Much like the Timeline itself, this slate ain’t getting no better.
Guns Up!! (-11.5) at JV 500s (7:00, ESPN)
Talent (the visitors) v. scheme (imaginary JV hosts), in a classically random Big Twalve battle. Guns Up!! seem to have spent very well, but Houston coach Fritz has his bunch “punching up” successfully like usual.
Miami-FL (-4.5) at Florida State (7:30, ABC)
I don’t want to watch any of this shit, neither. But maybe it will outperform my low expectations.
Mississippi State (+16.5) at Bonfire Cult (7:30, SECN)
Cowbells have been plucky early, but let’s see how they hold up outside of StarkVegas. I will likely watch this more than is logical.
Kansas (-5.5) at Hitler Mice (7:30, ESPN2)
UCF shovelling dirt over JV Belicheat’s corpse gets them a bit of highlighting. These both feel like 7-5 teams to me.
Duke (-2.5) at California (10:30, ESPN)
Yeah, ain’t nobody tweaking up FOAR this. But it is an unorthodox Late Nite participant (Duke), and two extremely high-variance squadrons.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vA9HKUEJ880
Dozens of students hung around to see halftime at U*NC!
These pictures were taken before halftime. How is the Belichick experiment going?
Two black males engaging in sexual activity in addition to doing unknown narcotic in the alley behind a symphony auditorium/theater.
Also took my second real live fire-fire call in as many nights! And I’m here till 14:00, so it might get all sorts of strange.
Not going to give meself too much credit, but, I was never sold on “TEXAS IS BACK.” They’ve BEEN BACK since 2006, and have as many national championships as WVU, UCONN, Bowling Green, and Notre Dame COMBINED.
It’s REALLY gonna suck when a 7-5 Notre Dame or Texas gets in the Playoffs, CUZ DERE SKEDJEWL PAWLLLL
Just transferred a John Connor to North Versailles PD.
No questions about finding a “Sarah Connor” at the police station, and the name “Kyle Reese” didn’t come up.
Oh this’ll end well.
Actually, posts like this will send Skynet on a wild goose chase hunting for John Connor in France, so let’s stay optimistic!
Just keep an eye on who you talk to.
Wait, hold up, I’m getting a little confused. Are we at the part where John Connor is the future savior of the human race, the current savior of the human race, that weird part where he becomes a Terminator somehow because everyone knows cybernetics and organics are plug-and-play, or that last part where he’s dead but its okay, we have a backup savior for the human race or something?
Ah, we’re on that timeline?
fingers crossed
RIP #Pac12AfterDark
¡Viva All Coast Conference All Nighters!
Good for Lions. Gonna fall asleep to some Duke v HEYBEAR! action.
Fucking hell. I’m too old for this extra innings stress.
Playoff overtimes are great for those not involved. Hockey still has the best overtime. THAT is a rollercoaster
Lord Stanley’s Cup Participation Tournament is unequaled.
God fucking damn it
3 out of 5, could be worse.
SNL cold open was quite good. Colin Jost as Kegsbreath was on the money.
Overall it was an okayish premiere similar to last year. Hits and misses, but when it hits its great.
Its nice they gave Ashley Padilla a 12:50 sketch which I think she killed. She seems to be the perfect role for the straight man who can play weird/absurd.
UCLA beat Penn State?!
https://www.msn.com/en-us/sports/ncaafb/game-center/sp-id-9d05002a494d4e06a9841afb98d9c9ee
IT WAS GLORIOUS AND TERRIFYING
For those of us watching the Mariners game, my son pitched in high school. He once caught a line drive, and I mean a LINE DRIVE, that came back at his head like that Mariner’s pitcher just caught.
I’ve never been more proud while also been more inclined to walk onto the field and grab him by the shirt while saying “that’s enough baseball for you, and we will not be telling your mother about this, ever.”
“Oh, big deal. I’ve never been afraid of balls flying at my face.”
-VP Vance applying eyeliner (ironically enough) liberally
Once when I was coaching my son’s early Little League teams we were supposed to have a game but the other team never showed. I was covering head coaching duties that day so I just did a live practice for an hour, where I’d pitch and kids would hit and then rotate through all the positions.
