills
Where is my JonBenet?
Where’s my Dole/Kemp decal?
Deion has a happy ending
But where have all the Cowboys gone?
Why don’t you stay the evening
Watch ‘America’s Team’ on TV
Smoke what Nate Newton gave to me
Oh, I know Irvin’s back hurts
From fucking all the crack whores
I think it’ll burn when he pees
Guatemalan children
Have shirts of ‘4-Peat Bills’
Where is my JonBenet?
Where’s my Dole/Kemp decal?
Deion has a happy ending
But where have all the Cowboys gone?
Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show
“The Dallas Cowboys are an American football team based in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex. The Cowboys compete in the National Football League. They play games in AT&T Stadium. They are owned by the Green Bay Packers.”
-recent Wiki entry
scotchnaut
Sharkbait
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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
Stay busy and safe out there.
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