I worked both days this weekend, getting a witness deposition out of the way Saturday, (Pro: It really helped the defense of the case. Con: That part about Saturday), and spending a good chunk of tonight getting ready for an arbitration hearing tomorrow afternoon. It turns out we may not have a signed agreement for that, too, which means it might not go forward, which means 2+ hours of my Sunday were for nothing.
So long story longer I’m not anxious to put something together, and usually when I’m not anxious to put something together I either ignore it or, when it becomes something that can’t be ignored, hire someone else to do it. Because I am not good at DIY projects. But maybe you are. And maybe you’d like to draft your favorite DIY projects. Maybe you’re like me, and would like to draft DIY projects you’d like to be better at.
So this week we draft DIY projects. Doesn’t have to be home repair. It can include cars, cooking, construction, basically anything that people, or you, would ordinarily hire someone else to do.
In order to make the picks available be as specific as possible. Don’t just say “car repair.”
Your commissioner is, of course,
the one and only Al Borland.
With my first pick I will take being able to remove and then install new siding. The fact that I am going to be spending a significant amount of money to have someone else do this if and when it ever stops raining around here is mere coincidence.
The rest of you are on the clock.
There’s an old post on a DIY forum where a guy proudly chronicled his kitchen floor remodel, only for the rest of the forum to tell him he just aerosolized asbestos for his whole family.
So not that one.
I just saw that Sydney Sweeney is going to star in Barbarella remake. Finally a worthy remake.
should just call it boobarella imo
Oh, and I’m jumping in with one more: insulating a window or portable AC so it doesn’t just suck superheated air back inside. The new windows I got apparently need every single edge sealed when the window is partially opened as is required for the AC unit. It’s super well insulated while closed, but crack it even a little bit and the whole damn thing sucks air
I spent a fun afternoon installing new fence posts at the farm. I am awesome at holding stuff level!
We have enough talent here to build our next clubhouse, and we even got law-talkers to help with permitting and such! We should totally build our own town somewhere straddling the Canadian border
3. I’d love to be able to drill a well.
I beat metal into household things.
(that’s a new Prince Albert for Lowratio)
Oh like his union would ever allow that.
Sex Dwarf Local 618 has a good contract
Really? I heard different.
You made that? What are you doing here, hanging out with the unskilled labor?
I don’t get a chance to do it often- it was my Pandemic equivalent of making sourdough.
Hey, those abortions aren’t going to perform themselves…
Just thinking of this stuff gives me comfort that I never, ever am getting married again.
I’ve mentioned before that I can’t repair anything for shit!
I’ll just have to stick with these types of DIY talents.
or this.
I was pretty sure what field Yeah Right would be focused on.
And for that he gets the
That’s no mere talent, that’s a superpower!
Hey, that’ll serve you well, I’ll do some chores in exchange for tasty foods
Sold!
Fourth pick: Demo
I demo’ed a driveway gate and it was one of the funnest things ever. I never put one back because we never needed it and frankly I couldn’t be bothered, but destruction is where it’s at.
demo is fun, the demo cleanup not so fun
Did someone say demo?
BIG ASS TITTIES
In college I worked on the poultry farm. One week our assignment was to demo one of the old coops.
Best. Week. Ever.
OSHA would have been horrified.
this reminds me that I need to re-do 2 of my gates as in a wind storm the hinge got twisted up and bent the shit of of it. So going to take it all apart and redo both with some new hardware and hinges. should be easier as all the cuts are done, just need to attach it to the new hardwares.
I have to do that with my shed door. And by “I” I mean “someone else is gonna get paid to”
the new hardware came from Amazon today, so looks like I have some jobs to do on the weekend.
Hey, you know what might make a good draft- weird jobs we had as kids.
It’s adorable that you believe the holes will still line up. Bless your heart.
The runner thingy on the kitchen drawer that holds the silverware broke not long after we moved here. The tray now sits on the counter because neither of us are limber enough to shimmy in there and fix it. I’ll be damned if I’m paying a handyman to come in and fix one stupid little thing like that. I’ll wait until I have a bunch of stupid little broken things
This is what we have to do to even have a guy talk to us. If it’s not at least a day or two or three of work they won’t even bother. So he’s going to do some stuff that we can easily do (and some other stuff we can’t) so that it’s worth his time. And just forget about someone showing up for a half day in the summer when there are bigger jobs aplenty.
Assembling a BBQ or furniture or somesuch. Doing it with my wife always results in harsh words being exchanged.
“Want some help?”
