Although I’m writing this Sunday morning at 9:45 EST, I’m fairly confident I’ll be 0-2 in both Math Hard! and Freezer Vodka-I know my limits. Hope you’re doing better than I am.
To The Game!
Bears/Houston:
-The Caleb I saw in preseason did not match the one that played in the opener. The latter seemed flummoxed by defensive coverages which is to be expected one would think. Still, he was certainly more decisive in his reads and throws in that preseason tilt.
-As one would expect, Keenan Allen is injured already with a heel thingy. The rook Rome Odunze also had some problems but may be able to go. Luckily Chicago is fairly deep at wr and D.J. Moore is more than capable of handling some extra work.
-Accuracy, thy name is Stroud. If his completion rate reaches 75% this evening he will be only the second fella (Brady was the first, of course) to reach that number in four straight games.
-Mixon made me look like a smart hominid (not an easy thing to do!) when I ventured that a change of scenery would rejuvenate him. He was the first rb to run for 150+ yards and a TD on the opening weekend since Arian Foster did it in the year of our Goodell, 2010. Let’s not burden the old fella with 30 touches again though, okay?
-Chicago got the win last week but it was far from conventional. Depending on TD returns and pick sixes to dig oneself out of a 17 point deficit is not something that can be done on the regular. Should they be jockeying for a wild card berth towards the end of the season they can thank their unlikely Week One win for keeping them in the mix.
Type your life away.
dammit slide caleb
do i need to remind you what happened to jim mcmahon’s brain?
Tua is still.so.concussed he thinks he should still play.
You probably need to remind Jim.
“On the back end” is one of Tirico’s favorite phrases.
Me too!
“He caught 108 balls last year!”
Buddy Cole: “Gimme some amyl nitrate and I’ll catch 109 by 11:45!”
Is Lance Armstrong involved?
Look, I don’t judge.
would only be one ball
I assume that’s what you’d need to get to 109, or any odd number
That’s kinda the joke…
I’m going to bed before one more shitball comes streaking out of the sky to smack me right in the balls. Good night all. Tip your bartender.
When all your QBs end up scrambling for dear life, maybe it’s time to consider that it’s not the QB quality that’s the problem
You want me to pay for n O Line? Are you a communist?
If you can’t draft them in fantasy football, then they must not be worth anything!
I hear the Bears a-callin
Tossed out of bounds and scrambled QBs
They calling again
Zachary Quito in “Totally Not House” on NBC
Doctor RetaThe Good Doctor But Without That Icky Autism Thing He Does.I had dinner with an old friend who does diagnostics at the NIH and worked very hard to suppress my urges to make a comparison, because I’m sure he gets that way, way too often.
This is the most Bears football I have watched for years and my reaction to this is that Soldier Field should be burned to the ground and the earth upon which it stood sowed with salt.
Holy Christ.
for sure they ruined it in 2002
(but this game is in houston)
But it’s prime riverside real estate
And waste all that prime Lake Michigan beach front property? Seems excessive.
It’s also across from the Field Museum, which is cool. They could make the land an annex.
Yeah, it’s got the Field, the Shedd Aquarium, and a planetarium right next door.
Those can stay.
I still think they should name the new stadium “The Woods”
Show me on the doll where Jerry Jones touched you.
it is good caleb can move because that bears line is still a fucking issue that keeps getting ignored every year
Bears #64 needs to get his fat ass in gear, he completely missed the rusher.
earlier he whiffed on a block that resulted in a run for no gain
He Hainsworth jr?
Not really sure why I feel like pulling for the Bears, but here we are.
“Pulling for the bears” also describes how Buddy Cole spent his summer vacation
Are you a big fan of sweater vests and self-loathing?
Sounds like Rick Santorum’s presidential campaign
Perhaps the only thing Santorum agreed should be aborted.
https://x.com/LicensePlateGuy/status/1835407927407976696
shotgun on 4th and inches?
you lucky you got a good spot
Chicago and the Angry Inch
Did I miss anything good?
Our witty banter and dick jokes, of course.
Also, in a crushing loss the Bungles had an all time great interception.
Esoteric quandary – they should move it up a yard-ish. But it’s still short. So makes it close enough to go for it on 4th, but you still lose challenge (since it doesn’t result in a first down).
Is it worth it?
NAWT when you kick it anyway. Waste of a challenge and timeout.
Got a bunch of oranges I need to use. I bought them, I didn’t just pick them off neighbors’ trees like SOME people.
Looking up cocktail recipes, but taking suggestions! First up is The Abbey (gin, Lillet blanc, OJ, orange bitters)
Hurricanes
That requires passionfruit juice, which I do not have.
But absolutely a great drink. It is also mandatory to sing the Scorpions song when you drink one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4RjJKxsamQ
Winds Of Change my Blood Alcohol Level
It’s funny, because I have plenty of passion fruit now that I HAVE MY VERY OWN VINE.
beware of orange
Memosas
Opening a bottle of prosecco is too much of a commitment for me.
