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Your Substitute Sunday Night Open Thread

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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DonT is off tonight. I can’t remember if it was something about a “deposition” or a “deep position in your mom.”

Speaking of, how was everyone’s mother’s day? Sufficiently loaded with guilt about how you didn’t quite do enough or did too much in a poorly thought out attempt to offset the 300-364 days where you don’t do nearly enough? Cool. My wife isn’t a mother and is with her mother today, I got a hall pass to hang around and do my thing and be awkward calling my mom since she barely acknowledged the flowers I sent for her birthday like a week ago. Good talk.

The big news today, of course, is the GWS-Collingwood game.

/holds finger to ear

What’s that? No one here gives a shit except me? Got it. Fine, then I guess it’s NBA Finals and Stanley Cup action.  Congrats to Ayo’s Kraken for staving off elimination last night.  Edmonton is in the same boat tonight, need to win to stay alive against Vegas at home at 9PM DFO time on ESPN.

And if you’re more into roundball, I’m sure there’s a replay of the Sixers at Celtics Game 7 somewhere/maybe it’s still in progress since I scheduled this on the early side. Winner gets the Heat on Wednesday, loser goes golfing, and I’m writing this over multiple cocktails the night before so no idea what happened. The LPGA Founders Cup is on the Golf channel as well if you don’t have anything better to do. There was allegedly some USFL action on TV this afternoon as well, but lord knows I ain’t got time for that. I mean, I do have time, I don’t have the will.

As your substitute for tonight, I have to say, I don’t have a ton of sports-related stuff to talk about tonight. But I do have some kvetching to do.

I got a speeding ticket in the mail yesterday. For going 37 in a 25, on a road that could easily be 35-40mph as a speed limit. It was a speed camera thingamajig, which are basically a budget supplement, raising more than $200M annually. DC has about a gross of speed cameras and is basically TRIPLING that this year. HOWEVA, DC barely collects on speeding and parking tickets from anyone who ISN’T a DC resident, which is absolute horseshit, and the ticket they sent me identified my speed in a .5 second period of time.  I am not exaggerating. Which means if you have to speed up to overtake someone and then slow right back down, they DGAF. DC has stopped enforcing traffic laws (source: DC EMTs who have been told by cops they don’t chase and are throwing a hissy fit they can’t shoot whomever they want anymore), but the cameras are still there. Even though cameras, as Ray J and Tommy Lee can tell you, don’t exactly tell the whole story, they just capture a very brief moment in time. Whether blissful or despondent, they are a literal blip. This isn’t just me complaining about $100 (which is an insane amount for going 37 mph) but rather the sloth of enforcement and the continued march toward anonymous discretionless interpretation via automatons, further eroding our collective humanity and reinforcing that our overreliance on machines hastens the rise of machines and its inevitable aftermath.

So yeah, I submitted the “admit with explanation” form and hope they knock that fine down just a skosh.  In the meantime, enjoy the hockey/Arby’s.

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Senor Weaselo

The Edmonton Oilers… of Anaheim.

Okay, that’s not totally fair, the Oilers make the playoffs.

0
WCS

McDavid is the Fate of the Furious 5 version of Ovie.

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Dunstan

Look, it’s simple. You just tank, and keep tanking, until you get four first overall picks in six years, and then watch the Cups roll in.

Aaaaany day now. Yessir.

2
Dunstan

So last night I’m driving through Burbank and see one of those temporary road signs with the message that “Excessive honking violates Cal. Vehicle Code [blah blah blah]” and I thought well that’s an odd sign.

Then I realized — I was driving past the WB studio. I presume that the WGA picket line was getting support from drivers, and the whiny babies at WB called the local authorities, who jumped into action like the corporate toadies they are.

