Ok. There’s officially Too Fucking Much Going On Right Now.
Politically, the “Flood the Zone With Criminal Actions” plan has been wildly successful from my point of view. Even my deep reserves of molten fury are being taxed.
Also, Dr. Mrs. Mayhem is out of town for the second work week in a row, leaving your Supreme Spiritual Leader at the mercy of the cute-but-ravening horde who have the misfortune of being my children.
So it is a hell of a time for NFL Free Agency to invite itself in and plop it’s dirty boots on my mental couch. I’m busy processing the implications of Geno Smith: Desert Savior when suddenly Aaron Rodgers is playing footsie with both the Giants and the Steelers. Then the Other Bosa goes to Santa Clara, Milton Williams shits on the Panthers for Patriots, and Daniel Jones is in an honest-to-God quarterback competition in Indy. And that’s 24 hours into PRE-free agency.
I am a shit-disturber, not an analyst. However, since I agreed to write a regular football-ish column, I am bound by obligation to Have Instant Taeks. So here are Rev’s Football Feels:
LOVED: Sam Darnold to Seahawks. They got him kinda cheap, and he gets to show that last year’s success wasn’t wholly due to an amazing group of receivers and great offensive line. Because he doesn’t have either of those in Seattle.
HATED: DK Metcalf to Pittsburgh. If Chicago is where good receivers go to die, Pittsburgh is where they go to get their brains melted. Antonio Brown, Plaxico Burress, Martavis Bryant, George Pickens, Dionte Johnson…you gotta go back to Hines Ward to see a high-performing Steeler wideout who wasn’t Deeply Disordered. DK doesn’t deserve that, no matter how much money they’e giving him.
PUZZLED: Everyone jumping ship in San Francisco, except the guys they pushed out of the boat. We knew some guys were gonna leave, but between trades (Deebo) cuts (Kyle Juszcyzk, Leonard Floyd) and free agents who are definitively Gone (Dre Greenlaw, Mooney Ward, Aaron Banks, Talanoa Hufanga, etc.) the Niners may be turning over half their starters. Whereas a lot of teams are re-signing their own, nobody seems to want to stay in Santa Clara.
LOVED: Zach Wilson to Miami. Has there ever been a better city-player Vibe Pairing? I think not.
HATED: Mack Hollins to New England. Mack Hollins is cool. Mack Hollins is fun. Mack Hollins is a board-certified Different Kind of Cat. New England is none of these things. You think Mike Vrabel is gonna tolerate a guy coming to the stadium barefoit in a Flintstones costume? You think Sentient Inflammed Hemorrhoid Josh McDaniels is going to find his M&M Water shit endearing? What a fucking waste.
SOMEWHAT BEMUSED: Why Mike Tomlin puts up with this shit. Maybe he’s not the mostly-cool dude I project him to be. Maybe he thinks FedEx McFailson just needs a different aged, broken, crackbrained motherfucker at quarterback to light the toughest division in football on fire. But if I were a man of his resume and tenure, and I heard my team was even sniffing around Aaron Rodgers, I would be out the door and behind a cushy pregame show desk so fast, the Rooneys wouldn’t even have time to don their monocles.
THIS AIRPLANE I CALL ALICE BECAUSE IT’S GOING TO THE MOON
https://ibb.co/HfL1nSY1
“Alice! Who the fuck is Alice!”
I’ve not heard that song in ages. Its off to YouTube
I was actually worried that nobody would get the reference.
For those who don’t know, it’s the song “Living Next Door to Alice” by Smokie. We used to yell “Alice! Who the fuck is Alice?” during the chorus, but I wasn’t sure if that was just a local thing. Read an interesting article about how there are regional variations in how people respond to “Mony Mony” — we were a “hey mother fucker get laid get fucked” region.
Smokie, of course, was led by Chris Norman, whose biggest hit was a duet with the great Suzy Quatro, “Stumblin’ In.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AbvnTgGH8s
Suzi was pre punk bad man… not a fan of this song but I like a lot of her early stuff.
I have a Suzy t-shirt and occasionally get compliments on it when I wear it. If you know, you know!
I think her best song is this one:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XI9WN1yW_o
Suzi could rock da house
https://youtu.be/J9vZr2VAtLE?si=Ad4JWtzwgUo4pJJ5
The original line was a reference to Ralph Kramden and the classic TV show The Honeymooners. Ralph would reference the moon as his wife Alice’s ultimate destination after he was done beating the shit out of her if she didn’t bring in enough cash from street walking. But Ralph never struck her as he preferred having anal sex with his best pal Ed Norton. Norton was known as “The Sewer Worker” because he really knew how to drill out a shit hole.
I got the Honeymooners reference, I just wanted to talk about Suzy Quattro!
Yeah she was much hotter than Alice Kramden
https://youtu.be/7SXWgC0SLCA?si=FdYKo-L1FelyIt-I
Glam Baby…
Obviously we have been in the same orbit man…
“Hey man, nice shot”
Oh here we go. Brick can do a request line gig tied to his photos.
