Hi everyone,

It’s your old pal Beerguy,

back once again to pronounce what’s what for all the NHL teams in advance of the upcoming season.

Technically, this preview is a tad late, because Buffalo & New Jersey are over in Prague drinking it up like Brits on a stag. But since I don’t recognize the overseas games as valid NHL dates – BTW, fuck Gary Bettman with Roger Goodell’s severed dick – this is as close to on-time as I can manage these days. (It’s a bargaining year!)

So, without further adieu,

Atlantic Division:

Toronto Maple Leafs – Tavares out as Captain; Matthews in. None of this shit matters until they get to the Second Round. Until then, they’re just 15 minutes of every national sports broadcast.

Montreal Canadiens – when I was a kid, this team was manned by gods. I hated them so much. Now it’s just sad.

Florida Panthers – did the Lord’s work beating the Oilers, so they get no hate from me.

Tampa Bay Lightning – now that Stamkos is gone, we will see how much smoke & mirrors the whole thing actually was.

Boston Bruins – my childhood team, and everyone’s favourite only when they play the Leafs; especially during the playoffs. Otherwise, your mileage on Brad Marchand will vary.

Detroit Red Wings – Year… 3(?) of the Stevie Y rebuild, and very little to show for it. Right now, it’s still “Bart Starr coaching the Packers”, but it might become “Forrest Gregg coaching the Packers” pretty fucking quick.

Ottawa Senators – aww man, I don’t want to poop on them. Eugene Melnyk is still dead, and Saturday nights when they host the Leafs and they beat them are some of the best nights of Canadian TV around. I wonder what the tears of the Leaf fans who overpaid Sens fans for those seats taste like? I bet Adderall. 

Buffalo Sabres – good thing his daughter is such a good tennis player, because Terry Pagula can’t seem to do anything else right. The front office is more inbred than Newman Enterprises.

^{MAGA’s might have opinions about the miscegenation, though.}

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Metropolitan Division:

New Jersey Devils – they seem one Hughes brother away from being a Cup contender.

Washington Capitals – all eyes are on Ovi trying to get to Gretzky’s goal scoring record, something once-thought untouchable. He’s currently 41 behind – 894-853 – which makes a late-March ticket a must-have if he’s close. God, I hope he does it against the Leafs.

New York Islanders – might be good; might be bad. Their playoff run last year indicated that they have the same problem with Carolina that Toronto has with the Bruins.

Pittsburgh Penguins – “Sid the Kid” is 37 this year. The “Golden Goal” was almost 15 years ago. “Moving on” apparently isn’t an option.

Carolina Hurricanes – FUCK YOU, NU-WHALERS!

Columbus Blue Jackets – the NHL can dress this pig up all they want, but these nu-Barons are a garbage franchise that play in a college arena but don’t have the need to move to Utah. (Also, ol’ Gary B would never let them decamp to Quebec.)

Philadelphia Flyers – these Broad Street Pussies haven’t been essential viewing for a while now. They must be a nightmare to root for, since they lost eight straight to end the season & cost themselves a playoff spot.

New York Rangers – I don’t have an opinion about the current team per se, but I’d love for them to bring back these old classics from 1978.

Central Division:

Utah Hockey Club – I wonder which transplanted Coyote will be the first to two wives? My money’s on Dylan Guenther. 

Colorado Avalanche – once again the Conference favourite to win it all, but we here at [DFO] are contractually obligated to resist supporting anything owned by Stan Kroenke, that Wal-Mart married, team-moving son of a bitch.

Winnipeg Jets – the classic example of “good on paper”, the current NHL playoff format does them as badly as it does the Leafs, but everyone outside “The Six” feels bad for the Jets & nothing for the Leafs.

St. Louis Blues – has “Gloria” worn out its charm yet? Not since the Canucks started using U2 as their team song have I turned against something I liked so harshly.

Dallas Stars – my secret dark horse because they are owned by the Gagliardi brothers, who were screwed out of the Canucks ownership by former friend Francesco Aquilini. If they win a Cup before him, it will hopefully either kill him or force him to sell. Either way, the fans win.

Nashville Predators – a surprisingly great hockey town. Always had fun attending their games. Their yellow jerseys are an abomination, however, and makes me feel like I’m at a Swedish Elite League game between Malmo & Linköping.

Chicago Blackhawks – still deserve to be in Purgatory for all the shit they covered up about the scandals. They will probably be punished with more top-of-round draft picks.

Minnesota Wild – their existence is an abomination, and their jerseys are somehow worse. The version using the North Stars colours is the worst type of historical revisionism since TikTok discovered Hitler’s speeches.

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Pacific Division:

Calgary Flames – A terrible season that will be masked by their tributes to Johnny Gaudreau, a player they let go two years ago.

Vegas Golden Knights – Gary Bettman’s preferred favourite to win the Cup, judging by the salary cap shenanigans he allows for Mark Stone & arranged around Robin Lehner’s contract.

Seattle Kraken – still haven’t been to a game there yet, but that’s because I can’t get free tickets & refuse to pay $20 for a Bud Light.

Vancouver Canucks – a beacon of light in a darkened world, I will love them until mid-March, when the stink of failure approaches upon the horizon like impending doom.

Anaheim Ducks – once again, I appreciate the NHL’s commitment to the bit, despite the fact that the last movie came out in 1996, and they just canceled the The Mighty Ducks: Game Changers series after two seasons. Most people attend their games as a reward for Dad surviving the trip to Disneyland, which seems to be why their start time is always 7:30.

Edmonton Oilers – spent $81 million on goal scoring, leaving them $500K for defence & goaltending. Expect the “McDavid’s leaving” talk to start around Christmas. They should be fine until the Third Round.

Los Angeles Kings – got beat in the first round by the Oilers, but have a surprisingly solid core upon which to build. None of that matters until they go back to the purple & gold. And just so we’re clear, this version

not the modern abomination.

San Jose Sharks – just terrible. That teal jersey looks stale, and they traded away most of their moderate talent in an attempt to foster rebuilding. I’m not staying up late for their game, and I’m in the same time zone!

Predicciones:

Sixteen out of 30 teams qualify for the playoffs, and it’s an 82-game season, so anything can happen, Meaning, there’s no real need to pay attention until about early-March. (Or the trade deadline, if you’re a nervous/typical Leafs fan.) As usual, the first round will be fantastic, as the horrifically designed playoff system does what it’s master wants & eliminates most of the Canadian teams. Boringly, it’ll be the Rangers & Panthers in the East, and the Oilers & Avalanche in the West. Lord knows, the devil will do his best to keep that from happening.

God, I miss having free time. Enjoy the season!