Good morning, reprobates. Scotchy had some fresh hobos to skinfamily bidness to take care of, so y’all stuck with me. You get paroled for SNF, when Litre takes over. To the action!
Vikings (-3.5) at Bearistocrats (Fox)
Touch of Downs continues to show signs of hard regression to the paste-eater we all know and mostly tolerate. Will he go full-you-know-what against the surprisingly competent Chi**** pass defense? Will the home crew score enough points for it to matter?
Lions (-7.5) at Fat Humps (Fox)
I wanted to try and sell this as a potential banana skin, but couldn’t keep a straight face. Runaway NFC freight train continues unabated to the Lombardi.
P*ts (+7.5) at LOLfins (CBS)
Finally, a home favoUrite, and Tua seems to be getting a bit of his mojo back. Though let’s not make him think too hard about that stuff. Drake Maye has been doing his best “Bad Josh Allen” impression, which is still a whole lot better than the Massholes faithful have been used to seeing under centre. Sleeper good matchup.
Bucs (-6) at Vertically Enhanced Persons (CBS)
OK, fine. I can’t think of anything nice to stay here. Good news, Jerseyites! You are free of the Dimebag boogeyman. The bad news is…everything else. MRSA Men have a very soft defense to welcome Dr. Mantiss Toboggan back to the active roster.
Non-Gendered Cowpersons (+10.5) at Commies (Fox)
No seriously, this is a game that will actually happen. Just be thankful it wasn’t cemented into the SNF window or sommet. Cooper Rush is gonna have a bad time. Dok Zymm will have quite the opposite.
Chefs (-10.5) at Black Panthers (CBS)
Ah, the universe snaps back into balance, with a 10.5-point road dog to balance out the Commies rawdogging of the ‘Persons. Let’s just hope Wee Bryce doesn’t die, and that KHunt gets me lots of evil fantasy points. Spoiler – the first part is far likelier than the second. Pacheco Truthers have to wait another week to see if his leg falls plum off.
Tits (+7.5) at 500s (CBS)
Classic Surly Duff matchup here, and I have low scoring vibes. Sooner or later, Tennessee will successfully keep its opponent down in the much for 60 minutes. Or dare we hope 70, and Most Glorious Draw?
I’m up early and in Chicago. Contemplating trying to go to the game, but also contemplating wrapping myself in fuzzy blankets and drinking mimosas while watching Red Zone. Oh, or I could find a cowperson’s bar and go point and laugh! Although at this point in the season they’ve had the cowfolk still showing up at a team bar are probably worthy of respect so I would do so in a friendly way.
Should a bowl-ineligible Alabama team be seeded 7th in the CFB Playoff??!!