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Nice Jerb, Minnows! Lesser Footy Saturday

King Hippo

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Before we get to the weekend in the Prem, let’s acknowledge the upstarts making noise in the FA Cup.  Here is how the Flacco Eight break down:

  • Two bullies (Men United; City of Men)
  • Two Prem surprise packages (Trashbirds; Mighty Whitey)
  • THREE Championship sides (Team Knifey; Boo-urnley; Blackburn)
  • One miracle minnow (League Two’s Grimsby Town)

With Blackburn Rovers (in the ded oooofffff night!) away to Team Knifey, there is guaranteed to be at least one lower division side at Wembley for the Raging Semis.  In a world of mega-club consolidation, we can be grateful for that.

Morning coffee time is back, with City of Men hosting the Bonesaws (7:30, USA).  The first matchup in this series was kind of bonkers, so let’s hope we at least get some Chaotic Evil here.

Chelski hosting Leeds get TV coverage in the 10:00 window (USA), because Americans like watching a good car crash.  Pistoleros/Cherries and Trashbirds/Hammers seem like better options for Peacocking.

Is Leicester away to Sham Town the weakest Spotlight Dance in EVAR (12:30, NBC).  Maybe so, but it’s March so ain’t fuckall else on.

Sunday doubleheader is full of poop, with the Prem’s two worst-constructed rosters (Extraordinarily Disappointing Everton away to Robins Hood, 9:00, USA), followed by evil incarnate (Redshite hosting potentially-fatigued Men Untied, 11:30, USA).  Hippo may try to forget to turn the TV box on, but Other Hippo is kind of a pedantic asshole.  YES, I get that you noticed already.

Enjoy the matches and whatever else distracts you from off-season tedium.

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Wakezilla

Toddlerzilla and I were playing when he grabbed his hard, plastic Stegasaurus toy and sucker punched me with it in the head. He busted me open the hard way.

I’m now going to have to whoop him to re-establish dominance, aren’t I?

/I’m obviously joking, but holy shit that hurt.

5
Mr. Ayo

Fuck his mother to send a message.

11
WCS

Remember that in 15 or so years, you’ll get to tell his prom date you fucked his mom.

5
WCS

Cousinfuckers can get their church shoes out and cleaned. WVU’s goin’ to the Tournament.

comment image

2
Wakezilla

What’s she been up to? It feels like Baywatch tanked her career

1
blaxabbath

Who is she

0
scotchnaut

Alexander Dungaree.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Remember that time I told you folks a story about how a friend of mine was a college professor and had to flunk a young woman because she was too dimwitted and scatterbrained to keep up with the class, and that the young woman eventually became a Hollywood actress but it had happened recently enough that my friend wasn’t comfortable with me sharing the actress’s name just quite yet? Good times.

Why am I bringing that up now? Oh, no reason.

Last edited 3 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
9
WCS

It’s been done.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vUhSYLRw14

2
Gumbygirl

I still can’t believe he did that. I think one of the last times I tripped, I spent several hours having an extremely intense conversation with a fire hydrant- he was really cool, don’t judge!

Last edited 3 years ago by Gumbygirl
5
yeah right

I played a game of slow pitch softball, league game, while tripping balls. The team we were playing was called The Force and they were made up of active police officers. It was fun as fuck until I made the final out with bases loaded when we were trailing by one.

I was playing first and catching the throws to first was intense when every one of the throws had trails.

3
Gumbygirl

I’ve seen you cheating on us at the Depot! ( I read it too!)

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Supposedly the Raiders had a player in the 70’s who would play on acid. Not one of the big name guys, but was with them for a couple of seasons.

2
WCS

(a VERY long list of redacted slurs and vulgarities)

— ghost of Lyle Alzado

2
Horatio Cornblower

Oh god, the Bruins are going to win the Cup this year and keep “THIS IS FAHCKIN’ TITEL (sic) TOWN YOU FACHKIN QUEEAHS!!!” going for another year, aren’t they?

1
WCS

They’re on track to hilariously implode in a First Round loss to the Islanders.

0
Senor Weaselo

Don’t threaten me with a first round meteor match!

/For safety reasons, hit TD Garden. Namely, my safety.

0
Wakezilla

I don’t know why, but I feel like they’re going to lose in the first or second round for some reason

1
scotchnaut

Sewer Wings lost 4-1. That is all.*

*except for the “Ha! Diddly Ha!” comment

1
Horatio Cornblower

I guess they’re not as good when every team in the NHL imports 6-7 Russians.

