(featured image likely results in a Dallas punt)
Or something like that. Not exactly the profound effect I was going for as we enter the last month of the long national nightmare that is the off-season.
Rest assured, however, that soon you’ll be watching meaningless pre-season games, followed by meaningless in-season games if you root for, say, the Dallas Cowboys.
Can’t wait for off-season baseball, when hopefully Aaron Boone learns how to file for unemployment.
Anyway, we’re almost there, so dig those fingernails a little deeper into the edge of your chairs and get ready for the last few drafts before Hippo comes back to tell you all about the games the previous day in a language linguists the world over remain baffled by.
With that…
Guten Tag, drones!
As promised, today we draft defensive linemen. If they played tackle or end, in the NFL, you can draft them. It’s that simple. Kinda like it’s real fucking simple to resign your best defensive player, and a generally All-World talent, like, say, Micah Parsons, but apparently not everyone gets that. So just do your best.
Jason Pierre-Paul counts as 3/5 of a pick. NOT FOR THAT REASON, FOR THE OTHER ONE!!
You’d think I’d be taking a Dallas Cowboy, who’ve had a plethora of talent on the defensive line over the years, and rest assured I will, but with the first pick I’m taking one my favorite players from the days of my youth, Tampa Bay Buccaneer DE Lee Roy Selmon.
Was it the Creamsicle? Was it that I could pretend I was Lee Roy and make my younger brother have to be Lee Roy’s less-talented, (but still decent) LB brother, Dewey Selmon? Was it that Lee Roy was just generally awesome?
Let’s go with “yes.”
I even have a personalized Lee Roy Selmon creamsicle jersey, thanks to the good folks at (-name deleted because I can’t afford the tariffs-) and some ambitious Vietnamese children with nimble fingers.
The rest of you are on the clock.
Looks like none of you took Carl Eller, so you should all be ashamed and I get three bonus picks without waiting (suck it, commishio). I’ll take him, Ed Too Tall Jones, and Bubba Smith for the Police Academy films alone.
I mean, I’d overrule all these picks on principle, but let’s face it, the draft ended 2 hours ago.
Congratulations, you’re the Minnesota Vikings.
Wow, Son going from Tottenham to Los Angeles FC for $26 million.
Seems like this may be a rebuilding year for Spurs.
I’m late to the party. I assume Brocky took every Bear from Richard Dent to Chris Zorich.
Looks like Dan Hampton is on the board so I’ll take him before I go to sleep.
Watching the LL World Series and man, I wish one of the teams I coached could have made it so I could have been mic’d up when our kids blew a run-down like I just saw.
“Get. Your heads. Out. Of. YOUR ASSES!! You know how long it takes to walk home from Williamsport? WELL YOU’RE ABOUT TO FUCKING FIND OUT!!”
“Just kidding, just kidding. This guy here said he’d give you a ride home. Did you know that he used to coach football at Penn State?”
Is pecker head one word?
Depends on the pecker.
I think so. Like shithead, or dumbass.
According to the Goebbels Style Guide, yes.
Ooh, one of my ancient neighbors is getting hauled off in an ambulance! Catch the excite! That’s like the 4th time since I’ve been here that I’ve seen someone getting the red light ride, and I moved in in the middle of June. This place is Gawd’s waiting room.
The local senior living community is/was called Leisure World aka Seizure World.
When I was a kid, my grandpa called it Forest Lawn Prep, but now he’s dead, so I guess Leisure World gets the last rattling phlegmy laugh.
This place is called Country Village ( of the damned)
Does it deserve the o?
It’s fine, just boring.
Gonna make my last pick a troll pick, just to piss some people off.
Kimo Von Oelhoffen.
I’m going to allow it.
Just getting into Football mode and getting good points in with the DFO Steeler Brigade before Aaron Rodgers takes the field wearing the hypocycloids.
It’s not like Qaron’s other Achilles won’t asplode on the fifth snap of the season…
No. Not that. Anything but that.
I am an unrepentant homer yinzer, but I would laugh my ass off at that.
And he was never the same at deepthroating again
4. Ndamukong Suh.
STOMP STOMP CLAP?
More like STOMP STOMP STOMP amirite?
His name means ‘House of Spears’!!
