Good Monday Morning to you folks. I’m writing this while icing and heating a likely sprained ankle, and getting ready to address that issue with alcohol and painkillers, the nightcap of champions everywhere.
I had a beer and I’ll probably take an Ibuprofen before bed. I’d like another beer, but I want water even more. Truly global warming has gone too far.
Nonetheless, I have a job to do, and that job (which is to keep you from doing your job through most of Monday) must go on no matter how injured I might be. You know who else feels that way? Bad coaches, that’s who!
Last week we drafted people we’d want to coach for our various teams. I think it was BFC who asked if we could draft bad coaches, and my responses was it wasn’t that kind of a draft.
But it is this week!
That’s right folks, get ready to draft people you wouldn’t want near a team you rooted for under any circumstances whatsoever. Rich Kotite in the featured image should give you an idea of what we’re looking for: Someone in so far over their head they have no chance of clearing the water before sinking to a watery grave, and taking your franchise’s hopes with them for at least 3-5 years.
Rich Kotite remains eligible to be drafted, something our Jets fans, (do we have any of those? one of them?), will no doubt delight in.
A reminder, because it’s become apparent we, and by we I mean ‘you people’ and by you people I mean illegal imm…uhm, the DFO readership, need one: wait 10 picks or one-half hour before making your next pick. Don’t make me yell at you, my ankle hurts.
With my first pick I am going to not take Mike McCarthy, but instead this jagoff:
Urban Meyer was a fantastic college coach, especially when it came to either covering up or being so blind to misbehavior that even Helen Keller would have said, “hey, keep an eye on that Aaron Hernandez fella, he seems like a bad egg!” but when he got to the pros Meyer was so bad that his attempted finger-blasting of a coed (after his team lost on the road and Meyer elected to stay in Cincinnati rather than go back to Jacksonville with the team which, to be fair, is probably one of his better decisions), wasn’t even what got him fired. Nope, Meyer’s abbreviated tenure with the Jaguars lasted 11 months and may have included such gems as
- hiring a strength and conditioning coach who almost immediately resigned when allegations of bullying and general racist behavior surfaced;
- running up $300K in fines for violating practice rules;
- “dancing in close contact” with a woman not his wife in an Ohio bar after the Jags lost 24-21 to the Bengals;
- alienating players and coaches by being a general dick to them;
- actually kicking a player(!), although it is true the player was only a kicker. Meyer denied kicking Lambo, and after all he is such an obvious paragon of virtue; and
- then capping it all off by going 2-11.
Meyer also allegedly covered up multiple failed drug tests and general bad behavior by Aaron Hernandez, (hey, what happened to that guy?), although he absolutely denies ever having done so, and would Urban Meyer lie to make himself look good and/or avoid any consequences? That’s for you to decide. Myself, I wouldn’t be thrilled about a coach who (allegedly) did these things and went 11-2, but to (allegedly) do those things and go 2-11? Well, all I can say is, Urban Meyer…
The rest of you are on clock.
Eye-Ties would be out if Spain had laid down FOAR the Fightin’ Adils like they was supposed to.
The Italian propensity to speak with their hands is poised to bite them in the ass here.
What an absolutely terrible penalty kick.
SUDDEN CHANGE!!
Same guy who blew the penalty scored the goal. That’s a pretty good way to atone.
That was a pretty amazing sequence.
Italian keeper made some ridiculous moves there.
Give the keeper some credit, it wasn’t *that* bad.
Samuel FB Morse thought it was a little too telegraphed.
Dave Calhoun, Boeing CEO
He managed to destroy a top tier company and will hopefully be facing criminal charges for all the people who died. The body count would be lower, but he would still destroy a team
For the purposes of the draft, I assume he was the coach of the company softball team?
I don’t see anywhere that specifies it has to be a coach of sport, CEOs are expected to coach the entire company and they frequently use sporting metaphors to do so, so seems fair game to me.
Yup. Pulled a “Jack Welch”. Hopefully, people are figuring out that letting the finance bros run wild and chasing short term cash while sacrificing the core competencies of a company isn’t the greatest of strategies.
If it’s Boeing, I’m not going
LANDON DONOVAN: …and that’s good movement in the box.
DEANNA FAVRE: Yeah, but it’s a problem when you don’t use the available space…wait, are we talking about the same thing?
Worst coach ever:
https://www.cnn.com/2020/03/06/politics/jordan-osu-wrestlers-strauss-invs/index.html
No, *this* is the worst coach ever.