0
Horatio Cornblower

The Bruins jerseys are hideous.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Dr. Mrs. Deadly was invited to the Grizzlies-Lakers game on Tuesday. “It’s a shame that you won’t get to see LeBron play,” I told her. “But at least you’ll get to see Ja Morant, he’ll be fun to watch.”

Less than 24 hours later…

https://sports.yahoo.com/ja-morant-suspended-from-grizzlies-for-two-games-after-posing-with-gun-on-instagram-174603084.html

3
Redshirt

NFL HQ just freaked out when they saw “Mahomes”, “drugs”, and “sexual assault”.

https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/jackson-mahomes-brother-of-chiefs-qb-patrick-mahomes-accused-of-assault-by-restaurant-owner-and-waiter/

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I know it’s Mahomes’ brother’s trangression, but I still fervently believe that the NFL should vacate the Chiefs’ latest Super Bowl win as punishment, and also the one from a few years ago too.

2
Mr. Ayo

It’s only fair and right.

1
TheRevanchist

Patrick is great. His wife and brother we can all do without.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think it’s pretty clear that Patrick instigated this whole thing and it also relates to football somehow so the Chiefs’ title should be vacated and Mahomes should be exiled to the XFL, I honestly don’t see any other way for The Shield to handle it fairly.

4
blaxabbath

You could honestly write a version where Patrick is responsible and, so long as the NFL is hiding the truth to cover their liberal agenda is the punchline, FoxNews would pick up.

1
Redshirt

Yup. That’s was the first thing I thought when Ossai committed that foul.

“Dammit, Joseph. You cursed us all!!!”

1
Horatio Cornblower

I’m not sure why this keeps happening; Patrick clearly has enough money to have his brother killed.

8
Redshirt

If it happens in Missouri, no jury would convict him, even if the Closing Statement was Patrick wearing blood stained clothes, showing a slide show of the murder.

2
Senor Weaselo

Double checking that yes, the Ice Giants are playing with 11 and 5 (so a forward and a defenseman down) against the Bruins, in Boston.

Yes, they’re down 2-1, but how are the SOG 23-14 Rangers?

2
Senor Weaselo

One minnow is guaranteed (the hope of) a three-hour tour.

A three-hour tour.

2
Gumbygirl

It’s all fun and games until the weather starts getting rough.

1
King Hippo

I see why Ihenacho is eternally linked with Everton- he couldn’t hit water from a boat

1
scotchnaut

Baylor pressing, down 17 with 1:02 left to go. I mean, c’mon.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Baylor is well known for never giving up, and by that I mean never taking no for an answer, and by that I mean rape.

2
scotchnaut

Ioway State kicking Baylor’s ass. Their defensive metrics are really good-if they make the tourney, depending on the matchups, might be a sneaky Sweet Sixteen pick in your various pools.

0
WCS

Any and every Big 12 team in the NCAA Tournament has equal odds of reaching the Final Four or losing by 20 in the First Round.

1
Gumbygirl

My favorite sports memory evah was when my Blazers beat highly seeded Iowa State in the first round of the NCAA tourno, and the snotty little cornfed Hitler Youth sitting in front of us bawled his eyes out. Suck it, Jr. Nazi!

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There was more vacuuming at 10:20 a.m., followed by a break for breakfast, followed by more vacuuming now at 11 a.m..

2
scotchnaut

I suggest riling her up by asking her about her lack of dusting skills.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

She’s mad at me now because she asked me to do something, got impatient after about twenty minutes, and did it herself and I wasn’t able to keep a straight face while I was telling her how good a job she did and how happy I was that she took care of it for me and did it exactly the way I would have done it, had she simply let me handle it.

3
ballsofsteelandfury

That’s good trolling

0
Gumbygirl

SoCal Man Dies In Bizarre Vacuum Incident

3
Gumbygirl

She is welcome to revv up her Dyson here. I hate vacuuming. But I’d have to clean the house first, my place is a sty from the Covid fiasco, and leaving Gumby alone here all week did not improve matters.

1
scotchnaut

Georgetown getting completely embarrassed. UCONN (throws up in mouth slightly) is doing it but you have to take the W’s where you can get them.

/unlike the Sewer Wings, lately…

0
Horatio Cornblower

UConn’s playing Villanova tonight, what are you on about?

0
scotchnaut

I ain’t read good the ESPN scrolls, apparently.

