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Smoke ‘Em If Ya Got ‘Em-Your Last NFL Open Thread

scotchnaut

/

, ,

Well, not ever, just today.

To The Game!

Chargers/Chiefs:

-I’ve the notion that these teams may very well meet up in the postseason, given the momentum that Los Angeles has. Their play has improved on a near weekly basis. That asshole Harbaugh sure can coach, gotta give him that.

-Are they the most dangerous 8-4 team in the league? I’m going to go out on a limb and say yes. (they’re the only 8-4 team, btw) They’re 5-1 in their last six tilts and three of their losses were by one score. The other loss was by 10 points to the Steelers back in September when the team was still finding its footing.

-They’ve not allowed even 200 points yet (188). The Chiefs D that everyone raves about (including me) has given up 235 to this point.

-Kansas City has won six straight against these guys however.

-Who names their kid Ladd? Anyhoo, he’s sure making a name for himself lately, garnering target numbers of 7, 9, 6 and 12 in four of his last five games. Among rookies McConkey is second only to Nabers in yards receiving.

-Are you feeling a flagkakke coming on this evening that will eventually benefit the Chiefs? Me too.

Enjoy.

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BC Dick

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Dm2TSMerGPQ

Beans to you if you don’t like it, I love this song right now. They’re both so damned good-looking. The capitalization is lacking but, hell, I enjoy it.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

While my wife and her mother discuss finances, I’ll just poke my head into the clubhouse and…ah yes. I see we’re still firmly entrenched in the darkest timeline. I didn’t realize that complete hopelessness could simultaneously feel so comforting; like a warm blanket made out of live cockroaches.

0
Doktor Zymm

Would cockroaches really be warm? They’re cold blooded

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Maybe they’re radioactive or something.

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean it is the darkest timeline; regular cockroaches simply would not do.

1
BC Dick

Just imagine the room getting warmer in the middle of the night and it’s just the hot cockroaches.

4
Doktor Zymm

HOT BUG GO BRRRRRR

1
Doktor Zymm

https://youtu.be/UIh3Z4NOprw
I might actually go see a movie in a theater for the first time since…..I think the last one was The Imitation Game in 2014

0
TheRevanchist

I think that Tim “The Toolman” Taylor did another Santa movie? Maybe go twice.

0
Horatio Cornblower

I’m in. DFO Movie Date Day?

0
Redshirt

Doink (Heel) Titantron

2
Wakezilla

The old Gods wanted to screw the Dolphins over and the NFL said not today. Capitalism has officially defeated the old Gods!

1
yeah right

Fuck you Doink.

You’re my least favorite deity.

0
TheRevanchist

What a great ending! Thanks to all of you for rooting for the right team to win. Go Chefs!

2
WCS

Revanchist is Otto in disguise.

5
litre_cola

Those who know, know.

3
Horatio Cornblower

Needs more graphs.

0
Mr. Ayo

You have to be kidding me!

DOINK FOR THE WIN!

5
ballsofsteelandfury

I was just going to type the same thing.

You have got to be kidding me

0
WCS

comment image

1
Doktor Zymm

DAMN DESTINY DOINK

2
WCS

Even SHA’NKLOR enjoys Chargering.

1
Gumbygirl

Bad doink. Booooooo!

3
Redshirt

Et tu, DOINK!?

2
Gatoraids

Charger’s the Error Tour will never conclude

7
BC Dick

Hate it and love it.

0
fleshwound_NPG

deus ex machina, the team

2
fleshwound_NPG

LIKE I SAID

0
Bogdanski

Wait a minute, what happened to Make America kick again? Is he hurt because of wife/property not taking sufficient care of him?

1
Redshirt

He’s either hurt or was named an Ambassador by Trump.

3
Doktor Zymm

tore his MENiscus

3
Bogdanski

Exactly why we need to end no fault divorce!

1
Doktor Zymm

Kickers move around a lot, they must be good at finding short term rentals

2
BC Dick

They just move in with the holders.

2
Wakezilla

After the package of Mahomes getting hit, Tua has been put in concussion protocol

2
litre_cola

Here comes the fuck you

0
Wakezilla

Miami needs LA to lose. KC is missing the field goal

1
Redshirt

Bend over and grab your ankles. The Chiefs are coming in hot.

0
BC Dick

Milk man has made this a real team.

0
Redshirt

That Kicking Net nearly ended a dynasty.