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Doktor Zymm

I hope you tied a bunch of geese to your car and drove back and forth

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

THIS PLAYOFF HOCKEY I CALL IT SEX IN MY EARLY TWENTIES BECAUSE IT’S A TON OF FUN EVEN IF I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON

3
Dunstan

Yes, but playoff hockey sometimes goes overtime

1
Fronkenshteen

This is him. He’s fucking great. They tapped him to head up this Wagner Group which is essentially Putin’s “Order #227”, but Moonface ain’t no Stalin, and if this guy ever gets back to Moscow, defenestration, thy name will be Vladdy. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=j-bALDPCp4w&pp=ygUQcHJpZ296aGluIHdhZ25lcg%3D%3D

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yeah right

This is going to sound awful but mother’s day gets a lot less complicated after she dies.

Sorry Ma.
Love you forever.
Did you get that card I sentcha?

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SonOfSpam

My mother is on a cruise; when I called her today she was docked in Hilo (“docked in Hilo” is something Robert Kraft pays for) and it was fine that I could focus on wife instead.

However, I will miss her dearly when she goes (unless of course I go first which is more possible than I wanna think about)

1
Dunstan

Here’s every intermission interview of a hockey player, ever:

“We just need to play our game.”
“Have to stay disciplined, stay out of the box.”
“Get pucks deep, make smart plays, our opportunities will come.”

I mean, I guess it’s less time spent in the studio, where the NHL broadcasts seem to be copying the NFL’s “bunch of dudes yukking it up” model.

3
ballsofsteelandfury

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herodotus450

Marchessault, that’s one of the French Mother Sauces, right?

2
SonOfSpam

Enjoyed this more than expected, probably beer, but kudos unregardless

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Mr. Ayo

Dammit, Ice Elks, we need another game 7. Get your shit together already.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Did he say hymen escaped the pressure?

2
Horatio Cornblower

It’s spelled Hyman, a fact that, once I found out about it, ruined many, many jokes.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Sometimes there are holes in things

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SonOfSpam

Was it Don Cherry?

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Mr. Ayo

McDavid’s Boulder is a heavy onus.

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WCS

After the pregame coke rage wore off, both squadrons calmed down. Ice Elks happy.

1
Redshirt

Come on, the tunnel to the locker rooms is within reach. Go out of sight, draw up some more lines and get back in there!

1
WCS

— Todd M., CA-ish

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2Pack

Speeding cameras here used to send photo proof along with the ticket. Until some dude took them to court and won, after his wife opened the mail and saw his pick driving, but with some other chick in the car. Now they provide the photo on demand. This place is pretty cool.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Lol. This def came with a photo but it was anodyne.

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WCS

This is the logical conclusion to this entire scenario, and I love it.

2
2Pack

They do look out for us Boyz sometimes.

1
2Pack

Court camera of the judge in the case.

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Redshirt

“I’m going to sue this department, the city, county and state until you drop the charges!”
“Oh, look at this picture of you and not-your-wife.”
“I’m prepared to plead to a greater charge if you don’t show her that photo. Any unsolved cases you have? Let’s help each other out.”

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Doktor Zymm

One of the things I love about my mother, she moved away from central PA so I could grow up somewhere less crappy

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WCS

Wise woman.

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Redshirt

My father kept us in Ohio, passing on a higher paying job in North Carolina, less than an hour’s drive from the coast.

This is why Mother’s Day gets flowers, but Father’s Day gets impersonal ties.

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SonOfSpam

My grandparents dragged my mother from the paradise of Detroit to the commie hellhole of SoCal when she was a kid.

And now they’re both deceased, let that be a lesson.

1
TheRevanchist

At least not near Cleveland, “the mistake by the lake”.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fogell?

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Last edited 2 years ago by BrettFavresColonoscopy
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WCS

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Gettin’ refuckuklated tonight, boys.

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Redshirt

Cincinnati 💔 (@CincyProblems) / Twitter

Happy Mother’s Day, from all of us in Greater Cincinnati Tri-State Area!

Last edited 2 years ago by Redshirt
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WCS

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

THIS HOCKEY GAME I CALL IT RICK PITINO BECAUSE THEY’RE SCORING QUICKER THAN I CAN WRAP MY HEAD AROUND

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Mr. Ayo

SKINNER!!!!