Sunset at Dockweiler Beach, Los Angeles 3/11/25
The white lights in the sky are airliners on landing approach to LAX from the sea due to offshore winds.
https://ibb.co/rRY3T4Vc
Same place (sorta), 90 minutes earlier.
https://ibb.co/1txsXNMQ
We lived in Atlanta when 9/11 happened. Not right by the airport, but definitely on a major flightpath. That night we stood on our balcony and there were no planes in the sky at all. It was surreal.
Well, I’m back from watching tennis in Palm Springs. A couple of times the deejay at the stadium synched the music with the ads being broadcast on the LED board – like when there was an ad for Head they played some Talking Heads. It’s a shame they didn’t have any ads for Prince because that would have been cool too.
Oh, are we doing a Request Line for tennis-related songs?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIbXvaE39wM
We did one back in 2023. It didn’t include brands though; that might be a potential topic if I can massage the boundaries to cover an appropriate collection of songs.
There’s ads for head? I guess Palm Springs is the new Vegas.
I kinda think dudes can get head in Palm Springs pretty damned easily.
I was expecting that comment to come from Buddy Cole
He hasn’t been around lately, the last time I remember him being here was for the Owl. He comes and goes, our Buddy! Wham bam, thank you fam
We were staying with friends that are allowed to say certain words and expressions that as a hetereosexual man I don’t think I’m allowed to say (like “ROQ”).
You know they just moved the Marilyn Monroe upskirt statue a few days ago, right? After much fighting, she got moved about 40 ft down the street, and they reopened the street she was on to traffic. It was a huge kerfuffle out here, lots of hissy pissy. Somebody on the local Nextdoor said they should put this in her place
.
Skinny ass hat
.
Love my AnAels.
Which concentration camp did this chick just get liberated from?
Shorty!
I’m between Selena and Beyonce.
HOT!
Bunch of cheaters, still a little salty from 2017
Perfect!
CAN ONLY LOVE IT:
I think it’s nice that Danny’s less-talented brother has a hobby.
Watching hockey, drinking wine, and making jambalaya. I am a land of contrasts.
Eh, that’s all French-adjacent. Damn Frog.
Well, I am wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey….
brb gonna see if Dunstan surrenders his liquor cabinet
From my cold, dead hands!
.
…edging the Bengals for the last wild card spot
(laugh) Yeah, they probably will-HEY!
Will Levis traded, thy will be done
_________________________🔥
Wait…did this happen, or are you just in prayer mode?
Been awhile since I’ve been in a church, I forget how these things go.
you put some money in the basket thing every 20 mins and all is forgiven.
“The trick is, you tie a string around the quarter so you can use the same one again and again.” – Mike Brown
Dolphs sign former Tit Nick Westbrook-Ikhine, pride of Indiana University, fantasy waiver journeyman. Double line, swords out
🫡
J. Bosa to Buffalo. K. Gainwell to Yinzburg.
Total DEI hire by the Pegulas
Know what’s great about schadenfreude?
EVERYTHING
I would like to apologize to St. Francis University for not knowing about their mascot in time for yesterday’s draft:
https://twitter.com/MaL10407/status/1899594230424555859
What his name? Padre O’Kiddiediddler?
Herbert the Pervert when he was younger
They’re Franciscans, so probably the Italian equivalent on the name.
Giovanni Tuccidaboyballzia
Still workshopping, will get back to this, beer supply allowing
Guido Grabbielbambino
Herberto da Perverto
Looks like the evil doctor from Robot Chicken.
I’ve definitely had to tone down my news consumption because it enrages me and driving me to unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Also, I absolutely hate playing my hockey games on Monday nights. I usually play Wednesdays so today I thought it was Thursday but no, it’s only Tuesday.
Ugh, I have to get my trash out for tomorrow. They come at the asscrack o’ dawn here.
Good God! The server I had at “The Wingporium”* in Scarborough (a suburb of Toronto) sure did put the bux in buxom. That boob job had to have paid itself back in tips in about 10 days.
*I got the wings
It’s probably tWBS, about to ask you to do him a favor so he can sneak by St. Peter.
Sounds like breasts were an option.
Is that beside the “Have a nap” motel?
“SOMEWHAT BEMUSED: Why Mike Tomlin puts up with this shit.”
Could be wrong, but I think he kinda gets off on it… After AB, Steelers could have shied away from headcases & I think Mike has enough pull to steer them in that direction if that’s what he wanted but NOPE. I think he actually enjoys the challenge of working with and getting production out of talented people with serious personality disorders.
& parenthetically related, wasn’t DK’s brain already melted?
THIS. Tomlin puts the functional in “functional alcoholic”.
All the people listed produced while at Pittsburgh while being shit crazy. Once they left, they failed everywhere else.