“No thanks. Let’s stay married instead.”
same applied in this household to moving furniture around. It’s me and the kids moving it or it doesn’t happen
We reached a point where Mrs. Horatio does it herself or hires someone. I’ve told her I’m available for heavy lifting or getting something that’s too high for her to reach, but otherwise I won’t help if she’s going to be involved.
“No, I insist.”
“Uh, should I start packing my bags?”
Yeah, those rarely require two people so why risk it
Third pick: pouring concrete for pads, walkways, or poles.
I have a ton of deteriorating asphalt I’d like to replace with concrete. Don’t have the time.
Those bags of cement have their own gravity or something. Whatever it says on that bag, double it.
I put a new drain in down by our basement entry when we first moved.
This always hypnotizes Hippo, then I feel shame and pray the actress is at least in her 20s.
Michelle Mylett. Internet says she’s 35. You’re good.
“I hear you! Anything that heavy and limp, you’re better off using a wheelbarrow.” – scotchnaut
I’d like to make a nice back patio with concrete, but will prob just build is very low to the ground with wood. But then will want to have some shade, so will now need posts put in and then back to concrete. Also need the moneys to do all this stuff and time and the energy, so we’ll see
I wish I could TIG (Tungsten Inert Gas) weld, for doing DIY projects on the high pressure nuclear piping in my home. I couldn’t even do basic arc welding.
I have zero idea why I can’t solder nor arc weld yet I can silver solder. TIG welding is only for zen masters.
Pictured: TIG welds
https://ibb.co/P9vHYmf
Gonna go with grilling meat, specifically chicken and steak/burgers, specifically on a propane grill (as God/Hank Hill intended) Oh, and salmon.
Not super handy, but I am a fat guy.
I made a coffee table exactly like this. Ordered away for the hardware, got plans off the internet, bought cut and worked all the wood myself. About a two month project that’s now Wifeys pride and joy.
Oh good, now I can feel worse about myself.
Some people were put on this Earth to create beautiful works of art, whether that be painting or furniture.
I was put here to write checks made payable to those people.
The thing weighs about 150 pounds. She saw it in a Restoration Hardware catalog and really wanted it at 1500 bucks. They sold out so I took on plan B which ended up costing us about 700 bucks… plus the two months work.
Amen, my brother. I am also a check writer. Life is too short to bash your thumb with a hammer.
“What if you can get them to bash your interpreter’s thumb instead?” – Shohei Ohtani
Coffee tables look great, but they are the bane of my shins
And this one is brutal. Those cast iron post holder corner pieces are terribly unforgiving.
Someone (not me) should start a band called “The Coffee Tables” and record songs that are exclusively diss tracks of The Shins.
i built my own workout bench out of some 6×6 and 4×4 that I had around. Bought a few metal plates to connect everything together. it’s not pretty but have yet to break it, so win!?!
I had a similar set up until the girls bought me a real one for Christmas years back. Wifey was afraid she would go out to the garage some day and find my crushed, strangled remains.
Here the bench
That’s much more sturdy than the Jerry rig I had going on.
I can’t solder electronics for shit. Never could, never will.
However, I can silver solder copper pipe joints like a mofo. This is an extremely different thing.
I haven’t soldered in years, although I got pretty good at it after a fair amount of practice with the accompanying burn scars. I should start doing electronics projects again
I’ve
installed hard wood flooring
built a fence
installed the central vacuum
added ceiling fans and changed all sorts of lighting
installed all the appliances ( all the connections)
painted most of the house
done trim work
fixed lights and brakes on the car
assembled whatever random thingy we’ve purchased
poured concete
installed dry wall and then tape\mud the joints
repaired or replaced parts in random appliances
built a deck
pretty much anything around the house except working in the electrical panel or with gas I will try.
So you stay away from the stuff that might kill you. SMRT.
I also hate heights so, don’t do much on ladders. Have no idea how roofers do that job.
Right. There’s a reason Xmas light on our house only go (reaches up) this high.
That’s hilarious considering you’re a giant.
“Central vaccum!?!?”
-Mrs. Dr. Deadly, Esq., (Ret.), suddenly becoming very interested in this draft.
No, that would take away purpose.
Sir, the Existential/Meaning of Life draft is two doors down.
She vacuums, therefore she is.
2. Does it have be a *real* skill? Because I would love to have the ability to easily and cheaply manage the bamboo in my yard with basic tools like a shovel and some loppers, but that seems like a complete and total fantasy.
Have you tried dogs disguised as pandas?
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/china-zoo-panda-dogs-rcna151606
Controlling bamboo is a real skill that I expect an advanced civilization to someday develop.
aka fire
OK, smrt guy, then who’s going to control the fire, hmmmm?