0
fleshwound_NPG

gifting the chiefs with a bad kickoff and putting it on the 40 yard line with less than 5 minutes left?

yep, it was in the script for sure

0
Redshirt

Yeah, but at least BLEERGH wasn’t involved here. Clippers Clipped themselves.

0
Doktor Zymm

That should count against Dicker the Kicker in fantasy

1
Redshirt

Of course, Chad Johnson would be involved with the Maddencast. If he put the same effort in being cool and popular into practicing and improving, he might’ve won one or two of those Bengals playoff games.

0
Doktor Zymm

Did he change his name back?

0
WCS

Like, before COVID.

1
Redshirt

He it did to get married, who he promptly headbutted because he is a child in the body of a grown man and had a temper tantrum.

Ochocinco is now his middle name.

1
Doktor Zymm

Wow, that is even more messed up than I would have guessed

0
Redshirt

That’s the madness of Ocho. How good he was: that was him slacking off and not putting in the effort.

1
litre_cola

He gave mad respect to the CFL. Did nae know they were that good.

2
BC Dick

Neither did Manziel. They’re all big men until they show up and realize it’s the nfl but 3 inches shorter across the board.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, I haven’t watched any football today but felt compelled to stop by and remind myself and everyone that the Bears were 4-2 going into their bye week. THIS season.

7
Doktor Zymm

Last place schedule and backloaded division games

1
Gatoraids

It’s Alive, It’s Alive

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6
Redshirt

LEAVE MY CITY, WILL YOU?!

0
Beerguyrob

How did I even win one fantasy matchup this year?

2
litre_cola

We discussed this in person. You and GTD had auto draft and you lost

3
yeah right

Gonna steal Horatio’s bit and do a quick in season mock draft.

One single fast food item.

I’ll start with KFC original recipe chicken thigh.

Your turn.

3
Beerguyrob

A&W Papa burger, no pickles.

0
WCS

Double Arby’s roast beast with cheese sauce and three pepper sauce.

2
fleshwound_NPG

jimmy johns #5 vito

(a private equity firm just recently bought them out, so enjoy it while it lasts)

0
fleshwound_NPG

(oh wait, that was jersey mikes, phew im safe)

1
Doktor Zymm

Shamrock Shake

0
litre_cola

Chicken FIL A spicy

1
yeah right

Taj chimes in with a Robertos carne asada burrito.

No guac.

2
yeah right

Sorry, no goddamn guac.

2
Gumbygirl

No goddamn guac!

Mr-Pickle.jpg
4
DJ TAJ

You’re are my very favorite and everybody should damn well know.

0
Wakezilla

Breakfast Baconater from Wendy’s. My God that thing is so delicious

1
Doktor Zymm

oh I forgot about breakfast items!

1
Gatoraids

Popeyes’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich

3
Gumbygirl

Popeyes chicken sandwich, extra pickles

4
Redshirt

McRib

2
WCS

comment image

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Waffle House hash browns scattered, smothered, and covered.

5
litre_cola

With a side of fistfight?

3
WCS

Meth chaser in the bathroom!

0
BeefReeferLives

Dick’s Deluxe

Ain’t nothing like a big ol bag o’ Dick’s

comment image?w=900&h=-1&s=1

4
BeefReeferLives

IMHO, Dick’s is what McDonald’s probably tasted like before Ray Kroc enshittified it.

1
Redshirt

I can see that. “The Founder” practically showed everyone how to do it. It just depends on if you’re content being modestly successful versus streamlining for greater profits.

1
Bogdanski

In n out. Double double, animal style. I win

3
yeah right

Solid solid choice.

0
litre_cola

As a tourist I found in n out worse than 5 guys

3
BC Dick

Burger Baron is the way. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WMl_zwsj26k

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Clearly you were temporarily insane

0
BC Dick

As a tourist I can only imagine Litre dressed in pastels with a ninja turtles Fanny pack, complaining about the ketchup on his in and out hamburger.

2
litre_cola

Easy Johnny Rye-a-lot.

3
BC Dick

Yes. The site actually told me to cool down. I just woke up from a midday rye nap and went ham on unnecessary comments.

0
Bogdanski

Sure, their fries aren’t great. And isn’t a 5 guys burger 4x the cost of in n out. The only memorable thing about 5 guys for me was the peanuts. But despite the seemingly adamant post I really don’t care about ranks and just enjoy what i enjoy and want everyone else to too

0
yeah right

I like five guys for the bacon and sauteed mushrooms for free and it’s a tasty burger.