/still hate UCONN though.

0
Horatio Cornblower

We’re a pretty detestable bunch.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I ain’t read good…

It’s why we refer to you as “leahmichellenaut” behind your back.

2
Horatio Cornblower

The Saints come up short on a PK.

You love to see it.

1
Mr. Ayo

That one’s on you.

0
Horatio Cornblower

It really was.

0
King Hippo

“HOLD OUR WARM BEER!” – Lester

0
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

That’s not beer

https://youtu.be/JK3uXc3lrfI

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Worst missed kick by the Saints since…

https://youtu.be/kTGco82JKHo

2
Mr. Ayo

Nailed It!

— B. Walsh

1
WCS

NOOO

0
King Hippo

Discovery from the dreaded outside world – they now make “our tone” varietal band-aids. In case you want to cosplay as Black or Hispanic after your next booboo.

They did NOT offer a “pasty fuck” colour, because the REEL racism is anti-white obvs

Last edited 3 years ago by King Hippo
0
WCS

“Tonight, on Hannity: WOKE Band-Aid wants your AMERICAN children to become trans-socialists who want to murder your other children’s unborn children and why Joe Biden isn’t stopping them!”

3
Brick Meathook

These band-aids are just low hanging fruit for all sorts of jokes.

0
scotchnaut

What will the outside world think of next?

0
King Hippo

Probably home genital reversal kit THANKS NOBUMMER!!!!1111

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Alls I know is that the Dwarf better have stretched really good. After that game….

5
Horatio Cornblower

I’m all in, but you might be surprised at the remarkable indifference Mrs. Horatio has towards the success of my sporting teams.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m all in…

“Really? I couldn’t tell.” – Deanna F., on her wedding night

4
Cecil Rhodes

GET IN REISS NELSON!!!!

3
King Hippo

Just an amazing individual effort to cap an amazing match

0
Horatio Cornblower

-Mrs. Nelson

2
King Hippo

Yeah, that man could fuck half the fit birds in London tonite.

3
Horatio Cornblower

YOU WONDER!!! YOU WONDER!!!!

2
yeah right

Christ, here comes the dagger. Three plus stoppage time is more than enough time for a loss.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Sorry, Yeah Right, but the power of the flag will not be denied this year.

1
yeah right

9 fucking minutes of stoppage time??!! This isn’t the fucking World Cup!

3
Horatio Cornblower

No idea how they got to that number, since I was destroying furniture for the second half. Guessing it had something to do with “The team at the top of the table needs a goal and are at home”?

1
yeah right

That’s the same calculus I used.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Bournemouth twitter is blaming their own manager for time-wasting tactics. No idea if this is true or not, (shit, that would have been my strategy if I were up 2 on Arsenal), but my god those fans seem to hate that man.

0
King Hippo

I have always said the best way to stop that shit is to mentality charge time-wasters at least time and a half.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Nice! I did quite a number on the leg of a couch this morning myself.”

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4
Horatio Cornblower

Good lord. Stopped watching to do some housework, (no vacuuming, got to use a hammer on some Ikea furniture we’re getting rid of), and if I was following this game closely I’m pretty sure I’d be drunk.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Vacuuming here started at 8:31 a.m. today.

3
Horatio Cornblower

That’s domestic violence.

1
2Pack

Been there. Dat chit is worldwide.

FB_IMG_1677912927156.jpg
7
Fronkenshteen

Time for Moyes to get the sack. This team has tuned him the fuck out, and he ain’t gonna follow us into the Championship League, so fuck it. Cut bait.

0
King Hippo

How checked out am I? Just realized this shock Cherries result also shovels MOAR dirt on the Everton grave

0
2Pack

Question about EPL norms. If relegated is there a minimum number of years they would stay at the lower league, or can they play back in within a year?

0
WCS

Hypothetically, a squadron can yo-yo from PL to Championship and back every year. Newcastle was relegated in ’08, won the Championship in ’09 and was back in PL in 2010. Happened again in 2014-16.

2
2Pack

thanks

0
Horatio Cornblower

Yeah Right will know this, but I think Bournemouth has been up and down times in the last 5 years, and I know before this year Fulham was famous for being “one year up, one year down”

2
yeah right

We were a fixture for several years in the Prem, spent 3 years down and back up this year. Looking at the standings and well fuck.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Schedule doesn’t do you any favors, but I see games against Southhampton and Everton remaining, so there’s that.

