Crystal Palace v Manchester City (-125) – 9:00 a.m. EST: You know the drill: Another team grabbed hold of the division lead while City stumbled (this year it was Arsenal) and basically did nothing with it. Now City are awake, 2 points off the top spot, and smell blood in the water after Arsenal’s wretched performance today. Rodri and Kovacic are still OUT, so the midfield could have some trouble. John Stones is still out, too, and the defense has been somewhat poor lately but who gives a shit? It’s City. Let in 4? pfft Just score 5! Palace has to deal with this FA Cup revenge narrative possibly without Mateta and Sarr. Without them, this is no contest, since they’re already down Daniel Munoz and Cheick Doucoure. With them, Palace might have a puncher’s chance by playing a conservative back 5 and counterattacking like wild dogs. How conservative? The Eagles have only allowed 12 goals in their first 15 matches. I’m sure Manchester City will put a dent in that stat, but it’s pretty goddamn impressive nevertheless. Here’s hoping the home crowd gets under the Eagles’ wings and gives us a fantastic match to start the day.

Nottingham Forest v Tottenham Hotspur (+180) – 9:00 a.m. EST: Forest simply need a win here. They’re tied with Leeds (ha!) with 15 points, putting them just 2 points above West Ham and the drop zone, while Spurs have gone a long way towards righting their ship and would sit 7th with a win here. A quick look at the injury report reveals no real advantage to either team due to owies. Sean Dyche seems to have had the desired effect on the consistency of Forest’s play, and Tommy Frank has proven you don’t get rid of the guy just because of a rough patch. Spurs have weapons all over the field and bench, so in theory if Mohamed Kudus just whips around 15-20 crosses into the box, those aforementioned weapons should be able to run straight through at least 2 of them. Forest has score only 14 goals so far in the 15 matches they’ve played, and Spurs have a terrific record of scoring at home. Rocket science, it isn’t; they’re not doing enough. When I look at Forest’s weapons, though, the name Omari Hutchinson pops out. He played with Ipswich last season and he left a huge impression on my admittedly untrained eye. He just seems to glide with the ball and changes directions effortlessly, so when he gets into the box and starts looking for outstretched legs to dribble into he causes a ton of trouble.

Sunderland v Newcastle (+125) – 9:00 a.m.EST: * RE-ACTIVATED DERBY ALERT*
This mornings match marks the resumption of hostilities in something called the Tyne-Wear derby for the first time since 2016. Presumably, fans of both squads have found adequate victims to stab and smash with pint glasses in the interim. Fucking soccer hooligans, man; they remain the one argument I can come up with against having a National Health Service. The injury report reveals Newcastle is a bit banged up on defense, but I’m more interested in what’s going to happen when Newcastle is attacking. Sunderland has a monster defender named Ballard who always seems to be in an awful mood, and prowls his six-yard box like Bill fucking Laimbeer. Newcastle has a striker named Woltemade who moves like a wounded flamingo and has made grooming choices which scream “Sarajevo-pimp”, but when crosses come in he flies through the air, unfolding himself like some kind of malignant ironing-board, and lays absolutely thunderous headers on them. The Barcodes are the better quality side here, but they had to play a tough Champion’s League match on the road (Bayer Leverkusen, 2-2) this week while Sunderland did no such thing and are absolutely murder to play against in their stadium.

West Ham United v Aston Villa (+115) – 9:00 a.m. EST: Poor Jarrod Bowen. He’s been carrying the entire West Ham offense on his back for 2 seasons now, and it’s starting to show. He’s exhausted and pissed off all the time, and I don’t blame him. West Ham might once have been an impressive club in the world of English football, but not now. Their stadium is an embarrassment; an oversized bedpan filled with halitosis and agony. They can’t score, they can’t defend, and when they gain possession of the ball, they seem frightened of it and kick it away like it was made of weapons-grade plutonium. Aston Villa, on the other hand, currently sit third in the table and have won their last five matches in a row. The only question here is who scores for Villa? My money is on Buendia and Malen. Villa’s next 3 matches see them take on Manchester United, Chelsea, and Arsenal. They’ll want to head into that run coming off a big win. They’ll get it here.

Brentford v Leeds (+310) – 11:30 a.m. EST: Two teams that absolutely play their best at home, but there can be only one home team and it’s the Bees. The biggest knock to their lineup today would appear to be the loss of forward Kevin Schade to yellow card suspension. That leaves the attack more on the lumpy, Scandinavian side, but still pretty effective as long as striker Igor Thiago is on the field, which should happen today. I haven’t watched Leeds very much this year, but their numbers across the standings fairly resemble West Ham’s,and from what I have seen they seem like a largely inefficient squad; spending just a shitload of effort and energy all to no constructive end. I’d probably lay off this game, because I’m anticipating being disgusted with all my 9:00 predictions exploding into a shit mist right in my face, but if I had to wager it’d be on Brentford at home.

May the footy blend nicely with your morning coffee and NFL gamblor routines!