That pick slaps (rhythmically)
The ghost of JoePa thanks you for not picking him.
Hey, at least Joe Paterno actually reported it to the athletics director.
Jordan just denied it and called the kids liars.
I feel like these two managers (Albania and Spain) thought they were going to a beat poetry reading instead of a footy match. Pretty kewl of them just to roll with it.
CRO – ITA has stakes. Itsa pique nique on top of the blankets-a. Ah not really, 0-0. But Italia’s been better 🤌🏼
Buddy Ryan-he had a career 55-55-1 record and had a complete disdain for the offensive side of the ball, famously punching OC Kevin Gilbride and employing non-entities like Ted Plumb and Dave Atkins to run the offenses in Philly and Arizona. He also had a bounty program in place and there is footage of his players trying to injure Lawrence Taylor. He couldn’t get along with anyone-just a pissy piece of work.
Yup. Just a raging prick to everyone he encountered. Maybe if he had been a complete asshole to everyone besides the guys who were playing for him, he might have been ok…
Bobby Knight. Fuck that dead motherfucker.
Barry Switzer.
He did go to two NFC Championship games and win one Super Bowl team, but no one’s buying that he was doing that with anything other than the teams Jimmy Johnson had assembled. After a couple of successful season with those players Switzer was on his own, and the results were not pretty.
Soft ass pleated pants motherfucking whipping boy MIGHT be good for some teams though…..
Mike Ditka.
Might be a bit controversial, but I posit that the ’85 Bears won a SB in SPITE of Ditka rather than because of him. That team was fucking STACKED and should have won at least one more. As proof of this conjecture, please review Ditka’s tenure with the Saints.
Perhaps hating QBs, the most important position in the game, and actively trying to destroy their confidence might have had something to do with it. Makes sense that the only QB that he had any success with (McMahon) completely ignored him and his unhinged rantings…
https://www.espn.com/chicago/nfl/story/_/id/8578026/richard-dent-blames-mike-ditka-chicago-bears-not-repeating-1986
Oh, Ditka was a terrible coach. I think this is pretty universally known.
“Heresy!!! Rank heresy!!! BURN THEM AT THE STAKE”
I had the joy of introducing the SNL Bears fan sketches to a young
I’ve heard it said that the fact that team only won a single Super Bowl is down to Ditka, and it’s a reasonable statement. Also weirdly foreshadowed the next 30 years of playing worse than their talent
Some real value, I feel, with this 4th rounder: Adam Gase
Sam Worthen, coach of the Washington Generals
Mike Singletary, replacement for Mike Nolan’s mid season firing, went 5-4 that year, next season, a very Fisher 8 and 8 and the last season went 5-10 and fired before the last game. He also coached other places, but these are his “best” years.
Steve Wilks head coached the Arizona Cardinals the season after Bruce Arians was pushed out in favor of GM Steve Keim. Wilks’ 3-13 performance was so bad that, even though he’s surely right about Michael Bidwill being an asshole racist who creates a hostile work culture, Wilk’s is just that bad also.
His quote from a recent-enough article:
Matt Canada
I submit Senator Thomas Tuberville, for your disapproval.
Anyone who lost a football game to UConn, and Tuberville did, is more than deserving of a spot in this draft.
This is the face of a married dipshit with 4 kids that wanted some of that sweet, sweet blonde ex-volleyball player ass. He lied about her being on the bike until he got caught. Oh, he ditched his Falcons job for a college gig and left a note for his players to read. Fuckstick.
Pick #3: Romeo Crennel
The Belichick coaching tree sure does have a lot of rotting fruit on it.
It’s almost like it’s missing that special Tom Brady fertilizer.
The fertilizer is called ‘cheating’
Aaron Boone.
Look, the Yankees front office hasn’t done him any favors, and he’s not the one striking out with runners in scoring position, or dropping ground balls, or not running out possible hits, (Gleyber Torres does all that, and more!), but Boone’s in-game decision-making is absolutely appalling. With guys like Cole, Judge, and Soto the Yankees will always be in contention, but because they insist in letting Boone manage the actual games, they’ll never win it all.
I see you trying to reverse-jinx the Yankees into a title. I SEE YOU.
“And here come the pretzels!”
It’s been like 7 years; if that reverse-jinx is going to work it can show up ANY FUCKING TIME NOW!!!!
Pencil Dick
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP1oLv5gMX8
Christ, what an asshole.