1
Mr. Ayo

This is too early for bananacakes. But I’ll be happy to see it sustained for the entire game.

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Redshirt

It is never too early for Bananacakes. If anything, its a sign this game/match/competition may ascend beyond Bananacakes into a realm not meant for mortal minds to comprehend.

0
Doktor Zymm

Perhaps bananapiecakens, or bananacronuts!

1
Redshirt

Coconuttybar? Pineapplecruller?

0
WCS

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9-1 May based ball pre-empting any Game 6.

6
Mr. Ayo

I thought dirt ball games were faster this year! They never seem to be when I need them to be so. Stupid Manfred.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

You’re not missing anything yet. They still have 1.2 national anthems to get through.

2
WCS

It’s on TWWL Zwei.

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Horatio Cornblower

Regarding speed cameras: 1). I’m not sure how well this would work but I’d love to see someone contest the ticket and say “that wasn’t me and I’m under no obligation to tell you who it was,” although I imagine those spoilsports have probably anticipated that and put something in the law shifting the burden on you to show that it wasn’t you driving once it’s established that it was your car, and g). I would bet that if you ran for city council with the sole position that you would do away with the speed cameras you would win in a landslide.

3
herodotus450

Or after elected to local government, just raise the speed limits everywhere so no one gets a ticket. Those kids don’t need all their limbs anyway!

2
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Here they fine the car and nawt the driver, so the owner gets dinged for it, for probably the reasons you stated above. It’s also just a fine and no demerit points on your license. Aka just want the moneys

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

What the fuck, they’re remaking White Men Can’t Jump? Why? Just watch the fucking original.

2
Mr. Ayo

But what if White Men learned to jump? Huh?

2
Horatio Cornblower

I can only speak for myself, but since the first version came out I have not learned to jump.

4
WCS

If anything, I’ve de-learned any jumping ability I had.

3
Redshirt

I haven’t even seen White Men Can’t Jump and I’m offended they’re remaking it.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

You should remedy that, pronto. Great flick (and Rosie Perez topless in her prime).

1
Redshirt

A list of great movies I’ve haven’t seen will shock y’all and shame me.

EDIT: But I will look into it. For science.

Last edited 2 years ago by Redshirt
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There’s only so many hours in a day. If it makes you feel better I am currently spending two of those valuable hours rewatching Starship Troopers.

(it shouldn’t, because Starship Troopers is way more fun and subversive than it gets credit for).

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I direct you toward my comedy movie mock draft recap post. Use it as a watch list and then let us supplement it.

0
LongtimeLionsLoser

You say about Mother’s Day “ Sufficiently loaded with guilt.”

Ja Morant implies “Sufficiently loaded with guilt,” in his latest gun flashing livestream from yesterday.

Last edited 2 years ago by LongtimeLionsLoser
2
ballsofsteelandfury

I care!

1
scotchnaut

So goddamn hungry. Nothing since 9pm last night and my procedure isn’t until 1:45 tomorrow. I’m guessing I won’t get out of there until at least 4. This sucks.

1
Doktor Zymm

I hear cocaine is good at suppressing appetite

2
scotchnaut

The wife and I did the last bit of it celebrating Mother’s Day Eve. The kids were not impressed.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

Can you drink water?

0
scotchnaut

I’ve had 6 liters so far.

1
Dunstan

Matt Yglesias has been tweeting about how DC doesn’t even enforce license plate requirements – there are cars accumulating hundreds of tickets on “temporary” licenses and such. Seems dumb on multiple levels.

2
King Hippo

I miss reading him more regularly, I should pay for him and quit Andrew Sullivan (I like to keep my finger on the reactionarry-but-not-stupid conservative pulse, though – and Sullivan comes RIGHT TO THE EDGE with being too weird for me to read).

Matt Yglesias is in that Josh Marshall lane, where I really like the logic and manner of expression.

Nothing MOAR baller than the centre-left, yo.