2
Doktor Zymm

I’m changing mine. Does a dirty water hot dog count as fast food?

1
litre_cola

Script is in. Spanoi td, then the Chefs get 2 rouges

3
BC Dick

You’ll get nothing and like it!

0
litre_cola

Chris Jones is very underated

-1
BC Dick

He’s adequately rated. Where have you been?

0
Doktor Zymm

What is the sexiest color of fishnet?

2
yeah right

Black?

I’m going black.

3
litre_cola

Easy twbs

7
yeah right

Wouldn’t be the first time.

1
litre_cola

Red if with matching bra. Thank you for your service.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

Glow in the dark white

2
yeah right

Kinky.

1
WCS

comment image

3
Redshirt

Point of Order and Parliamentary Procedure: Wouldn’t fishnets be considered a form of pants and showing support for same would be in violation of DFO Bylaws?

1
Doktor Zymm

Only rarely, fishnet comes in many forms and even when in pantyhose form, the most similar to pants, they don’t really fulfill most of the functions of pants, e.g. warmth or concealing anything

1
Gumbygirl

Not thigh highs with a garter belt. If they were pantyhose [ ICK] then yes, but nobody has worn those in a million years. Oh God, pantyhose. Control top pantyhose. Why???

2
Gumbygirl

.

nancy-kerrigan-why.gif
2
Doktor Zymm

THIS

2
Gatoraids

https://youtu.be/7_GNz8IaUiM?t=147

2
Doktor Zymm

Although fishnet pantyhose was great for doing fishnet arms, just rip out the crotch to put your head through then the waistband works like the band on a sports bra

2
BC Dick

So you can roll them off and shove them in someone’s mouth. Not me, but someone wants that.

1
Wakezilla

Black or red. Neon can be rocking if you’ve got a tan.

2
BC Dick

Depends on skin tone. Black or white. Go for contrast. All other colours are superfluous.

0
Bogdanski

The only real conversation I’ve ever had about fishnets was about fifteen years ago when a friend really wanted to do roller derby. I told her to really think about her fishnet budget and she realized it just wasn’t feasible. That and the bad knees…

2
ArmedandHammered

Night all, gonna go read and listen to some Cream and Led Zepp.

5
Gumbygirl

In a white room, with black curtains?

5
WCS

Near the station?

5
ballsofsteelandfury

Thanks to Ayo for the reminder. There are some good ‘uns this year!

https://boobychristmas.com/

https://booty-christmas.com/

3
Wakezilla

That pretty good!

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I like it, but December 3 looks way too young…

0
fleshwound_NPG

i am the one and only person under the age of 45 that has NEVER EVER touched a madden game

1
WCS

I’m guessing there’s a sizeable amount in North Korea, Burkina Faso, and Bhutan.

2
Redshirt

That’s why I subscribe to Christopher Titus’ way of dealing with America’s enemies:

  • His plan to stop terrorism, where he explains that by giving the United States’ enemies access to big-screen TVs and free cable they could see how:
  • Titus: We build monster trucks for fun! We built the world’s fastest drag racer goes 0-60 in three seconds, because we were bored! …Piss us off and see what we build.
3
Wakezilla

How is that even possible?

0
Doktor Zymm

Nah, I bought one once because it came with a year of free Sunday Ticket but never played it. Only sports video game I ever got into was Virtua Tennis

0
Gumbygirl

Turbo Grafx had a great golf game. That’s assuming golf is a sport.

2
BeefReeferLives

Whelp, we’ve seen (unfortunately) Paintn’ Manning and Debatin’ Manning.

Is Masterbatin’ Manning next? Only time will tell.

5
Unsurprised

Baggin’ Manning

5
LemonJello

Taint’n Manning

6
BeefReeferLives

Fellatin’ Manning.

(EDIT) Corporate Fellatin’ Manning

Last edited 1 year ago by WCS
2
BeefReeferLives

Prognosticatin’ Manning.

1
BeefReeferLives

If I had edit power, I would change this to “Corporate Fellatin’ Manning”

Much more accurate.

0
BeefReeferLives

Aw, thanks, WCS…

0
Doktor Zymm

That won’t be on network TV at least

0
yeah right

Shit canning Manning.

1
litre_cola

Just catching up. Bahahahaha Bama. Forks Up ASU!!!!