Hooray, right by my house! How exciting!
https://ktla.com/news/man-in-standoff-with-police-in-los-feliz-costco-parking-lot/
“LET ME BUY CHEAP GAS WITHOUT A MEMBERSHIP AND I WILL RELEASE THE HOSTAGES”
– that guy, probably
They don’t sell gas at our local Costco. I’m not sure if that’s fortunate or unfortunate. Probably fortunate; the one over in Burbank is a zoo.
The gas is (almost) always cheaper than other stations, but it does cause zoo-like traffic (which is understandable, because zoos are fun)
I just got 50 cents off per gallon with Vons points. It was fucking awesome! I’m trying to justify a Costco membership. It’s only 65 bucks, I’d probably make that up in rotisserie chicken savings alone, but it’s just me. Do I really need a zillion rolls of paper towels?
Yeah, that’s a tough call.
You could get their credit card and an Exec membership for $100/year, but if you use the credit card a lot, you’ll easily get that back once a year in a Costco check (for use at Costco of course).
We end up getting two Costco checks a year, usually totaling about $750-800.
The only credit card I use is an Amex for the airline miles. I think the regular membership would work for me, I’d just have to be careful not to buy too much bulk stuff.
But you might need 100 granola bars!
Also worth it to roam around early afternoon and eat samples. You may not need dinner.
You should go help!
(the guy in the standoff…not the cops)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1UD0J0YFks
Albert Haynesworth
Anyone who naps on the job is my kinda guy.
Jared Allen is still available (I believe), so time to piss off yeah right…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbJEo09w3dw
Merlin Olsen was an all-time Rams legend and retired from football to do frontier cosplay with kids and it was very
wholesomeJJ Watt. An outstanding defensive end who luckily had L. Vonn to help with physical therepy when he got injured.
Looks like he’s droppin a deuce.
…or about to blow his load while Lindsey ‘treats his groin’ off camera
Or both…the very rare Modified Blumpkin
We can’t see her left hand.
My next pick: Lyle alzado
BRAINS!
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/BtW0J5t4YrE
Nevermind that shit! Here comes Mongo!
Darn it, that was gonna be my next pick!
In the Blitzburgh ’90s, my old man and uncle had man-crushes on Greg Lloyd and Mr. Steed here. Another yyuuuggggeee man. capable of picking up guards and folding them neatly in half.
I donated to the new planetarium and now I get 35 characters (including spaces) for a personalized chair in the place.
Bonus Draft — what do I submit for the text? Names, messages, or “anything meaningful to you” is suggested.
Anal sex = Zero babies!
He said this one was about ends right?
How the F**k You Doing Boys?!?!
“Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself” is exactly 35 characters long
Mayeverydaybeanotherwonderfulsecret fits
Why didnt the Seahawks run the ball?
We All Float Up Here
“To my beloved, the Minnetonka Queen”
“Mike Bidwill’s sexuality aside…”
33 characters!
I’m Going To Destroy Uranus
-Galactus
“This chair is cursed”
“I farted here”
Wet Paint
“Chair cursed but free frogurt!” is 30 characters.
“This chair is for gay homos only”
As opposed to morose homos?
New FFL team name just dropped
–
(34 characters)
Don’t sit here, you fat bitch!
My next pick: Ed O’bradovich.
For those of you who don’t know, I had the good fortune of helping Ed when he came into my store one time at my old job.
I recognizes his 63 bears title ring, and he was impressed when I started name dropping players from the 60s.
He also got a real kick out of me informing him that I was at least partially named after Brian Piccolo, who was another of his teammates.
I still have his autograph somewhere
The Fridge
Added value at RB!
Although may Ditka rot in hell for letting Perry get a SB TD and not Payton.
Cam Heyward.
Was waiting for Cam to go off the board.
This fella is criminally underrated. Manny Fernandez was the crux of the Dolphins No-Name Defense that went to the Super Bowl three years in a row. He never won a single award and was out of the league in 8 years and moved on with his life. As far as I can tell, he never participated in the asinine “drinking champagne ritual when the last undefeated team lost.” routine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-w3IkboJ-E
Brett “The Beard” Keisel
(so nicknamed for going on dates with lesbians who wanted to appear straight)
This may seem weird coming from a Steelers fan, but Haloti Ngata was a BEAST:
My next pick is Julius Peppers
Don’t quote me on this, but I think this hit knocked Stafford out of the game
That angle kind of makes it look like he severed Stafford’s arm with the hit.
