Wumbo Wednesday With Weaselo: It’s the Motherf***ing Space Olympics!

So, otherwise, what’s going on?

It’s the news!

-From last night, CeeDee Lamb will probably hold out. He’s currently signed for this season only (to just under $18M) and wants a big-money extension in the neighborhood of Justin Jefferson.

-Trent Williams is also a hold out for the Niners, and Brandon Aiyuk is a hold-in. (He reported, but is not practicing, and since he is there, he’s not getting fined.)

-Speaking of extensions, Colts C Ryan Kelly (last year of his deal) ain’t gettin’ one either.

-On the other hand, Matt Stafford and the Rams were able to rework his deal.

-Bucs OLB Randy Gregory is also a no-show, though there’s been no discussion from Todd Bowles about why and if it has to due with Gregory’s lawsuit about being unable to use synthetic cannabis for medical reasons.

-Kyle Shanahan reported that Bill Belichick declined his offer to be DC. Sounds like a common courtesy thing, because why wouldn’t you reach out to him?

-Speaking of declined offers, now-Iggles RB Saquon Barkley didn’t know that the Giants had recorded that convo that ended up on Hard Knocks.

-WR Michael Gallup has retired, and Eagles DE Brandon Graham has stated that this will be his last season.

Okay, what’s on tonight?

Well, no Olympic stuff, yet.

JV Lesser Footy? (CONCACAF U20 Championship)
The Battle of *checks Google Maps* Federal Highway 307: Guatemala vs. Mexico (10:00, FS2)

Senor’s Misery Porn
Subway Series, Lexington Ave Express leg (sure, there’s the B and D, but the 4 train is the iconic one)
(7:00, ESPN)

Before you go comment in the comments, a little bit of bookkeeping and shoutouts. It was announced earlier this week that BattleBots Update, the original BattleBots recap site, would be ending its recaps. You can read about it on the link, and it doesn’t help that there has still been complete radio silence on when, or even if, there will be a World Championship VIII. (Zaslaaaaaaaaav!)

Through all my sitcom-rival bits mentioning BBU, you could gather it’s the direct source of inspiration for the Beat. Think of Joel McHale on The Soup doing Ryan Seacrest bits. Granted, Dracophile’s, let’s say, turns of phrases, are something I don’t quite have the mind for in that I had no need to learn what the Giant Washer category of “the Bad Dragon Award” referred to. All I will say is after the fact is that’s definitely something to a) not look up on your work computer and 2) not look up without some form of private browsing on. The Beaties are, of course, inspired by said Giant Washer Awards as well, a little serious since apart from the actual Giant Bolts there are no BattleBots awards; a little lore-worthy because they did have other lesser Nuts in the Comedy Central era and the builders’ self-award of the Giant Screw, a category I do use; and a little tongue-in-cheek, because when it’s your joke awards show you can make whatever references you want. (See the House of Pain Award, or the BBU Dale Earnhardt “Race Hard, Crash Harder” Award. I’m going to hell for laughing at that considering I was actually in Florida that Daytona weekend.) The Giant Washer awards are such an important part of BattleBots lexicon that THEY HAVE BECOME OFFICIAL BATTLEBOTS AWARDS (for Proving Grounds). So BattleBots Update, no matter what, will remain a part of BattleBots history. Y’know, as opposed to my hackery in unnecessary grandeur only rivaled by my sonata that will be lost to the sands of time upon my death—it’s one of my greatest fears, hooray!

Neither of us covered Champions II or gave out our subsequent respective award posts. For Draco it involved possibly some apathy. For me, there was that whole getting T-boned and dealing with what happens after your car gets totaled. I still get anxious anytime I make a left turn, or whenever I’m going straight and see someone across from me in a left turning lane. Or when I pass by that fateful corner, which happens to be the entrance to the Cross Island Parkway southbound ramp that I take every Friday after work to go to Senorita Weaselo’s, and I nod my head in melancholy reverence. (It’s not a great corner for me personally, between Argent and the animal hospital where the family Weaselo took our cat for her final moments, all those years after being found in our window well, rejected by the world in the days after a car crashed through our front fence and nearly into the house itself.) So no, I didn’t watch Champions II, because in the aftermath of being front and center of two 4,000-lb. vehicles crashing into each other I wasn’t in much of a mood to watch 250 lb. vehicles deliberately do the same. I’m aware I should double back, and I do know who wins (spoilers, End Game defeats SawBlaze in the final and wins its second Golden Bolt), so at the least I am potentially able to polish off the Beaties. I did kinda want to do the Price is Right/Late Late Show April Fools bit, where I guess BBU is The Price is Right because people actually read it, but that would have required me talking to anyone about it until right now. I figured too many hoops between the monetization of his site, the non-monetization here, asking the Corp members, actually checking with Draco… you know, minor details. The kinds of things that make me think “Wow, what a great idea!” except for a half-dozen things I didn’t initially think of. (This is why I am decent in the daily chess on chess.com and a 400 or so in blitz.)

I’ll make a deal with you guys. If and when we hear something about WC VIII, then I’ll work on writing the Beaties and signing off on VII. As for if there is a WC VIII and I’ll keep writing, I don’t know. It feels weird for the photocopy to outlast the original, plus there have been times where I’m basically looking around for clips at 1 AM Wednesday night because thanks to whatever Thursday gig I didn’t actually watch the episode and I’m not buying Discovery Go. I’ll still be here of course writing on other things, like if I actually do that House of Pain of the hot sauce I bought and then never actually sent Dok—and I like the times that I can actually sit down and therapeutically write this column as opposed to the “I’m literally writing this on the BQE” ones because I can really delve into stuff. Like today. And also because you guys like how unhinged my nicknames for teams get.

I’ve gotten off-track. Regardless, thanks for the being the OG of robot combat shitposting, Draco. If you’re ever in the city, feel free to hit me up. Also where did you get that giant Spyro plushie from your Spinning Mayhem endorsement video, because I’d absolutely want one. Or, you know, Spyro 4, that’d be pretty good too.

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Oh, and go sign up for the Lowratio League if you haven’t already! I hope to never be a part of it, but at some point my tWBS Memorial League competence has to run out, right?