Firemen which come for free when you call 911? Or a really big garden hose
“Not on my watch!” – Rand Paul
Bamboo goes where it wants, no mere mortal can hope to contain it. Just give up and enjoy the lovely rustling sound as it surrounds your house.
I don’t understand how Balls didn’t make a literal first pick here.
Look if you have to go to a hardware store and use tools and fasteners to self-service, it might be time to take a break.
Super minor but changing out the bulb in a taillight/headlight. It’s actually not hard, dealers will charge you an arm and a leg for labor, and it feels satisfying to pop that plastic cover back in and be like “yeah bitch, I did that with $5 at AutoZone”.
Except the part where you have non-Lowratio size hands and the headlight area is microscopic. Otherwise, sure.
Fine then, O’Reilly’s
“Helping teaching someone to read?” Wait! “How to own up to your mistake and how to correct it?” No, those are not really a DIY-style thing.
How about “How to hide a dead body?”
Watch – Boxing Announcer Declares The Wrong Winner In WBA Title Fight: ‘Is This For Real?!’ (lowkickmma.com)
I was watching those fights. Joe Tessitore would not let up on the announcer for screwing that up. Admittedly that’s an awful mistake, but give Joe Tessitore’s late and very much unlamented season on Monday Night Football, if I were him I’d perhaps let it go after one comment.
meta-DIY: finding someone who knows what they fuck they’re doing with whatever you’re paying them $200/hr for.
Examples: garage repaired the AC, didn’t bother to tighten the lug bolts on the wheel they took off to get to it. That wheel was down to one bolt when my wife pulled over because of the shimmying.
Another: the black art of transmission repair evidently doesn’t include resetting all these weird status lights. After paying $4000 to rebuild the transmission in my Acura (the 200x Honda/Acura transmissions that were bolted to their V6 engines were known to die after 150K miles), I ask the guy when I pick up the car, “Why are those VSA and airbag lights on?” “Don’t worry, they’ll go off in a little bit once the computer sees that it’s working.” No, they don’t. After about 40 miles I say fuck it, and do this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3f11x3XGRns
Was it a garage or a dealership? The dealership nearly killed my daughter when they left a nut/washer off the brakes they fixed for her.
They paid the bill for the brake guy I had fix it. Had Mrs. Horatio deal with that, because at the time she was friendly with people at the dealership and if I had gone in they would no longer be friends with her.
I use my Subaru dealership for most stuff, but brakes, shocks, undercarriage, and tires go to a local shop that is awesome. Finding a local shop that knows their shit and doesn’t gouge is like finding the Ark of the Covenant in your hamper.
Both of those were garages. I’ve only had a few minor issues with dealership repairs, but they charge an arm and a leg. For both of those vehicles the cost of a dealership repair would have pushed it over the edge to ‘replace’.
grumble grumble based on the screaming one time the cops thought I killed your mom grumble grumble
I am highly adept at electrical, plumbing, HVAC, engines, aforementioned atom splittage, and home appliance repair.
But I’ll be damned if can’t put two pieces of wood together without it looking like shit.
Brother from another mother! I wouldn’t say I was highly adept, but I’m not scared to take a swing at anything but carpentry. I warn my wife in advance when wood or drywall is involved, “I’ll give it a try, but this is gonna look like hell.”
1. Electronics. Man oh man would I love to be able to diagnose why a lightswitch doesn’t work, or to put together a simple circuit/motor to open a window that I’d have to get a ladder to reach otherwise.
We found out that whoever wired our garage did it wrong. We have ceiling lights in addition to the garage door light, and they stopped working. Or so we thought. You’ve seen light switch setups, where you can turn a light on from either side of a room? Evidently whoever wired our garage hadn’t. The garage lights are wired in serial; you turn off the lights with Switch 1, you have to turn them back on with Switch 1.
That’s… Wow. You think they would at least glance at a wiring diagram before wiring an entire room
“be as specific as possible” seems to be as hard to follow as the directions to replace something electronic.
(Sorry, the commissioner is in a mood today because he worked all weekend and came in Monday to find all the emails that everyone else had apparently been saving since Friday)
If Al hadn’t said it, I would have
Also lightswitches are electrics, nawt electronics
Another reason that Rikki shouldn’t attempt to fix them.
As far as I’m concerned it’s all witchcraft.
.
Simple plumbing for leaking/busted pipes. Sharkbite is your best friend. Sharkbite fittings plus a basin wrench and you’re good for anything short of replacing a toilet.
Friend of mine replaced his own toilet because his wife has an ex who is a plumber and he didn’t want to call him.