3
fleshwound_NPG

occasionally the hellscape gets evened out a tad. a healthcare ceo gets blasted. everybody quits around assad all at once…

and then, we felt a disturbance, as if a million people yelled PAAAWWWWLLLLL all at once, and then were silenced

5
Wakezilla

Is this KC Chiefs the worst team that’s going to win the Superb Owl?

0
fleshwound_NPG

we were so close to a sex cannon bears super bowl cock ring

4
TheRevanchist

You don’t remember Trent Dilfer?

2
litre_cola

Seconded

1
Wakezilla

That defense was legendary and Jamal Lewis was a stud.

0
Gumbygirl

Unfortunately, I can’t forget him. He’s
“coaching” my Blazers.

1
BC Dick

New content. That’s my Blazers. It’s locked in.

1
Redshirt

No. Top 15, yes. Argument for Top 10. But there are worse ones.

1
Redshirt

(rechecks Grimoire)

Dang it, Eye of Newt was the Home Team QB. A Dragon’s Claw was the Away Team QB.

Sorry, Chargers.

2
WCS

comment image

1
ArmedandHammered

Why do they want to check if I am human, most days even I’m not really sure.

0
TheRevanchist

Name a week when Herbert isn’t hurt? The West Coast Tua.

3
WCS

Minus the gray matter leaking from his ears.

3
Col. Duke LaCross

Chiefs fans bitching about not getting a favorable call is just, chef’s kiss man.

2
TheRevanchist

I wouldn’t be so upset, but D-Hop go molested like he was a 12 year old on Epstein Island.

2
Doktor Zymm

Doesn’t make the ball any more catchable tho

0
Doktor Zymm

And now Herbert is ded so they luck out again

0
ThePirateSloth

I love that Corona has not changed their Xmas ad since the first TV was invented.

8
ballsofsteelandfury

Why fuck with a classic?

4
Gumbygirl

We have had this exact same conversation since I started hanging out here. It probably started way before that. I’m willing to bet since KSK. It’s a metaclassic!

0
Unsurprised

I hate everything and everyone.

2
WCS

comment image

4
Horatio Cornblower

She ain’t gonna shit right for a week.

4
ArmedandHammered

OK, tough, but fair non-discriminatory hate. I respect that.

4
Doktor Zymm

Even pizza?

3
litre_cola

Hippos pizza, yeah

3
Doktor Zymm

It’s both an abomination and proof that pizza is for everyone

3
litre_cola

Fulham fan?

1
Doktor Zymm

I am woefully behind on my Scotch advent calendar, nevertheless I think this is a wine night. I’ll have a Scotch catchup night, maybe Thursday

3
litre_cola

Never let Scotchy get behind you. You will end up in a Sudbury landfill

4
Doktor Zymm

I think you name your kid Ladd if you are VERY lazy and can’t even be bothered to remember your kid’s names. Actually surprised more football coaches don’t have sons named Ladd and daughters named Girly

2
yeah right

1000% chance he goes by Laddie.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I have a friend whose last name was (and still is, I guess) Ladd. He had the opportunity to be known as Thad Ladd but didn’t seize it; huge mistake in my book.

2
Horatio Cornblower

The unisex option of ‘Champ’

2
scotchnaut

My entire bench of 11 players in Math Hard scored 3.1 points.

2
Unsurprised

Because they’re all playing tomorrow, right?

0
WCS

Tuesday

0
Unsurprised

It’s still good! It’s still good!

1
BugEyedBoo

Wednesday night I started pissing blood. S results ame as Thursday, all day. We wasn’t nt to my PCP on Friday and he said UTI.

Saturday morning I wasn’t feeling right, and by Sarlturday evening I wasn’ peeing. Drips and drabs results and constant agony. Best in mind I’m following UTI instructions and drinking lots of water. So Kathy and I go the ER. I get a catheter, big fun, while test results happen. On-call doctor (the only one they have) says we need to check in and look at deeper tests. In the meantime, that catheter gets blocked by clots in the bladder. That fuckin’ hurt!

So doctor said we need a fancy catheter that flushes out the clots. The nurses come in and they try to install this. I’m already in pain from the old catheter not working. They cannot get it to work! There is a clot that’s too big, and can’t be pulled out of the catheter. Two nurses and two doctors are doing the old monkeys fucking thing, on my dick! I have literally never felt anything this Kathy can’t bear to watch and I am writhing in agony. So the doctor says, “clot removal surgery at 11:30. This was 6 AM and I am in serious pain.

