Hi everyone,
Welcome to Day 2 of [DFO]’s annual Super Bowl tradition – Hate Week.
This is the annual airing of grievances we have about life, football, society… really, anything is in-bounds outside of the usual hot buttons. Consider the comments section a safe space to let your feelings on a topic be known.
Now, for each day of Hate Week there is a theme that I will introduce – something that has particularly irked me over the course of the year, or just something that really caught my attention. As always, I am assisted in the photoshop department by fellow hater and Despiser of All Things Spanos, Low Commander.
With that in mind, let’s get down to the hating.
Today’s theme: NFL Starfucking
So, after all the publicity they got during the season, I guess we are all familiar with this:
America’s sweetheart, famous for winning 4 gold medals and …
Oh.
Oh, not yesterday’s sweetheart.
Right. Well, then.
The concept of celebrity sports couples has always fascinated/aggrieved the average sports fan. You could start with Babe Ruth, and how he convinced his first wife to adopt & raise his daughter by his mistress, but I’m going to go with the king of all sports marriages.
Hell, he had been out of baseball for three years when this happened. Could you imagine what social media would have looked like? I mean, those are reporters they’re powering through on the way to the car. Imagine six guys named Sid cockblocking you for a photo when all you want to do is go inside-the-park with in-her-prime Monroe? It explains why he always kept to himself.
[Aside – Dimaggio had some good layers of hate inside him. In an account from the book “Dinner with Dimaggio”, he recalled who he blamed for Monroe’s death by suicide:
“The whole lot of Kennedys were lady-killers, and they always got away with it. They’ll be getting away with it a hundred years from now. I always knew who killed her, but I didn’t want to start a revolution in this country. She told me someone would do her in, but I kept quiet.”
The man hated the Kennedy’s until the day he died. That’s some quality hate that he took to the grave.]
——————————————————-
Now, the NFL and starfucking have been around since this guy pioneered it in the 1970s.
Long after his retirement, Joe Namath was the poster boy for fan engagement. He’s still so popular that the Jets still drag him out to this day.
And for the religious types who found Broadway Joe morally questionable, there was always “Captain America”, Roger Staubach.
Remember – that whole “America’s Team” bullshit came from an NFL Films production. Once fans started to lean into it as an identify for their fandom, the League took off running. For example, here’s one of the hundreds of pieces of fanatical fan fiction I found on the Cowboys reddit,
A brief tour through that Lovecraftian mythos shows you how deeply those morons believe in the sanctity of the Dallas Cowboys. The League banks on that slavish devotion. That shit lives on in the media with jerkoffs like Collinsworth openly stating that if they could, NBC would run 17 Cowboys games in prime time.
But it’s easy to make the handsome & religious sellable commodities in America. The big move for the NFL was in making its villains marketable. The only way the league got people outside Primanti Brothers delivery radius to buy into the Steelers was because they made them look like tough guys with a soft side. That’s where the marketing came in.
That jersey would have made that kid a fortune on eBay today.
It took some work with a few of them.
And it continues to this day. If the league and their paid sponsors weren’t into all that publicity, explain the Fox intros every Sunday, with a different start trying to promote some piece-of-shit movie that got downgraded to a Hulu or Netflix release?
Or it’s just a fucking coincidence Kevin Hart was making Jimmy Johnson hair jokes three days after release?
Or Rob Lowe?
The man is a walking billboard for not just his brand but whomever will pay him to do so. I’m surprised he wasn’t eating an Atkins bar while drinking out of FOX TV mug. It’s hard to believe he has only TWO tv shows on FOX this upcoming year.
——————————————————-
The current controversy around Swift & Kelce is nothing more than projection. Hell – the man took his shot & it worked. That’s what you’re supposed to do in life. For fuck’s sake, half of us would be lonely, masturbating trolls if we hadn’t taken our best shot and the fools lovelies said “yes”. Remember, this whole idea started as a lark between he and his brother on their podcast after he brought up going to The Eras tour show in KC. Billboard has a handy rundown of the whole exciting affair if you are so inclined.
Meanwhile, the NFL has to be thrilled with all this. They put millions into outreach to encourage women to follow their sport, and much like a first date spent all that money for very little in return. Who can forget the regrettable “Alyssa Milano Touch” collection on nflshop?
That garbage apparel was nothing more than naked marketing masquerading as attempts to broaden the NFL’s appeal via clothing. Look at this crap, and the terrible photoshop that accompanies it:
The funny part is that I wrote about this almost four years ago. But did anyone listen? No!
Which brings us to America’s new favorite “it couple”.
The Taylor Swift effect on this NFL season is already being studied in business schools. Ratings are up for all Chief’s games, and social media engagement when she is mentioned is triple normal activity. The “brand value” of Taylor Swift online to the NFL has been estimated at $331 million,
The NFL is all about the ability to make a buck off of someone else’s fortune, as evidenced by the 400% increase in Kelce jerseys being sold. The ancillary effect of this clearly non-parasocial relationship is that by the end of the season, Travis Kelce, Jason Kelce and Patrick Mahomes were all in the Top-10 of league jersey sales for the 2023 season.
