Also with the Olympics coming to a close, our summer of lesser footy is over. We came and laughed at the US men’s senior team and CONMEBOL’s inability to keep fake tickets from coming in; the U-23 and pals squad put up a decent performance; and in an unrelated sport Steph Curry hit a dagger three while double-teamed, and if only we had Mike Breen on the call. Definite “bang,” not sure if it warranted the rare double “bang.” because it wasn’t a game-tying or game-winner, but probably.

The triple “bang” will come someday, when the Knicks win it all, which is a New York sentiment akin to “next year in Jerusalem.”

Speaking of MSG announcers, Sam Rosen has announced that the 2024-25 season will be his last as Rangers announcer. “And this one will last a lifetime” was not meant to be a curse upon himself, so last year President’s Trophy winners better have something to knock off the Eastern Conference hockey hot house known as *checks notes* the state of Florida.

Okay, honest football news:

-AIYUK WATCH! Doesn’t have a great ring, but is he staying or going? A deal is in place for the Niners to send him to Pittsburgh but they are trying to keep him in San Fran.

-I would be remiss to talk about the new Will Levis cologne… in collaboration with Hellmann’s. It has hints of mayonnaise. No sources yet on whether it can be used as an instrument.

-#ThePauls LB Jeremiah Owusu-Koramoah gets an extension, 3/39

-Ravens TE Mark Andrews was in a car crash, but no apparent injuries.

-J.J. McCarthy needs surgery for his torn meniscus. More updates will be after this surgery and what kind of procedure they need to do. (UPDATE: He’s out for the year, which means your QB1 for the Vikings is: Sam Darnold!) (UPDATE UPDATE: More dead Vikings than *checks the Internet* the battle of Stamford Bridge, adding WR Jordan Addison.)

-And get well soon to Ravens OL coach Joe D’Alessandris, who has an acute illness and will need to step away from the team for an extended timeframe. George Warhop has been hired in the interim.

What’s on tonight?
Uh, Canadian Premier League? The Yankees trying to not lose a series against the *checks notes* legendarily bad “Put the **** in Chi****” White Sox on Prime?

Yeah, this is why I’m making good on my summer break promise to run away to the woods to watch a game by myself. I like my people, but it’s a chance to be alone with my thoughts, a scorecard app that I’m working on getting down for my new dice baseball league purposes, probably also a physical scorecard, a hot dog with a solid quarter of the world’s supply of spicy brown mustard, and pretending to call the game I’m watching, and I’m doing play-by-play, as opposed to my boys from high school, because otherwise there’s a tacit argument about who’s the play-by-play guy and who’s the color commentator. Plus, it’s a celebratory thing because my class is actually finally running, so Professor Weaselo for real!

Guide to Fantasy Football names will be next week. If you got any doozies, feel free to put them here and you’ll get a shout-out in the article. There are only so many couch jokes one can make… we think.