The monkey fuckers put a smaller cath in there too to theoretically drain some piss off my bladder. It doesn’t, it just drips blood, everywhere. Now I’m in pain and dripping blood everywhere. I can’t find anywhere to rest, except the bathroom. Again, the bladder is overfull, but can’t be emptied. I am in constant pain at this point.

Finally, I get the surgery. Doctor said it normally takes about twenty minutes, but mine took two hours. He said they were huge ones in there. Grapefruit, baseballs, shit like that. Enlarged prostate bled, and clots blocked my urethra. Anyway, when I wake up it still hurts because it’s still full of blood and water. It’s actually getting better and the cath should be removed by Friday.

7
Mr. Ayo

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

4
Redshirt

Uh, yes, odds are those words were spoken.

4
LemonJello

comment image

7
BugEyedBoo

Oh, and pretty much everybody in the hospital got to see my peepee!

6
LemonJello

See? Silver lining right there!

6
Brick Meathook

Dang dude! Get better! Ask for lots of opiates, because you deserve ’em. Get the intravenous ones.

4
Unsurprised

He deserves all the opiates.

ALL THE OPIATES!

4
WCS

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2
Redshirt

Speaking as an ALS Caretaker, all those screaming are babies. Hang in there. Heal up.

3
litre_cola

Nightmare fuel. Be well boo.

4
Doktor Zymm

Well that’s horrific. Glad the worst is over and hope they at least give you some of the good drugs

4
Gatoraids

I have sponge kidneys so I get stuff like this every other years with kidney stones, my favorite as getting a ureter stent removed by having a team take a claw game device down the peehole and say relax your bladder sphincter to phish it out with a delightful ripcord feeling at end

3
LemonJello

comment image

6
BugEyedBoo

Ouch. I think my brother gets that done.

2
Doktor Zymm

Also, wtf kind of UTI has you pissing blood? I’ve had plenty of UTIs with a couple leading to kidney infections and I never pissed blood. I think your PCP should have been far more concerned

1
ArmedandHammered

I was not stoned enough to read this and I am now afraid to go to sleep. the dreams, by Morrigan, the dreams

3
ArmedandHammered

Sorry that happened BugEyed, but after ruminating on it for a bit after several bong hits and as long as it is not happening to me, it is horrifyingly hilarious. And yes, I would expect for you to laugh at my pain if I had a similar experience.

4
BugEyedBoo

To get more laughs, I’ll tell you that the two stooges messing with my junk had me wondering if I was going to leave the hospital with it.

4
ArmedandHammered

at least you didn’t pop a boner, right? right?

1
ArmedandHammered

Actually I would have already died of embarrassment that anybody other than my wife had seen my tallywhacker. And begging for as much pain medication as I could get. I hope you get better soon man.

1
BugEyedBoo

I spent six weeks in the hospital with a stroke with pulmonary embolism chaser. That broke me of hospital modesty.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man, given how agonizing it was to have a urethral swab one time, I can’t even begin to imagine how painful this was. If I’m ever in possession of a dark secret that I need to tell someone without worrying that it can be tortured out of them, I FOUND MY GUY.

2
ArmedandHammered

If you found a way to induce kidney stones, you could name your price as a torturer.

3
WCS

Veteran if six if those bastards. Three without painkillers, and most definitely when I was still drinking. Honestly, the booze did help.
I never knew pain could make one vomit until it happened to me.

2
Horatio Cornblower

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand now I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

Get well soon, you poor bastard. Help yourself to some morphine.

comment image

2
Gumbygirl

You poor baby. Did they give you any drugs? You need drugs.

0
BugEyedBoo

I actually turned down oxy this evening. Not that painful now and I don’t want to be constipated.

0
blaxabbath

The Jim Carey The Grinch is playing at Harkins at 6:45.

I’ll get high then take this over MORE KELCE!

0
BC Dick

God damn it. I think I’m boned in the lowratio
League. I welcome you, Litre, to second tier play next year.
You scum. You piece of filth on the shoe of the vodka league. You get scraped off and then the shoe gets thrown out with the kitchen trash.
I’m already in the trash. It’s a good source of fibre.

6
WCS

aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

EDIT: This was meant for BugEyedBoo’s plight

Last edited 1 year ago by WCS
2
Redshirt

ooooooooooooooooooooopppppppppppppppppppppsssssssssssssssssssss

0
litre_cola

Fuck everything

3
Redshirt

Alabama went from the Playoff to the ReliaQuest Bowl. HA!

2
Unsurprised

How about the Relegated to Division II Bowl?

1
litre_cola

That’s me

0
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