There was one kid who wasn’t allowed to play first base because he couldn’t catch. I didn’t care, and when his turn came up I told him to take first. He said “but (Actual Head Coach’s Name goes HERE) says I can’t play cuz I’ll get in the face.”
Me: Elton John took balls to the face all the time and he’s made millions.
Kid: Who’s that?
Me: Played first base for the Yankees before you were born. Now scoot.
The other adult coach nearly died laughing.
Kids are never too young to learn about Elton John’s gayitude.
Playing company softball where you pitched to your own team I had a tendency to send the ball right back up the pipe. Which is good from a batting perspective – that’s a pretty good way to hit singles – but does not endear you to your teammates.
Yeah, when I pitched (which wasn’t often), it was
1) Underhand the ball nice n high
2) Back the fuck up
In college intramurals I played defensive pitcher. You pitched to your own team, but the defense had to have a guy behind you who would actually field the ball; the pitcher throwing to his own team had no responsibility other than to get out of the way.
Did the at-bat pitcher getting in the way of ground balls lead to fights? Reader, it did.
You have to be kitten me. Free baseball
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wc4oJAK7rh0
“That was a Heisman level effort by that player.”
Keep it your pants, Color Commentator. It was a one-yard loss on 3rd & 5. Its a good play, but that doesn’t make him the next Ray Lewis.
Like a defensive player will ever see the Heisman again.
That’d take some stabby stabby
Something something Ray Lewis sacks Mark Sanchez…
I’m going to go change my spark plug wires, because that’s what men do on a Saturday evening. I’ll also cold-check my engine and transmission fluid levels and then compare them to their hot levels and top off as necessary, which won’t be necessary as I do not allow leakages of any sort in my engine or drivetrain. I’ll check the tire pressures too.
I’m gonna have another beer and then maybe hike a mountain tomorrow.
The Man With The Blood On His Hands
Don’t forget to gap them. Here’s some inspiration
https://www.reddit.com/r/TheSimpsons/comments/3hvmep/yesterday_morning_i_put_your_photo_up_in_my/
Love when I discovery artists who’ve stopped touring because they have kids and there’s no money in it anymore. Regardless, this song is fucking awesome, and not just because it’s what I,m doing right now, but now with more popcorn and baseball!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mY3fI-Y21vg&list=RDmY3fI-Y21vg&start_radio=1
lol bonar
There it is.
Hey, Tommy Kahnle’s alive! I wonder if he’ll throw 187 straight change-ups this post-season like he did for the Yankees, with very, very, VERY predictable results, last year?
Started reading the last book, ‘White Jazz,’ from James Elroy’s LA Quarter and I gotta say, really appreciate him getting the incest and mutilations right out there within the first 20-30 pages. Don’t make me wait for it James.
Also, get help.
The books are on the one hand fantastic, because Elroy gets way into police corruption, his characters are well-fleshed out, and he captures noir in a way that very few can beat.
On the other hand, he’s got a really weird fascination with incest, and it would be nice if some of the victims just got killed and not eviscerated in explicit detail. Like, just fucking shoot the guy, Jim, they’ll be just as dead.
If you’re into noir and you know what you’re in for, great books.
But, again, get help Jim.
I read L.A. Confidential and it’s great. The movie is also great but they only used a fraction of the book. Having Walt Disney being a pedophile who preys on his young starlets was a nice touch I thought, in addition to all the other well-heeled perverts. It just keeps on going and going.
It’s almost as if the rich and powerful can get away with anything they want, even pedophilia. Sure, politicians act outraged and call for arrests, but they can’t actually do anything because that would be politicizing the issue, and times are too tense to do that now.
They only used a fraction of the book because if they put everything in the book in the movie that thing would have been rated NC-53.
I hate it when people treat their fictional characters as therapy sessions.
https://ibb.co/F41WNscD
Fucking tied
This fucking city is leading me to an early grave
Also have to backtrack to McCoys to get my wallet
Deion loss brewing.
Oh there’s a stunner.
Deion is the greatest coach ever. Ask his mime son!
Game or another toe?
https://www.wtae.com/article/man-injured-after-two-alarm-house-fire-in-perry-north-overnight/68823730
This was mine last night. Caller’s simple “we think we smell smoke” became a thing alright.
