It’s almost Opening Day, sports fans!
OK, so technically there are already two games in the books, because why not spot the Dodgers a two-game lead?
I try not to be a Cliche Middle Aged White Guy when it comes to baseball, because 1. Nobody likes C.M.A.W.G., and 2. Traditional Baseball had plenty of problems that should be fixed. The shot clock? Unalloyed improvement. The limitations on mound visits and switching out pitchers after a single batter? Both great. The renaissance in stolen bases? Glorious. And I think integrating farm systems, revising service time bullshit and a real salary cap are ideas worth exploring.
HOWEVAH: I have three Yelling At Clouds positions. In no particular order:
- The designated hitter is shit. It has always been shit, it will always be shit. If I, the manager, have God’s very own shortstop- a man with more range than Freddie Mercury and an arm like a sniper rifle, but he can’t hit for love nor money- am I allowed to have someone hit for him every time through the order? Fuck no- I weigh the tradeoffs and take my lumps. Same thing should apply to pitchers. There is a straight line to be drawn between the DH and the deeply boring Three True Outcomes baseball that threatens to kill the game: offense uber alles.
- Steroid users and Pete Rose can fuck all the way off from the Hall of Fame. The HoF is pretty stupid to begin with, but it’s still considered an honor. If you undermine the competitive integrity of the game, no cookie for you.
- Opening Day should…um…open…the season. No early series. No special Opening One Present on Christmas Eve Featured Matchup. Everybody plays their first meaningful game on the same day. Except the West Sacramento Athletics, who haven’t played a meaningful game in five years.
NFL NEWS:
It’s Pro Day season, the long slog between free agency and the draft where every agent is working their tame Access Whores for all they are worth (“Brock Huddlespunk impresses at West Nowhere A&M pro day, sparking rumors of a jump from the seventh round to the Top 10”).
The delightful part is watching teams talk themselves into overdrafting (or even sweeter, panic-trading up) for a deeply mediocre quarterback. This is a Kenny Pickett class in a year where at least four GMs have Manning/Rivers/Roethlisberger needs.
Sometimes overdrafting works out. I will be the first to admit that Bo Nix worked out better than I expected last year. I will be the last to be surprised if he pulls an Anthony Richardson and regresses past the mean this year now that there is Copious Tape on him.
Moves that I foresee:
- Joe Schoen gets spooked and pulls a Mitch Trubisky: Cleveland bluffs that they are going to pick Shedeur Sanders (or sell the lick to a Mystery Team) and Schoen gives up two second rounders to move up one spot
- Las Vegas panics and either takes Dart at 6 or trades for a Will Levis/Richardson level young bust, hoping for Weeks 1-17 Sam Darnold
- Jets take whichever option the Raiders don’t, unless they go for Kirk Cousins.
- Minnesota misses its pick, because:
Thank you for explaining it to me like I haven’t paid meaningful attention to the NFL since 2017.
Why haven’t you pa-
Oh. Oh right, that thing.
One of these seasons I’ll get to LA for a Kings-Rangers game. If I’m gonna stay up and watch, it might as well be on local time.
Good game so far!
I hear Alec Martinez is suiting up for the 3rd period.
May I present to you a discord conversation with some guys I play hockey with:
lol that’s awesome
This is a blatant safety violation. Always wear steel-toed shoes on the flight line.
That’s an R-2800 piston engine behind that woman,
I don’t know. Tom Brady is running the show these days and say what you will about the man (i.e. he’s an unrepentant cheater who kisses boys) he’s not someone who panics easily.
NFL mice just rub dirt on it
Oh sure when mice approach an unconscious subject and use their mouth to start pulling on her tongue, it’s “First Aid” but when *I* do it…
The mouse doesn’t have a raging semi
Thanks for posting this instead of the other “raging semi” pics that came up
“Raging” and “semi” don’t go together. It’s like saying it’s pouring down drizzle.
It’s the duality of man.
raging semi is what you get after 10 drinks
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is flaccid.
Our primary export is corn.
So a mouse’s tongue is connected to some sort of internal flywheel? Neat
..
I would like to nominate myself for the Mike Brown Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Frugality, based on my action of returning to Vons four days later to request a refund of $2 because they overcharged me on cat food. I am aware that I will receive a deduction for not kicking up an extra fuss because cat food is a taxable item and demanding a refund of the additional $0.20 that would entail. That should be balanced out by the raincheck I requested and received for sirloin that was on sale that they had run out of.
That’s good hustle. Did you have to speak to the manager?
It was actually handled very deftly by the cashier. I made sure to show my sincere appreciation for how easy she made it.
That’s good cheapening!
Did you get the cheap strawberries and ground beef?
[points to freezer full of burger patties]
(we already ate all the strawberries)
https://ibb.co/z7G56hD
…and the Cincinnati Reds end Spring Training by losing to their High-A club Dayton Dragons, 7-5.