Me: You’re an idiot. You’re in sales. He’s literally a plumber.
To the surprise of exactly one person, the replacement toilet is not working.
My father-in-law and I did it ourselves a long time ago. You have to get that wax ring right, or your toilet leaks. If you’re a novice it’s a two-person job.
Yeah, I paid to have a wax ring replaced because I didn’t want to attempt removing and replacing the toilet solo
Gumby and I did that once. Successfully! We also replaced a garbage disposal too. We felt like HGTV should give us our own show after that. [ Narrator: HGTV did not give them a show]
Sharkbait: Why can’t I be your best friend?
This is my attempt at making a deck. Some call it brilliant. They’re stupid as hell.
I have one of those!
Le grille? What the hell is that?
Fixing a radiator, there are a couple that need some repairs because they are either stuck open or won’t close all the way and it gets way too hot over the winter. Seems like the sort of thing to try and fix in the summer so as to lower the possibility of scalding, but I’m pretty sure I’ll end up just snapping something cast iron and having to pay way more to fix it after screwing it up
Figuring out the proper angles when cutting pieces of lumber that are going to meet where walls join each other.
I am the fucking worst at that.
Wife: we should put some crown molding up there.
Me: good luck with that.
Normally I’d give it the old college try, but fuck that.
This is exactly what I’m talking about.
Tin panel crown molding is where it’s at! Use a nail gun though, it’s a pain to hammer manually
Anything with math, hell no. My brain shies away from that.
2nd Pick: Car Engine repair.
I would save so much money on labor if I knew what the hell I was doing under the hood of my cars…
“Don’t just say “car repair.””
https://doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/Al_borland-248×300.webp
It clearly says, “Car ENGINE repair, barrister.”
I’m gonna need more specifics. ‘Changing the oil’ is a lot different than ‘replacing the timing belt’ for instance, and both are a lot different than ‘replacing the splash guard you had to rip out on the way to your mother’s for a Mother’s Day lunch yesterday because a couple of pegs worked loose and it was shredding itself against your tire and making a hell of a racket and possibly damaging the tire so now it’s in the trunk and oh yeah, I should call the dealership about getting a new one.”
That last one might be specific to me.
Would “when a dash warning light comes on, being able to diagnose the problem and be able to find, order and install the correct replacement part (be it an oil pump, water pump, spark plug, or head gasket, as examples) over the course of a weekend while drinking beers” be specific enough?
An OBD2 reader and Youtube will get you part of the way there. Some stuff, the $20 reader won’t cover. Transmission innards are a black box, and the cheap scanner won’t read airbag or transmission failure codes.
Oil pump and water pump, okay. Head gasket? Better eat your Wheaties.
Approved!
I can’t wait for Brick and Ayo to weigh in here…
It’s just an engine, man. It’s ALL easy.
Put together pond aerator (fishing pond, not garden pond) with PVC pipe and a sump pump with a broken float. It worked for a few months until the pump finally gave up the ghost.
Second pick: Fixing the sprinklers/irrigation system.
Because it involves laying pipe.
I actually did that one summer during college.
Literallty and metaphorically, although the first one paid better than the second. Worse hours, though.
Fix the dog’s invisible fence when the farmer next door breaks the wire where the lazy-ass $100/hr dog fence repair guy didn’t bury it deep enough. He was surly, but made up for it by being incompetent.
ETA: Mother-in-law saw me laying in the yard and thought I was dead, until she saw my corpse messing around with a wire cutter.
My first pick is: Creating your own putting green.
Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
I wish I could split atoms.
Oh who am I kidding I know how to split atoms.
But can you put the atoms back together, Brick?
a little glue, yeah sure
gluons.
Repairing broken boards in hardwood flooring.
I’m probably eventually going to attempt replacing the whole damn floor, which actually seems easier because you don’t have to do any woodworking to make a new piece fit with the existing floor, although way more expensive and kind of wasteful when most of the floor is just fine.
On the plus side, I would be able to put in shims and level a new floor, which would be a plus because it is currently nowhere near level.
1st Pick:
Cleaning the rain gutters on Fortress LemonJello.
There has to be a better way than getting up on the roof and scooping that shit out by hand while almost overbalancing and taking a header onto the patio.
I would try a power washer. Then when that knocked down the existing gutters I would replace them with gutters strong enough to withstand a power washer, or enclosed gutters where you could just use an epically long drain snake
Google ‘gutter cleaner attachment for hose’. Not going to vouch for it though, because I haven’t tried it.
Feel free to swing by my house and clean mine.
Bring your ladder, I haven’t gotten around to buying a good one.