The Abbey was disappointing.
Next up is a Monkey Gland: gin, OJ, grenadine, in a glass with an absinthe rinse. Supposed named in honor of wacko Dr. Vornoff, who performed experiments of grafting monkey testicles onto humans.
My ears are burning…
now THIS is a decent challenge
shoulda gone for it, cowards
So I’m walking into the care facility and pass by a guy who is talking about how horrible the Commanders game was and I said, “You want to see a bad game? Watch the Ravens.”
Then this potato shaped, needle dicked, assfuck says, “I hope the Ravens lose so many games they quit football.”
I kept on walking, and held my middle finger over my head.
Some people just need to have their face washed with concrete.
Probably an original Browns fan.
Like his kidneys quit on him.
hilarious waste of a challenge/timeout
lovie smith is back, you guys!
it was even RIGHT in front of the coach!
lmao
I really enjoyed Hobo Lovie Smith’s JV career at Illinois. Poor man always looked so bewildered.
My fantasy team is on fire. I scored ONE WHOLE POINT TODAY.
Well played
what arms
“What kind of woke bookstore is this? You don’t believe in our god-given right to bare arms?”
Why aren’t artists doing sexy marble statues anymore?
I could use some more Sexy Friday original material.
Because, if it was not some body positive bullshit, the sculptor would be canceled faster than the gov wastes money.
And really, who can afford that much marble.
Wow, they price that shit per ton, with minimums in the hundreds.
John Oliver just won an Emmy.
I know this because that fucking Will Ferrell ad for PayPal just came on and I changed the channel faster than the Secret Service cut off that 60-year-old white male with a history of conspiracy theories, voting for Trump, and generally being insane but who was still somehow allowed to get his hands on an AK-47.
Oh my god. He was dedicating the win to his dog, went long, they started to play him off and he said “what a perfect choice of music because we just had to out her down” and they cut the music.
That’s just beautiful.
“If he wuz serious, he’d use a ‘Merrican gun.”
-MAGAchud
I’d listen to an alternate Melendezcast on Peacock
These 500s look like real Owl contenders to Hippo. Imagine how meta, if/when a bunch of imaginary people hype up an imaginary franchise for FITBAW supremacy.
“Can I be the coach?”
-Manti Te’o
Settle down. They’re playing the Bears.
I’m looking for funding to make carbonite freezing possible. My goal is to freeze Romo and Collinsworth and shoot them into the fucking sun.
Monkey Paw curls… Tom Brady commentary 24/7
So my expectations for the game is 27-20 Texans
Younghoe Koo, Woody Allen’s favorite
tonight we find out which wins
the deshaun watson trade vs the bryce young trade
#ThePauls should trade TheShaun and their entire 2025 and 2026 drafts to the Black Panthers for Young.
That sounds kinda creepy, Cris.
I’m gonna need you to narrow that way down.
Q1 has solidified my opinion that Collinsworth is worse than Brady. Perhaps by a factoUr of 3 or 4.
Brady still suck, of course. But as an announcer, he sucks in a mostly forgettable, harmless way.
For now….most announcers seem to get more annoying as their career progresses
They are being taught the way you have to announce. Insight and individuality are slowly sucked out of them by the corporate mindset.
Being a football know-it-all seems like a great way to get your ass beat in bars.
Having the “know-it-all” insist that the Dolphins will go all the way has not aged well.
“All the way (through the concussion protocol)!”
“50 cent boneless wings” is actually a chiefs play, brock
One of Andy Reid’s favorites
DOINK!
Damnit, I actually briefly like Collinsworth for noting the CAMERA DOINK
DASH CAM DOINK
What the fuck as the Bears wearing on their heads?
a terrible marketing department
Walter Payton did not die for this.
Tribute a Chicago original the Bozo Show
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cap_Boso
They’re trying to make the Guardian caps seem less goofy lookin
my little sister sent a text to Mrs. Fozz that basically said that even though I’m having a hard time with all the shit with my family, I should be thinking about her struggles.
Oh, ok.
You should reply “I am. It’s one of the few things that brings me joy.”
Oh man, that’s perfect. Thank you. i will use that. Because seriously, my family can go to hell.
When it comes to burning bridges you can’t do better than a middle-aged attorney who’s a couple of beers in.
Vaya con Dios.
Fuck, I thought Trumpy was a narcissist.
Obligatory dagum TX High School Football, baby
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHkABO0VwCg
AWW NOOOO NOOOOOOOOOO
The Bears’ strategy of trying to get the Texans to confuse them with the Broncos doesn’t seem likely to succeed
you can certainly see why they’d TRY IT, though…
I haven’t coached in 10 yrs. Maybe when a little Success comes around. I have thought about looking to coach some MS or HS ball. I’m building a house now in a more rural smaller county so maybe I will hit those schools up.
