Random Thoughts with BFC, Volume 30

Remember that old SNL sketch “Fecal Matter with your host John Fecal”? No? Yeah I figured it was just me. It was a solid (heh) talk show format with a specialized host and topic. Well, we ain’t exactly doing Pod Flies Open around here, but what about in written form, maybe say like a mix between John Fecal, Jack HandeyBalls’ 25 questions, Rev’s take on Larry King, and I don’t know, my own fucked up mind? With that backdrop I present to you the thirtieth edition of a potentially sporadically recurring irregularly scheduled Random Thoughts with BFC! Now also (occasionally) in open thread form! If you want to make this interactive, drop a note/question/bon mot in the comments ala my old Mouth Flies Open  attempt at an advice column.

  • Scotchy is off tonight. Don’t be alarmed.  Unless you live in the vicinity.
  • I am compelled to start with some words of gratitude. To whom, you ask, dear imaginary friend on the internet?  To fellow imaginary (American citizen) friend and DFOer, DonT. In addition to being our actual counsel here (mainly fending off money grabbing copyright claims), the man is generous in spirit and booze. He gave me a heads up to expect a package at my doorstep. I was not prepared for the generosity of its contents. And I don’t only mean the rum, coffee, spices (almost triangle trade?), and snaxx, but also the kindest of words. While the rum is no doubt the anchor of the package, the contents of the letter attached are equally warming. So a deep felt and sincere thanks to DonT, and Viva Puerto Rico!
  • Also this adds DonT to the list of favorite DFOers who have mailed me shit IRL. Previous honorees include Sharkbait, LitreCola, and HOF member Horatio Cornblower

  • Abrupt subject change: let’s do one literal fecal matter today, all advice from DFO doctors, homeopaths, or fecophiliacs welcome.
  • Over the last few years, I’ve noticed more of my bowel movements leaving significant remnants in the toilet bowl, both in frequency and volume. And the flush reduces but does not eliminate the evidence/chem trail. While some of the blame, as always, goes to low flow toilets, there has to be another issue here, right? Is it too much/not enough fiber in my diet? Because I’m fat? Poor ass positioning on the seat? Legitimately interested in thoughts here since it’s annoying to either clean the toilet almost every time I poop or risk getting shamed by my wife.
  • Things I only eat/drink while in London: bitter lemon, scones, potatoes that find their way into a salad, clotted cream, and tomato pronounced the wrong way.
  • Quasi related, motion to call raisins “sultanas” everywhere please.
  • I had a dream the other night that was all about Brie Larson. Now, I think Brie Larson is fantastic (and told her as much in my dream) but I have no idea why she became the focal point of the night movies rather than say Alison Brie, whom I have had a crush on in basically everything she has ever done. As always, my brain remains a land of contrasts.
  • And yes, I am aware of the Community connection.
  • Oh look, more Blair Witch news.
  • I was having arguably the worst margarita of my life the other day when a group of four English people and a wee baby were seated next to me. They were grappling with the happy hour menu when finally they turned to me in their time of need to ask “what in the world is a ‘rail’ drink?” I absolutely rose to the occasion but I turn the challenge back to you, fellow Americans (and maybe Canucks if you use that term): how would you explain a rail drink to a foreigner?
  • Also, the accents were in fucking surround sound as there were Brits to my left and my right. Is King Charles planning to try and take shit back? This would be the 210th anniversary of the last time they invaded DC…
  • I guess I’m saying be vigilant.
  • Oh look, more good news
  • Weeks overdue, but congrats to all of us on surviving the NFL draft. This might be the best visual from the first round:
  • I bought cereal at Safeway the other day. It was $7.98 for one family size box of frosted mini wheats but $7 for two. What the actual fuck.
  • Also disconcerting: a cheese pizza at Costco has more calories than a pepperoni pizza at Costco

  • Why in the world do people feel compelled to send happy birthday messages on LinkedIn? If we’re not connected on other social media and/or you don’t have my phone number for a text or call, we are not friends and you do NOT need to wish me a happy birthday.
  • When did “OTAs” become accepted in the lexicon? I looked up at the crawl on ESPN whilst in a bar and had to genuinely think for a minute to remember what the acronym stood for and then just marvelled at the power of the shield to impose itself on the general consciousness. Fuck em.
  • I referenced this in the Slovenian soccer post the other day (I swear, it came up organically) but I highly recommend the following books if you have even a passing interest in reading about the Negro Leagues/how MLB kept pushing false narratives about the talent level while proactively shutting down attempts to integrate the league.
  • I’ve also heard good things about Only the Ball Was White, but I haven’t read it so I can’t endorse it the way I can the previous three.
  • Ok let’s wrap it up, as always with a fill in the blank: “Now that summer is here/nigh, I’m most excited about ____________________.”