And it’s now bleeding into the most marketable arena Alyssa Milano couldn’t help them crack – women’s fashion. Just on January 30th, Kristin Juszczyk, the wife of 49er’s FB and nephew to Superman villain Mister Mxyzptlk, Kyle Juszczyk, got a licencing deal from the NFL to make the special coats she’d previously made as one-off gifts for Simone Biles and Taylors Swift and Lautner.
At probably $300 per for average fans, this will make her a minor media sensation during this Big Game™ week, and will add to the secondary & tertiary interest the NFL is hoping to garner off of Ms Swift’s passing interest in this sporting match..
The MAGA crybabies that decry her participation in their enjoyment are worth nowhere near as much. Some of the more recalcitrant owners might get the vapors at the thought of their precious league appealing to girls, but accountants don’t have feelings. Roger Goodell knows this and it’s why he’s thrilled at the organic nature of this phenomenon. The NFL hasn’t had to spend a cent on acquiring this new (and valuable) market, yet licencing deals like the one above shows how quickly they see a way to line their own pockets.
And just in case you thought the broadcast booth wasn’t going to be without this trend? After two seasons, Greg Olsen has become yesterday’s sweetheart.
We had one blissful year of life without Tom Brady. Now he, and what Gisele left of his balls, will be replacing Greg Olsen in the FOX booth alongside Kevin Burkhardt as their number 1 team. I can’t wait for the (real and promo) throws to Gronk during broadcasts next year. Maybe now he’ll finally get coverage from USAA.
Of course, let’s not forget who he’s currently dating,
Jesus, this shit really does come full circle. Fuck ’em all.
Tonight’s sports: (all times Eastern)
- NHL: pick your regional poison
- Canucks vs. Hurricanes – 7:00pm | Sportsnet Pacific
- Flames vs. Boston – 7:00pm | Sportsnet everywhere else
- Oilers vs. Vegas – 10:00pm | Sportsnet
- NBA:
- Mavs vs. Nets – 7:30pm | TNT / TSN
- Bucks vs. Suns – 10:00pm | TNT / TSN
- NCAA:
- Men’s:
- Clemson vs. North Carolina – 7:00pm | ESPN
- OK State vs. Houston – 7:00pm | ESPN2
- Texas Tech vs. Baylor – 9:00pm | ESPN
- Men’s:
- Beisbol:
- Caribbean World Series – from Miami
- Venezuela vs. Panamá – 8:30pm | ESPN Deportes
- Caribbean World Series – from Miami
Of course, as balls can tell you, the concept of starfucking peaked in 1998 with the 11th and final release in the Zane Entertainment Group’s “Starbangers” series. But far-be-it for anyone to tell the NFL what is and isn’t a hot trend.
Here late but always here for HATE WEEK.
UPDATE: I’m still killing it in the Wall Street Journal comments sections, despite being drunk, high, half-blind, and hallucinating. Yet based on “likes” my posts are the most popular, and I don’t even know what I’m talking about. I just post engine pictures, everyone loves those.
“Experts say this train lust is good news for Insurrectionists in November….”
-Michael Strahan, News Anchor
Back at the hotel to drink the rest of the wine I got yesterday and probably eat the rest of the ice cream, unless I want to save that for breakfast tomorrow….decisions, decisions
There has to be rugby or cricket on TV for you to enjoy in the bar.
I’ve spent enough on beer and drank enough in general over the last few days that a light night back in the hotel seems like a solid idea
Yep, tour is cancelled, although they didn’t bother to let me know until just now in response to an email I sent 5 minutes ago, lol.
I’m rescheduled for the 17th, when I’m back here for a couple days before flying home. That’s a Saturday so should definitely go.
Tour starts in 11 minutes and haven’t heard about a cancelation so assuming it’s on, walking over to first bar now
Can we get reviews of each bar?
Totally, if it is actually on that is. Don’t actually see anyone here, but will at least do this place (brew on quay) either way
Dig the decor, nice job with tin ceiling, wall, crown molding and oddly tasteful plaid wallpaper. Place used to be a sugar warehouse.
If the tour is on, they’re doing a poor job of making themselves known, so grabbed a pint of Miami lager. All the brew pubs around seem to carry stuff by the same local brewerys, but vary in which beers they have. This one has fewer taps than the other two places I’ve been, but still a good selection. Lager is cold and refreshing as a lager should be
Music is classic rock, Doors, Janis, etc
Ever wanted to listen to an entire radio show by Dr. Johnny Fever?
wkrp | Aw Phooey
No
I see, more of a Venus Flytrap man. I can respect that.
That’s amazing that someone did that!
A lot of you contacted me privately and asked for another cutaway image of an R-3350 engine with a power recovery turbine, so here it is:
Finally! Thank you.
A real R-3350
NOTE: Half this engine is missing
Half this engine is missing
–Boeing C-suite
Moose = meese?
I am being a super lazy tourist, but in my defense it’s hot out and I forgot to pack my sunglasses
The solution, as always, is more wine.
I am supposed to go on an historic bar tour tonight, but they sent me an email saying it’ll be cancelled unless more people sign up over the course of the day
Sign all of us up. We’re good for it.