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

We have a toll highway near me that you need a transporterthingyn to get on or they send you a bill in the mail, which like above apparently no one from out of province pays. But,with a known entry, exit and distance, I’m shocked that they don’t send you a speeding ticket if one were to average over 100 kph for the trip.
Also, knowing the distance between any entry and exit, I’d like to see what some of the fastest trips are on that highway.

1
Doktor Zymm

I’ve always wondered why that didn’t do that average speed thing on more toll roads, or even between transponders in those toll HOV lanes. I’m glad they don’t, but it does seem like a missed revenue opportunity. France DOES have average speed enforcement zones, but I don’t anticipate ever driving in France

2
King Hippo

It’s like they want NoVa/DC to be an absolute rage-inducing headache, so they can clear out the surplus population. At least it felt that way to me, and despite being Southern…I have always been “city people.”

1
Doktor Zymm

The problem is the collection of driving styles. People move to the DC area from all over the country to work for the government and they bring their regional driving styles with them, so you get laid-back southern drivers competing with aggressive Massholes competing with guys from Texas or Montana who thinks having a big truck is a substitute for paying attention and so on.

2
King Hippo

Thing is, I should have fit with the natives – I am pretty impatient and aggressive driver, but realize that’s an issue so actively try not to be too big of a dick. Put your turn signal on and people took it like a personal challenge to keep me from changing lanes.

0
Doktor Zymm

Yeah, that’s a real thing. People take pride in blocking people out of lanes, especially if they think the driver is trying to go slightly faster by not immediately changing out of a lane that’s ending. There’s not really ‘fitting in’, it’s more just viewing every other driver as both incompetent and vindictive and planning ahead accordingly.

1
Doktor Zymm

In the earlier days of camera-based ticketing I got a red light ticket in the mail from Baltimore. It was a photo of a giant red SUV, which my little white 1990 Toyota Camry sedan most certainly was not. The license plate was similar, but contained an ‘X’ where my plate had a ‘K’, so they almost certainly misread the place and didn’t have any crosschecking in place against vehicle make/model/color, all of which is on the damn vehicle registration. I disputed the ticket, and they said I didn’t have to pay it, but they actually never removed it from the record so I wasn’t able to renew my registration. Didn’t end up mattering since the transmission was about done and the suspension needed about $2k worth of replacing, so a new car was in the cards anyway, but still a shitty thing for Maryland to do.

That was my first car, which we bought used from people who apparently owned their own screwdriver and thought this somehow exempted them from having to do proper maintenance or repairs. When a series of things started going wrong with the car we discovered it was basically held together with stuff the previous owners found under their couch. It was very educational though, and I’m pretty good at detecting and diagnosing car issues now. Of course, that also doesn’t matter, because it seems some highly-rated, AAA-certified mechanics don’t actually listen when a middle aged lady brings their car in and says “it’s probably this” because they want to bill for a bunch of pointless crap before eventually ‘discovering’ and fixing what I said it was at the beginning. I have not gone back to that shop and have found a much better place that’s also closer to me.

5
King Hippo

I have used my AAA-recommended mechanic TWICE in my lifetime, and TWICE they were absolute shysters. They are for towing, batteries, and flats only. For that, is good.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…it was basically held together with stuff the previous owners found under their couch.

“It was held together with the body parts of dead hookers?” – Craig James

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

/checks ESPN.com

Really glad I didn’t walk down to watch the Nats game and had a shower beer at home instead.

Also I’m cranky about the GWS game.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel your pain. After starting the season 4-1 (“nowhere to go but down…” I said), Essendon has lost four in a row.

1
herodotus450

“So you see your honor, in conclusion, according to Heisenberg that camera couldn’t possibly know how fast I was going.”
-BFC

4
Doktor Zymm

*That’s Joe Heisenberg who lives down the street and works at the Walgreens photo counter, not to be confused with Werner Heisenberg the physicist who articulated limits in measurement accuracy for complementary variables associated with subatomic particles

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