Hello, friends. Welcome to the NFL Legal Tampering Period!

Back in the Old Days (2011), agents and teams were prohibited from negotiating free agent contracts at all prior the official opening of free agency- it was considered tampering with a player who was still under contract. People were understandably suspicious, therefore, when complex multimillion dollar deals would be announced within 15 minutes of free agency opening. In recognition of the widespread cheating, the NFL chose to enforce its rules and severely penalize teams for their wrongdoing.

No, wait- this is the NFL. They changed the rules to make it “not cheating.”

Of course, now we have suspiciously detailed contract terms being announced within 30 seconds of the opening of the “legal tampering window,” so I harbor further doubts.

So for two glorious days, teams are allowed to get engaged to free agents. You’ll hear a lot of deals announced, but they are not allowed to formally tie the knot until the actual free agency period. This leads to the occasional Change of Heart, such as Wil Lutz agreeing to a deal with Jacksonville and then remembering his kicks go 15 yards longer in Denver and running back to the Broncos. Hopefully they pay him enough that he can finally afford the other “L” for his first name. [Edit- I realized afterward that this was a stupid joke, since Ls are plentiful in Denver these days]

There have been WAAAAY too many “signings” to summarize here, and most will end up servicable-to-disappointing. However, some bear commentary:

Franchise Tag Who Got The Bag

Brian Burns (LB/DE, Carolina)- Tag was $24 million. He got traded to the Giants for the #39 pick and a fifth, then got a five year deal with $76 million fully guaranteed

Justin Madubuike (DT, Ratbirds)- Tag was for $22.1 million, signed with the Ravens for 4 years, $98 million ($75 million guaranteed)

Michael Pittman (WR, Clots)- Tag was $21.8 million, signed with Indy for 3 years, $70 million ($46 million guaranteed)

Jaylon Johnson (CB, Bearistocrats)- Tag was $19.8 million, signed with Bears for four years, $76 million.

Hurray for these guys. Except for Burns, who went from the sucky frying pan into the deeply unpleasant fire. Hope you enjoy Tiki Barber bitching at you.

QB Moves

Gardner Minshew to the Raiders: love it. Everyone’s wandering deadbeat uncle takes his trailer to Parhump. With this move, the Raiders have cornered the market on Creep QB Mustaches

Kirk Cousins to Atlanta: hate it. The Falcons deserve nothing good, but this is excessively cruel. Ostensibly four years and $180 million, it’s really 3 years, $135 million with $90-$100 million guaranteed. His cap hit goes to $57 million just in time for Drake London and Kyle Pitts need new contracts. He’s 35 coming off a major injury. While Cousins may have the juice to win a still-wretched NFC South, that is his absolute best-case scenario. Yes, you got your Clean Cut White Savior back at quarterback, but you’ve essentially picking up where you left off with Matt Ryan, only this one is an asshole. Better to have traded for Fields and spun the wheel for a year.

Sam Darnold to Vikings:

I know this is almost certainly just a prelude to them drafting a quarterback and letting him sit for a year. But it still amuses me that any NFL executive anywhere in 2024 could pick up the phone and say “GET ME SAM DARNOLD!”

Russell Wilson to the Steelers: Fucking NAILED IT!

It’s just so tiring being right all the goddamned time…

Jameis Winston to Cleveland: fuck that guy, and fuck Cleveland. Winston and Watson can pass the time in the QB room swapping sexual assault stories. Maybe bring in Roethlisberger as a special assistant.

Drew Lock to New York Giants: see laughter memes above. Right now the Giants have the two highest-drafted bust QBs from the 2019 Draft (not counting Haskins, cuz he’s dead). Good luck to offensive coordinator Mike Kafka on life with these two and no Saquon.

Running Back Musical Chairs

Saquon Barkley to Philly: it made Tiki Barber mad, so I’m calling it an “A” on that basis alone.

Beatie Mixon traded to Houston for a bag of balls: maybe he’ll accidentally hit a McNair?

Derrick Henry to the Ravens. If he has anything left in the tank, great move. But given the hatred Baltimore’s training staff seems to hold for running backs…

Josh Jacobs to Green Bay

Aaron Jones to the Vikings

Austin Ekeler to Washington

D’Andre Swift to Chicago

Zack Moss replaces Mixon in Cincy

Tony Pollard replaces Henry in Tennessee

Devin Singletary replaces Barkley in NY

Random Signings I Like:

Jalen Reagor, Kendrick Bourne and Jacoby Brissett- New England. One has-been, one could-have-been and one never-was. Not that either the wide receiver or QB classes were real robust. But re-signing your own crap receivers and bringing in the retread’s retread to cleanse the huddle of Mac Jones’s stench before the rookie takes over…not real bold moves by a team with nearly $70 million in cap space. So that makes me happy.

Patrick Queen- Pittsburgh. Queen is a puzzling player. He struggled with missed tackles and coverage until Roquan Smith showed up, then rocked out. So is this a classic “WR2 looked great because WR1 was drawing all the coverage”? Probably not, and it may be a moot point since Alex Highsmith is on one side of him and TJ Watt is two places on the other. I understand there are question marks regarding who will be playing the other middle linebacker, but overall: good fit, and he got that bag.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

We checked out a telescope from our local library, so were going Moon gazing.