Brothers and sisters, our long national nightmare is over: rookie Shemar Stewart and the Bengals have reached agreement on a contract.

Stewart had set himself up as a hero, standing up against the Bengals’ grasping, cynical attempts to insert new contract language that would allow them to easily void future guarantees. In the end, he apparently agreed to that language in exchange for $500k of his signing bonus being paid slightly earlier. So in the end, it wasn’t really about not wanting to be fucked in the ass, but rather the quality of restaurant for dinner beforehand.

Please note: in the abstract I’m not going to fault a player for making compromises like this. Careers are short, teams collude, and the availability of The Generational Wealth Bag can be fleeting. The system is set up to force these choices.

But if you are presenting yourself up publicly as making a Moral Stand, I reserve the right to mock you when it turns out the courage of your convictions runs out at the exact moment the latches on the briefcase flip open. Looking at you, Myles “It’s not about money” Garrett…

-The Raiders apparently shitcanned prized free agent acquisition Christian Wilkins after five games back on June 4, and are attempting to void the remaining $35.2 million in guarantees on Wilkin’s contract. The given reason was “failure to maintain his physical condition to play”- Wilkins sustained a foot fracture last October, and if the NFL party organ is to be believed, he was resisting a second surgery to address the issue. After the NFLPA filed a grievance, the Dirty Tricks Department leaked a story to mouthpiece Adam Schefter  that part of the decision to cut him was due to Wilkins kissing another player on the head, which said player reported to HR.

Now, I take all of this with an ocean’s worth of salt- Adam Schefter, anonymous source, saying this incident took place last week when he was ostensibly cut June 4, etc. But we have a number of people I generally respect 1. assuming it’s true, and 2. faulting the Raiders (and presumably the kissee) for taking offense to a “playful” gesture.

And that’s bullshit.

At the risk of going soapbox, nonconsentual kissing isn’t ok. It used to be at least somewhat acceptable (or at least “not worth making a fuss over”), but like the casual office grope, we’ve grown as a society. It wasn’t ok when UberCreep Luis Rubiales did it to Jenni Hermoso at the Women’s World Cup. I would argue it’s no longer ok when your creepy aunt does it at the family reunion. For fuck’s sake, Rita- just because you married my great uncle does not give you the right to slobber on my cheek at our once-every-three-years wedding/bar mitzvah/funeral meetup.

Anyway.

-Jimmy Haslam is already denying that this season’s plan is basically to Death March for Arch. First off, we knew that: neither Haslam nor his homeless personnel guru has that kind of patience or forward-planning capability. Second, Arch Manning has perhaps the most developed and professional household support structure in league history, one that already demonstrated a willingness to go nuclear to keep one of the boys from being drafted into a Hopeless Situation. I don’t care how connected Haslam is to the Manning family- they know a losing horse when they see one.

RANDOM RANKINGS: CAR COLORS

1. Dark Blue
2. Slightly Darker Blue
3. Dark Green
4. Medium Blue
5. Dark Red
6. Dark Gray
7. Red
8. Silver
9. Black (sports car)
10. Bright Blue
11. Light Gray
12. Black (sedan/wagon)
13. Green
14. Black (SUV)
15. White
16. Yellow
17. Whatever that weird flat clay-gray thing is. EDIT: It’s apparently called “Nardo Grey” and it is the color of impotence and despair.

    

18. Orange
19. Anything on a 2000-2007 Chevy Monte Carlo with an evangelical radio station bumper sticker. I legitimately will get off at the next exit if I’m trapped near one of these, because there’s a 92% chance of collision within the next four miles.