Talk about starting the Regular Season with momentum!
Dayton Dragons sounds like one of the gangs from the movie The Warriors.
“The Baseball Furies” was a gang created while filming The Warriors in New York City. The gang wasn’t in the book nor the screenplay. The Baseball Furies gang was made up of all the film’s union stuntmen, and they don’t have a single speaking part because they would have to be paid more and the production budget couldn’t afford it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDJf2lRa55o
That means they didn’t get to answer one important question:
https://giphy.com/gifs/look-packs-proton-mCxZH1Bi9o2aY
What in the Major League: Back to the Minors is going on?
https://ibb.co/mvmb7p2
Baseball DH has gotta be the sweetest position in sports. No equivalent whatsoever in Work World. Maybe pizza tester. Working from home.
Nah. Is, has, and always will be bullpen catcher. League minimum salary, team travel, but with zero pressure or responsibility.
Salt Lake Bees beer vendor
Hmm. It scores very high on Fuck All To Do. But the doing requires crouching
.
Hidden Pro: gets more reps than the DH for long-distance sunflower seed spitting.
NFL Long Snapper is the best job. If you can snap the ball 7 yards to a Holder and 15 yards to a Punter, you can easily last 10+ years making a million a year.
Still the occasional nasty injury, but probably lowest rate for the NFL
Highly paid NFL QB demoted to sideline clipboard duty, at $8.5 million a game.
Side note: Backup to Colts-era Peyton Manning and Packers-era Brett Favre. You got paid to do practically nothing.
Doug Pederson agrees. He held a clipboard like no other while the Vicodin Viking was too looped to come out.
Dame Lillard: The clot thickens.
(bummer, he’s awesome)
https://ibb.co/5xbXpDx
This is how every woman in the 70s walked.
“Now, show us where the CEO slapped you during the last shareholder’s meeting”
The early silicone implants were heavy as fuck.
DaK: FUCK YEAH THIRD PLACE
This looks like the cover of a gay porn VHS tape.
Or a Navy recruiting film
And?
https://ibb.co/nmQJcjH
I was portraying Russell Wilson as having red eyes before it was cool.
Wilson? Oh for Fuck Sakes! I’m climbing the mountain behind my house tomorrow and taking the shortest route back down.
Regarding baseball stuff…completely agree that changes are good!
Ambivalent on the DH. Hate it, love it, don’t care, opinions vary (in my head, day to day).
Agree with the Fuck Rose and Sosa and Bonds thing. Because fuck those guys.
And while I kind of agree with Opening Day, it’s pretty easy to pretend the Japan games didn’t happen, just like that guy I hit with my car that one night.
And SUPER looking forward to the bad panic moves in and around the draft. Would argue that the Giants got going on it today, but there will be several worse moves, and I can’t wait.
On DH: I see where it makes sense. Have no problem keeping it.
On cheaters and gamblers: Don’t give a shit about gambling. Rose should be in on achievements alone. The cheaters get the infamy of being forever labeled as cheaters. A lifetime asterisk, if you will. Their stats should get them in. I mean, no one took the Astros’ championship away, did they?
On Opening Day: Don’t care. There’s too many teams and it doesn’t make sense to have them all play in one day. Bunting in red, white, and blue is mandatory though.
The Asterisks championship absolutely should have been taken away.
I’m a Cincinnatian so I have to enjoy Opening Day regardless of if the Reds suck. If anything, we compartmentalize it from the start of Spring Training to roughly around the 7th Inning.
But I do agree on the Hall of Fame and Pete Rose. The MLB found the perfect medium: let the clubs and fans honor them if they see fit, but keep them out of Cooperstown. They lost that privilege once they put themselves above the game.
Reds shortstop is awesome, can’t wait for the Dodgers to sign him, I’m kidding maybe.
Yeah he’s a freak. If he stays in Cincy he’ll hit 1000 home runs, maybe this season.
We may be able to keep him since we’ve unloaded the Joey Votto contract.
It just depends on if he wants to be obscenely rich in a big city where every action will be scrutinized or just very rich in a small city where all the fans want is to put forth an effort and don’t show up on the news outside of the sports segment.
“in a big city where every action will be scrutinized”
You vastly overestimate how much LA sports fans care.
Kobe was a god and raped no one.
Sorry, no.
Team Shaq
Well that just caused an old memory to surface. Did anyone else read this back in the day?
I did not! Does Matt Gaetz use that for recruiting?
God fucking damnit. I was so proud of finishing this early. And inevitably the Russell Wilson/Diggs signings drop
You still get a B.
That’s really good for you!
I’d resent that if you weren’t absolutely correct
Cant wait til see where Russ places on Zagat’s New York restaurant guide
https://youtu.be/9ekadP5fRkw?t=33
It’s easy to know that stupidity will happen, but almost impossible to predict exactly when
.