Vince Wilfork
Outstanding at clogging up the middle, possibly even better at clogging your arteries with delicious, delicious ribs.
Vince was a class act. Always admired him, even though he played for the hated Patriots.
‘Wilfork said he didn’t worry about it being a possibly dangerous situation.
“My job right then and there was to help the person in the car,” he said. “If I see it a million times, I would do it a million times.”… “I saw the lady in there. I asked her was she okay, can she move, can she grab my hand…. I actually opened up the door and pulled her out. It wasn’t a big deal. It was just seeing somebody that needed help and helping them.”
-With a trooper at the scene, Wilfork reached in and “helped lift the operator out of the vehicle with one hand,” said the report.’
https://ftw.usatoday.com/story/sports/nfl/2015/01/19/vince-wilfork-helps-car-crash-victim/82110268007/
Not a Pats fan but it was cool to see Wilfolk on vacation and meeting a fan wearing his jersey
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/news/video-1158213/Vince-Wilfork-spots-fan-wearing-jersey-Bahamas.html
3. Howie Long. He really was very good.
A student of the game, too. He’s one of the good talking heads & I find his insights quite enlightening.
His Sketchers Fat Steps have changed my health for the better!
I had a high school math teach who looked just like Slobodan Milosevic. He had a poster of Howie Long on the door in his class. It was like the only decoration is the room and he was no fun at all.
Not that I blame him. I bet teaching those spoiled little know-it-all shits Grade 11 math wouldn’t be my idea of a good time either. At least he had small class sizes to manage.
Yeah. Looked like.
I will take the last remaining member of The Steel Curtain, Mr. Ernest Holmes.
Are those pesky police helicopters annoying you? Well, Ernie is your man.
https://www.espn.com/nfl/news/story?id=5058107
Holy shit. I had never heard that story.
Yep.
And steelers fans defended him. Even back then their homerism was insufferable
Remember kids….
….you made a meme just for me?
I’m honored!
Glad to bring you a little joy!
(Lord knows you don’t get any from watching Da Bears floundering year in and year out.)
DFO Clubhouse, watching this exchange:
.
HE STARTED THE NEXT SEASON!!!
Ernie had some issues..
I feel like these days if you shot (and hit) a police helicopter they would literally call in Predator drones for airstrikes.
Helicopter, hell, he shot a cop in the leg and wasn’t immediately engulfed in a hail of bullets, 83% of which would have missed him.
This is wildly off-topic, but it struck me last night that Aaron Judge is basically the second-coming of Mike Trout. All-World talent, multiple time MVP, too big to be playing OF and therefore frequently injured, and content to make piles of money while playing for a completely incompetent organization that has no hope of winning a WS during his career.
Anyway, I’m going to start rooting for a team that cares about building a winning team from the ground up, the Pittsburgh Pi…
Hold on, getting some angry calls from our Pittsburgh Kommentists about how Bob Nutting can “eat all the dicks” or something. Not sure, the reception’s not great.
I’m going to start rooting for a team that cares about building a winning team from the ground up
[opens trenchcoat, offers Horatio the Ottawa Senators under new ownership under Unlauder and GM Steve Staios, also, a beavertail]
He doesn’t deserve to be fed dicks. He should be sitting outside, starving to death, nose against the glass, while all the other asshole sports team owners enjoy their banquet of dicks in Trump’s tacky gold ballroom and laugh at him.
See, I missed some of that with the fizzy reception.
Michael Strahan, and even as annoying as he is, mostly drafting because of this game
Can’t take him seriously after the Favre “sack record” incident.
Somebody needs to break that mark*-Strahan was really good but he needs to be in second place for the season sack record.
*I nominate Abdul Carter
I nominate Micah Parsons, who will somehow wind up doing it for the Eagles.
I guess that play allowed Favre to feel morally justified in taking advantage of the handout system for his own benefit?
The ESPN box score has the Giants having zero QB hits on Brady. I think they might be off by at least a dozen.
Brady paid off Goodell to fire the guy who did statistics. Not unlike a certain jobs report manager
In regards to the stahan sack record controversy: most nfl records are bullshit in some way or another.