His cameo as a tree in Blair Witch was perfect type-casting.
In the first round, Kid Gleason, manager of the 1919 White Sox and Hall of Shamer. C’mon man, 8 players on the take? Stevie Wonder would have saw that shit. Now hit the vending machines and take a break.
I think that was more on Comiskey than Gleason. From what I read Comiskey was so cheap he made the players launder their uniforms. Allegedly they just stopped getting them cleaned, which is where the nickname Black Sox actually came from.
Is this true? No idea, but it is pretty clear that Comiskey was a cheap bastard, and that his underpaying players at least contributed to their agreeing to throw the Series.
I kinda remember how crazy-stupid Nathaniel Hackett was, but this meme cemented the pick:
Koach Kliff Kingsbury.
We’ll reinvent the Air Raid offense in the NFL!
.
It would have worked if all those stud NCAA defensive players had been drafted….
Foge Fazio, just for the stupid name.
“You just made a powerful enemy.” – jjfozz
/note that the enemy is also greasy
Fozzy’s name is Foge?
When he’s in a bourble state and attempts to introduce himself, it can sound like that, sure.
Norv Turner – if the fucker had properly used his resources then San Diego would have several rings.
Tom Coughlin.
I don’t know if the game really changed so much or he hardened to brittleness, but I don’t want him within 50 miles of my team.
Captain Queeg-ass motherfucker…
2. Doc Rivers. This pick might seem like something of a reach – hell, Doc is an NBA Champion – but the man has blown not one, not two, but THREE series where he was leading 3-1. As a white-knuckle fan I simply could not handle the gut punch of him building such an advantage and then watching my dread come to fruition as he blow it.
Oh, and he’s blown four 3-2 leads, too.
Hey, he only needed Paul Piece, Kevin Garnett, and Ray Allen on one team to win (checks notes) exactly one NBA championship!
To be fair, if Kendrick Perkins hadn’t gotten hurt in 2010 they probably would have won that one too.
Awful Coaching agrees with this one.
Mike “fucking captian blue bunny” McCarthy. With the teams he had in GB he should have done sooooo much more.
I see you’ve left Joe “Other Players Are Calling Me Every Week Begging To Play For My Team!” Judge for me and I’m thankful. Is Mara the most easily duped owner ever? An old school hard-ass SPECIAL TEAMS COACH pulled the wool over his eyes.
Pierre McGuire. Prior to his career as That Annoying Guy who talks to the booth from the ice during the games, McGuire had a (very) brief stint with the Hartford Whalers. He started in November of ’93 and was gone in May of ’94, compiling a 23-37-7 record during that time.
The record is poor, but probably not all McGuire’s fault. The Whalers weren’t good and he was thrown into the deep end when noted drunk Paul Holmgren basically quit on the team. When, however, one of your team’s best players says that no one respected you and that you’re being fired was “the best thing that could have happened to the Whalers,” that’s not great. Then when the NHL takes half your remaining salary because you gave confidential coaching evaluations to another team it sort of cements your reputation as an all-around douchecanoe and shitty coach.
McGuire never had another head coaching position in the NHL, and only coached one more season overall, in the ECHL, where he put up another losing record.
Fuck that guy.
I’ve told it before but I served the guy and he was there with the GM and the strength coach and the open condescension was dripping off the both of them.
“Ah yes, I’ve had issues with dripping before too. Some antibiotics should clear that right up.” – Ron Mexico
(I know it was a different STI, but I’m not aware of any prominent players that had gonorrhea and Google was no help)
2nd pick: Another in the pantheon of college coaches that just couldn’t adjust to the NFL coaching “lifestyle”
Steve Spurrier
Koach Kiffin
This pick is disqualified because without the beautiful bastard Lane Kiffin we wouldn’t have these skits, where are hilarious.
Just kidding, Kiffin sucks.
David Ross.
His qualifications for being manager?
Back up catcher on the 2016 world series championship team and also winning Dancing with the Stars.
The fuck Theo?
He was runner-up on DWtS. Second place, first loser, etc. How do I know this? I’m blaming my wife for taking over the TV, yeah, that’s it.
