God DAMN, boys! It’s training camp time, my favorite time of the year!

And this year, camp is gonna be campier than one of those John Waters movies!

Now, because of my employment with ESPN and the network’s 100% Shouty Bullshit committment, I’m contractually prohibited from giving any legitimate analysis. Fortunately, my loose grasp of facts and reality means I can spout off anything that pops into my head with total confidence and run a very low risk of giving any real insight. So here are my Storylines To Watch In Training Camp:

BALTIMORE RAVENS: Will Derrick Henry’s number come up this year in the annual Ravens Running Back Preseason Injury Lottery? I love the guy- he runs with urgency and force, like my brother Rob when he hears there’s a strip club buffet in town. But he’s 31 and has only missed multiple games once in his career. Given how often Rob gets injured on a Hash n’ Gash Dash, Henry’s living on borrowed time.

MIAMI DOLPHINS: Will Mike McDaniel get punched by Tyreek Hill, general manager Chris Grier, or teen-comedy cliche Evil Developer Stephen Ross? I’ve always said “Don’t trust a Yalie,” and he’s entering his fourth season without a Super Bowl appearance. He’s one of those Punchable Boy Wonder Type coaches, and the only reason the others in that class (Sean McVay, Zac Taylor, Kyle Shanahan) didn’t get punched is cuz they made the Super Bowl in their first three years. Clock’s run out on McDaniel, so he’s probably gonna get his clock cleaned by one of these three.

LOS ANGELES RAMS: Will Jimmy Garoppolo have the stamina to hold down the backup quarterback position? As a man with a history of dating porn stars even in his Bay Area days, I thought he was going to die moving to Las Vegas and then Los Angeles last year. Guess we know why he was taking performance-enhancing drugs…

ARIZONA CARDINALS: When does Call of Duty: Black Ops 7 release? Last year, Kyler Murray bucked his previous trend by actually improving after Black Ops 6 dropped. Now, “improve” in this case meant “average more than 200 yards passing per game” but still. Current rumor puts release around Week 10.

BUFFALO BILLS: Hard Knocks is following them this year. Let me tell you- the camera really does add ten pounds, and if any of them get added to Sean McDermott’s head, his neck is gonna snap.

CINCINNATI BENGALS: What the fuck is wrong with these people? I’ve known Duke Tobin since before his testicles descended, when his daddy and my daddy were with the Bears. He comes from shitty stock, but I didn’t think he was professionally suicidal. DEFENSE WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS!

And Duke used to know that- hell, he signed a straight sociopath in Vontaze Burfict and made him the keystone of the defense. Someone must have hit him in the head a couple times with the Dumbass Stick to give all that money to the offensive prettyboys and the finger to his defense.

DETROIT LIONS: Who the fuck’s cat did Dan Campbell run over? Training camp just started and they’re already dealing with multiple major injuries. Campbell would like you to think it’s because guys are just Too Intense at practice, but c’mon. 1. You’re Mr. Bite Their Kneecaps Off, and 2. I used to run guys through three Oklahoma Drills a day and threaten to shoot the loser, and I still didn’t get this rate of injuries. Whatever sorceress/psychic/demon you pissed off, Dan, better get right with them before Jared Goff’s ribcage spontaneously implodes.

Now let’s go eat a Goddamned snack!