Emmit getting the rushing record over walter Payton with his absurdly good oline.
Brady and Manning only breaking marino’s touchdown record with the new passing rules
Adam vinitari scoring the most points in nfl history just because he’s a kicker.
They all deserve asterisks.
Except bronko nagurski. That guy was awesome
The way the NFL changes the rules so often, it’s pointless to have historic rankings. It’s a different game every year.
Dontari Poe was a fantastic gap-filler at Nose Tackle but I’ll never forget his lower-gravity imitation of Walter Payton/Marcus Allen when given the ball at the goal line.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbhDSNxwVrs
Bob Lilly
Basically the cornerstone of The Doomsday Defense and what became “America’s Team” along with Landry and Staubach.
Which is a legacy Jerry Jones is now spraying urine all over.
BFC, if you don’t get here soon, all the bears picks will be gone
I’ll just triple Jim Burt, because I still remember a clip of him doing some pregame interview before Super Bowl XXI (Go Niners).
Unrelated, but I did just read (I’m sure I saw before and forgot) that Jim Thorpe played for the Chicago Cardinals, the team that, for now, plays in Glendale. Part of me wonders why the Qards haven’t made a bigger deal about that, but then I remember they’re the Qards. It is weird because they’re the oldest NFL team per Mikey B because the current organization inherited that. Well, I’m fucking brain broken. But at least I’m not in Arizona (No offense, Blaxx).
Fuck it, I’m drafting Bronko Nagurski
Although he was known primarily for playing fullback, he also played defensive tackle.
He famously retired from the nfl to go be a pro wrestler for more money, then when ww2 hit, and with the bears roster depleated, george Halas convinced him to come back to the bears and play nose tackle
Here’s a sequence that unfolded over 4 years.
Jim Burt knocks Montana out of the game in 1986 playoffs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91ttCz7Dbc4
Then, when Burt goes over to the Niners, he tries to knock Jeff Hostetler out of the game by diving for his knees. (go to 9 minutes in)
https://www.youtube.com/live/j6tQbdOnBZc
The Giants are pissed because they know what Burt was trying to do. This is where my fave Giants lineman comes in. Leonard Marshall scrambles up from his knees to knock Montana out of the game.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqIe0qx57p8
2. Aaron Donald
Dwight ‘Mad Dog’ White – The 1st player to score a safety in a Super Bowl
I met him back in those days. The Steelers were doing some collab with Giant Eagle, and he came in to my dad’s office to say hello. I think dad was taking me to a drs appointment in Pittsburgh that day, so I was there. He was huge, and very friendly. I was in maybe 7th or 8th grade, so 73- 74 ish?
Richard dent, hall of famer and super bowl MVP
Jim Burt
Inspired choice. When he was able to play (he had seasons where he played 4, 7, 8, 8 and 4 games and he retire at 32) he was the glue that allowed other more talented players to shine. That said…
My favorite end/tackle ever-John Randle. He was undrafted because was 6’1″, 245 coming out of a small college but what a motor that guy had and speed and strength and leverage. Ended his career as a 6 time All Pro with 137.5 sacks, what a player!
A joy to watch too.
One of many Vikings greats on the line.
Speaking of: Alan Page. Known as the reason why I’m a Vikings fan and a fan of the NFL.
I could just draft the rest of the Purple People Eaters and be happy.
Tim Krumrie, who won’t even let a little thing like a horrific, compound fracture keep him from watching the Super Bowl.
Super Bowl injuries: Tim Krumrie, Leslie Frazier look back – Sports Illustrated
Bruce Smith
1. Reggie White
For a big strong guy he sure was terrified of gays.
For a big strong
guygay, he sure was terrified ofgaysguysDoug Atkins
LC Greenwood
Roger looked skeered!
Casey “Big Snack” Hampton
His head is scarily large.
Anchor of the Lebeau defenses, and every bit as important to the Stillers’ 2000s as Mean Joe was the Steel Curtain.
The Lebeau 3-4 doesn’t work without a nose that singlehandedly shut down the opponent’s running game. Hampton did that remarkably well for over a decade.
I was going to pick him! He was awesome
David Deacon Jones
Mean Joe Greene
https://ibb.co/77QNwHj
Fitting (IMHO) that this should be the #1 pick.