With all the new teams in the B1G Conference, I thought this was the Fighting Illini playing one of the former PAC-10/12 teams.
Coached o e kid who walked on at Oregon, coached a monster of a kid who went on to be all state olineman and he kind of flames out in college.
Ugh wrong comment reply
Ok that opening was the.first confirmation that the Caleb Williams I coached in little.league in DC land who played linebacker and rb but wanted to play QB who had smart but controlling parents was not in fact that Caleb Williams.
when do we get MOAR Coach Duchess???
This is cool because I coached two incredibly gifted kids in a soccer league over three summers. I assume they went into other sports because I watched for them in U-20 soccer competitions for a few years and never saw them.
My son played high school baseball with 3 kids that could have played at least some level of pro ball. All went D-1 after high school, two of them self-sabotaged themselves right out of their programs within a year, the other was doing well and then tore his shoulder all to hell and never played again.
He did at least get a degree.
Best kid who played with my little brother (I coached both) started several years at 3B for NC State, and made it as far as AA.
My bragging point is that I gave him his first exposure to 3B, because trust me, that’s where you’ll play as a pro. I remember giving him ridiculous performance targets, in order for me to let him take a late-game at bat right-handed. Kids that good, you have to be creative to keep their minds engaged.
I think all three of these kids suffered from having a high school coach who absolutely sucked. Guy consistently did less with more than anyone I’ve ever known not named Aaron Boone.
This just in: this entire day can suck my balls.
Shame Pizza procured.
Only shameful Pizza is Detroit.style
or from the Papa
Once a year we get Pizza Hut stuffed crust. Normally we go to mom and pop’s through the neighboUrhood. Hence shame.
There was a pizza place near me now that years back was caught buying Sams Club pizza and reselling it
I suppose you could do that as well with one of them ghost kitchens for delivery.
WTF. Was it any good?
Sams Club is no Costco Pizza. Costco is like the nations 3rd biggest pizza chain
Buddy, I entered and won a pie eating contest last night. Let me tell you about shame…
We only care about the W.
Me: I did it for the clubhouse!
The Clubhouse: Does that mean we get pie?
Me: Uh, no. I ate it. That was kinda the point, remember?
The Clubhouse:
I trust you know the old joke about how making partner at a law firm is like winning a pie-eating contest where the prize is “more pie.”
I am familiar with it and there’s a hell of a lot of truth to it.
I just caught up on the Seahawks game, and even though it was back/forth and a close win – it did not feel like a damn Pete Carroll game of being frustrated that they were even in that situation to begin with. Like Vilma was saying, it was a great game of adjustments from both teams, and it feels good to not be on the edge of a heart attack in the 4th quarter because of stupid ass play calls.
Or maybe this depression medication is truly working and I’m not a ball of anxiety about everything anymore.
This will be the MAGAs 1st look at Caleb’s painted nails. I expect a rational discourse on the matter, in that its not a matter.
I’m just here for the mooncakes.
Which is to say upstairs at Senorita Weaselo’s family’s dinner table. Also there was Peking Duck! I also enjoy that.
Shhh, do you want Andy Reid to show up??
Taylor Swift ruins more CBS Sundays than Lesley Stahl on benzos
Pregame host just said that she’d never encountered anyone like Caleb Williams because he said when he was nine that he wanted to be the best ever.
Yeah, no nine year olds think they’re gonna be star athletes, that’s totally unique.
When I was 9 I thought I was gonna be a mad chemist, so I was half right
Didn’t see the volcano lair coming, did you?
I actually thought I would have my own non-volcanic island base
I wanted to be an intergalactic bounty hunter…. None of that came true… My life is a fraud.
I wanted to be an NHL player, and/or a Playboy photographer
I wanted to be a dipshit attorney who sat around talking football and making dick jokes with a bunch of people on something Al Gore was working in and I gotta tell ya, I am nailing it.
Lowratio is just a bonus?
Just looked at the scoring summary from NYG@WAS and it’s bizarre that the team with 3 TDs is the team with 18 points and the team that only kicked field goals has 21
if you do not like that you do not like nfc east football
Oh I think it’s hilarious, especially since WAS just signed their kicker last Tuesday after he didn’t make the Jest roster
bet they arrested the guy politer than they did Tyreek
He didn’t even get to use his AK, today was a bad day
Members of the Chiefs organization and authority figures (artist’s conception):
burn these damn orange bears helmets
For some reason, the Stillers host the Jest and Gints in consecutive prime times in November.
Sorry in advance.
Jest @ Stillers might be perversely enjoyable but can’t imagine anything short of a Hippoload of opiates making the Los Gigantes tilt watchable
That might be the game Dimes secures his injury guarantee for next year.
I’m calling him Ha’pennies now
Thats Biden’s America