That was yours? We’ve been over this. You can’t start your own fires so you have business.
What do you want to do to the whole world, WCS?
To be clear, I’m not saying that he’s wrong to feel that way.
Texting with BC Dick. I am in no way a BlueJays fan, but if they win the World series would the Cheeto in Charge request them to visit the White House?
I say they snub the little chub. Go to parliament instead. Get drunk on BC wine and Alberta premium 100% Canadian rye.
Fuck, do it no matter what. That’s what I’m doing tonight.
And you didn’t even with the World Series!
Some days just feel like you did, ya know?
Piss him off. Visit all the former Presidents, selling out arenas on a barnstorming tour.
“It’s an honour to meet you here in Chicago, President Obama.”
Wouldn’t it be the guy up there?
Oh shit, I may have to rethink my rooting interests.
He wouldn’t ask and they wouldn’t go.
If he even remembers that 51st state bs, he might demand it. Or else tariffs
Email received today. This guy isn’t even trying:
Dear Sir,
I am Hashim Bin Hasan an agent representing an Investor seeking to invest.
Do you own a company? Do you represent any? Can you handle a quality amount of funds if invested in your care? as a Project Manager?
Please could you inform me in detail, as this requires a person with experience and connections in the economic world and leverages, also might warrant our face to face meeting.
You shall be detailed more upon your response.
Thanks.
Hashim Bin Hasan
[email protected]
I’ve always wanted to be detailed more after responding.
I would like to help an investor seeking to invest.
The email address has nothing in common with his name, position, title, company…
LOVE IT
“Dear Fellow investor:
This investment you should invest me! I leave power. GOOD.
Thank, you thank, you
If you invest me I’m hot.
Profits they’ll be higher, son!
The money invest in me is right thing to do DFO
SO DO”
Still better coherent than the latest Republican Donation email.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxpkIVaYcfw
Finally made it. Greeting one and all.
Evening folks, spent most of the day on a boat, was rocking. Actually rocking too much.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avaSdC0QOUM
Hope you brought a C-grade level rapper!
I bought a bottle of this bourbon a few weeks ago on a trip to Vermont and I am pleased to report it goes very well with popcorn.
Guys. Guys. Guys.
Ners are up!!!
Tridents up!
They should score another run, just to be safe.
Well, Phillie pitchers aren’t getting any close calls the rest of this series, after the pitcher threw the wrong pitch and drilled the umpire in the shoulder at 100 mph.
Curiously enough, the ump blew a call in their favor two pitches later. Maybe he’s more intimidated than mad.
Part of me wants Beck to succeed due to Fuck You Georgia, but I do have a soft spot for the noles due to my affinity in the pass for the db Buckley.
this a best new artist 90s Grammy competition between Beck and Jeff Buckley
Woo! I don’t have to wake up Youngest Skull Fracture Boy tomorrow morning!
Ron Howard : “Scotchy will be waking up at 5am and will not be able to fall asleep again.”
/I fucking hate Ron Howard
Well, you have fresh sheets going for you!
I could tell that Hernandez ball had legs because of how quiet the Philly crowd got while it was in the air.
I’m sure the Philly fans responded well to a guy named Kike’.
Spent today at the Maryland Renaissance Festival. I ate sooo many fried things!
I appreciate the efforts of the NBC director by delaying the overturned Touchdown Run by showing the camera shots from the concourse, the 50-yard line and from Coshocton in a loop before begrudgingly showing the one down the Goal Line.
Still here!
Got all baseball up in here today.
Sure wish the Yankees played some today.
Does the FSU marching band know any other songs?
They 100% do NOT.
I assume they know a few Pitbull tunes.
LFG!!
Have you been increasing your ass size to support Big Dumper?
Or at least fibre intake
With you in spirit!
Lemon fig guacamole, indeed.
Every time I see a driverless Waymo car I want to fuck with it.
Does that make me a bad person? Hope so.
Maybe if you dropped the “with”
You absoutely should fuck with it, those things really shouldn’t be on the streets until they pass laws making them subject to traffic regulations like everyone else. Right now there’s no one to cite when they pull illegal u-turns and such
Just got TRIPLE vaxxed. High as fuck right now.