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

There’s a solid foot of snow outside it’s just starting to warm up enough to melt the snow so it’s getting heavy and wet. Took almost 2 hours to clean off the car and to clear the driveway. Will have more shoveling to do when the plow comes by. Gonna run out of dry gloves, toques and coats at this rate

1
Col. Duke LaCross

It’s 2023 and I still hate Max Verstappen.

0
Cecil Rhodes

Would you prefer it if he Max Ver-stopped driving? Maybe you can send him a message on Instagram.

6
Cecil Rhodes

A rather toothless first half from the King’s Finest. It seems that former golden boy Emile Smith-Rowe is not the player he once was. Is manservant Nketiah ready to come out of the barracks? We need his inspiration and coloUrful demeanoUr up front!

Last edited 3 years ago by Cecil Rhodes
4
Horatio Cornblower

Jesus, looking at the highlight Bournemouth basically scored on an on-sides kick, then got away with a blatant handball in the box, the latter being one of the reasons I was up so late last night.

HEY-O!

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s My Gunners!

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Fuck, it’s early!

0
Horatio Cornblower

I don’t do this lightly, but the flag’s going up for the second half.

1
WCS

Dwarf’s warming up right now?

1
Horatio Cornblower

Stretching is very important.

1
King Hippo

Got to be a pen that

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s cold and cloudy again here in Los Angeles. Why must we suffer such indignity!

3
King Hippo

Few things amuse Hippo more than a true and pure OG. Prem should give out a monthly Ice T award for them.

1
King Hippo

King’s Afrikan Water Pistols punishing the sleepin-in Clubhouse support

2
litre_cola

Trashbirds and Cherries are up. Just waiting for that Chelski goal.

1
King Hippo

85% possession for Arse and they’s lucky not to be down nil-2

0
Horatio Cornblower

Had a late night and just got up to see the Gunners down 1-0. I’m not really surprised, coming off a Wednesday game with a real high picking up a 5-point lead over Man City and then looking past a woeful Bournemouth team.

Still an hour to go, but Arsenal simply shouldn’t need two goals over 60 minutes to beat Bournemouth. But they do.

2
King Hippo

Dwarf should have woke you up in time, cut his weekend kibble rations in half.

5
2Pack

Well while not unexpected, a disappointment for my adopted side none the less.

1
WCS

Newcastle are the Jest of this.

comment image

Last edited 3 years ago by WCS
2
litre_cola

Its brisket day people!

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

brisket i barely know it

1
King Hippo

It’s all about the nookie smgdh

1
Dunstan

“I’m gonna need you to be more specific.” — Andy Reid

1
LongtimeLionsLoser

Anyone else want to go in with me and buy this prison? We could let Kansas City DFO readers have their in-laws stay there while visiting.

We could also host Fozz’s MIL.

https://paulavoss.nexthomevibe.com/property/122-2418010-208-w-pearl-street-harrisonville-MO-64701?fbclid=IwAR2Qo2-G36m0rguDAj55nChejS2se0o7l729vm6oU2rRmut5c_m6YktsZVE

Last edited 3 years ago by LongtimeLionsLoser
1
herodotus450

Imagine it looks something like this
comment image

3
LongtimeLionsLoser

How many of us recognized the image (shyly raises hand)?

1
Brick Meathook

This the San Francisco Armory. I worked on a VFX shoot in here in the late 90s. I think it’s a porn studio now.

1
LongtimeLionsLoser

It is, in fact, a porn studio now.

0
King Hippo

Dan Burn is a remarkably cuntish cunt.

1
litre_cola

Happened when he left West London.

0
2Pack

Napoli lost yesterday for only the second time this year. Still comfortably in 1st place but Marika was unhappy.

Marika-Fruscio.jpg
2
King Hippo

To the comical DAS RAYCESS of Lazio, no less.

1
2Pack

Yeah… Derp

0
ballsofsteelandfury

I would comfort her so well for 45 seconds…

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Show off

2
King Hippo

That’s the sound of mace hitting Hipo’s face, and 2Pack’s Geordie dreemz

1
2Pack

Yeah I know it’s a reach. But a fella can dream.

0
King Hippo

Y’all was the better team last 15′ or so, fair do.

0
2Pack

Let’s go Giordies. Need the upset today.

e219cca8-c83f-450d-b571-ad2120f1b782.jpg
2
King Hippo

I’d bar HER codes!

1
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