When we don’t show, you’ll have all that booze to yourself.
I’ve PayPal’d stupider money.
But Ilyana said she needed medicine for sick mother!
No such thing as a lazy or wasted day on vacation
I’m having a great time, it’s just unusual for me. Most trips I walk excessive amounts and I’m barely breaking 5k steps a day this time.
You’re welcome. Now get out there.
Since we’re hating on things, I’d like to offer one of the dumbest sports announcer cliches (and that’s a tough competition):
“A two-goal lead is the most dangerous lead in hockey.”
Well, no. That would be a one-goal lead. Because if you have a one-goal lead, and they score, you’re no longer leading. If you have a two-goal lead, the worst thing that can happen is that it becomes a one-goal lead.
If what you want to say is that it’s easy to get complacent with a two-goal lead, just say that. It’s not difficult. You don’t need to say dumb shit that is plainly not true.
Also: sports talk douchebags who say things like “look, I’m not saying that Player X should be the MVP, I’m just saying he should be in the conversation.”
“In the conversation” is meaningless babble — you just made him part of the conversation by mentioning him. Fuck off with that gutless shit. You spend 90% of your time uttering completely ridiculous assertions because it’s a Hot Take that will get people talking about you on Twitter, but now you’re going all mealy-mouthed? If you can’t even get one of your co-stars on your stupid shoutfest debate show to actually argue for X as MVP, then maybe that’s a conversation not worth having.
My kindgom for ambient audio only feeds of sports
Those of us old enough to remember the announcer-less game know what gold the league chose to abandon.
https://youtu.be/c_CT13yyF2o?si=IL7ylBq9pPLegHiS
https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/border-bill-mayorkas-impeachment-vote/index.html
This reads like an SNL skit.
Calling it a clown show is super duper disrespectful to clowns.
Clowns usually plan their shows
This is their Create-A-Crisis for this election, right? Because, to my knowledge, Ben Gazzi was never caught with Hillary’s laptops at Seth Rich’s pizza parlor. I can’t handle all these Deep State Swampness that only Trump can solve.
The players have all said the quiet part a little too loudly, methinks. Gonna be hard to make this stick (with anyone in the middle).
Only Trump can fix the problems he’s caused!
Tom Brady is going to be in the broadcast booth? Well, shit.
If this season ends with Taylor Swift throwing Tom Brady out of the booth or force feeding him a greasy burger on regular bread, the journey would’ve been worth it.
Tay tay will feed Tommy a Strawberry and he’ll die
It’s going to be painful watching him try to make jokes
It’s not Taylor Swift’s fault; it’s the media’s fault for going full paparazzi on her. They cut to her so much, I’m expecting a channel fully dedicated to shots of only her on Sunday.
You can’t fault her for showing up to the games. Her boyfriend plays for the team. That’s what you supposed to do in a relationship!
It’s not just her. Jake Browning’s girlfriend showed up for the last game wearing an all-white bodysuit and the director went full Pepe Le Pew on her. This is the girlfriend of the Bengals spot-starter in a meaningless game. Taylor Swift is a generational talent and Travis Kelce is a top tier player who has a bust in Canton ready to go. Of course they go nuts.
Taylor Swift: Not at fault.
Media: Worthy of a restraining order.
Sounds like someone got a call from HR today.
I think they’ve mostly calmed down the last month or so. But yeah, it was horrid for awhile.
They’ve always had shots of players’ families and no one objected, it seems to be a girlfriend specific thing. Is it just because dudes don’t like being reminded that NFL players do better in the dating market than most?
If the starting point of your argument is whether or not Swift is at fault-well, you’ve fallen for yet another “AHH! BOOGEYMAN!” right wing media talking point.*
*don’t fall for stupid right wing talking points**
Don’t worry. If Fox News reported that gravity was still in effect, I’d frantically reach for the nearest thing bolted down.
As a tennis fan, I’ve been suffering through the incessant shots of the players’ spouses/partners/parents/coaches/weight training guru for decades.
You ventured into the realms of Cowboys fan fiction? You are a brave, brave man.
Brady kinda looks like he’s morphing into Regis
It’s a dark place filled with people who want the others to desperately like them for whom they worship – The Lord, The Luger, and Landry.
Someone say Starfucker?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1zgmM2lalo
isn’t there also an acid/house band called “Starfucker?” I have a very vague memory of that.
see also DEAN PELTON
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLjwwH_2dyM
Close!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omWQzYycyJk
Wait, no. You heard right.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfJrSq86xHY
I hate that I’m now old enough to “boomerang” into acne again. Except they call it “rosacea” in olds like Hippo.
Just let me fucking die already, God!
Just wonderful work!! Excellent!
Thanks. Yesterday was helpful for setting the table for the rest of the week.
You just know that Broadway Joe porked Jan and Marcia. No doubt in my mind.
Simultaneously while Alice watched.
Alice had a strap on and they took turns.
Really puts Sam the Butcher in a new light.
“Dear Penthouse, I never imagined I’d be writing this…”
“Gee Greg, ‘Horny in Hollywood’ sure sounds like he’s talking about Marcia.”
On Joe?
Once I saw that photo I knew I had to include it.