So here we are. Clock is ticking. Mistakes will be made, both happy accidents and career-ending missteps. Christmas Morning for our deviant kind.

Ho ho ho, bitches.

As predicted, whole lotta bullshit spewing from all quarters. Also as predicted, I am not immune to the Draft Brain Slugs that infect the media and GMs alike:

So while I’m mostly sticking by my guns here, there are some changes. I will note where things diverge from Mock Draft 1: The Motion Picture

1. Chicago Bears (from Carolina): Caleb Williams (Quarterback, USC)

Would it be both hilarious and on-brand for the Bears to draft JJ McCarthy? Yes, and only the fact that it is literally impossible for them to trade up further to do so keeps it from being Perfect. Alas, even a blind squirrel may find the occasional nut. The question then becomes whether they know which end to stick it in.

2. Washington Commanders: Drake Maye (Quarterback, U*NC)

3. New England Patriots: Jayden Daniels (Quarterback, LSU)

I’m sticking with this, in the face of a YUUUGE amount of smoke about 1. Washington coordinator Kliff Kingsbury preferring more mobile quarterbacks like Daniels, and 2. New England being “open for business” in the words of their de facto Draft Czar Eliot Wolf, and speculation that they may trade down for McCarthy (or take him outright at 3).

First: Dan Quinn strikes me as a “the best ability is availability” meathead, and I think Daniels’ reckless running style scares him and GM Adam Peters.

Second: Wolf knows his business. From ages 9 to 35, he was raised in an environment where quarterback talent and stability were the first and last words in team success. Since then, his teams have lived and (more often) died on inconsistent quarterback play. Let no one fool you: McCarthy is more of a project than the media suggests, and there’s no Brett Favre or Aaron Rodgers for him to sit behind for two years while he seasons. Bob Kraft may have this great reputation as a patient owner, but it’s not a situation he’s had to deal with much since he bought the team 30 years ago  When he did, he fired Pete Carroll the first season Carroll didn’t make the playoffs. He’s also 82, and a developmental quarterback is not a great fit with his actuarial table. The Pats take the talent and roll with it, unless they already have a deal to trade down (Raiders?) and then back up to 5 for McCarthy.

4. Arizona Cardinals- Marvin Harrison, Jr. (WR, An Ohio State University)

5. Minnesota Vikings (via Los Angeles Chargers)- JJ McCarthy (QB, Michigan)

It’s still too high for him, but this is the price of doing business in a year of many needy teams. Darnold will start, McCarthy will be rushed in around their bye week, struggles will ensue.

6. New York Giants- Malik Nabers (WR- LSU)

Sorry, Giants fans. They have too many holes to piss away assets trading up, and I will eat a Big Turk (the candy bar- DFO does not condone cannibalism unless stranded at sea, and then only after 18 hours) if one of the Big 3.5 quarterbacks makes it this far. You’ll just have to content yourself with an amazingly talented receiver

7. Tennessee Titans- Joe Alt (Tackle- Notre Dame)

8. Atlanta Falcons- Dallas Turner (Defensive End, Alabama)

9. Bearistocrats (again)- Jared Verse (Defensive End, Florida State)

An alternate line of thought has emerged that the Bears may go O-Line here. While more plausible than the GET CALEB ANOTHER WEAPON calls to The Score, I don’t see it unless they trade back another seven (or more) places.

10. J-E-S-T JEST JEST JEST- Brock Bowers (Tight End- Georgia)

11. Las Vegas Raiders (Trade from Chargers from Vikings) Michael Penix Jr. (QB, Washington).

HODL! Shit in that soup, Mark Davis!

12. Denver Broncos- Terrion Arnold (CB- Alabama) FORMERLY Quinyon Mitchell, (CB- Toledo)

Please: check on your Bronco fan friends. They are probably Not Ok. The team traded for Zach Wilson as “insurance” for Jarrett Stidham. Which is like getting insurance for a 1989 Geo Metro.

Right now, a significant number of Denver fans are looking at this and going “dear god, Sean Payton is so delusional about his ability to mold quarterbacks he’s going to ride this flaming wagon of dogshit all the way into Hell, and we are all strapped in as unwilling passengers.”

And maybe he is. Remember, Denver has no second round pick- because they traded it for Payton himself.  Drafting Bo Nix at 12 would be Football Malpractice. Drafting him in the mid-third round is probably not an option. So if they can’t trade down to 29-50, maybe Payton decides he can Make Magic all on his own.

I considered Odunze here, but if Payton is delusional enough to think he can make something out of Stidham, he’s delusional enough to trust his current receivers. The Broncos signed Levi Wallace, but signing Levi Wallace is not a solution. Again, they are desperate to trade down, and I would be shocked if they pick here. But if they do, I think they go cornerback

13. Los Angeles Chargers- Rome Odunze (WR- Washington)

14. New Orleans Saints- Olumuyiwa Fashanu (Tackle, Penn State).

15. Indianapolis Clots-Troy Fautanu (Offensive Line- Washington) PREVIOUSLY Brian Thomas, Jr. (WR- LSU)

Fresh news: Jim Irsay will not be present in the draft room while recovers from “back surgery for an old powerlifting injury.” That’s right, nothing to do with any “Massive Overdose of Powdered Orphan Pineal Gland” or anything…

Irsay will ostensibly be participating by phone. However, look for Chris Ballard to fake “technical difficulties” on the phone line and draft for both value and need here.