I did flu, shingles, and pneumonia in early Sept. All the One World Government expects of us is perfect obedience.
I’m an American, so I am following the FDA’s recommendations of Diet Coke, Flintstone’s Vitamins and that hyper-laxative they doctor give you before a colonoscopy. You can’t be sick if you don’t have anything in you!
That second shingles shot is a motherfucker.
They warned me on that front, said to take the next day off work etc. I am ALL ABOUT that.
I was fine, but I probably got the placebo.
This fucking song is awesome.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO9ewCO7TYI
Oh yeah, that one felt like I had a hangover and decided to cure it by throwing myself down a couple of flights of stairs.
I was fine the day after the day after, and now I can ignore all those goddamn SHINGLES DOESN’T CARE ads.
Today’s mix was flu, Covid, and Hep B, which I’m not at all at risk for, but it was free.
Says the guy who shared a needle with me in a men’s room stall in Vegas.
That was you?
That was a needle?
Now I know why they asked me to hold their White Castle bags outside. Fucking bastards wouldn’t share.
“How many fingers?”
Me: [waves one thumb back and forth while making ghost noises]
SOS: “Three?”
Me: “CORRECT! Let’s head to Barstow-you’re driving!”
SOS: “WOO?”
Fuck yeah Barstow
That’s bat country!
https://share.google/61L71j6rNnOVdI8Sa
. . .
I need a bin of white pumpkins. I won’t be answering any questions but I do want to know your price.
I got pumpkins and white paint. Will that work?
Kinda concerned why you have white paint at the ready. You don’t strike me as a mid-western Keith Haring one bit.
Im doing that too, this year, to make sure ICE doesn’t come a knockin
Almost 800 miles northwest of Columbus, a confused Ohio State Buckeyes defense is standing on the field at Huntington Bank Stadium wondering where the hell everyone else is.
Robert Griffin is doing the Colorado/TU game-he could be the worst announcer of all time but I don’t give a fuck-he needs to make up the money that Shanny Sr. denied him by keeping him in that game when he was playing on one leg.
I napped so Westwood Klavern could make the Clubhouse amused. HUZZAH!
Has Luke Fickell been fired yet? Bengals may need a new HC or DC soon.
I can’t give this a +1 because they didn’t. But I appreciate the sentiment.
Apparently the buy out on his contract is prohibitively high this year so we might have to get through one more with this jamoke
considering what happened to mr buttfumble, we need an espn 30 for 30 doc on the monkeys paw some jets fan wished upon prior to superb owl 3
the best qb since namath is the biggest dumbass and nobody is gonna dethrone him from the top jets qb spot since 1969
the next time the jets make it to the afc title game (which should come about 2057) an entire new generation will learn about king dumbass buttfumble
I knew I should’ve bet on the Castellanos HR today.
nah, he survived
Only Mark Sanchez could get arrested at his own stabbing.
He can probably get prettied back up in time for prom season, at least. Have that “bad boy” edge to him now, too!
Pretty sure he’s had enough of edges for a while.
I was surprised it wasn’t his homecoming date’s dad that stabbed him
When you’re a Jet you’re a Jet all the way.
What no preview for Ohio State’s only primetime game…against Minnesota. Nevermind, I just answered my question. Everyone’s looking past this game. Knowing my luck, so is Ohio State. JV Cincinnati won. The Universe may demand a balancing to counteract the happiness…other than Detroit throwing up 70 on the Bengals tomorrow.
“What no preview for Ohio State’s game”
–The Midwestern Karen’s first single on their debut album, “I Fought The Manager And The Manager Won”.
“I want to see a bunch of pedophile apologists humiliated on the national stage!”
[monkey’s paw curls]
Curled Monkey’s paw is accused of being “totally woke” in a guest Op-Ed by Alex Jones in the “liberal” New York Times. Curled Monkey’s Paw loses several endorsements. President questions Monkey’s Paw country of origin, demands paperwork. President sharts in his pants out of spite and frustration. Monkey’s paw lawyers up, government lawyers are laughed out of court after they present their case.