What’s On TV Tonight?

Scripps Spelling Bee!

I can’t believe I omitted that on first run.  Apparently you can watch it on Ion, or if you live in a nerdy city like me, perhaps your local brewery will also be having a watch party.

Women’s College World Series

Stanford v Texas, 6pm DFO time on ESPN2
Oklahoma State vs Florida, 8:30pm DFO time on ESPN2

NHL Playoffs

Panthers at Rangers, 7pm DFO time on ESPN

NBA Playoffs

Dallas at Minnesota, 7:30pm DFO time on TNT

MLB

Nothing on national broadcasts but local listings/whatever streaming you have if you really want to torment yourself

Aussie Footy

Collingwood at Western, 4:40am DFO time FS2 (or get the damn WatchAFL app)

That’s all she wrote for the post, to the comments!

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West, then to SoCal, then back to the mountain West, and then again back to our nation's capital. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Listen, it’s been a long time since I’ve gotten fall-down drunk and if today’s events aren’t a sufficient motivation to do so then nothing will ever be again.

Horatio Cornblower

At some point he’s gonna die.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Goddamnit we need a commenter with the handle “Gwydion Lashlee-Walton”.

DJ TAJ

That might be the best thing I ever read, that I can remember at this moment.

Game Time Decision

In Juneau Alaska today, and went whale watching. Twas fun and saw a few whales. 2 of the peeps on the tour were Jaguar fans. One had the Jaguar colours cammo pants and just a normal hat. The other had the green NFL military jacket and toque. Both seemed to be a bit out of it. Military jacket took a rock the size of a small Watermelon home as a souvenir. Wtf and why. Also note that we were about a mile walk from the bus and then they did not to directly back to the ship, so had to carry the rock

Dunstan

Were they carrying molotov cocktails?

go-jags-obviously-go-jags.gif
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Bortles!

Game Time Decision

No but assume that they already had them confiscated when getting on the ship. Or they already used them

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Celebration rum, courtesy of Don T.

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Gumbygirl

That’s a pretty color.

yeah right

That’s one of the best rums I’ve ever had.

A worthy celebration drink.

Sharkbait

I’ll have to keep an eye out for it in the wild. I’m always looking for good rum

Brick Meathook
DJ TAJ

How do you consistently capture the most amazing shots? Are you real?

Brick Meathook

Somewhat real, sort of.

Brick Meathook

This took four days over two weekends and about twenty passes to get it right. It’s actually two tunnels in downtown Washington DC that most tourists don’t even know exist and was all shot around 2:00-3:00 AM.

Horatio Cornblower

Angels pitcher just struck out Trevino, but Trevino’s walking to 1B because the home plate umpire is clearly drunk.

Horatio Cornblower

Angels give up a run on another run, on a walk that shouldn’t have been. Manager should be tossed by now, but the Angels hired 72-year-old Ron Washington, and he’s asleep.

Last edited 5 months ago by Horatio Cornblower
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I hate people who sleep through important events they are supposed to be participating in.

yeah right

During the interim while we wait for sentencing, I propose we refer to that Thing as..

Mango Unchained.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I hope some video emerges of the prosecution team drunk off their asses and chanting “FUCK THE DOUBTERS! FUCK THE DOUBTERS!”

Brick Meathook

I shot this from my private fighter jet, taking off from LAX using my rocket-assist feature for maximum acceleration. I was mostly at about Mach 1.4 (I broke the sound barrier before I even got airborne, which takes very special tires and wheel bearings), but I can go faster. I looped over the ocean and right back over LAX, which caused the tower to go nuts but I just ignored ’em. Then I headed east over the snow-capped San Gabriels to my fortified compound out in the desert. The high-pitched squealing noise is a special voice radio scrambling device. I can’t really tell you about it.

https://vimeo.com/800427502

BeefReeferLives

With warm regards to Don T

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I have an idea: Let’s hang that tubby fuck up on a cross and once he stops breathing we’ll bury him, and then come back 3 days later and see what he looks like.

Redshirt

FBI HQ: “Goddamn it! Those guys again?! NFL can’t return soon enough!”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

More of a Secret Service thing, but yeah.

Gumbygirl

The only aunt I have left is a 90 year old nun who is probably dancing in the street right now, bless her!

DJ TAJ

Fuck you Whitey!

Horatio Cornblower
2Pack

Everybody over here knows. It’s because the pepperoni absorbs calories.

King Hippo

I’mma choose to believe that and order a double pepperoni tomorrow

Gumbygirl

It is a well-known anticaloric food. Fat burner!