16. Seattle Seahawks- Jackson Powers-Johnson (Center, Oregon) FORMERLY Troy Fautanu (Offensive Line- Washington)

JPJ isn’t as good, but this is what comes of a rational Colts team in front of you.

17. jacksonville jaguars: Quinyon Mitchell (Cornerback, Toledo) PREVIOUSLY Terrion Arnold (Cornerback, Alabama)

The Smart Money is now on the jags to trade down with almost any willing partner. But for now, they go for the highest remaining guy at cornerback (which is now Mitchell).

18. Cincinnnananti Bengals: JC Latham (Right Tackle, Alabama)

19. Los Angeles Rams: Byron Murphy II (Defensive Tackle, Texas)

I am deeply tempted to change this to Bo Nix. Sean McVay has never had a first-round draft pick. GM Les Snead has had one since the Rams fucked off for Los Angeles 8 years ago, and it was Jared Goff. Matt Stafford is 36, and not a lightly-used 36: leaving aside his anatomy-textbook list of injuries, he’s been sacked 489 times for 3,243 yards. That’s almost as many yards as Ryan Leaf put up passing in his career. Nix could comfortably sit for a year or two, and Sean McVay would have a reason to skip his annual retirement talk as he molds a young passer.

If their defense didn’t suddenly have an Aaron Donald-shaped hole in the middle, I would actually consider this- but they do. If they trade back to the end of Round 1 or beginning of Round 2, a Nix pick becomes much more likely.

20. Pittsburgh Steelers: Brian Thomas Jr. (WR, LSU) FORMERLY Jackson Powers-Johnson (Center, Oregon)

Pittsburgh gets lucky here. They get a choice between the last top-tier receiver or auctioning him off to the Packers, Chiefs, Bills, etc. for a very good return. If it were solely Mike Tomlin’s call, I don’t they would ever draft a wideout in the first round. But with two quarterbacks on tryout periods, it may make sense here.

21. Miami Whalesnacks: Laiatu Latu (DE, UCLA)

22. Philadelphia Eagles: Cooper DeJean (Cornerback, Iowa)

I am increasingly certain of this pick. It just…has to happen.

23. Los Angeles Chargers (From MIN from CLE from HOU): Taliese Fuaga (Tackle, Oregon State)

I keep seeing that Fuaga won’t last this long. Frankly, if we’ve gotten this far and my picks are within two lightyears of reality and the issue is which tackle I got wrong, I’m going to play the lottery.

24. Dallas Cowpersons: Amarius Mims (Tackle, Georgia)

25. Green Bay Packers: Ladd McConkey (WR, Georgia)

Actually, I have greater faith in McConkey going at this spot than predicting which team will be here to take him. I think the Ravens may reach here and snag him.

26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Chop Robinson (DE/OLB, Penn State)

Pork. Chop.

27. Arizona Cardinals: Kool-Aid McKinstry (Cornerback, Alabama)

28. Most Glorious Buffalo Bills: Adonai Mitchell

God help me, I’m talking myself into Mitchell. Just please don’t piss away more draft capital to jump up.

29. Detroit Lions: Nate Wiggins (Cornerback, Clemson) 

30. Baltimore Ravens: Johnny Newton (DT, Illinois) FORMERLY Tyler Guyton (Tackle, Oklahoma)

I psyched myself out on this. They should go offense. Specifically, O-line (unless they trade up for a better receiver than is available here). But it’s the Ravens. They are constitutionally unable to pass up a great prospect up the middle of the defense. They re-signed nose tackle Michael Pierce to a very cheap $7.5 million, 2 year deal this offseason. Even Pierce was surprised by this. They signed DT Justin Madubuike to a rich contract, this gives them the cheap talent to complement him.

31. San Francisco 49ers: Graham Barton (OT/Guard, Duke) PREVIOUSLY Christian Haynes (Guard, UConn)

Shuffling because the Niners need a right tackle now and a guard in the next year or so. Barton played tackle, but (to listen to the Draft Industrial Complex) he has wee tiny baby arms fit only for a guard. So maybe he plays a year at tackle and if he can’t hack it, slides inside.

32. Albuquerque Chiefs: Tyler Guyton (Tackle, Oklahoma) PREVIOUSLY Sydney Sweeney (DD, Idaho)

All prior joking aside, the Chiefs find themselves in a precarious position for a back-to-back Super Bowl Champion. Their need for receiver help is well-documented, but the top of the crop is gone by this point, leaving a bubbling stew of second and third round pass-catchers who will live or die on scheme fit and luck.

Less well-documented is the fact that their offensive line is thin, with a giant hole at left tackle. It’ll drive the Chiefs fans crazy, but solidifying the line with cheap young talent is a force-multiplier for every other part of the offense: it makes Mahomes more effective, reduces the risk of him being pulped into hummus, and makes the running game a more legitimate threat, all while freeing up salary cap room. All Kansas City really needs at receiver is a couple of guys whose hands are not stone and whose fingers are not butter. Much easier to find those later in this draft than a Day 1 starter at offensive tackle.

So there we go.