Pretty much any Cubs manager except Maddon is either “low neutral” or “actively harmful”
Tongue update: Looks a lot less gruesome this morning and it seems like the loose flaps of tongue tissues have healed closed so I don’t have to worry about getting bits of stuff in the wound. Still tender and swollen, but should be okay for fluids as long as I’m careful. Morning vitamins taken successfully with chilled caffiene beverage
It’s actually pretty difficult to pick a Redacteds coach here, since any of them could have been (and many were) great coaches away from the influence of Dan Snyder. So I will take pity on Jim Zorn and pick Freddie Kitchens instead
Mike Martz. He wasn’t a bad coach for a single year, but he WILL get your quarterback killed. That will definitely meet the ‘set your franchise back 3-5 years’ criterion
That Life Coach who told me “success was within my reach, people are waiting to like me, and the world is mine for the taking”. I sure showed that delusional idiot!
1. Still plenty of value left with Rod Marinelli. Only other coach to go 0-16 and also has a 3-13 season under his belt. Three seasons as a head cach, three losing seasons, and a lifetime record of 10-38.
It’s probably the bears homer in me, but I’ve grown to be more lenient on highly regarded defensive coaches when they go to a shitty franchise with inconsistent quarterback play and inept management
Marinellli, Dick LeBeau, even Wade Phillips is kinda underrated in my opinion because people only look at head coaching records
Wade Phillips got a Raw Fucking Deal in Buffalo.
Agreed with LeBeau. His only Head Coach shot was at the tail end of the Decade of Debacle with a Laissez-Faire Front Office. If the Bengals front office would’ve done for LeBeau what they did for Marvin Lewis, his head coaching career would’ve ended up far different.
LeBeau had Akili Smith, Scott Mitchell and Gus Frerrote as QBs. When Jon Kitna looks better by comparison, you know you’re in trouble.
Frerotte is Frereal!
2nd choice – Chip Kelly
Sorry was earlier, attending a work mandated training, was making my morning go so slow I thought it had been an hour.
It’s a half hour, but you’re still early.
I do, that training was so fucking life draining. I do not need to know those processes or procedures as they are actually for a different fucking group in the company, but you have to attend and pass the quiz at the end. I hate meetings where I have to look up what the acronyms represent as I have never heard of them before.
It’s great how the first two kommenter picks – excellent choices, ones I’d have made myself – were both Raiders coaches. Really, really great.
I feel there’s a lot of options in DAAaaaaa RAIDUHS coaching history. Sourry* RTD.
*Totes nawt sourry
Isiah Thomas. Bad GM AND bad coach!
Mick Babcock. Fuck that guy
Mike*
Can we just say the Jets and move on from any coach who had anything to do with that organization? With that said, my first pick is Lou Holtz.
Dammit, Holtz and his constant spitting were my second pick!
Mr. 9-7: Jeff Fisher
My first pick: former bears OC Ron Turner
While he is responsible for the sexy rexy: “I’m going deep” meme, his idiotic decision to never fully take the ball out of Grossman’s hands cost the bears a superbowl, just run the ball you fuckong idiot!
His idiotic power running/west coast short passing scheme only worked for like 23 games before team’s figured it out
And if that wasn’t bad enough, I fully blame him for so many people having such a bad perception of Jay Cutler, because Jay threw so many picks in 2009.
Not to mention those two had beef already because when turner was at Illinois, he offered Cutler a scholarship, and then fucking rescended it
Matt Patricia, just because he sucks.
And IIRC,.Urban Meyer drove up to Columbus from Cincinnati, where his celebrity gave him a chance to grope tOSU girls. I figure a UC girl wouldn’t have known who Urban Meyer was, much less let him grab her ass.
Or stick a finger in her ass, IIRC…
“Hey! My daddy neglected my childhood by watching you coach. Wanna feel my privates?”
Yeah, that sounds about right for an Drunken OSU Undergrad Woman.
Hand her a Bud Light and she’s yours for the night.
David Shula: the man with a resting confused look on his face.
Hue Jackson. I feel like any one of us could have gone 2-30 over two seasons, but he couldnt even manage that.
“Talk very fast. Hope something good happens. Take the credit.” – Eleventh Doctor & Sharkbait’s Coaching Philosophy
I’m from the Charles De Mar coaching tree
His coaching was solid gold; using his advice Lane Myers won the K-12 race ON ONE SKI.
And wear a fez, can’t forget that!
Doctor Who: Kerblam! – The Thirteenth Doctor gets a fez (youtube.com)
The Fez-rules applies to all Doctors. Even Twelve likes them; he just wouldn’t admit to it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_s2-tIX2DL8
1st Pick: Josh “Douchecanoe” McDaniels
Jebus wept.
That’s first round talent right there.
Unlike Tim Tebow, who Josh thought was first-round talent.